THE ATTITUDE OF PARENTS TO CHILDREN
[Sidenote: The affective reactions of the parent towards the child]
In dealing thus far with the psychic aspects of the filio-parental
relations in their origin, nature and development, we have for the most
part based our considerations on the standpoint of the child rather than
on that of the parent. Such a course would seem to be justified from the
genetic point of view by the fact that every individual has first to be
a child before he can become a parent, and that consequently, though his
attitude as a parent is very liable to be influenced by his experience as
a child, there can be no corresponding influence of a converse nature. As
a matter of fact, however, we have, in the course of our consideration
of the psychic development of the child in relation to the influences
emanating from the family, fairly often had occasion to concern ourselves
at least indirectly with the mental attitude of the parents as a factor in
this development.
Thus we have seen that the direction of the child's affection to the
parent of the opposite sex rather than to the one of his own sex is
probably determined largely by the extent of the affection which the child
in his turn receives from the two parents respectively; the heterosexual
inclinations of the parents causing them on the whole, and in the absence
of any powerful factors tending to produce an opposite result, to give
their love most freely towards those of their children who are of the
opposite sex to their own. We have seen too that the nature and duration
of the feelings of envy, jealousy and hate which a child is liable to
experience towards one or other of its parents are to a very considerable
extent dependent on the behaviour of this parent towards the child. It is
evident also from our previous considerations that there is likely to be
a quantitative as well as a qualitative correspondence between the love
and hate which a child may feel towards its parents and the manifestation
of corresponding emotions in the parents themselves. All that is left for
us to do in this direction is to look a little more closely into some
of the factors which determine the nature and extent of the affective
reactions of the parent towards the child.
[Sidenote: The instinctive love of parents to children]
[Sidenote: The love of parents to children stands in reciprocal
relationship to the parents' other interests and affections]
It is now pretty generally agreed among psychologists that the love of
parents to their children takes place in virtue of the formation of a
sentiment[200] or organisation of instinctive dispositions about an
idea (in this case the idea of the child), and it is further usually
supposed that in this sentiment a leading part is played by a particular
instinctive disposition--a disposition which manifests itself in
consciousness in an emotion of more or less specific quality, to which
McDougall, following Ribot, has given the now familiar term "tender
emotion." Now there are clear indications that the energy involved in this
disposition (like that of all other instinctive dispositions) can play a
part--and normally does play a part--in many other sentiments besides that
which is concerned in the love of a parent towards his (or her) child.
For this reason the emotional outflow along the lines of this latter
sentiment varies to some extent in inverse proportion to the outflow along
the lines of other sentiments. Thus the amount of love which a parent
can bestow upon a child is limited by the amount of the affection and
interest which he bestows upon other persons and other things. The parent
who has no other occupation in life than the care of his or her children
is usually bound to these children by emotional ties of a much closer,
more intimate and more intensive nature than is one whose energies are
partially absorbed by outside interests and occupations. The parent of
a single child will, as a rule, be more strongly attached to that child
than the parent of many children will be to any one of his. Again, the
parent whose sexual emotions and tendencies have but little opportunity
for discharge will be apt to lavish a greater amount of affection on his
children than one who is leading a more active sexual life. Thus it is
that widowers, widows and those who are unhappily married[201] frequently
display a more than normal degree of attachment to their children, the
latter receiving, in addition to the love that would ordinarily fall
to their share, the displaced affection which would otherwise find its
outlet in the love of wife or husband. For this reason the tie between
such parents and their children is apt to be more than usually close;
and all psychological characteristics which are produced by such a tie
will occur more readily in these cases than in others. In order to avoid
this emotional overloading of the filio-parental tie, it will usually
be necessary for such parents to find compensation elsewhere for the
energy which cannot be directed to its normal goal, and for the measures
undertaken with a view to the prevention of undue fixation of the
children's love upon their parents to be prosecuted with more than usual
care and energy.
[Sidenote: The consequent jealousy between parent and child]
The fact that the love available for offspring and for spouse respectively
stand thus to some extent in reciprocal relation to one other, renders
inevitable a certain amount of competition for this love, whenever the
demands from both sides are strong and persistent. We have already seen
how from this source jealousy may arise in the child towards the parent
of his or her own sex. A similarly conditioned jealousy will often
arise also in the parent, though in this case the hostile feelings will
frequently be confined to the Unconscious and will be discoverable only
indirectly through their manifestations or through a process of analysis.
This jealousy may nevertheless be productive of much harm in family life;
and, when present in high intensity, may lead to permanent estrangement
and bitterness between parents and children just as surely as may
corresponding feelings on the part of the child.
