WINTER IN ST. PETERSBURG
To my great delight mamma decided to pass the winter in St. Petersburg.
I was enchanted to meet my pages again. We contrived to encounter
everywhere. One evening I went to the circus accompanied by my aunt, the
Princess Koudasheff, as chaperon. Entering the circus I looked round for
my young cavaliers who waited for me at the appointed place of meeting.
On our right was an empty box; I signalled to them, and they stepped
into it, appropriating it in spite of the energetic protestations of the
circus grooms. I enjoyed my pages neighbourhood immensely; we were all
of us in buoyant spirits and became wildly gay. I declared suddenly that
I should like something to drink, and my worthy aunt, who was propriety
incarnate, looked horribly shocked when the pages began to uncork a
bottle of lemonade, apprehending that the spectators would take my
innocent beverage for champagne.
Princess Mimi Troubetzkoy, a jolly playmate of my childhood, came to
pass Christmas in St. Petersburg. We were both glad to be together
again, having known one another from infancy, we had many interests and
tastes in common. Mimi was such a dear, delightful girl, and we had
an uncommonly good time together. In our daily walks we used to meet
a handsome, blustering officer, who managed to give us a good stare
each time we passed him in the street. We decided one day, Mimi and I,
to fling a pelot-balloon in order to know which of us attracted his
attention, and crossed to the other side of the street. Mimi went on
the left and I on the right side, and oh, triumph!—our follower came
after me. I was very flattered, and rejoiced at my victory over Mimi.
Her companion, a charming old lady who had once been governess to her,
seeing that the affair was taking a serious turn, hurried us off home.
That officer had been extremely useful to me one frosty day; he picked me
up when I stretched myself at full length on the slippery pavement, and
profiting by the opportunity, he murmured _sotto voce_ compliments into
my willing ear.
A young official, Mr. Ladigenski, occupied an apartment adjoining our
drawing-room. One evening, recalling with Mimi the old school-room days,
we played hide and seek, and profiting by the absence of our neighbour, I
hid myself in his bedchamber; Mimi having found me, we began to examine
with much curiosity the frivolous pictures that adorned the walls of his
bachelor apartment, which was indeed very improper in us. What would
Ladigenski have thought of us if he had caught us in his room? He paid us
a visit a few days afterwards, and I decided at the first sight that our
neighbour was not nice at all; I could even by no stretch of imagination
find him passable. He looked moth-eaten, and was quite too old for my
taste—thirty at least. He came nearly every day to see us, entering our
drawing-room, a bouquet in one hand and a box of bonbons in the other.
It was evident that he took more than an ordinary interest in me, but I
took none in him, however. Nevertheless, in a very short time he became
a nearly acknowledged suitor, forgetting that in questions of marriage
there are two people to be considered. Ladigenski was looked upon as
an exceedingly promising young man, and was spoken of by indefatigable
matchmakers as a suitable marriage for me; they said I would be an idiot
if I refused him. Horrid, meddling old cats! As a simple acquaintance
he was well enough, but could I accept the love of such a one? I didn’t
want to marry him, I didn’t want to marry anyone! The time for that sort
of thing had not come, and the right man hadn’t yet arrived. I should
surely have to marry one day, but the later the better, for I hadn’t got
the solid domestic virtues which one wants in a wife, besides I was in no
hurry to give up my freedom.
Most people think that marriage is the sole aim of a girl’s life, but
I chose to differ from them, for I despised a girl who sold herself
for gold, and as for me, I was not to be appropriated against my will,
certainly. I began to hate Ladigenski with some intensity, and had
made up my mind I shouldn’t marry him even if we two happened to be
shipwrecked on a desert island.
I was always alarmed when my love affairs seemed to be approaching
matrimonial engagements, and hated all the men who were in the mood
for marriage. I knew just when to draw the line when they wanted to
propose to me, and managed to keep my suitors sufficiently at a distance
to prevent any of them from making an offer. It was now the case with
poor Ladigenski; his chances were very small indeed, the warmer his
manner became, the more I froze. If he had eyes in his head he ought to
have seen how I detested him, but he was not a man to take a hint, and
the deprecating glances I threw in his direction met with no visible
acknowledgment, and he could hardly be made to understand that his
company was an intrusion. I grew deadly sick of my unwelcome suitor,
who was becoming the nightmare of my life. The sight of his face acted
on me as an ice-cold shower bath, but he continued to force his hateful
attentions upon me, and was not easy to break with.
