Timothy finishes his narrative.
"Well, I walked away, cursing all the Eton boys and all their tutors,
who did not teach them honesty as well as Latin and Greek, and put up at
a very humble sort of abode, where they sold small beer, and gave beds
at two-pence per night, and I may add, with plenty of fleas in the
bargain. There I fell in with some ballad singers and mumpers, who were
making very merry, and who asked me what was the matter. I told them how
I had been treated, and they laughed at me, but gave me some supper, so
I forgave them. An old man, who governed the party, then asked me
whether I had any money. I produced my enormous capital of eight-pence.
'Quite enough if you are clever,' said he; 'quite enough--many a man
with half that sum has ended in rolling in his carriage. A man with
thousands has only the advance of you a few years. You will pay for your
lodging and then spend this sixpence in matches, and hawk them about
the town. If you are lucky, it will be a shilling by to-morrow night.
Besides, you go down into areas, and sometimes enter a kitchen, when the
cook is above stairs. There are plenty of things to be picked up.' 'But I
am not dishonest,' said I. 'Well, then, every man to his liking; only if
you were, you would ride in your own coach the sooner.' 'And suppose I
should lose all this, or none would buy my matches, what then?' replied
I, 'I shall starve.' 'Starve--no, no--no one starves in this country;
all you have to do is to get into gaol--committed for a month--you will
live better perhaps than you ever did before. I have been in every gaol
in England, and I know the good ones, for even in gaols there is a great
difference. Now the one in this town is one of the best in all England,
and I patronises it during the winter.' I was much amused with the
discourse of this mumper, who appeared to be one of the merriest old
vagabonds in England. I took his advice, bought six pennyworth of matches,
and commenced my new vagrant speculation.
"The first day I picked up three-pence, for one quarter of my stock, and
returned to the same place where I had slept the night before, but the
fraternity had quitted on an expedition. I spent my two-pence in bread
and cheese, and paid one penny for my lodging, and again I started the
next morning, but I was very unsuccessful; nobody appeared to want
matches that day, and after walking from seven o'clock in the morning,
to past seven in the evening, without selling one farthing's worth, I
sat down at the porch of a chapel, quite tired and worn out. At last,
I fell asleep, and how do you think I was awoke? by a strong sense of
suffocation, and up I sprang, coughing, and nearly choked, surrounded
with smoke. Some mischievous boys perceiving that I was fast asleep,
had set fire to my matches, as I held them in my hand between my legs,
and I did not wake until my fingers were severely burnt. There was an
end of my speculation in matches, because there was an end of all my
capital."
"My poor Timothy, I really feel for you."
"Not at all, my dear Japhet; I never, in all my distress, was sentenced
to execution--my miseries were trifles, to be laughed at. However, I felt
very miserable at the time, and walked off, thinking about the propriety
of getting into gaol as soon as I could, for the beggar had strongly
recommended it. I was at the outskirts of the town, when I perceived
two men tussling with one another, and I walked towards them. 'I says,'
says one, who appeared to be a constable; 'you must come along with I.
Don't you see that ere board? All wagrants shall be taken up, and dealt
with according to _la_.' 'Now may the devil hold you in his claws, you
old psalm-singing thief--an't I a sailor--and an't I a wagrant by
profession, and all according to law?' 'That won't do,' says the other;
'I commands you in the king's name, to let me take you to prison, and I
commands you also, young man,' says he--for I had walked up to them--'I
commands you, as a lawful subject, to assist me.' 'What will you give
the poor fellow for his trouble?' said the sailor. 'It's his duty, as a
lawful subject, and I'll give him nothing; but I'll put him in prison if
he don't.' 'Then you old Rhinoceros, I'll give him five shillings if
he'll help me, and so now he may take his choice.' At all events, thought
I, this will turn out lucky one way or the other; but I will support the
man who is most generous; so I went up to the constable, who was a burly
sort of a fellow, and tripped up his heels, and down he came on the back
of his head. You know my old trick, Japhet?"
"Yes; I never knew you fail at that."
"'Well,' the sailor says to me, 'I've a notion you've damaged his upper
works, so let us start off, and clap on all sail for the next town. I
know where to drop an anchor. Come along with me, and as long as I've a
shot in the locker, d--n me if I won't share it with one who has proved
a friend in need.' The constable did not come to his senses; he was very
much stunned, but we loosened his neckcloth, and left him there, and
started off as fast as we could. My new companion, who had a wooden leg,
stopped by a gate, and clambered over it. 'We must lose no time,' said
he; 'and I may just as well have the benefit of both legs.' So saying, he
took off his wooden stump, and let down his real leg, which was fixed up
just as you saw mine. I made no comments, but off we set, and at a good
round pace gained a village about five miles distant. 'Here we will put
up for the night; but they will look for us to-morrow at daylight, or a
little after, therefore we must be starting early. I know the law-beggars
well, they won't turn out afore sunrise. He stopped at a paltry ale-house,
where we were admitted, and soon were busy with a much better supper than
I had ever imagined they could have produced; but my new friend ordered
right and left, with a tone of authority, and everybody in the house
appeared at his beck and command. After a couple of glasses of grog,
we retired to our beds.
