PAYING CALLS
Ladies stand upon strict and ceremonious etiquette with each other as
regards both paying and receiving calls. Ignorance or neglect of the
rules which regulate paying calls, brings many inconveniences in its
train; for instance, when a lady neglects to pay a call due to an
acquaintance, she runs the risk of herself and daughters being excluded
from entertainments given by the said acquaintance.
When a call has not been made within a reasonable time, a coldness is
apt to arise between ladies but slightly acquainted with each other.
Some ladies take this omission good-naturedly or indifferently, while
with others the acquaintance merges into a mere bowing acquaintance to
be subsequently dropped altogether.
The first principle of calling is, that those who are the first to
arrive in town should be the _first_ to call upon their acquaintances to
intimate their return.
"Morning calls," so designated on account of their being made before
dinner, are, more strictly speaking, "afternoon calls," as they should
only be made between the hours of three and six o'clock.
Calls made in the morning--that is before one o'clock--would not come
under the denomination of "morning calls," as they can only be made by
intimate friends and not by acquaintances, and are not, therefore,
amenable to the rules of etiquette which govern the afternoon calls,
which calls are regulated in a great measure--as to the hour of
calling--by the exact degree of intimacy existing between the person who
calls and the person called upon. From three to four o'clock is the
ceremonious hour for calling; from four to five o'clock is the
semi-ceremonious hour; and from five to six o'clock is the wholly
friendly and without ceremony hour.
If a lady is driving when she calls at the house of an acquaintance, she
should say to her servant, "Ask if Mrs. A---- is at home."
When a lady is walking, she should ask the same question herself.
When the answer is in the negative, she should leave one of her own
cards and one of her husband's, and should say to the servant, "For Mr.
and Mrs. A----."
When the answer is in the affirmative, the lady should enter the house
without further remark and follow the servant to the drawing-room.
The servant should go before the visitor, to lead the way to the
drawing-room, and, however accustomed a visitor may be to a house, it is
still the proper etiquette for the servant to lead the way, and announce
him or her to his mistress; and this rule should not be dispensed with,
except in the case of very near relations or very intimate friends.
At the drawing-room door the servant waits for a moment until the
visitor has reached the landing, when the visitor should give his or her
name to the servant, "Mr. A----" or "Mrs. A----," should the servant be
unacquainted with it.
If the visitor calling bears the title of "Honourable" it should not be
mentioned by him or her to the servant when giving the name, neither
should it be mentioned by the servant when announcing the visitor.
All titles are given in full by the servants of those who bear them,
thus: "The Duke and Duchess of A----," "The Marquis and Marchioness of
B----," "The Earl and Countess of C----," "Viscount and Viscountess
D----," "Lord and Lady E----," etc.; but a marchioness, a countess, or a
viscountess when giving her name to be announced at a morning call would
style herself "Lady A----" only.
A gentleman or lady should never give his or her visiting card to the
servant when the mistress of the house is at home.
A servant should not knock at the drawing-room door when announcing
visitors. The servant, on opening the drawing-room door, should stand
inside the doorway, he should not stand behind the door, but well into
the room; facing the mistress of the house if possible, and should say,
"Mr. A----," or "Mrs. A----."
When the mistress of the house is not in the drawing-room when a visitor
arrives, the visitor should seat herself and rise at her entrance.
Visitors should not make any inquiries of the servant as to how long his
mistress will be, or where she is, or what she is doing, etc. Visitors
are not expected to converse with the servants of their acquaintances,
and should not enter into conversation with them.
Formerly a gentleman when calling, took his hat and stick in his hand
with him into the drawing-room, and held them until he had seen the
mistress of the house and shaken hands with her. He either placed them
on a chair or table near at hand or held them in his hand, according as
to whether he felt at ease or the reverse, until he took his leave. Many
middle-aged and elderly men still follow this fashion in a degree, and
take their hats and sticks into the drawing-room when making formal
calls.
The newer fashion amongst younger men is to leave their hats and sticks
in the hall and not to take them into the drawing-room with them when
calling. To do this is now very general, as hats are in the way if tea
is going on; besides, men were apt to forget where they placed their
hats, and frequently had to return to the drawing-room in search of
them.
At "at homes," small afternoon teas, luncheons, dinners, etc., the rule
is the same, and hats are left in the hall by invited guests.
