MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah, ah! Here's a new story! What's this, what's
this, husband, this outfit you have on there? Don't you care what
people think of you when you are got up like that? And do you want
yourself laughed at everywhere?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: None but fools and dolts will laugh at me wife.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Truly, they haven't waited until now, your antics
have long given a laugh to everyone.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Who's everyone, if you please?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Everyone is everyone who is right and who is wiser
than you. For my part, I am scandalized at the life you lead. I no
longer recognize our house. One would say it's the beginning of
Carnival here, every day; and beginning early in the morning, so it
won't be forgotten, one hears nothing but the racket of fiddles and
singers which disturbs the whole neighborhood.
NICOLE: Madame speaks well. I'll never be able to get my housework
done properly with that gang you have come here. They have feet
that hunt for mud in every part of town to bring it here; and poor
Franoise almost has her teeth on the floor, scrubbing the boards
that your fine masters come to dirty up every day.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What, our servant Nicole, you have quite a
tongue for a peasant.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Nicole is right, and she has more sense than you.
I'd like to know what you think you're going to do with a Dancing
Master, at your age?
NICOLE: And with a hulking Fencing Master who comes stamping his
feet, shaking the whole house and tearing up all the floorboards in
our drawing-room.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be quiet, both servant and wife!
MADAME JOURDAIN: Is it that you're learning to dance for the time
when you'll have no legs to dance on?
NICOLE: Do you want to kill someone?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Quiet, I tell you! You are ignorant women, both
of you, and you don't know the advantages of all this.
MADAME JOURDAIN: You should instead be thinking of marrying off
your daughter, who is of an age to be provided for.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll think of marrying off my daughter when a
suitable match comes along, but I also want to learn about fine
things.
NICOLE: I heard said, Madame, that today he took a Philosophy
Master to thicken the soup!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Very well. I have a wish to have wit and to
reason about things with decent people.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Don't you intend, one of these days, to go to
school and have yourself whipped at your age?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why not? Would to God I were whipped this minute
in front of everyone, if I only knew what they learn at school!
NICOLE: Yes, my faith! That would get you into better shape.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Without doubt.
MADAME JOURDAIN: All this is very important to the management of
your house.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Assuredly. You both talk like beasts, and I'm
ashamed of your ignorance. For example, do you know what are you
speaking just now?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, I know that what I'm saying is well said and
that you ought to be considering living in another way.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm not talking about that. I'm asking if you
know what the words are that you are saying here?
MADAME JOURDAIN: They are words that are very sensible, and your
conduct is scarcely so.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm not talking about that, I tell you. I'm
asking you: what is it that I'm speaking to you this minute, what
is it?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Nonsense.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no! That's not it. What is it we are both
saying, what language is it that we are speaking right now?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Well?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What is it called?
MADAME JOURDAIN: It's called whatever you want.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's prose, you ignorant creature.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Prose?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, prose. Everything is prose that is not
verse; and everything that's not verse is prose. There! This is
what it is to study! And you (to Nicole), do you know what you must
do to say U?
NICOLE: What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Say U, in order to see.
NICOLE: Oh Well, U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What do you do?
NICOLE: I say U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but, when you say U, what do you do?
NICOLE: I do what you tell me to.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh, how strange it is to have to deal with
morons! You thrust your lips out and bring your lower jaw to your
upper jaw: U, see? U. Do you see? I make a pout: U.
NICOLE: Yes, that's beautiful.
MADAME JOURDAIN: How admirable.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But it's quite another thing, if you have seen
O, and D, D, and F, F.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What is all this rigmarole?
NICOLE: What does all this do for us?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It enrages me when I see these ignorant women.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Go, go, you ought to send all those people packing
with their foolishness.
NICOLE: And above all, that great gawk of a Fencing Master, who
ruins all my work with dust.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! This Fencing Master seems to get under
your skin. I'll soon show you how impertinent you are.(He has the
foils brought and gives one to Nicole). There. Demonstration: The
line of the body. When your opponent thrusts in quarte, you need
only do this, and when they thrust in tierce, you need only do
this. That is the way never to be killed, and isn't it fine to be
assured of what one does, when fighting against someone? There,
thrust at me a little, to see.
NICOLE: Well then, what? (Nicole thrusts, giving him several
hits).
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Easy! Wait! Oh! Gently! Devil take the hussy!
NICOLE: You told me to thrust.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but you thrust in tierce, before you thrust
in quarte, and you didn't have the patience to let me parry.
MADAME JOURDAIN: You are a fool, husband, with all your fantasies,
and this has come to you since you took a notion to associate with
the nobility.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: When I associate with the nobility, I show my
good judgment; and that's better than associating with your
shopkeepers.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Oh yes, truly! There's a great deal to gain by
consorting with your nobles, and you did so well with your fine
Count you were so taken with!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Peace! Think what you're saying. You know very
well, wife, that you don't know who you're talking about, when you
talk about him! He's a more important person than you think: a
great Lord, respected at court, and who talks to the King just as I
talk to you. Is it not a thing which does me great honor, that a
person of this quality is seen to come so often to my house, who
calls me his dear friend and treats me as if I were his equal? He
has more regard for me than one would ever imagine; and, in front
of everyone, he shows me so much affection that I am embarrassed
myself.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, he has a kindness for you, and shows his
affection, but he borrows your money.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: So! Isn't it an honor for me to lend money to a
man of that condition? And can I do less for a lord who calls me
his dear friend?
MADAME JOURDAIN: And this lord, what does he do for you?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Things that would astonish you if you knew
them.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Like what?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Blast! I cannot explain myself. It must suffice
that if I have lent him money, he'll pay it back fully, and before
long.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes. You are waiting for that.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Assuredly. Didn't he tell me so?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, yes, he won't fail to do it.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He swore it on the faith of a gentleman.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Nonsense!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! You are very obstinate, wife. I tell you
he will keep his word, I'm sure of it.
MADAME JOURDAIN: And I'm sure he will not, and that all his show of
affection is only to flatter you.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be still. Here he is.
MADAME JOURDAIN: That's all we needed! He's come again perhaps to
borrow something from you. The very sight of him spoils my
appetite.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be still, I tell you.
ACT THREE