"The next morning we started before break of day, on our road to another
town, where my companion said the constables would never take the trouble
to come after him. On our way he questioned me as to my mode of getting
my livelihood, and I narrated how unfortunate I had been. 'One good turn
deserves another,' replied the sailor; 'and now I'll set you up in
trade. Can you sing? Have you anything of a voice?' 'I can't say that I
have,' replied I. 'I don't mean whether you can sing in tune, or have a
good voice, that's no consequence; all I want to know is, have you a
good loud one?'
'Loud enough, if that's all.' 'That's all that's requisite; so long as
you can make yourself heard--you may then howl like a jackal, or bellow
like a mad buffalo, no matter which--as many pay us for to get rid of us,
as out of charity; and so long as the money comes, what's the odds? Why,
I once knew an old chap, who could only play one tune on the clarionet,
and that tune out of all tune, who made his fortune in six or seven
streets, for every one gave him money, and told him to go away. When
he found out that, he came every morning as regular as clock-work. Now
there was one of the streets which was chiefly occupied by music-sellers
and Italian singers--for them foreigners always herd together--and this
tune, 'which the old cow died of,' as the saying is, used to be their
horror, and out came the halfpence to send him away. There was a sort
of club also in that street, of larking sort of young men, and when
they perceived that the others gave the old man money to get rid of his
squeaking, they sent him out money, with orders to stay and play to them,
so then the others sent out more for him to go away, and between the two,
the old fellow brought home more money than all the cadgers and mumpers
in the district. Now if you have a loud voice, I can provide you with all
the rest.'--'Do you gain your livelihood by that?'--' To be sure I do;
and I can tell you, that of all the trades going, there is none equal to
it. You see, my hearty, I have been on board of a man-of-war--not that
I'm a sailor, or was ever bred to the sea--but I was shipped as a
landsman, and did duty in the waist and afterguard. I know little or
nothing of my duty as a seaman, nor was it required in the station I was
in, so I never learnt, although I was four years on board; all I learnt
was the lingo and slang--and that you must contrive to learn from me. I
bolted, and made my way good to Lunnun, but I should soon have been
picked up and put on board the Tender again, if I hadn't got this wooden
stump made, which I now carry in my hand. I had plenty of songs, and I
commenced my profession, and a real good un it is, I can tell you. Why,
do you know, that a'ter a good victory, I have sometimes picked up as
much as two pounds a-day, for weeks running; as it is, I averages from
fifteen shillings to a pound. Now, as you helped me away from that land
shark, who would soon have found out that I had two legs, and have put
me into limbo as an impostor, I will teach you to arn your livelihood
after my fashion. You shall work with me until you are fit to start
alone, and then there's plenty of room in England for both of us; but
mind, never tell any one what you pick up, or every mumper in the island
will put on a suit of sailor's clothes, and the thing will be blown
upon.' Of course, this was too good an offer to be rejected, and I
joyfully acceded. At first, I worked with him as having only one arm,
the other being tied down to my side, and my jacket sleeve hanging loose
and empty, and we roared away right and left, so as to bring down a shower
of coppers wherever we went. In about three weeks my friend thought I was
able to start by myself, and giving me half of the ballads, and five
shillings to start with, I shook hands and parted with, next to you,
the best friend that I certainly ever had. Ever since I have been
crossing the country in every direction, with plenty of money in my
pocket, and always with one eye looking sharp out for you. My beautiful
voice fortunately attracted your attention, and here I am, and at an end
of my history; but if ever I am away from you, and in distress again,
depend upon it I shall take to my wooden leg and ballads for my support."
Such were the adventures of Timothy, who was metamorphosed into a precise
Quaker. "I do not like the idea of your taking up a system of deceit,
Timothy. It may so happen--for who knows what may occur?--that you may
again be thrown upon your own resources. Now, would it not be better that
you should obtain a more intimate knowledge of the profession which we
are now in, which is liberal, and equally profitable? By attention and
study you will be able to dispense medicines and make up prescriptions
as well as myself, and who knows but that some day you may be the owner
of a shop like this?"
"Verily, verily, thy words do savour of much wisdom," replied Tim, in a
grave voice; "and I will even so follow thy advice."