A gentleman should not take his stick or umbrella with him into the
drawing-room, but leave it in the hall.
When gentlemen wear gloves, they can take them off or keep them on as
they please, it is immaterial which they do, but when a call is made
when tea is going on, it is more usual to take them off.
When the mistress of the house is in the drawing-room when a visitor is
announced--and she should so arrange her occupations as always to be
found there on the afternoons when she intends being "at home" should
visitors call--she should rise, come forward, and shake hands with her
visitor. She should not ask her visitor to be seated, or to "take a
seat," but she might say, "Where will you sit?" or, "Will you sit here?"
or something to this effect; and should at once sit down and expect her
visitor to do the same, as near to herself as possible.
Both hostess and visitor should guard against displaying a fussy
demeanour during a morning call, as a morning call is oftener than not a
_tete-a-tete_, and a _tete-a-tete_ between two persons but slightly
acquainted with each other requires a considerable amount of tact and
_savoir vivre_ to be sustained with ease and self-possession. A fussy
woman is without repose, without dignity, and without _savoir vivre_.
A hostess betrays that she is not much accustomed to society when she
attempts to amuse her visitor by the production of albums, photographs,
books, illustrated newspapers, portfolios of drawings, the artistic
efforts of the members of the family, and the like; conversation being
all that is necessary, without having recourse to pictorial displays.
If not intimate enough to refer to family matters, the conversation
should turn on light topics of the hour.[2]
People unused to society are apt to fall back upon the above
adventitious aids. A hostess should rely solely upon her own powers of
conversation to make the short quarter of an hour--which is the limit of
a ceremonious call--pass pleasantly to her visitor. The hostess should
not offer her visitor any refreshments, wine and cake, for instance. No
refreshments whatever, save tea, should be offered to morning visitors;
they are not supposed to require them.
In the country it is customary to offer sherry to gentlemen callers, and
to order tea for the ladies, even though the call is made rather early
in the afternoon, and a little before the hour for having tea.
Ceremonious visits are usually paid before the hour of half-past four;
but if tea is brought in while the visitor is in the drawing-room, or if
the visitor calls while the hostess is having tea, she should naturally
offer her visitor tea.
When the mistress of the house only expects a few callers, "tea" is
placed on a small table--a silver tray being generally used for the
purpose. The hostess should pour out the tea herself; when a gentleman
is present, he should hand the cups to the visitors or visitor,
otherwise the hostess should herself do so, and then hand the sugar and
cream, without asking whether her visitors will have either, unless she
is preparing the cups of tea herself, in which case she should ask the
question.
When a second visitor arrives, ten or fifteen minutes after the first
visitor, the first visitor should take her leave as soon as she
conveniently can. When the second visitor is a lady, the hostess should
rise and shake hands with her, and then seat herself; the first visitor,
if a lady, should not rise; if a gentleman, he should do so.
A hostess should also rise and come forward when a gentleman is
announced; this gives her an opportunity of talking to him for a few
moments on his first entering the room. The second visitor should at
once seat him or herself near to the hostess.
She should introduce the callers to each other unless she has some
especial reason for not doing so. She could, however, in the course of
conversation merely mention the name of each caller, so that each may
become aware of the name of the other. This is now often done when
formal introductions are not made. If the hostess possesses tact, and a
facility and readiness of speech, she should skilfully draw both callers
into the conversation (a subject which is fully enlarged upon in "The
Art of Conversing"). The hostess should not take this latter course
unless aware that the two visitors would be likely to appreciate each
other.
When one visitor arrives immediately after the other, the hostess should
converse equally with both visitors, and the lady who was the first to
arrive should be the first to leave, after a call of from ten to fifteen
minutes. When only one visitor is present the hostess should accompany
her to the door of the drawing-room, and linger for a few moments,
whilst the visitor is descending the stairs. To do so would not be
imperative, but it would be courteous. When the host is present he
should accompany the lady downstairs into the hall; this also is an
optional civility, and greatly depends upon the estimation in which the
lady is held by host and hostess.
When two visitors are present the hostess should rise and shake hands
with the departing visitor; but unless a person of greater consideration
than the visitor who still remained seated, she should not accompany her
to the drawing-room door.