[Sidenote: Conflicting interests of parents and children]
[Sidenote: The sacrifices involved in parenthood]
Just as in the case of children the hostile emotions towards the parents
that arise from jealousy are liable to be powerfully reinforced by
those due to more general interference with the child's desires, so too
in the case of the parents, any ill-feelings that they may bear towards
their children as a result of jealousy are likely to be complicated
by other causes of hostility. If it be to some extent inevitable that
children should come to regard their parents as obstacles to the full
attainment of their own desires and as unwelcome causes of interference
with their most cherished activities, parents have at least equal reason
to complain similarly of their children. The responsibility, the effort,
the anxiety, involved in rearing children, diminish very considerably
the time and energy available for more directly personal occupations and
enjoyments. To some extent the individual inevitably sacrifices himself
in becoming a parent, in accordance with the general biological law which
Spencer has designated the antagonism between individuation and genesis;
and this sacrifice of personal comforts, pleasures, satisfactions and
ambitions does not as a rule take place without some degree of resentment
being felt against those whose existence necessitates the sacrifice.
Even where--owing to robust health, abundant energy, ample means, state
relief or other circumstances--children demand but little sacrifice of
the major aims and occupations of life, the very considerable difference
between the points of view of children and those of adults and the largely
incompatible nature of the conditions and activities that appeal to
their respective minds tend to make the constant presence of children,
especially within the confines of a small home, inevitably to some extent
a cause of annoyance to the parents. As Bernard Shaw[202] so well points
out, children are indeed to some extent necessarily and unavoidably a
nuisance to grown-up persons; with their illregulated and impulsive energy
and their disregard of the habits and conventions to which their seniors
have become accustomed, they constitute an ever present menace to the
comfort and tranquillity of adult life--a menace from which even the most
devoted parent must sometimes wish that he could free himself.
[Sidenote: Their influence on the mother]
The mother, owing to the greater demands which children make upon her time
and health and energy is perhaps that one of the parents to experience
most keenly such hostile feelings, though the existence of a strong
counter-impulse towards maternal love will often insure repression of
these feelings into the unconscious; so that it usually requires a process
of analysis to reveal the often strong resentment that a mother may
entertain towards the child who so seriously interferes with her more
directly individual needs and aspirations[203].
[Sidenote: On the father]
The interference of children with the activities and desires of the father
is usually less direct and the ill-will which fathers bear towards their
children is therefore more apt to be aroused in consequence of jealousy
than is the corresponding feeling of the mother. Nevertheless, in the case
of the father too, there almost always sooner or later arises some degree
of interference with his pleasure, his comfort, his work or his ambitions;
so that he feels that his children constitute a burden which seriously
hampers his individual progress or enjoyment.
[Sidenote: Identification of the child with its grandparent]
The hostile feelings of parents towards their children which take their
origin from one or more of these sources are often powerfully stimulated
and reinforced by an unconscious process in virtue of which the child
is identified with the parent's own parent (the child's grandparent).
This tendency to identify child with grandparent is one which would seem
to be deeply implanted in the human mind[204]. Thus in several parts of
the world grandparents are supposed to become re-incarnated in their
grandchildren--a belief which is probably responsible for the widespread
practice (observed among others by the ancient Greeks) of naming a
child after its grandparent, especially in the case of eldest sons who
frequently receive the name of their paternal grandfather[205].
[Sidenote: Causes of this similarity of parent-child to previous
child-parent relationship]
For the grounds of this belief and the tendencies which have given rise
to it, it is probable that we must look to the similarities between the
relations of parent to child and those which had existed a generation
earlier between child and parent. As we have just seen, the feelings that
are liable to be evoked by these relationships are in certain respects
not dissimilar, and it would appear as though the situation in which
an individual is placed when he becomes a parent serves to call up in
him some of the partially forgotten and partially outgrown emotions and
tendencies which he had experienced in his own childhood and to direct
them now upon his child in the same way as he had formerly directed them
upon his parent. Thus the new position in which a father finds himself
in competition with his son for the affection of his wife revives in
the Unconscious a memory of the former situation in which as a child he
competed with his father for the love of his mother.
