DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT
=Dinner= giving is perhaps the most important of all social observances,
therefore dinner-parties rank first amongst all entertainments.
Dinner giving is so thoroughly understood to rest upon the principle of
an equivalent, that those who do not give dinners hardly come within the
category of diners out. This rule, however, is open to many exceptions
in favour of privileged individuals, popular and prominent members of
society whose presence at dinner-parties is appreciated and welcomed in
most circles.
Dinner-parties are of more frequent occurrence, and are of more social
significance, than any other form of entertainment.
=Dinner Invitations.=--An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of
esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is
conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the
highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to
another. It is also a civility that can be readily interchanged, which
in itself gives it an advantage over all other civilities.
The orthodox dinner giver must necessarily possess a certain amount of
wealth, and wealth and wit do not always go hand in hand. Oftener than
not, the former rather overweights the latter; hence, the introduction
of a lighter element in the form of amusing people whose _metier_ in
life it is to be amusing and to appear amused.
Dinner giving is in itself not only a test of the position occupied in
society by the dinner giver, but it is also a direct road to obtaining a
recognised place in society. A means of enlarging a limited acquaintance
and a reputation for giving good dinners is in itself a passport to
fashionable society. Dinner giving, in the fullest sense of the word, is
a science not easily acquired, so much depending on the talent which the
host or hostess may possess for organising dinner-parties.
When a large dinner-party is contemplated, it is usual to give three
weeks' notice, but of late this notice has been extended to four, five,
and even six weeks.
Diners out are rather inclined to rebel against this innovation,
considering that an invitation bearing the date of a month hence pledges
them to remain in town, and as it were controls their movements, for the
acceptance of an invitation is in the eyes of diners out a binding
obligation; only ill-health, family bereavement, or some all-important
reason justifies its being set on one side or otherwise evaded.
Those inconsiderate enough to make trivial excuses at the last moment
are not often retained on the dinner-list of a host or hostess.
Dinner invitations are issued in the joint names of host and hostess.
The master of the house occupies a prominent position amongst his
guests, when dispensing hospitality as a "dinner giver."
From five to ten days' notice is considered sufficient for invitations
to small and unceremonious dinner-parties.
Printed cards are in general use in town for issuing dinner invitations,
and can be purchased from any stationer; these cards only require to be
filled in with the names of host and hostess and guests, date, hour, and
address. The united names of the host and hostess should be written in
the space left for that purpose. Thus, "Mr. and Mrs. A.," and the name
or names of the guests in the next vacant space.
When invitations are issued for small dinner-parties, it is more usual
to write notes than to make use of printed cards.
Acceptances or refusals of dinner invitations should be sent with as
little delay as possible after the invitations have been received. It is
a want of courtesy on the part of a person invited not to do so, as a
hostess is otherwise left in doubt as to whether the person invited
intends dining with her or not, and is consequently unable to fill up
the vacant place with an eligible substitute; thus rendering her
dinner-party an ill-assorted one.
An answer to an invitation cannot be solicited in a subsequent note; it
is therefore incumbent upon the invited person to dispatch an answer
within a day or two at least. Dinner invitations are either sent by post
or by a servant, and the answers are also conveyed in a like manner.
Dinner invitations are invariably sent out by the hostess.
It is not usual in town to invite more than three members of one family;
it is now the custom to ask young ladies with their parents to
dinner-parties.
=Receiving Dinner-Guests.=--The guests should arrive within fifteen
minutes of the hour named on the invitation card.
On no occasion is punctuality more imperative than in the case of dining
out; formerly many allowed themselves great latitude in this respect,
and a long wait for the tardy guests was the result. A host and hostess
frequently waited over half an hour for expected guests. But now
punctuality has become the rule in the highest circles, and dinner is
served within twenty minutes of the arrival of the first guest. In
general, people much given to dining out make a point of arriving in
good time; but there are many in society who presume upon their
position, and are proverbially unpunctual, knowing that in the height of
the season a hostess would wait half an hour rather than sit down to
dinner without them; but this want of consideration soon becomes known
in their different sets, and is always taken into account when "their
company is requested at dinner."