One visitor should not rise from her seat when another is about to take
her leave. When visitors are acquainted with each other they should rise
and shake hands. When one of the visitors is a gentleman he should rise,
even if unacquainted with the lady who is about to take her leave; he
should not remain seated when the hostess is standing.
When two visitors, either two ladies or two gentlemen, have slightly
conversed with each other during a morning call, they should not shake
hands with each other on leaving, but should merely bow. When they have
not spoken to each other, they should not bow.
When they have been formally introduced they should still only bow,
unless the acquaintance has progressed into sudden intimacy through
previous knowledge of each other.
When one of the visitors present is a gentleman he should open the
drawing-room door for the departing visitor, but he should not accompany
her downstairs unless requested by the hostess to do so; the visitor
should bow to him and thank him, but not shake hands with him.
When the hostess has shaken hands with a guest, and before crossing the
room with her, she should ring the drawing-room bell, that the servant
may be in readiness in the hall to open the door. She should ring the
bell even if the host were accompanying the lady downstairs. It would be
thoughtless on the part of the hostess to forget to ring the bell to
give notice to the servant that a visitor was leaving.
In the country, the caller before rising to depart sometimes asks if she
may ring for her motor-car to come round. When the hostess is in reach
of the bell, she should ring it for her; when a gentleman is present, he
should do so. On the servant's entrance, the caller should say, "My
motor-car, please!"
When a lady is calling on a friend, the guest of some one with whom she
herself is unacquainted, or even but slightly acquainted, she should in
both cases ask if her friend is at home, and not if the mistress of the
house is at home; and having paid her visit, on leaving the house she
should leave cards for its mistress if she is slightly acquainted with
her, but should not do so if she is unacquainted with her.
When a lady has a guest staying on a visit to her, if convenient, she
should, when her guest expected visitors, absent herself from the
drawing-room at that particular time, unless the expected visitors are
mutual friends of herself and guest.
If she is in the drawing-room with her guests when a visitor is
announced so as to render an introduction inevitable, a formal
introduction should be made, but the mistress of the house, after a very
few minutes, should make some excuse, quietly leave the room, and not
return until after the departure of the visitor. It would be
inconsiderate were the mistress of the house to remain in the
drawing-room while calls were paid to her guest by strangers to herself
unless at her guest's particular request. When a visitor is a gentleman,
and the guest a young unmarried lady, the mistress of the house should
remain in the drawing-room to chaperon her.
When the mistress of the house is desirous of making the acquaintance of
any particular friend of her guest, from whom she expected a visit, when
the visit occurs and previous to the visitor taking her leave, the guest
should ask if she will allow her to introduce her to the lady with whom
she is staying. If her visitor desires the introduction, she should then
ring and request the servant to tell his mistress that Mrs. A. is in the
drawing-room, which message the hostess would understand to mean that
her presence is desired, and the introduction would then be made on her
appearing. An introduction, if made in this manner, could become the
basis of a future acquaintance, both ladies having had the option of
refusing the acquaintance of the other if so disposed; whereas a forced
introduction where no option is given would hardly count as the basis of
a future acquaintance unless the ladies thus introduced mutually
appreciated each other.
In the country a guest seldom has friends and acquaintances in the
neighbourhood, who are unknown to her hostess; if otherwise, the
hostess should give her guest the opportunity of seeing her visitor by
leaving them together when the call is made.
When a guest is present when the mistress of a house is receiving
callers, she should introduce them to her guest or her guest to them,
according to the rank of either (see Chapter II.).
When a lady is driving with a friend who is a stranger to the
acquaintance on whom she is calling, she should not take her into the
house with her while she makes her call, unless she is a young lady, or
unless there is some especial reason for introducing the two ladies to
each other, or unless both ladies have expressed a wish to become
acquainted with each other. Husbands and wives occasionally pay calls
together, but oftener they do not. A lady, as a rule, pays a call by
herself, unless she has a grown-up daughter, when she should accompany
her mother.
Occasionally two ladies, both intimate with the lady of the house, pay
their calls together. A family party, of father and mother and daughter,
or daughters, rarely call in town together, save under very exceptional
circumstances; but in the country a family party of three or four would,
as a matter of course, call together; it is country etiquette to do so.
