MR. PRONOUN.
[Illustration: Allow me to go instead of you--Mr. Noun, it will save
trouble
NOUNS
MR. PRONOUN SPEAKS]
When the court next assembled, the Judge read aloud all the nouns and
articles on the lists, casting a stern glance at little Article at each
_a_, _an_, or _the_ that he came to, in order to show that they were
put in as a punishment for Article’s impudent behaviour the day before.
Poor little Article said nothing, and no one having objected to any of
the words, the Judge said: “Mr. Noun and Article, since no one finds
fault with the words that you claim, I declare them to be lawfully
yours. Now, stand aside, and let Mr. Pronoun come forward.”
At these words Mr. Pronoun stood before the Judge. He is something like
Mr. Noun, only he is thinner, and looks as if he worked harder.
“Mr. Pronoun?” said Serjeant Parsing, standing up to begin his
questioning.
Mr. Pronoun bowed.
“Why are you called Pronoun, sir, and what words do you possess?”
“I am called Pronoun, because I often do the work for my rich
neighbour, Mr. Noun. _Pro_ means _instead of_, so _pronoun_ means
_instead of noun_, and my words are called _pronouns_ because they
stand _instead of nouns_. Mr. Noun, though he is so rich, does not like
to have his words used over and over again--he says it wears them out;
so to save trouble I put in _my_ little words, which do just as well.”
“And you are not afraid of _your_ words being worn out?” asked the
Judge.
“O dear no! my lord,” answered Pronoun. “I think my words are like the
iron rails on the railway--the more they are used the brighter they
look; it is only the idle ones that get rusty and spoilt. And it is not
many of _my_ words that get rusty, I can tell you, my lord. Serjeant
Parsing knows how he was one day trying to make sense of Dr. Faustus
without me, and what a muddle he made of it. If he will kindly repeat
it now, I will show you.”
So Serjeant Parsing said:--
Dr. Faustus was a good man;
Dr. Faustus whipped Dr. Faustus’s scholars now and then
When Dr. Faustus whipped the scholars Dr. Faustus made the
scholars dance
Out of England into France.
“There!” said Pronoun. “Let any one try to sing that, and he will
find how awkward it is. Now, if you will use my little _he_ or _his_,
instead of saying Dr. Faustus so often, and put _them_ instead of
scholars, it will sound much better. Just listen. Please, Mr. Parsing,
say it again, and I will come in when I am wanted.”
So Serjeant Parsing said: “Dr. Faustus was a good man.”
“_He_ whipped _his_,” shouted Pronoun.
“He whipped his scholars now and then. When----”
“_He_ whipped _them_,” shouted Pronoun.
“When he whipped them,” continued Serjeant Parsing.
“_He_ made _them_ dance,” cried Pronoun.
“When he whipped them he made them dance,” repeated Serjeant Parsing,
“out of England into France.”
“Ah,” said the Judge, “yes! It is certainly better so. Mr. Noun’s words
are not used so often, and all parties are pleased. Then _he_, _his_,
and _them_, are pronouns, as they stand instead of nouns. Now tell us
what other words you have, Mr. Pronoun.”
“First of all, my lord, I have words which are used instead of the
names of people when they are talking of themselves, such as _I_ or
_me_, _we_ or _us_. When a person is speaking of himself he does not
name his own name, but says instead, _I_ or _me_. Except, indeed, very
little children, who say, ‘Baby wants more,’ or, ‘Give baby milk.’
Reasonable persons say, ‘_I_ want more,’ ‘Give _me_ some milk.’”
“The Queen says _we_ in speaking of herself,” remarked the Judge.
“Yes, my lord,” said Pronoun, “the Queen is of course allowed to use
_we_ or _us_ when she means only herself; but other people do not use
_we_ or _us_ unless they mean more than one person.”
“Then _I_ or _me_, _we_ or _us_, are the pronouns used instead of
the names of people speaking of themselves, are they, Mr. Pronoun?”
inquired Serjeant Parsing.
“Certainly,” replied Pronoun: “and the words used instead of the names
of persons you are _speaking to_ are _thou_, or _thee_, and _you_. When
I am speaking to you, Mr. Parsing, I say, I tell _you_; I do not say, I
tell Serjeant Parsing.”
“Quite so,” answered Serjeant Parsing; “but why do you not say, I tell
_thee_.”
“Why, the fact is,” replied Mr. Pronoun, “that _thou_ and _thee_ really
stand for one person only, and _you_ stands for more than one. But long
ago people took it into their heads to fancy that it would be _very_
polite to talk to one person as if he were at least as good as two.