[Sidenote: The "phantasy of the reversal of generations"]
The identification of child with grandparent would seem to be helped also
by the intimate connection with a curious but not infrequent product
of imagination which has been called by Ernest Jones "the phantasy of
the reversal of generations[206]." According to this phantasy--to which
attention had also been called by psychologists other than those of the
psycho-analytic school, notably by Sully[207]--it is supposed that, as
children grow bigger and finally attain to adult stature, their parents,
as they increase in age, undergo a corresponding diminution; so that
eventually a complete reversal of size as regards the two generations is
attained, those who were once parents being now reduced to a position
very similar to that of children, while the original children, through
their increase in size and power, are themselves able to behave in
a quasi-parental manner to their parents. The ultimate psychological
foundations of this quaint belief are as yet not clearly understood,
though it is fairly certain that the notions of personal immortality and
of metempsychosis, together with the great emotional significance in the
child's mind of the ideas connected with bodily size, play an important
part in this connection. Whatever be the origin of this phantasy, the
persistence of some remnants of it in the Unconscious is admirably adapted
to serve as a means whereby an individual may identify his children
with his parents and then direct upon the former the hostile emotions
aroused in connection with the latter. The fact that such an individual
is now possessed of superior strength and power, whereas formerly he
had been relatively weak and helpless, makes it tempting for him to use
this opportunity for taking revenge for the real or supposed injuries
he had suffered in his childhood[208]. In this way children are liable
to become sometimes the innocent victims of bullying or nagging which,
according to the principles of justice, are due to their grandparents
rather than to themselves. When combined with a violent parent hatred,
such identification of children with their grandparents may take on tragic
proportions and lead to the direst consequences; and it is probable that
in the majority if not in all of those sad cases, where a parent conceives
a permanent and unreasoning antipathy to one or more of his children,
the foundations of the dislike are to be found in such a combination of
unconscious or semi-conscious factors.
This process of identification is not however operative only with regard
to hatred. It may exert also a powerful influence upon the direction
of love and is often of special importance where parents definitely
select a favourite from among their children, this favourite child being
then invested with the love that was formerly directed to the favourite
parent[209]. For this reason too parents may often be desirous that their
children should adopt the profession, mode of life, beliefs or habits of
their (the childrens') grandparents[210].
[Sidenote: The effect of parent-child love on the attitude of parents to
each other]
In all cases where a parent resents the coming into being or the presence
of children, and especially in those where the resentment is based largely
upon jealousy, some degree of displeasure is apt to be directed upon
the other parent, who is regarded as responsible for the existence of
the unwelcome intruder or as transferring to him an undue proportion of
attention and affection. In this respect the situation recalls in the
parents mind the earlier one in which, in his own childhood, he resented
the love of his parents for each other, and in consequence of which
the love which he himself bore to one of his parents became converted
into, or was mixed with, hatred and contempt (_cp._ p. 110). Thus a
father may experience towards his wife something of those feelings of
outraged jealousy which he had formerly harboured towards his mother--a
resuscitation and transference of feelings of this kind being rendered
all the easier by the fact that his wife is very probably already to
some extent unconsciously identified with his mother, so that the whole
original situation is lived through again with the substitution of wife
for mother and of child (especially of course in the case of a boy) for
father.
[Sidenote: The Couvade]
It has recently been shown by Reik[211] that this last mentioned
factor of the resentment against the wife together with the previously
discussed jealousy and hatred of the child are capable of throwing a
very considerable amount of light upon certain customs practised amongst
primitive peoples upon the occasion of the birth of a child--customs the
origin and nature of which it appears at first sight very difficult to
understand. To these customs we may well devote a brief consideration
here, since they seem peculiarly adapted to bring out some of the most
important aspects of the unconscious feelings of parents toward their
offspring and--incidentally--toward one another. The customs in question
are generally comprehended under the single term Couvade and may be
divided, following Frazer, into two main groups:--
(1) the pre-natal or pseudo-maternal Couvade, which aims primarily and
ostensibly at a magical transference of the mother's labour pains on to
the person of the father, the father pretending to undergo what the mother
experiences in reality;
(2) the post-natal or dietetic Couvade, in which the father pretends to
be weak or ailing for a certain time after the birth of his child, during
which time he keeps to his bed and refrains from eating certain foods.
[Sidenote: The pre-natal Couvade as an expression of ambivalent feelings
towards the wife]
As regards the pre-natal Couvade, it is obvious that the occasion of
his wife's labour is one which is liable to arouse strong, and to some
extent conflicting, emotions in the father. The danger and distress
to which the mother is exposed naturally tend to arouse in the father
feelings of sympathy and anxiety together with a desire to help and to
alleviate the suffering to the best of his ability--an attitude which
finds expression in an attempt to transfer the pain according to the
principles of homoeopathic magic. At the same time the position of the
mother is such as to stimulate in the father any hostile and cruel wishes
he may entertain towards her, and, though such wishes will generally be
confined entirely or principally to the Unconscious, they will usually be
present in a greater or a less degree; since, besides any general cause of
hostility and any tendency to Sadism (both of which are probably at work
to some extent), there is liable to occur the more specific resentment
connected with the bringing into existence of a rival, who may usurp
much of the mother's care and affection which the father had hitherto
enjoyed alone. There is reason to suppose therefore that at certain levels
of the father's mind there is often present an actual enjoyment in the
contemplation of the mother's sufferings and even a wish that she may die.