In France, it is not the rule, or the custom, to wait dinner for late
arrivals, and the dinner is served punctually to the hour named in the
invitation.
The dinner-hour varies from eight to nine, although perhaps 8.30 is the
most usual hour. In the country it ranges from 7.30 to 8.30.
Punctuality on the part of the guests enables the hostess to make any
introductions she may consider advisable before dinner is served.
The host and hostess should be in readiness to receive their guests in
the drawing-room at the hour specified on the card.
On arrival, a lady should take off her cloak in the cloak-room, or
should leave it in the hall with the servant in attendance, before
entering the drawing-room.
A gentleman should leave his overcoat and hat in the gentlemen's
cloak-room, or in the hall.
At large dinner-parties, the butler is stationed on the staircase, and
announces the guests as they arrive. At small dinner-parties, or where
only one man-servant is kept, the servant precedes the guest or guests
on their arrival, to the drawing-room. The guests should then give their
names to the servant, that he may announce them.
A lady and gentleman, on being announced, should not enter the
drawing-room arm-in-arm or side by side. The lady or ladies, if more
than one, should enter the room in advance of the gentleman, although
the servant announces "Mr., Mrs., and Miss A."
The host and hostess should come forward and shake hands with each guest
on arrival. The ladies should at once seat themselves, but gentlemen
either stand about the room and talk to each other, or sit down after a
wait of some minutes.
When a lady is acquainted with many of the guests present, she should
not make her way at once to shake hands with all, but should make an
opportunity to do so in an unobtrusive manner; it would be sufficient to
recognise them by a nod or a smile in the mean time. A lady should bow
to any gentleman she knows, and he should cross the room to shake hands
with her at once if disengaged.
At a small dinner-party, where the guests are unacquainted, the hostess
should introduce the persons of highest rank to each other; but at a
large dinner-party, she would not do so, unless she had some especial
reason for making the introduction.
In the country, introductions at dinner-parties are far oftener made
than in town.
Precedency is strictly observed at all dinner-parties. (See Chapter V.)
=Sending Guests in to Dinner.=--The host should take the lady of highest
rank present in to dinner, and the gentleman of highest rank should take
the hostess. This rule is absolute, unless the lady or gentleman of
highest rank is related to the host or hostess, in which case his or her
rank would be in abeyance, out of courtesy to the other guests.
A husband and wife, or a father and daughter, or a mother and son,
should not be sent in to dinner together.
A host and hostess should, if possible, invite an equal number of ladies
and gentlemen. It is usual to invite two or more gentlemen than there
are ladies, in order that the married ladies should not be obliged to go
in to dinner with each other's husbands only. Thus, Mrs. A. and Mr. B.,
Mr. B. and Mrs. A., Mrs. B. should be taken in to dinner by Mr. C., and
Mr. A. should take Mrs. G., and so on.
When ladies are in a majority at a dinner-party to the extent of two or
three, the ladies of highest rank should be taken in to dinner by the
gentlemen present, and the remaining ladies should follow by themselves;
but such an arrangement is unusual and undesirable, though sometimes
unavoidable when the dinner-party is an impromptu one, for instance, and
the notice given has been but a short one.
If there should be one gentleman short of the number required, the
hostess frequently goes in to dinner by herself, following in the wake
of the last couple.
The usual mode of sending guests in to dinner is for the host or hostess
to inform each gentleman, shortly after his arrival, which of the ladies
he is to take in to dinner.
No "choice" is given to any gentleman as to which of the ladies he would
prefer taking in to dinner, it being simply a question of precedency.
Should any difficulty arise as to the order in which the guests should
follow the host to the dining-room, the hostess, knowing the precedency
due to each of her guests, should indicate to each gentleman when it is
his turn to descend to the dining-room. He should then offer his arm to
the lady whom the host had previously desired him to take in to dinner.
Dinner is announced by the butler or man-servant.
When the guests have arrived, or when the host desires dinner to be
served, he should ring or inform the servant accordingly.
On dinner being announced, the host should give his right arm to the
lady of highest rank present, and, with her, lead the way to the
dining-room, followed by the lady second in rank, with a gentleman
second in rank and so on. The gentleman of highest rank present should
follow last with the hostess.
