[SCENE--_Spring Gardens._ _Enter Algy_, L.H., _meeting Frankie as he
strolls in_, R.H.]
_Algy._ Hallo, old boy! (_Greeting_) I've just had my house papered and
painted inside and out.
_Frankie._ Indeed! And--er--(_struck by the novelty_) what sort of
paper did you have put _outside_?
[_Exit Algy_, R.H., _and Frankie_, L.H. _Scene closes._
* * * * *
ANSWER TO MARY ANNE.--The needle-gun is not threaded with gun-cotton.
[Illustration: _She (to clumsy steerer)._ "Rather like progressive
bridge, isn't it?" _He._ "Why?" _She._ "Well, you see, you run up
against everyone in the room before you've done."
[Illustration: ROMANCE OF THE KITCHEN
_Cook (from the area)._ "O, 'Liza, gi' me my winigrette--I've 'ad
a--offer--from the _dustman_!!"]
[Illustration: THE CONVALESCENT
_New Curate (tenderly)._ "My good man, what induced you to send for me?"
_Oldest Inhabitant._ "What does he say, Betty?"
_Betty._ "Says what the deuce did you send for him, for!!"]
[Illustration: THE MEREST ACCIDENT.--_She._ "So you failed in your
_vivâ voce_ exam.?" _He._ "Yes; but it was purely from absence of
mind."]
[Illustration: "O NOBLE FOOL! O WORTHY FOOL!"
_Uncle (to nephew, who has just come into a fortune)._ "You must
remember, my boy, that 'a fool and his money are soon parted'!"
_Fair Cousin._ "Oh, but I'm sure Sammy will be the _exception that
proves the rule_!" [_Sammy is delighted._]
[Illustration: PERNICIOUS PRAISE.--_Mr. Ranty Snobbarts (holding
forth)._ "By Jove, I'm awfully keen on huntin'. Ain't you, what?"
_Horrid Boy._ "Yes, by Jove, he _is_ keen. Why, when he wasn't huntin'
the fox, he was huntin' his horse!"]
[Illustration: DUTY FIRST.--_Her Ladyship (who is giving a servants'
ball--to butler)._ "We shall begin with a square dance, and I shall
want you, Wilkins, to be my partner." _Wilkins._ "Certainly my lady;
and afterwards I presoom we may dance with 'oom we like?"]
[Illustration: _Maid._ "There's a much better tone in this house now,
m'm, than there used to be." _Lady (indignantly)._ "Indeed! I don't
understand you Chalmers." _Maid._ "Oh, m'm, I mean downstairs, of
course. Not upstairs."
[Illustration: THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED
DIFFERENTLY.--_Uncle George._ "So glad you are so much better, Amy, my
dear." _Amy._ "Yes, thank you, Uncle George. Since Dr. Pillum took me
in hand my recovery has been _simply miraculous_!"]
[Illustration: _Applicant (for situation as parlour-maid)._ "Should I
be expected to hand things at lunch, madam, _or do you stretch_?"]
[Illustration: _Lady Caller (to old family servant)._ "Well, Bridget,
did Master Arthur shoot any tigers in India?"
_Bridget._ "Of coorse he did. Shure we have the horns of the craythurs
hung in the hall!"]