A nice young man called on a nice young lady and spent the evening
recently. When he arrived there was not a cloud in the sky, so he carried
no umbrella and wore no goloshes nor mackintosh. At 10:00 o’clock when he
arose to go, it was raining pitchforks and grindstones.
“My, my, my!” said the nice young lady, “if you go out in this storm you
will catch your death of cold.”
“I’m afraid I might,” was the trembling answer.
“Well, I’ll tell you what—stay all night; you can have Tom’s room, as he
is visiting uncle and aunt up in the country. Yes, occupy Tom’s room.
Excuse me a minute, and I’ll just run up and see if it’s in order.”
The young lady fled gracefully upstairs to see if any tidying was
necessary. In five minutes she came down to announce that the room was in
readiness, but no Charles was in sight. In a very few minutes, however,
he appeared, dripping wet and out of breath from running and with a
bundle in a newspaper under his arm.
The nice young lady greeted him with: “Why, Charles, where have you been?”
“Been home after my night shirt,” was his reply, as he hung his hat up to
drip.
* * * * *
That train smokes a lot.
Yes, and choos, too.
_Questions and Answers_
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the Goozes Pimple Glide dance?—=_Washer
Iggle_=.
This is done in the following manner: While stepping on the ballroom
floor with your partner keep time with the music by stroking her bare arm
with the front and back (alternately) of your hand.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is meant by “A man ahead of the time?”—=_V.
Havan Oisteh._=
The fellow who carries his watch in his hip pocket.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—While crossing from Key West to Havana on one of the
gin rickey boats I noticed a streak of oil on the water. Could you tell
me what that was from?—=_S. Lopp Boal._=
Oh, that’s where the road went across the ice last winter.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain_=—We are going to give a cleaning-shower for a
bride-to-be. Can you suggest an appropriate gift?—=_Mid Riff._=
A bath mitt.
* * * * *
=_Dear Cap’n_=—I am giving a home-brew party to some jolly boys and
girls. What is the proper hour to have the musicians play “Home Sweet
Home?”—=_Roll Myowne._=
Just before half pash stew.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain_=—I am alone a great deal at night and am afraid. Can you
suggest some kind of protection?—=_Belle R. Peeling._=
Take the bark of a dogwood tree and leave it outside your bedroom door.
* * * * *
=_Dear Cap._=—Can you suggest some inexpensive amusement that I might
indulge in when my husband is away?—=_Dottie._=
Take a bath and then spend half an hour or so playfully trying to locate
the soap.
* * * * *
=_Dear Cap’n Billy_=—I have just purchased several new gowns and no one
seems to notice them. What can I do?—=_Ophelia Bumpus._=
Try standing on a street corner with a tin cup in your hand and wear a
sign “I am dumb.”
* * * * *
=_Dear Cap. Billy_=—How can I cure my husband’s hiccups?—=_Ada Banana._=
Don’t try. It is a mark of distinction.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain_=—When my husband takes me to a dance he prefers to jazz
with all the girls except me. What can I do?—=_Gladys Swetz._=
Make him wear shoulder braces.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—In all your travels, where did you receive the most
hospitality?—=_Al Hambra._=
It was when in California. A gentleman called me into his room, handed me
a goblet in one hand and a demijohn in the other and turned his back.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—My dearest boy friend jilted me and now refuses to
marry me. Please give me your best dope.—=_Sally Patica._=
Dear Sally—Always hate him and bring your children up the same way.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I am fondly in love with a young girl in our town,
but also have strong sympathies for a dashing grass widow of thirty. My
age, too, is thirty, and I would like your advice as to whom I should
consider seriously.—=_Gloomy Gus._=
Always deal with an old established firm, young man.
* * * * *