When the second couple are about to leave the drawing-room, the hostess
frequently requests each gentleman in turn to follow with a lady
according to the precedency due to each. Thus, "Mr. A., will you take
Mrs. B.?" This also answers the purpose of an introduction, should the
couple be unacquainted with each other, and the hostess has not found an
opportunity of introducing them to each other on their arrival.
When a case of precedency occurs, in which either the lady or gentleman
must waive their right of precedence, that of the gentleman gives way to
that of the lady. (See Chapter V.)
A gentleman should offer his right arm to a lady on leaving the
drawing-room.
Ladies and gentlemen should not proceed to the dining-room in silence,
but should at once enter into conversation with each other. (See the
work entitled "The Art of Conversing.")
On entering the dining-room the lady whom the host has taken in to
dinner should seat herself at his right hand. On the Continent this
custom is reversed, and it is etiquette for the lady to sit at the left
hand of the gentleman by whom she is taken in to dinner.
The host should remain standing in his place, at the bottom of the
table, until the guests have taken their seats, and should motion the
various couples as they enter the dining-room to the places he wishes
them to occupy at the table. This is the most usual method of placing
the guests at the dinner-table. When the host does not indicate where
they are to sit, they sit near to the host or hostess according to
precedency.
The host and hostess should arrange beforehand the places they wish
their guests to occupy at the dinner-table.
If a host did not indicate to the guests the various places he wished
them to occupy, the result would probably be that husbands and wives
would be seated side by side, or uncongenial people would sit together.
The custom of putting a card with the name of the guest on the table in
the place allotted to each individual guest is frequently followed at
large dinner-parties, and in some instances the name of each guest is
printed on a menu and placed in front of each cover.
The host and the lady taken in to dinner by him should sit at the bottom
of the table. He should sit in the centre at the bottom of the table and
place the lady whom he has taken down at his right hand. The same rule
applies to the hostess. She should sit in the centre at the top of the
table, the gentleman by whom she has been taken in to dinner being
placed at her left hand.
The lady second in rank should sit at the host's left hand.
Each lady should sit at the right hand of the gentleman by whom she is
taken in to dinner.
It is solely a matter of inclination whether a lady and gentleman, who
have gone in to dinner together, converse with each other only, or with
their right-and left-hand neighbours also, but they usually find some
topic of conversation in common, otherwise a dinner-party would prove
but a succession of _tete-a-tete_.
=The Menus= are placed the length of the table, on an average one to two
persons or occasionally one to each person, and the menu cards are
elaborate or simple, according to individual taste, and are purchased
printed for the purpose, having a space for the names of the dishes to
be filled in, which is usually done by the mistress of the house, unless
the establishment is on a large scale, it being usual to write them out
in French.
Fanciful menu holders are much in use.
The use of menus would be pretentious at a small dinner-party when there
is but little choice of dishes; but when there is a choice of dishes a
menu is indispensable.
=The Usual and Fashionable Mode of serving Dinner= is called _Diner a la
Russe_, although at small or friendly dinners the host sometimes prefers
to carve the joint himself in the first course, and the birds in the
second course. But dinner-tables, whether for dining _a la Russe_, or
for dining _en famille_, are invariably arranged in the same style, the
difference being merely the extent of the display made as regards
flowers, plate and glass, which are the accessories of the dining-table.
When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the
proper quantity; a soup-plate should not be filled with soup.
When the party is a small one, and the joints or birds are carved by the
host, the portions should be handed to the guests in the order in which
they are seated, although occasionally the ladies are helped before the
gentlemen.
The rule at all dinner-parties is for the servant to commence serving by
handing the dishes to the lady seated at the host's right hand, then to
the lady seated at the host's left hand, and from thence the length of
the table to each guest in the order seated, irrespective of sex.
Double _entrees_ should be provided at large dinner-parties, and the
servants should commence handing the dishes at both sides of the table
simultaneously.
_Diner a la Russe_ is the Russian fashion introduced into society many
years ago. The whole of the dinner is served from a side-table, no
dishes whatever being placed on the table save dishes of fruit.