The moment for decisive action had arrived; I felt that I must put an end
to all this business once for all and take measures to suppress him. As
my rebuffs had not the slightest effect upon him I planned an experiment
to cure him of his passion swiftly. I knew that he could hear every word
pronounced in our drawing-room, and I addressed myself to an imaginary
interlocutor, making disastrous revelation of my sentiments towards our
neighbour. “I find Ladigenski perfectly horrid,” I said in a very loud
voice, with a very strong accent on horrid, and put on the crowning touch
in saying that his whole aspect was disgusting, a positive eye-torture.
It was candid at any rate. This little manœuvre proved perfectly
successful, and my purpose was attained. For several days after that we
saw nothing of Ladigenski, and I rejoiced in his absence. But soon things
took another turn. Money had become scarce of late, and my parents found
their pecuniary difficulties increasing. I had to make up my mind to
a quieter life, so I decided to marry the first decently marriageable
man who should come my way, and after mature reflections I came to the
conclusion that Ladigenski was to be called back again, and that I must
make it right with him. I had been too hot-headed for a dowerless girl
like me, and was determined to mend matters roughly.
The important thing just then was that I should recover ground with
Ladigenski, which I had evidently lost. I would have given worlds to
have undone what I had done. Ladigenski had not actually said anything
that I could take as an offer of marriage, but he had gone very near
it, and being on the point of proposing to me, if he was to speak now
it would be something definite, and so I decided to give him hope and
encouragement. I sat down and wrote a letter in which I expressed regret
in being deprived of his society and told him that he was to forget the
stupid proceedings of my monologue, invented to tease him, and made him
understand that I was ready now to accept his offer. I enclosed my note
in a book that Ladigenski had lent me and sent it with our maid Olga. I
waited in a fever of impatience for his answer, desperately afraid lest
my letter had not safely reached its destination. Suppose mamma should
catch Olga in the corridor and discover my letter! At last Olga came back
with the answer. With fingers trembling I broke open the envelope and
read the following phrase: “It does not suit me to be trifled with any
longer, so please forget all about me.” Oh, the shame, the humiliation
experienced by me! And just at that moment, to my horror, I heard mamma
asking Ladigenski, through the wall of our room, to come and dine with us
at the restaurant.
How on earth could I face him? My only hope was that he would refuse, but
he answered that he would be delighted to come. What was I to do? I could
not plead a sudden indisposition, mamma wouldn’t believe it, for I was so
distressingly healthy in appearance. Small wonder then that my heart sank
within me when Ladigenski came walking into the restaurant, clean-shaven,
a white gardenia in his buttonhole. I was in the most awfully awkward
position, and felt upon thorns all through dinner. Ladigenski settled
himself beside me, perfectly at his ease; his voice was as usual cool
and quiet, but I could not pluck up courage to look at him, and steadily
refused to meet his eyes, assuming a wooden expression, and remained
tongue-tied, giving my whole attention to the contents of my plate, with
a longing to crawl under the table.
After dinner Ladigenski invited himself to come and take tea with us,
but I received him very ungraciously, being in a very beastly humour,
and did not attempt to conceal my vexation in having to endure his
presence. I made myself as disagreeable as possible, and answered him
in monosyllables, glancing nervously from time to time at the clock on
the mantlepiece, but he showed no inclination to rise, and would not
leave my side. I sent him mentally to Lucifer, that little abomination!
Mamma, rather surprised at my want of courtesy, was engaged all through
the evening in the serious business of keeping our guest in a good
temper. Losing my patience at last I went to bed demonstratively, leaving
Ladigenski alone with mamma. I was sure that I had shown him clearly
enough that I did not want to have anything more to do with him. It was
the last time I saw his face. He went away the next day, bag and baggage,
without even saying good-bye. So much the better; I did not miss my
departed admirer, he might have gone to Jericho for all I cared.
We came back to Dolgik at Easter but for a short while, for my Aunt
Staritzki, mamma’s sister, who lived in Tiflis, the capital of the
Caucasus, invited us to come and spend some time with her.