In taking upon himself the mother's pains, the father is therefore, at one
and the same time, doing his best to help the mother, subjecting himself
to a talion punishment for desiring the mother to feel pain, and placing
himself in a position more thoroughly to express and realise her suffering.
[Sidenote: The belief in demons]
A similar attitude is indicated by the beliefs and practices with regard
to demons which are frequently found associated with the Couvade. Demons
are, from the psychological point of view, merely projections of thoughts
and tendencies of the unconscious mind, and the demons who are supposed
to be inflicting pain upon the mother are therefore an expression of the
unconscious desire to inflict such pain. This desire manifests itself also
in not a few of the measures which are taken to drive away the demons,
measures which, though ostensibly undertaken for the benefit of the mother
are in reality calculated to cause her fright, pain or discomfort, such as
shooting, shouting, lighting fires in her proximity, playing with swords
or even beating her.
[Sidenote: The post-natal Couvade results principally from hostile
feelings towards the child]
While the pre-natal Couvade is thus principally the manifestation of
repressed hostility towards the mother, the post-natal Couvade would seem
to arise chiefly as the result of a similar attitude towards the child.
This is shown by the fact that the practices associated with this aspect
of the Couvade are held to be necessary for, or at least conducive to, the
life and health of the newly born infant, who is regarded as peculiarly
liable to be affected by injudicious behaviour on the part of the father;
it is also shown by the fact that the father is often held responsible for
any evil that may befall the child during the first days of its existence;
thus indicating an appreciation of the real unconscious tendency of the
father to do the child some harm. As regards the prohibition of certain
foods, it would seem that this is ultimately traceable to a repression of
the tendency to kill and eat the child (and through him the grandfather
whom he represents) a tendency which we considered in the last chapter,
and one to which most, if not all, taboos on foods would appear in
the last resort very largely to depend. The father's imaginary illness
is also to some extent influenced by his hostile feelings against the
mother:--negatively, in that by keeping to his bed he is prevented from
doing her harm; positively, in that by compelling her to attend on him in
his pretended helplessness, he forces her to work at a time when rest and
freedom from trouble would have been more welcome.
[Sidenote: The Couvade as an assertion of the father's rights]
Certain other students of the Couvade, such as Bachofen, are probably
to some extent right too in maintaining that the practice represents an
assertion by the father of his rights and privileges, being connected
thus with the transition from mother-descent to father-descent. Certain
it is that through the practice the father emphasises his share of the
parenthood and thus effectually prevents any tendency to regard the mother
as the sole, or even as the chief, producer and guardian of the child. In
so doing, he also, we may suspect, endeavours to produce a compensation
for the lack of attention from which he might otherwise suffer at this
time, owing to the fact that the mother's share of parenthood is at the
moment of birth by nature so much more prominent than that of the father.
[Sidenote: The corresponding attitude in modern life]
This feeling of inferiority is frequently shared by fathers in modern
civilised societies, who at the birth of their children are often
unpleasantly impressed by their own uselessness and unimportance, and
are easily led to complain of neglect or inattention, sometimes even
going so far as unconsciously to produce in themselves some more or less
psycho-genetic malady, in order to claim care and sympathy from those
about them and to prevent a too exclusive preoccupation with the mother.
In other ways too it is evident that many of the mental tendencies which
underlie the practices connected with the Couvade are still rife in
modern life. By his exaggerated excitement and anxiety, a father will
often betray the conflicting nature of the emotions that beset him at the
time of the birth of his child; while the manifold crude superstitions
and practices and the numerous unreasonable beliefs and attitudes that
are connected with pregnancy and birth serve further to demonstrate the
archaic, and therefore fundamental, nature of the ideas and feelings that
centre round these events[212].