=Dinner-table Decorations.=--As regards the most correct style of
dinner-table decorations, they offer great diversity of arrangement.
High centre pieces and low centre pieces. Low specimen glasses placed
the length of the table and trails of creepers and flowers laid on the
table-cloth itself are some of the prevailing features of the day, but
table decorations are essentially a matter of taste rather than of
etiquette, and the extent of these decorations depends very much upon
the size of the plate chest and the length of the purse of the dinner
giver.
The fruit for dessert is usually arranged down the centre of the table,
amidst the flowers and plate. Some dinner-tables are also adorned with a
variety of French conceits besides fruit and flowers; other
dinner-tables are decorated with flowers and plate only, the dessert not
being placed on the table at all; but this latter mode can only be
adopted by those who can make a lavish display of flowers and plate in
the place of fruit.
As regards lighting the dinner table. Electric light is now in general
use in town, and more or less in the country when possible. When not
available, lamps and wax candles are used as heretofore. The shades in
use should be carefully chosen as they add greatly to the comfort of the
guests and to the success of the lighting. Silver candlesticks are often
fitted with small electric lamps, and handsome silver lamps are brought
into use in a similar manner for the dinner table.
The term "cover" signifies the place laid at table for each person. It
consists of a table-spoon for soup, fish knife and fork, two knives, two
large forks, and glasses for wines given. For such arrangements see
chapter "Waiting at dinner" in the work entitled "Waiting at Table."
Sherry is always drunk after soup, hock with the fish after the soup.
Champagne is drunk immediately after the first _entree_ has been served,
and during the remainder of dinner until dessert. Claret, sherry, port,
and Madeira are the wines drunk at dessert, and not champagne, as it is
essentially a dinner wine. When liqueurs are given they are handed after
the ices.
=Dinner-table Etiquette.=--Soup should be eaten with a table-spoon and
not with a dessert-spoon, it would be out of place to use a
dessert-spoon for that purpose. Dessert-spoons, as their name implies,
are intended for other purposes, such as for eating fruit-tarts,
custard-puddings, etc., or any sweet that is not sufficiently
substantial to be eaten with a fork.
Fish should be eaten with a silver fork when possible, otherwise with a
silver fish knife and fork.
All made dishes, such as _quenelles_, _rissoles_, patties, etc., should
be eaten with a fork only, and not with a knife and fork.
For sweetbreads and cutlets, etc., a knife and fork are requisite; and,
as a matter of course, for poultry, game, etc.
In eating asparagus, a knife and fork should be used, and the points
should be cut off and eaten with a fork as is sea-kale, etc.
Salad should be eaten with a knife and fork; it is served on salad
plates, which are placed beside the dinner-plates.
Cucumber is eaten off the dinner-plate, and not off a separate plate.
Peas should be eaten with a fork.
In eating game or poultry, the bone of either wing or leg should not be
touched with the fingers, but the meat cut close off the bone; and if a
wing it is best to sever it at the joint, by which means the meat is cut
off far more easily.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork, but in the case of a fruit tart, a
dessert-spoon should be used as well as a fork, but only for the purpose
of conveying the fruit and juice to the mouth; and in the case of stone
fruit--cherries, damsons, plums, etc.--either the dessert-spoon or fork
should be raised to the lips to receive the stones, which should be
placed at the side of the plate; but when the fruit stones are of larger
size, they should be separated from the fruit with the fork and spoon,
and left on the plate, and not put into the mouth; and whenever it is
possible to separate the stones from the fruit it is best to do so.
Jellies, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork,
as should be all sweets sufficiently substantial to admit of it.
When eating cheese, small morsels of the cheese should be placed with
the knife on small morsels of bread, and the two conveyed to the mouth
with the thumb and finger, the piece of bread being the morsel to hold,
as cheese should not be taken up in the fingers, and should not be eaten
off the point of the knife.[3]
The finger-glass should be removed from the ice-plate and placed on the
left-hand side of the dessert-plate. When ices are not given, the
d'oyley should be removed with the finger-glass and placed beneath it.