It is a very vulgar thing to be only one person, but to be two people
rolled into one would be very grand indeed. So when a man was talking
to a grand neighbour he called him _you_ instead of _thou_, and the
grand neighbour was so much pleased that it came to be the fashion to
say _you_ to every one, and my poor little _thou_ and _thee_ were quite
set aside.”
“And are they never used now?” said Serjeant Parsing.
“O yes, they are used,” said Mr. Pronoun; “but as people neglected them
in former days, I won’t have them used in common now. _You_ is quite
good enough for everyday talk.”
“Well,” said Serjeant Parsing, “you have shown that _I_ or _me_, _we_
or _us_, _thou_ or _thee_, and _you_, are all your words. Have you any
others?”
“Plenty more,” answered Pronoun. “I have _he_, _she_, _it_, and _they_,
to stand instead of persons or things you are talking about.
Tom took Maria on the ice;
_It_ broke, and _she_ fell in;
_He_ got a rope, and in a trice
_He_ pulled _her_ out again.
If _they_ had both been drowned, you know,
Folks would have said, “I told you so.”
“There _it_ stands for _ice_, and _she_ for _Maria_, and _he_ for
_Tom_, and _they_ for _Tom_ and _Maria_ together. So you see clearly
that _he_, _she_, _it_, and _they_ are pronouns.”
“I do not think any one could deny it,” said Serjeant Parsing. “Have
you any other words?”
“O yes, there are plenty more words that stand instead of nouns. _My_,
_thy_, _his_, _our_, _your_, _their_, which are used to show that
something belongs to the person these words stand instead of. Just as
instead of saying _Dr. Faustus’s_ scholars, we said _his_ scholars; and
as in speaking to you, my lord, I should not say Judge Grammar’s wig,
but _your_ wig.”
“You need not say anything about my wig,” said the Judge, rather
testily. “Mind your own words, sir, and tell us what others you have.”
“I have _who_ and _which_,” replied Pronoun. “Instead of saying, ‘I met
a man, the man had no eyes,’ you say, ‘I met a man _who_ had no eyes;’
so my little _who_ saves Mr. Noun’s man. Instead of saying, ‘I will
tell you a tale, a tale was told to me,’ you can say, ‘I will tell you
a tale _which_ was told to me;’ so _which_ stands instead of _tale_.”
“We understand,” said the Judge. “No more of your tales now, if you
please. You have no more words, I suppose?”
“Indeed I have, my lord. _This_ and _that_, _these_ and _those_, are
pronouns. For when you say, ‘Look at _this_,’ you mean a picture, or
a sum, or anything else that _this_ may happen to stand for; and when
you say, ‘Take _that_,’ _that_ stands for a halfpenny, or a kick,
or anything else you may be giving at the time. And if you sing to
a child--if your lordship ever does sing--which does not seem very
likely----”
“Mind your words, sir,” said the Judge, again. “If we sing what?”
“If you sing ‘_This_ is the way the lady goes,’ then _this_ stands for
the jogging up and down of my knee, the way the lady goes.”
“Really, Mr. Pronoun,” said the Judge, “you are very childish. The
Schoolroom-shire people are quite ashamed of you. We shall ask for no
more of your words to-day, for I suppose, after all, they are easy
enough to find out.”
“All words that stand instead of nouns belong to me,” said Pronoun;
“but they are not quite so easy to find out as you suppose. Those that
stand instead of persons, like _I_, _thou_, _he_, _we_, _you_, _they_,
any one can find out. I have told you about a good many others, and if
Serjeant Parsing wishes to discover the rest for himself----”
“He does, sir,” said the Judge, who was getting very tired and hungry.
“You may go. I will only ask you to assist our Schoolroom-shire
friends in making the following verses right. They read very queerly
at present; but if you can set them right, I think we shall agree that
what you have been saying of your words is true.”
The Judge then wished them all good-morning, and went to lunch off a
few pages of dictionary.
Here are the verses.
There was a man, the man had no eyes,
And the man went out to view the skies;
The man saw a tree with apples on,
The man took no apples off, and left no apples on.
Little Bo-peep has lost Bo-peep’s sheep,
And does not know where to find the sheep;
Leave the sheep alone till the sheep come home,
And bring the sheep’s tails behind the sheep.
Matilda dashed the spectacles away
To wipe Matilda’s tingling eyes;
And as in twenty bits the spectacles lay,
Matilda’s grandmamma Matilda spies.
[Illustration]