[Sidenote: Parent-child hostility in later life]
The hostility which a parent may harbour towards his child or children
from the causes we have been considering will, under happy conditions of
individual and family development, tend naturally to diminish as time
passes and permits of adjustment to the new circumstances occasioned by
the existence of the children. More especially of course, the feelings of
hatred and jealousy, which may originally have been aroused, will usually
be overcome, or at least adequately held in check, by the feelings of
parental love which are brought into play by contact with the child and by
the process of providing for its needs. Even in the most devoted parents
there usually remains however some remnant of jealousy or resentment
that lurks in the Unconscious and can be detected by the process of
Psycho-Analysis. This is especially the case as regards the relations of
parents to the children of their own sex, where the motive of jealousy
is liable to be added to the other motives that arise as a result of the
sacrifices that have to be incurred by the parent. In general however it
may be safely asserted that in no case does the very real antagonism that
exists between the activities and enjoyments of the father and mother as
individuals and as parents respectively fail to manifest itself in some
degree of mental conflict, and that in no case are the hostile feelings
against the children that result from this antagonism entirely abolished
from the mind.
[Sidenote: New factors influencing the attitude of parents to children in
later life]
As time proceeds and children grow up, two new factors of great importance
are liable to be added to those that determine the attitude of parents
towards their children, although in many cases one or both of these
factors may have been present in germinal form from the beginning. Both
factors are connected with the biological truth that in the history of
the race the child is the natural successor and substitute of the parent;
but while having this much in common, they differ markedly in their
psychological and social nature and effects, one factor tending to produce
envy and hatred towards the children, the other love, pride and joy in
their success.
[Sidenote: Envy of childrens' superiority]
The first of these two factors consists in the unwelcome realisation that
the child will shortly be, or perhaps already is, the equal or even the
superior of the parent in certain of the more important of life's aspects.
Thus the father may become painfully aware of the fact that he is being
gradually but certainly outmatched by his son in strength or skill or
learning; while the mother may similarly find herself becoming outrivalled
by her daughter in beauty, charm, accomplishments or intellectual power.
This awareness on the parent's part of the increasing failure of their
own powers relatively to those of their children is naturally liable to
increase the bitterness that they may already feel towards their children
for other reasons. Just as the self-interests of the parents formerly
caused them to grudge the care, attention and effort which the existence
of the children demanded, so now their pride and self-love may cause them
to grudge their children that superiority which nature in the course of
time bestows upon them.
[Sidenote: Parents' identification of themselves with their children]
It might well seem indeed as though some degree of ill-feeling on these
grounds would be inevitable in all parents in whom the self-regarding
sentiments were strongly or even normally developed. Fortunately
however it would appear that there exists a way by which the hatred
and unhappiness arising from this source can to a very large extent be
converted into feelings of an opposite and socially more satisfactory
character. It is here that there comes into play the second of the two
factors mentioned above. This factor consists of the process whereby
the parent identifies himself with his child, as it were incorporates
the child into his larger self and is thus able to take pleasure in the
increasing powers of the child as if they were his own. We have already
had occasion to study the corresponding process of identification in the
mind of the child; the child tends naturally to identify himself with his
parents or their substitutes, seeking thereby an increase of his own power
and satisfaction. For precisely similar reasons the parent, as old age
approaches (and even before then), will tend to identify himself with his
child, endeavouring thus to find compensation for the diminution of his
own personal capacity. Thus a father may regard the successes and failures
of his son in his scholastic and professional career with the same
personal interest, the same intimate emotional response as if they were
his own, while the mother often follows her daughters' erotic ambitions
and adventures, her matrimonial and parental life with a similar intensity
of feeling.
[Sidenote: This identification as a means of obtaining immortality]
This identification plays moreover a further and perhaps still more
important part inasmuch as it affords a means of overcoming the finality
of individual death, and insures the parent, through his children and
ultimately through their descendants, the nearest approach to material
immortality that can be hoped for here on earth. The love of children
and interest in their welfare which springs from the altruistic and
object-loving tendencies involved in the parental instincts may thus
become fused with the strongly egoistic tendencies grouped together under
the self-preserving and self-regarding instincts and sentiments; that
dearest and most powerful wish of the individual, _qua_ individual--the
desire for immortality--thus obtaining satisfaction in the same way and
at the same time as the strongest and most distinctive of all altruistic
impulses--those which minister to the needs of the race through the
love and care which is bestowed upon children by their parents. A
reconciliation of the egoistic and the altruistic, of the personal and the
racial trends, is thus brought about--a reconciliation which may be of the
greatest value to the individual, to the family and to the larger social
organism of which they both form a part.
[Sidenote: Vicarious enjoyments of children's pleasures and successes]
Not only is a parent capable of obtaining through his children the
satisfaction attendant upon a prolongation of his own existence; he may
also through them enjoy vicariously benefits, privileges, successes and
pleasures of which he himself has been deprived or has failed to reap
advantage. What the pessimist von Hartmann has styled the third stage of
humanity's illusion with regard to the possibility of happiness--the idea
that the pleasures which we have ourselves failed to find may nevertheless
be enjoyed by those that come after us--is nowhere more strongly rooted
than in the minds of parents when they think of the future of their
offspring. Whether the underlying hope be illusory or not, there can be
no doubt that many parents (and these on the whole of the nobler minded
sort) are willing to labour that their children may enjoy the result of
their efforts, to amass riches that their children may have the power that
wealth confers, or even to acquiesce in personal failure, if only their
children may thereby be brought nearer to success.
