under the sun,” also “_a time to lose and a time to cast
away_.”—Ecclesiastes, chap. 1, verse 1-6: it seems clear to me there
must be a time for bumblepuppy.
Some people deny this, they say that the argument proves too much; they
point out that Shakespeare says there are
“Tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in everything.”
and that as this could not apply to bumblepuppy, these passages only
show that it was unknown when they were written.
Another argument of theirs against the antiquity of bumblepuppy,
based on the passage “in all labour there is profit,” is altogether
fallacious and unworthy of consideration; they admit the labour but
deny the profit. This must have had its origin east of Temple Bar,
where it is held there is no profit unless it assumes a pecuniary form.
But the repressing your innate tendency to profane swearing, curbing
your evil passions generally, and the cultivation—under considerable
difficulties—of nearly all the cardinal virtues, as inuring to your
moral well-being, are a profit of the most positive kind;[61] to be
able to give a definite answer to the long-standing conundrum “is life
worth living?” is something.
However, you can draw your own conclusion, the extract from Shakespeare
is—I confess—difficult to get over, still, when Solomon makes use of
these remarkable words “a time to lose and a time to cast away,” I fail
to see what he could have had in his mind, unless it was this very game.
At any rate one thing is clear, bumblepuppy exists now, and is not a
pretty game (there can be no two opinions about that); neither—judging
from the demeanour and language of its exponents—is it a pleasant
game. I append a hand, which is, I think, the finest specimen of it I
ever saw. Judge for yourself. I had jotted down a few further remarks
on this repulsive subject, but on reading them over, they seem to be
not only inconsistent with that extreme reverence which is due to the
young, but absolutely unfit for publication.
“Quod factu fœdum est, idem est et dictu turpe.”
R. I. P.
The two games are now before you, let me conclude the lecture with one
more extract from my favourite classic.
Utrum horum mavis accipe.
* * * * *
SPECIMEN OF BUMBLEPUPPY IN EXCELSIS.
“Here’s a pretty state of things! Here’s a how-de-do!”
Score love all. Trumps diamond 9. Z is a bumblepuppist with the highest
opinion of himself.
A. Y. B. Z.
1 H5 ~H6~ H2 H4
2 D2 D5 D4 ~DK~!
3 S3 SK ~SA~ S4!!
4 S7 SJ S2 ~SQ~
5 D8 ~D10~ S10 S9!!!
6 D3 D7 D6 ~DQ~!!!!
7 C3 DJ ~DA~ D9!!!!!
8 C4 H8 ~S8~ C2
9 C6 C8 ~S6~ C9
10 C7 HQ ~S5~ CJ
11 H10 ~HA~ H3 H9
12 H8 ~CA~ C5 CK
13 HJ ~CQ~ C10 HK
This is the worst hand ever played, without exception; it is a
microcosm, complete in itself, and contains examples of stupidity,
selfishness, duplicity, defiance of all recognized principles, and
every conceivable villainy.
Trick 2.—The misplaced ingenuity in deceiving Y as to the position of
the Qn is worth notice.
Trick 3.—The lead of the only weak suit, in preference to the strong
suit of clubs, playing up to declared weakness in hearts, or returning
the trump is very neat.
Trick 5.—The force here of the trump leader, inducing him to believe
that Z at any rate holds the remaining spades, an illusion carefully
fostered by B, is especially good.
Trick 7.—The return of the trump at this point with the best trump
(probably) and three long spades (certainly) declared against him in
one hand, is a real gem.
[Illustration]
THE DOMESTIC RUBBER.
“Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool nowhere but in his own house.”—_Shakespeare._
A third variety of whist, the domestic rubber, I have passed over in
silence; what takes place in the sanctity of private life it would be
as unbecoming for me to divulge as for you to seek to know;
“O’er all its faults we draw a tender veil,
So great its sorrows and so sad its tale.”
At the same time I don’t think I am violating any confidence in stating
that you will find there neither signalling, nor the penultimate of
five and its developments: yet, though free from these annoyances,
the game, even when mitigated by muffins, music, and the humanizing
influence of woman is inexpressibly dreary, and you had better keep out
of it if you can; but should this not be practicable,—for some relative
from whom you have a reasonable expectation of a tip may be staying in
the house, and you may be compelled to sacrifice yourself either on
the altar of duty or of self-interest—then never forget that sweetness
of temper is much more important here than knowledge of Whist, and
consoling yourself with the following two reflections:
(1) That (according to Epicurus) prolonged pain is pleasant rather than
otherwise, extreme pain always short;[62]
(2) That those whom the gods love die young; when your hour arrives,
bare your throat to the knife with a smile.
So shall your memory smell sweet and blossom in domestic circles.
DOUBLE DUMMY.
Double dummy is not Whist, nor anything like it, it much more closely
resembles chess; one is a game of inference, the other is an exact
science, where the position of every card is known.
