WRITTEN INVITATIONS
=Writing Letters of Invitation=, and answering letters of invitation,
often occupy far longer time in the composition than the writers would
care to confess. The difficulty does not lie in an invitation itself or
in accepting or refusing it, but rather in the form in which either
should be couched, the words that should be chosen, and the expressions
that should be used; one person is afraid of being too _empresse_,
another of being too formal or too stiff; one is fearful of saying too
little, another of saying too much.
When invitations are issued on dinner cards or on "at home" cards, the
note of acceptance should be as brief as is the printed card of
invitation, and to the printed card requesting the pleasure of Mrs.
Blank's company at dinner, the stereotyped answer is invariably Mrs.
Blank has much pleasure in accepting Mrs. Dash's kind invitation for
Saturday the 21st, or Mrs. Blank regrets that a previous engagement will
prevent her having the pleasure of accepting Mrs. Dash's kind invitation
for Saturday, the 21st.
As regards those invitations that refer to visits of some days'
duration, those accustomed to give this description of entertainment,
know exactly what to say and how to say it. The conventional civilities
or affectionate cordialities, as the case may be, occur in their proper
places; but one point is made clear in either case, namely, the length
of the visit to be paid. There are people who are under the impression
that to specify the exact length of a visit is in a degree inhospitable,
and not sufficiently polite; and they, therefore, as a sort of
compromise, use the ambiguous term "a few days" in lieu of distinctly
defining the limit of these invitations. So far from vague invitations
such as these being an advantage to invited guests, they not seldom
place them at a disadvantage at more points than one. They are uncertain
on what day they are to take their departure. They do not wish by
leaving a day earlier to disarrange any little plans that their hostess
may have contemplated for their amusement; neither do they wish to
prolong their visit a day later, lest by so doing they should break in
upon any engagements that she may have formed on her own account
independently of her visitors. It is also not a little awkward for
guests to tell their hostess that they think of leaving on Thursday by
12.20 train. It might have suited the hostess very much better that her
visitors should have left on the Wednesday, and in her own mind she had
perhaps intended that the visit should end on that day; but, having left
the invitation open, more or less, by saying "a few days," there is
nothing left for her but to sacrifice her own arrangements to the
convenience of her guests, as without discourtesy she could hardly
suggest to them that they should leave a day earlier than the one they
had named, and the visitors remain unconscious of having in any way
trespassed upon the good nature of their hostess.
"A few days" is also an unsatisfactory wording of an invitation to
visitors themselves; as a rule, it means three or four days, but there
is also an uncertainty as to whether the fourth day should be taken or
not. Those who interpret "a few days" to mean three days, make their
plans for departure accordingly; failing this, they are compelled to
leave their plans open, and stay from three to five days, according as
chance and circumstances may dictate. A lady would perhaps require a
little addition to her wardrobe in the matter of a five days' visit over
that of a three days' stay; but this is a trifling detail, although it
helps to swell the list of minor inconveniences which are the result of
vague invitations. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule, and
there are people who use this phrase of "Will you come and see us for a
few days?" in the _bona fide_ sense of the word, and to whom it is
immaterial whether their guests remain three days or six days; but such
an elastic invitation as this is usually given to a relative, or to a
very intimate friend, whose footing in the house is that of a relation,
and with whom the hostess does not stand on ceremony, as far as her own
engagements are concerned; and people on these friendly terms can talk
over their departure with their hostess, and consult her about it
without the faintest embarrassment.
=The most satisfactory invitation= is certainly the one that mentions
the day of arrival and the day of departure. Thus, after the _raison
d'etre_ of the invitation has been stated, the why and the wherefore of
its being given follows the gist of the letter: "We hope you will come
to us on Wednesday the 23rd, and remain until the 27th." It is, of
course, open to a hostess to ask her visitors to prolong their stay
beyond the date named if she sees reason for so doing; but this is the
exception rather than the rule in the case of short visits, and guests
take their departure as a matter of course on the day named in the
invitation. Hostess and guests are perfectly at ease upon the subject,
and guests do not feel on delicate ground with their hostess, or fear to
outstay their welcome. When a visit has been paid it is polite, if not
imperative, to write to the hostess and express the pleasure that has
been derived from it. Oftener than not some little matter arises which
necessitates a note being written apart from this; but whether or not,
good feeling and good taste would dictate that some such note should be
written, and, as it can always include little matters of general
interest in connection with the past visit, it need neither be over
ceremonious nor coldly polite.
=To write a letter asking for an invitation=, or to answer a letter
asking for an invitation, is in either case a difficult letter to write,
as many have ere this discovered. When a married lady asks for an
invitation for a young relative or friend staying with her, to some
dance or "at home" to which she herself is invited, the note is simple
enough, and the answer is generally a card of invitation or a written
permission to bring her. Again, in the case of asking for invitations
for gentlemen, if a lady is going to a ball, she can without hesitation,
ask for cards of invitation for one or two gentlemen friends of her own,
mentioning their names in the note. In this case also the answer is
generally in the affirmative, as men are always acquisitions at a ball.
The awkwardness of the situation arises when a good-natured person is
solicited to obtain an invitation to a smart ball for a lady and her
daughters, or for the young ladies only, the latter knowing some one who
would chaperon them if they could only get an invitation. If the lady
who asks for the invitation is a fashionable ball-giver, the probability
is that her request will be granted; but if the contrary, the reverse
will most likely be the case. Even when writing to an intimate friend,
there is always a delicacy in asking for an invitation for a third
person, and society appears to become, year after year, still more
exclusive on this point. Many people are reluctant, or decline
altogether, to put themselves under an obligation of this nature, even
for those with whom they are most intimate; it may be that the number of
refusals good-natured people have received from their friends when
trying to render services of this description, have made them chary of
putting themselves forward again in a similar manner: it is chilling to
be told that the list is over full, or that so many people have been
refused already, or that there is not a card to spare. But a few years
ago a ball was not considered a success unless it was an over-crowded
one; the popularity of the ball-giver was shown by the guests scarcely
being able to find standing-room. Thus, invitations were given right
and left to the friends of those who asked for them.
But the fashion of to-day is to style a crowded ball-room a
"bear-garden," and to confine the invitations, with but very few
exceptions, to those who are strictly on the visiting list of the
ball-giver; and pretty girls may sigh in vain for an invitation to a
ball given even by a relative or acquaintance of their own, if not on
their visiting list. Still, invitations are constantly asked for by
people for their friends, and sometimes they are given and sometimes
they are refused, as the case may be, but much depends upon the position
of the one who solicits the favour.
If the giver of an entertainment wishes to oblige the petitioner, she
will stretch a point to do so; if not, she will write a polite note of
excuse, giving one of the reasons before mentioned. It is thoroughly
understood people do not ask for invitations for themselves, whatever
they may do for their friends, and that they would not do so unless they
were themselves invited. Living at a distance modifies, however, this
latter rule; and friends in the country often ask for invitations for
friends in town, and _vice versa_.
=Dinner invitations= are, as a matter of course, never asked for; but
invitations to garden-parties, afternoon "at homes," and afternoon teas,
are frequently asked for and readily given. Some are intimate enough at
the house where they visit to take a relative or friend with them to
these afternoon gatherings without observing the punctiliousness of
asking for an invitation; others, on less intimate terms, do not venture
upon doing so.
In all cases when an invitation is asked for, a hostess should never
neglect to send a reply, and should not take for granted that her
friends will naturally understand that silence gives consent, for under
the circumstances it is very possible to interpret it to signify a
refusal.