[Sidenote: Its sociological significance]
This aspect of the process of identification is one which, we may very
reasonably expect, will tend to play an increasing rôle as mental
development proceeds and men come to work more and more with distant
ends in view. If this expectation is correct, the aspect in question is
probably one of very great biological and sociological importance, for
even under present conditions it is clearly of much value in stimulating
effort and in fostering thoroughness, far-sightedness and care. If a man
realises that on his labours are dependent not only his own happiness
and well being but those of his children and his children's children,
he possesses one of the highest but at the same time one of the most
efficient incentives to truly moral conduct to which the developed human
mind is open[213].
[Sidenote: The development of the child requires a corresponding
readjustment of the parents' attitude]
[Sidenote: This is as necessary for the parent as for the child]
In order that the benefits and compensations attendant upon an
identification of this sort may be achieved, it is necessary that there
should take place a gradual change of attitude towards the child on the
part of the parent--a change which is very necessary also upon other
grounds. In the fourth and fifth chapters of this book we studied the
manner in which the successful development of the child requires an
ever increasing degree of emancipation from the ties of affection and
dependence which bind him to the parent. The proper carrying out of this
emancipation requires a corresponding loosening of the ties that bind
the parent to the child, involving a readjustment in the direction of
the parent's interests and affections. If the parent continues to lavish
on the child, as he grows up, the same amount of attention and affection
that he required in infancy, the normal development of the child's love
impulses is liable to be very seriously impeded; and should the child, in
spite of this difficulty, attain the stage of directing his love outside
the family, the parent is bound to suffer disappointment at what appears
to him (or at least to his unconscious mind) to be the thanklessness and
faithlessness of his child, and to feel jealousy and hatred towards the
person who has supplanted him in the child's affection. Similarly, should
the parent too long or too extensively afford protection to the child,
exercise authority over him or take over responsibility from him, the
child will inevitably find it difficult to acquire the necessary degree of
emancipation from the parent's care and jurisdiction; and should he after
all succeed in acquiring such emancipation, the parent will certainly
suffer as the result of being deprived all too suddenly and unwillingly
of the directive power over the child which he had hitherto enjoyed, and
of the outlet for his interests and emotional tendencies, which the care
of a child had hitherto afforded. The extreme demands on the energies and
affections of the parents (particularly on those of the mother) caused
by the utter helplessness of the human infant grow progressively less as
the child develops. The natural course of events demands therefore on the
part of the parents a gradual modification, redistribution and redirection
of the emotions and interests that centred round the child in its early
life; an undue prolongation of the tendencies natural to the early days
of parenthood must necessarily in the long run be detrimental to the true
interest both of child and parent.
[Sidenote: Difficulty and importance of this readjustment]
Obvious as these considerations may well seem to be, the logical carrying
out of the conclusions to which they point is often far from easy. In
practice it is often as hard for parents to wean themselves from their
primitive attitude towards their children, as it is for the children
themselves to acquire the necessary mental and moral independence of
their parents. The intense and profound emotions stirred up in the parent
by his relation to the child are not readily displaced into any other
channel, and fixation at a level only suited to the early stages of the
filio-parental relation may easily result. The consequent struggle of
the parent to keep possession of the child gives rise to some of the
most serious and tragic problems of family life. It is one of the chief
causes of the friction that so often exists between the older and younger
generations of the same family; it tends, as we have seen, to hamper the
mental and moral development of children and to foster in them psychical
conflicts which may produce permanently evil effects upon their character:
in the parents themselves it often favours selfishness and real disregard
for the children's welfare, under the guise of altruistic tenderness and
care; and finally it causes much unhappiness to the parents when, as
inevitably happens to some extent, they observe that, in spite of all
their efforts, their children are in one manner or another drifting from
them, as by coming under the influence of friends who are outside the
circle of the parents' acquaintance, by the adoption of habits, interests
or careers that are opposed to family tradition, or by marriage to persons
who to the parents' eyes appear to be unsuitable[214].
[Sidenote: The attitude of parents to the marriage of their children]
The question of marriage is, under existing conditions one of special
importance in this connection, since nothing else (with the exception
perhaps of permanent separation in space) tends to cut off individuals to
an equal extent from the direct influence and contact of their parents.