Often, in the course of a controversy on Whist, you will hear one of
the disputants challenging the other to play double dummy, imagining
that he has clenched the matter; it would be quite as germane to
suggest trial by battle, or to move an adjournment to a good dry
skittle alley.
“The bearings of these observations lays in the application of them.
That an’t no part of my duty. Avast then, keep a bright look out
for’ard, and good luck to you.”
[Illustration]
FOOTNOTES:
[58] “The game is not the simple straightforward game it was, it is
more erratic and more difficult.”
“Whist is more and more, and year by year, a game of brag, a game
for gambling, a game in which we have to study the idiosyncrasies of
the players as well as the cards themselves. We have to deduce from
imperfect data, and when our inference is wrong we have a great chance
of a scolding from an infuriated partner.”
“Modern whist in a nutshell—signs and signals and a short supply of
brains.”—_Westminster Papers._
“We are by no means peculiar in the opinion that signals and the
so-called developments are destroying whist.”—_Cornhill Magazine._
“Whist, as a game, is in a fair way of being ruined.”—_Knowledge._
[59] “Let players, if they wish to play a decent game, and avoid a
mischievous and annoying practice, give up the privilege accorded by
Law 91.”—_Home Whist._
[60] “This refuge against boredom has fallen through. Seeing an article
on suspended animation in the _Contemporary Review_ for November 1879,
I pounced upon it, thinking it might contain the recipe, and found to
my disgust that the process, so circumstantially narrated, was a hoax.”
[61] “While practising these virtues you are not obliged to look
pleasant unless you feel so—this would be dissimulation. Heine’s plan
fulfils all reasonable requirements.
Once I said in my despairing,
This must break my spirit now,
But I bore it and am bearing,
Only do not ask me how.”
[62] He is right to some extent; the domestic rubber always closes
early.
EPILOGUE I.
——
AS my present aim is confined to purveying food for babes in an
elementary and easily assimilable form, and to calling your attention
to Law 91, any lengthened disquisition on the more recent conventions
would be out of place.
More competent critics than myself flatly deny that they are food for
anybody, and have denounced them, lock, stock, and barrel, in _The
Field_, _Longman’s_, _Cornhill_, _Knowledge_, _Whist_, and numerous
daily and weekly papers.
Having given my opinion elsewhere, I would merely remark that though,
in your allotted span of three-score years and ten—after deducting a
reasonable time for rest and refreshment, say eight hours a day—you may
possibly master such an intricate absurdity as the plain suit echo,
that result is highly improbable, and most assuredly not worth the
trouble.
Still, though the thanes have revolted, they are not immortal, and must
shortly join the great men who have gone before; the future is in your
hands, and if you wish Whist to endure you must bestir yourselves at
once; there is no time to lose. “The times have been, that when the
brains were out, the man would die;” those times may return at any
moment and where will the modern game be then?
Already its authors have provided you with the following dogmata:—
_the lead of uniformity;_
_the discard of uniformity;_
_the suit of uniformity;_
all three of them rooted in error—a melancholy tripod to hang the fine
old game upon, with a strong family likeness to the Manx emblem, three
legs all abroad and no head-piece—if you give these iconoclasts a
little more rope, they have only to formulate _the hand of uniformity_,
and the _corpus_ or rather the _cadaver_ of Whist will be complete.
[Illustration]
EPILOGUE II.
——
SOME readers of these lectures have complained that it is often
difficult to discriminate when they are serious and when they “attempt
to be funny,” and have suggested that the attempts should be indicated
clearly by a note, thus [Illustration] “this is a goak”!—and the
remainder printed in red ink. While fully recognizing their difficulty
and sympathizing with them, I am unable to entertain either proposal;
the first is an American innovation utterly at variance with the
conservative character of the work; and it is a fatal objection to
the other that if whatever is important were picked out in red, many
well-disposed children would at once rush to the natural—but highly
erroneous—conclusion, that they had got hold of a Prayer Book. Another
complaint, that my advice to Bumblepuppists is likely to lead them
further astray is beside the question, even assuming—for the sake of
this argument—such a thing to be possible; the point is whether I
have described “the game” correctly, and I am prepared to stake my
reputation as an experienced Bumblepuppy player, that I have done so
without manifesting fear, favour, or affection.
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Transcriber’s note:
Obvious punctuation errors were corrected. Sometimes the errors were
not able to be corrected as in a few opening quotes that never closed.
Page 27, “urbs” changed to “urbis” (upon it _urbis_)
Page 28, “lead” changed to “led” (is led, he occasionally)
Page 41, the citation “Cameron” was changed from small capitals to
italics to match the rest of the text’s layout. (—_Cavendish._)
Page 55, “suits” changed to “suit” (the suit is trumps)
Page 80, Footnote 45, repeated word “of” removed from text (one of the
next)
Page 109, “millenium” changed to “millennium” (like the millennium)
Page 109, “passsge” changed to “passage” (based on the passage)
Page 113, “at” changed to “At” (At the same time)