When eating grapes, the half-closed hand should be placed to the mouth,
and the stones and skins allowed to fall into the fingers, and placed on
the side of the plate. Some persons bend the head so as to allow of the
stones and skins of the grapes falling on the side of the plate; but
this latter way is old-fashioned, and seldom followed. Cherries and
other small stone-fruit should be eaten in the way grapes are eaten,
also gooseberries.
When strawberries and raspberries, etc., are not eaten with cream, they
should be eaten from the stalks; when eaten with cream, a dessert-spoon
should be used to remove them from the stalks. When served in the
American fashion without stalks, both fork and spoon should be used.
Pears and apples should be peeled and cut into halves and quarters with
a fruit-knife and fork, as should peaches, nectarines, and apricots.
Melons should be eaten with a spoon and fork.
Pines with knife and fork.
The dessert is handed to the guests in the order in which the dinner has
been served.[4]
When the guests have been helped to wine, and the servants have left the
dining-room, the host should pass the decanters to his guests,
commencing with the gentleman nearest to him.
It is not the fashion for gentlemen to drink wine with each other either
at dinner or dessert, and the guest fills his glass or not, according to
inclination.
Ladies are not supposed to require a second glass of wine at dessert,
and passing the decanters is principally for the gentlemen. If a lady
should require a second glass of wine at dessert, the gentleman seated
next to her would fill her glass; she should not help herself to wine.
After the wine has been passed once around the table, or about ten
minutes after the servants have left the dining-room, the hostess should
give the signal for the ladies to leave the dining-room, by bowing to
the lady of highest rank present, seated at the host's right hand. She
should then rise from her seat, as should all the ladies on seeing her
do so.
The gentlemen should rise also, and remain standing by their chairs
until the ladies have quitted the room, which they should do in the
order in which they have entered it, the lady of highest rank leading
the way, the hostess following last.
The host, or the gentleman nearest the door, should open it for the
ladies to pass out, and close it after them.
When the ladies have left the dining-room, the gentlemen should close up
as near to the host as possible, so as to render conversation general.
The wines usually drunk by gentlemen after dinner are claret of a fine
quality, and port.
The ladies on leaving the dining-room return to the drawing-room. Coffee
should be almost immediately brought to the drawing-room. The
coffee-cups containing coffee should be brought on a silver salver, with
a cream-jug and a basin of crystallised sugar.
In large country houses coffee is sometimes brought in a silver
coffee-pot, and the lady would then pour out her own coffee, the servant
holding the salver the meanwhile.
Coffee should be taken a few minutes later to the dining-room, and
either handed to the gentlemen, or placed on the table, that they may
help themselves (see the work previously referred to).
A very general plan is, after the wine has gone round once or twice, for
the host to offer cigarettes, which are smoked before the gentlemen join
the ladies in the drawing-room.
After coffee, the gentleman of highest rank should leave the dining-room
first. The host would not propose an adjournment to the drawing-room,
until he observed a wish to do so on the part of his guests, but there
is no hard and fast rule on this head.
It is not now the fashion for gentlemen to sit over their wine beyond
fifteen or twenty minutes at the utmost, instead of as formerly, from
three-quarters of an hour to an hour, a change much appreciated by
hostesses.
On the Continent the gentlemen accompany the ladies to the drawing-room,
and do not remain in the dining-room as in England.
The gentleman of highest rank present could suggest an adjournment to
the drawing-room within a quarter of an hour if he thought proper to do
so. If the other guests were engaged in a discussion in which he did not
wish to take part, having suggested the adjournment, he could leave the
dining-room to join the ladies in the drawing-room; but as a rule, the
gentlemen leave the dining-room together, the host following last.
The host should ring the dining-room bell before leaving the room, as an
intimation to the butler that the gentlemen have left the room.
At ceremonious dinner-parties in town neither music nor cards are
introduced during the usual half-hour passed in the drawing-room before
the hour for departure.
At country-house dinner-parties music or round games of cards are in
request.
=Departure after Dinner.=--There is no rule as to the order in which the
guests should take their leave. Half-past ten is the usual hour for
general departure; and the butler announces the several carriages as
they arrive to the guests in the drawing-room. But if any lady wished to
inquire if her carriage had arrived, she should ask the hostess's
permission to do so; and the bell would be rung for the purpose of
making the enquiry. The same remark applies to ordering a cab: the lady
should ask the hostess if one might be ordered for her.