Parents who ardently desire to retain a strong influence over their
children are therefore as a rule opposed to the marriage of the latter,
and usually display marked antagonism to their sons or daughters-in-law:
an antagonism which is the source of very frequent domestic unhappiness.
Since the marriage of their children is however in many cases difficult
or impossible to avert, such parents will often seek to minimise the
disturbing effect of marriage by arranging that their children shall live
near them after marriage or that they shall marry a partner whom they
regard as suitable. In estimating suitability for this purpose, they are
usually guided by the extent to which the partner in question is likely
to constitute a serious obstacle to the operation of their own (the
parents') influence. Hence it often comes about that the persons selected
are sexually unattractive, of weak character or deficient in intellectual
power[215].
[Sidenote: Means of avoiding insufficient parental re-adjustment]
The avoidance of the evils consequent upon the insufficient readjustment
of the parents attitude towards their children is one of the most pressing
tasks of an enlightened hygiene of family life. In the accomplishment of
this task it would seem that there are two factors which are of great
importance: in the first place, the happiness of the relationship between
the two parents themselves (for, as we have seen, it is especially
in cases when marriage is unsuccessful that there is likely to be an
excessive outflow of emotion in the direction of the children); in the
second place, the maintenance of outside interests, hobbies or occupations
throughout the period of parenthood and the gradual reinforcement of
such interests as the growth of the children renders the demand upon the
parent's energy less extensive and continuous. Where the circumstances in
these two respects are satisfactory, they usually permit of the necessary
readjustment of parental energies with the minimum of friction and
suffering.
FOOTNOTES:
[Footnote 200: Mr. Shand's term, adopted by McDougall, is perhaps (in
England at any rate) the most generally used and understood in this
connection. The term Constellation is, however, used in the same sense by
psycho-analytic writers. A Sentiment (or Constellation) differs from a
complex only in that it manifests itself openly in consciousness, whereas
the complex is unconscious.]
[Footnote 201: Often, too, unmarried mothers; though in this case, owing
to the fact that under existing social conditions children born out of
wedlock cause more than the usual amount of anxiety and trouble, love is
very liable to be complicated or even replaced by hate.]
[Footnote 202: "Parents and Children."]
[Footnote 203: Thus the analysis of dreams occurring during pregnancy
would seem to show that a surprisingly large number of these have as
their principal motive the death of the child which the mother carries
in her womb. Nor do such death wishes on the part of the mother fail
to manifest themselves on occasion in the mother's waking thoughts and
actions. Abortion and attempts at abortion are of course extremely
common (especially where, through ignorance, carelessness or legislative
interference, the more humane method of preventive sexual intercourse is
not practised), but, even after birth, attempts of one kind or another on
the lives of children are by no means rare, even in civilised societies
to-day. (The practice of infanticide in more primitive communities is of
course notorious). I am assured by one who has good opportunities for
observation on this matter that "practical child murder (by slow and safe
methods) is far commoner than the newspaper reading public imagines: and
it is usually the mother who attempts the process".
As a milder method of disposing of an unwanted child, a mother will often
attempt to leave it in some institution for the care of children. So much
is this the case that almost the first question the authorities of such
institutions have to ask themselves, when the mother brings a child, is
whether she is trying to get rid of it.]
[Footnote 204: See _e.g._ Frazer, "Totemism and Exogamy," III, 298.]
[Footnote 205: See _e. g._ Frazer, "Totemism and Exogamy," II, 302. "Taboo
and the Perils of the Soul," 370.]
[Footnote 206: "Papers on Psycho-Analysis," 658.]
[Footnote 207: "Studies of Childhood," 105.]
[Footnote 208: This is sometimes shown quite openly in poor families,
where the parents "don't believe in their children having a better time
than they did" and where the children will not infrequently console
themselves for the sufferings they endure at the hands of their parents
by the thought of what they in their turn when grown up, will do to their
children.
Often however, the cruelty inflicted from this motive is rationalised as a
desire to avoid spoiling the child and to prepare him for the rough time
that he will have in later life. (_Cp._ this with the motives underlying
the infliction of punishment at initiation ceremonies among primitive
peoples, p. 83.).]
[Footnote 209: _Cp._ Brill, "Psychanalysis: Its Theory and Practical
Application," 279ff.]