A considerable difference exists with regard to "Sunday calls," or
calling on Sundays. Ladies should not pay ceremonious calls on Sundays;
it would not be etiquette for an acquaintance to call on a Sunday, it
would rather be considered a liberty, unless she were expressly asked to
do so. Intimate friends, on the contrary, often make Sunday a special
day for calling, and therefore, ladies and gentlemen--more especially
gentlemen--extend their calling hours from three until six o'clock on
Sundays.
When a lady is acquainted with the daughters of a family only, and not
with their father or mother, she should call on the daughters, who
should at once introduce her to their mother on the next occasion of
calling. If the mother is not present, the lady calling should leave
cards for her; and at all morning calls, when the daughters of the house
receive a ceremonious visit from an acquaintance, in the absence of
their mother, whether from indisposition or any other cause, cards
should be left for her in the hall before leaving by the lady calling
(see Chapter III.).
In all cases, when "morning calls" are made, and the lady called on is
not at home, cards should be left according to the etiquette described
in Chapter II., an etiquette which should be strictly observed; when the
lady called on is "at home," cards should be left for the gentlemen of
the family, according to the same rules of card-leaving, which cannot be
too punctiliously followed.
A mistress of a house should inform her servant after or before
luncheon, or before the hours for calling, whether she intends to be "at
home" to visitors or not during the afternoon.
"Not at home" is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see
visitors.
"Not at home" is not intended to imply an untruth, but rather to signify
that for some reason, or reasons, it is not desirable to see visitors;
and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaintances the why and
the wherefore of its being inconvenient to receive visitors, the formula
of "Not at home" is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a
servant is able to give a direct answer at once of "Not at home" when
the query is put to him. If a servant is not sure as to whether his
mistress wishes to see visitors or not, it is almost a direct offence to
the lady calling if he hesitates as to his answer, and leaves her either
sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall, while "He will see if
his mistress is 'at home,'" perhaps returning with the unsatisfactory
answer that she is "Not at home"; in which case the intimation is almost
received as a personal exclusion rather than as a general exclusion of
visitors.
If a lady is dressing to go out when a visitor calls, the servant can
mention that fact to a visitor calling, and offer to ascertain if his
mistress will see the caller; and the caller should use her own
discretion as to whether she will allow him to do so or not; but unless
the visit is one of importance, it would be best in such a case only to
leave cards.
When a second visitor calls, a servant should not be permitted to say
that his mistress is "engaged with a lady," or "with a gentleman," but
should usher the second caller into the drawing-room, as he has
previously done the first caller. He should not inquire as to whether
his mistress will see the second caller or not. Neither should he inform
the second caller as to whether any one is or is not with his mistress,
as ignorant servants are too apt to do.
It is not usual to offer coffee at afternoon tea; tea only is given. To
offer coffee is a foreign fashion, and not an English one.
"Morning" callers should not be conducted to the dining-room to have
tea; and tea is only served in the dining-room on the occasion of a
large afternoon tea, or afternoon "at home," etc. (See chapter on
"Afternoon 'At Homes,'" p. 151.)
The tea hour varies from 4 to 4.30 o'clock. When callers are present at
4 o'clock, tea should be brought in at that hour. It should be placed
upon a small table, which is first covered with a white linen or damask
tea-cloth. The tea-tray should be large enough to hold, in addition to
the china, silver teapot, etc., an urn for hot water, which should be
brought in and placed upon it. A stand containing hot cakes, an uncut
cake, small cakes, tiny sandwiches, and thin bread-and-butter should be
placed near to the tea-table. Tiny tea-plates should be placed in a pile
upon the tea-tray, they being in general use. The hostess or her
daughter should pour out the tea.
Apart from the foregoing style of afternoon tea is the newer fashion of
what might be termed "a round-table tea," at which hostess and guests
sit, but this style is more usual at country houses than in town houses
at present, on account of the space required, if for no other reason.
The tea is served in a smaller drawing-room, upon a large round or oval
table, which is covered with a white table-cloth, upon which the
tea-tray with all its contents is placed. Cakes, hot and cold,
sandwiches, pastry, fruit, jam, bread-and-butter, biscuits, dry toast,
etc., are given, and the visitors seated at the table help themselves to
what they require. The hostess pours out the tea and hands the cups as
when guests are not seated in this way. Dessert plates and dessert
knives and forks should be placed on the table beside the small
tea-plates, to be taken as required.
FOOTNOTES:
[2] See work entitled "The Art of Conversing."