What is the reason of Idalia’s playing so very poorly to-day? She
writhes and twists herself to and fro at the piano, with more than
sensual affectation; she suddenly and convulsively coils and uncoils
herself like a snake, during the more brilliant passages: and she goes
on playing interminably, from dusk till far, far into the deep, dark,
never-ending night.
And why is she doing so, this day of all others, when all my strength to
bear it has left me?
The longing, the pain I feel, is stifling, is strangling me: it bites at
my throat, and I shudder to feel it cling round my feet like ivy,
together with the thought of my blighted joys.
These I see lying on heaps of tropical flowers—lying in long rows,
naked, asleep, and beautiful as dreams of what is past forever.... Over
them there blows a gentle breeze, scattering the flower-petals upon
their fairy-like forms; but it does not wake them from slumber. Only,
from time to time, do their long black eye-lashes open and shut, slowly
and rhythmically, as the silken wings of a fluttering butterfly. They
are dreaming of their delights.
Say, O say! why does all this give me such infinite pain?
And then there always come to me haunting visions, which are my
childhood! A dark outline of forest-trees; a perspective fading into
infinite, infinite distance, and the clear waters wherein life lay
hidden once upon a time. The vision stands, I know not how, for the
times of my childhood. Music always renders concrete even the most
abstract of things.
Something is tearing my soul; it is the impossibility of any delusion
about....
Ah, do not, do not bite thus at my throat!... I cannot weep!... And do
not make the sharp-edged music of the violin soft by the dark velvet
touch of your smooth hand!... And do not, do not press my bosom so; my
heart will burst!... And do not hug my body with that tender embrace,
that Lesbian caress!... Nor twine like ivy round my feet, uttering that
awful moan for blighted joys!...
Witold, O Witold! behold, I return to you! O sleep, O life! Yes, I
return....