[Footnote 210: The identification of the child with its grandparent is of
course not without effect upon the mind of the child himself, where it is
reinforced by a variety of other motives, such as:--the wish to become
the parent of his own parent (_i. e._ the corresponding notion to that
in the mind of the child's parent which we have just been considering),
the wish to dispense with his parent (_cp._ p. 109), the projection on
to the grandparent of the grandiose ideas formerly entertained with
regard to the parent (_cp._ p. 55), and finally the results of the happy
relationship that often exists between child and grandparent (owing to the
fact that the grandparents are as a rule less responsible for the child's
upbringing and education and less stern and vigorous in the assertion of
their authority). As a consequence there may arise in the child a strong
tendency to imitate the grandparents--a tendency that may constitute an
important factor in moulding the child's beliefs, attitudes, desires, and
occupations. _Cp._ Ernest Jones, "Papers on Psycho-Analysis," 652, ff.]
[Footnote 211: "Die Couvade und die Psychogenese der Vergeltungsfurcht."
_Imago_, 1914, III.]
[Footnote 212: As an example of an attitude obviously akin to one of the
main tendencies underlying the Couvade--a desire to inflict pain upon the
mother--we may mention the strong objection that was originally taken to
the use of anaesthetics in midwifery, on the ground that the suffering of
pain in childbirth was a just punishment for sin and that it was therefore
ethically undesirable to seek to do away with or abate this pain.]
[Footnote 213: For these reasons it would seem very undesirable to
tamper to any appreciable extent with the motives that may impel a man
to work for the advantage of his immediate posterity; as would be done
for instance, by any prohibition to transmit property to heirs, or by any
measure that too greatly diminished the value of such property, such as an
excessive death duty.
What seems to be to some extent the American ideal of each generation
"making good" in their own persons, is of course based mainly on perfectly
sound ethical and psychological considerations. There is nothing in
these considerations however which is incompatible with the hereditary
transmission of wealth or rank. On the contrary, it would seem to be an
ennobling and inspiring ideal for each generation to start life at a
somewhat higher all-round level--material and moral--than the one before
it, each one adding a little to the well-being of the family in body and
mind and handing on the improvement to its successor.
In spite of the great advantages that may thus follow from the
identification of the parent with his children, it behoves us not to
overlook one possible danger that may ensue from it, if carried to excess.
An individual's actions affect posterity, not only in the persons of his
own offspring, but also by their influence on the history of humanity
at large; and it would be highly undesirable if, while contemplating
the benefit of his own family, an individual ceased to bear in mind his
duties to the wider circles of his social environment. The deeds of great
men obviously determine to a considerable extent the future of the race.
It is however the privilege of all of us to contribute to this history
to some degree; hence an enlightened morality must needs emphasise the
responsibility that is incurred in this respect even by the humblest,
since, by his actions during life, he has to some extent made himself
immortal, and influenced the world through all time for good or ill.]
[Footnote 214: It may be well to bear in mind in this connection Mr.
Bernard Shaw's striking words from his brilliant essay on Parents and
Children (the whole of which deserves most careful reading). On the
subject of marriage from the point of view of the parents, he writes
with his usual penetration and with a generous understanding of the real
difficulties of the situation:--"Take a very common instance of this
agonizing incompatibility" (between the point of view of parents and
that of the children). "A widow brings up her son to manhood. He meets a
strange woman, goes off with and marries her, leaving his mother desolate.
It does not occur to him that this is at all hard on her; he does it as
a matter of course, and actually expects his mother to receive on terms
of special affection, the woman for whom she has been abandoned. If he
shewed any sense of what he was doing, any remorse; if he mingled his
tears with hers, and asked her not to think too hardly of him because he
had obeyed the inevitable destiny of a man to leave his father and mother
and cleave to his wife, she could give him her blessing and accept her
bereavement with dignity and without reproach. But the man never dreams
of such considerations. To him his mother's feeling in the matter, when
she betrays it, is unreasonable, ridiculous and even odious, as shewing a
prejudice against his adorable bride.
"I have taken the widow as an extreme and obvious case; but there are many
husbands and wives who are tired of their consorts, or disappointed in
them, or estranged from them by infidelities; and these parents, in losing
a son or a daughter through marriage, may be losing everything they care
for. No parent's love is as innocent as the love of a child; the exclusion
of all conscious sexual feeling from it does not exclude the bitterness,
jealousy, and despair at loss which characterize sexual passion; in fact,
what is called a pure love may easily be more selfish and jealous than a
carnal one. Anyhow, it is plain matter of fact that naively selfish people
sometimes try with fierce jealousy to prevent their children marrying." p.
XXXVIII.]
[Footnote 215: _Cp._ Jung, "Collected Papers on Analytical Psychology,"
156 ff. On the other hand in cases where, as in those we considered above,
the parent identifies himself with his children, he is very likely to
experience a strong attachment to the marital partners of his children.]