The hostess should shake hands with all her guests on their departure,
rising from her seat to do so.
Each guest on departure should shake hands with both host and hostess.
If, on leaving the room, acquaintances should pass each other, they
should wish each other good-night, but they should not make the tour of
the rooms for the purpose of so doing.
The host should conduct one or two of the principal of his lady guests
to their carriages.
The ladies should put on their cloaks in the cloak-room, the host
waiting in the hall meanwhile.
A gentleman related to the host or hostess, or a friend of the family,
could offer to conduct a lady to her carriage if the host were otherwise
engaged.
=Gratuities= should never be offered by the guests at a dinner-party to
the servants in attendance. Gentlemen should not offer fees to the
men-servants, neither should ladies to the lady's-maid in attendance.
The guests should call on the hostess within a week or ten days after a
dinner-party. If "not at home," a married lady should leave one of her
own cards and two of her husband's; a widow should leave one of her own
cards; a bachelor or a widower should leave two cards.
The rule as to calling after dinner-parties is greatly relaxed between
intimate friends, and the call often omitted altogether; and this more
particularly as regards gentlemen, whose occupations during the day are
considered good and sufficient reasons for not calling.
=Country Dinner-Parties.=--In the country, new acquaintances, if
neighbours, should be asked to dinner within a month of the first call
if possible, and the return invitation should be given within the
following month.
When guests are assembled at a country house, they are sent in to
dinner, on the first evening, according to their individual precedence;
but on subsequent evenings the gentlemen frequently draw lots to decide
which lady they shall have the pleasure of taking in to dinner,
otherwise a lady and gentleman would go in to dinner together five or
six consecutive times, according to the length of the visit, but this is
more a practice with people who march with the times, than with what are
termed "old-fashioned people."
When a party is varied by additional dinner-guests each evening, drawing
lots gives way to precedency, it being too familiar a practice to be
adopted at a large dinner-party.
=Saying Grace=, both before and after dinner, is a matter of feeling
rather than of etiquette. It used to be very much the custom to say
"grace," but of late years it is oftener omitted than not, especially at
large dinner-parties in town.
In the country, when a clergyman is present, he should be asked to say
grace. When grace is said by the host, it is said in a low voice, and in
a very few words; the guests inclining their heads the while.
It was no rapid revolutionary change in manners that brought about the
difference that now exists between the Elizabethan and present eras; no
polished mentor came forward to teach that it was not the nicest and
cleanest thing to do, to put knives into the salt, to dip fingers into
plates, or to spread butter with the thumb; on the contrary, these
things righted themselves little by little, step by step, until the
present code of manners was arrived at. But it is quite possible that a
hundred years hence it will be discovered that the manners of the
present century offered wide scope for improvement.
In the meantime these rules of etiquette observed in society are adhered
to and followed by those who do not wish to appear singular, eccentric,
old-fashioned, unconventional, or any other adjective that the temper of
their judges may induce them to apply to them for committing solecisms,
either small or great.
=Married Ladies, as a rule, dine out with their Husbands=, and do not
accept invitations to large dinners when their husbands are unable to
accompany them. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule, and
circumstances sometimes arise when it is greatly relaxed; but even in
this case it would be in favour of small and friendly dinners rather
than large ones.
During any temporary absence of her husband, a lady would accept
invitations to dine with her relatives and intimate friends, though she
might refuse invitations to large dinners given by acquaintances; but,
as a rule, when it is well known that the head of a house is away for
any length of time, invitations are seldom sent to the wife by givers of
large dinners.
When young ladies are invited to dinner they accompany their father,
mother or brother; but occasionally, when a young ladies' party is given
by a friend of their parents', the young ladies are invited alone, and
they should either go with their maid in a cab or by themselves in their
father's carriage.
FOOTNOTES:
[3] Respecting the arrangement of the dinner table for dessert, see the
work entitled "Waiting at Table."
[4] See the work entitled "Waiting at Table."