HE OVERLOOKS THE ADVANCES OF HIS FRIENDS, AND SMARTS SEVERELY FOR HIS
NEGLECT.
Steeled with this cautious maxim, he guarded himself from their united
endeavours, in sundry subsequent attacks, by which his first conjecture
was confirmed, and still came off conqueror, by virtue of his
unparalleled finesse and discretion; till at length they seemed to
despair of making him their prey, and the count began to drop some hints,
importing a desire of seeing him more closely united to the views and
interest of their triumvirate. But Ferdinand, who was altogether
selfish, and quite solitary in his prospects, discouraged all those
advances, being resolved to trade upon his own bottom only, and to avoid
all such connexions with any person or society whatever; much more, with
a set of raw adventurers whose talents he despised. With these
sentiments, he still maintained the dignity and reserve of his first
appearance among them, and rather enhanced than diminished that idea of
importance which he had inspired at the beginning; because, besides his
other qualifications, they gave him credit for the address with which he
kept himself superior to their united designs.
While he thus enjoyed his pre-eminence, together with the fruits of his
success at play, which he managed so discreetly as never to incur the
reputation of an adventurer, he one day chanced to be at the ordinary,
when the company was surprised by the entrance of such a figure as had
never appeared before in that place. This was no other than a person
habited in the exact uniform of an English jockey. His leathern cap, cut
bob, fustian frock, flannel waistcoat, buff breeches, hunting-boots and
whip, were sufficient of themselves to furnish out a phenomenon for the
admiration of all Paris. But these peculiarities were rendered still
more conspicuous by the behaviour of the man who owned them. When he
crossed the threshold of the outward door, he produced such a sound from
the smack of his whip, as equalled the explosion of an ordinary cohorn;
and then broke forth into the halloo of a foxhunter, which he uttered
with all its variations, in a strain of vociferation that seemed to
astonish and confound the whole assembly, to whom he introduced himself
and his spaniel, by exclaiming, in a tone something less melodious than
the cry of mackerel or live cod, "By your leave, gentlevolks, I hope
there's no offence, in an honest plain Englishman's coming with money in
his pocket, to taste a bit of your Vrench frigasee and ragooze."
This declaration was made in such a wild, fantastical manner, that the
greatest part of the company mistook him for some savage monster or
maniac, and consulted their safety by starting up from table, and drawing
their swords. The Englishman, seeing such a martial apparatus produced
against him, recoiled two or three steps, saying, "Waunds! a believe the
people are all bewitched. What, do they take me for a beast of prey? is
there nobody here that knows Sir Stentor Stile, or can speak to me in my
own lingo?" He had no sooner pronounced these words, than the baronet,
with marks of infinite surprise, ran towards him, crying, "Good Heaven!
Sir Stentor, who expected to meet with you in Paris?" Upon which, the
other eyeing him very earnestly, "Odds heartlikins!" cried he, "my
neighbour, Sir Giles Squirrel, as I am a living soul!" With these words
he flew upon him like a tiger, kissed him from ear to ear, demolished his
periwig, and disordered the whole economy of his dress, to the no small
entertainment of the company.
Having well-nigh stifled his countryman with embraces, and besmeared
himself with pulville from head to foot, he proceeded in this manner,
"Mercy upon thee, knight, thou art so transmographied, and bedaubed, and
bedizened, that thou mought rob thy own mother without fear of
information. Look ye here now, I will be trussed, if the very bitch that
was brought up in thy own bosom knows thee again. Hey, Sweetlips, here
hussy, d--n the tuoad, dos't n't know thy old measter? Ey, ey, thou
may'st smell till Christmas, I'll be bound to be hanged, knight, if the
creature's nose an't foundered by the d----d stinking perfumes you have
got among you."
These compliments being passed, the two knights sat down by one another,
and Sir Stentor being asked by his neighbour, upon what errand he had
crossed the sea, gave him to understand, that he had come to France, in
consequence of a wager with Squire Snaffle, who had laid a thousand
pounds, that he, Sir Stentor, would not travel to Paris by himself, and
for a whole month appear every day at a certain hour in the public walks,
without wearing any other dress than that in which he saw him. "The
fellor has got no more stuff in his pate," continued this polite
stranger, "than a jackass, to think I could not find my way hither thof I
could not jabber your French lingo. Ecod! the people of this country are
sharp enough to find out your meaning, when you want to spend anything
among them; and, as for the matter of dress, bodikins! for a thousand
pound, I would engage to live in the midst of them, and show myself
without any clothes at all. Odds heart! a true-born Englishman needs not
be ashamed to show his face, nor his backside neither, with the best
Frenchman that ever trod the ground. Thof we Englishmen don't beplaister
our doublets with gold and silver, I believe as how we have our pockets
better lined than most of our neighbours; and for all my bit of a fustian
frock, that cost me in all but forty shillings, I believe, between you
and me, knight, I have more dust in my fob, than all those powdered
sparks put together. But the worst of the matter is this; here is no
solid belly-timber in this country. One can't have a slice of delicate
sirloin, or nice buttock of beef, for love nor money. A pize upon them!
I could get no eatables upon the ruoad, but what they called bully, which
looks like the flesh of Pharaoh's lean kine stewed into rags and tatters;
and then their peajohn, peajohn, rabbet them! One would think every old
woman of this kingdom hatched pigeons from her own body."
It is not to be supposed that such an original sat unobserved. The
French and other foreigners, who had never been in England, were struck
dumb with amazement at the knight's appearance and deportment; while the
English guests were overwhelmed with shame and confusion, and kept a most
wary silence, for fear of being recognised by their countryman. As for
our adventurer, he was inwardly transported with joy at sight of this
curiosity. He considered him as a genuine, rich country booby, of the
right English growth, fresh as imported; and his heart throbbed with
rapture, when he heard Sir Stentor value himself upon the lining of his
pockets. He foresaw, indeed, that the other knight would endeavour to
reserve him for his own game; but he was too conscious of his own
accomplishments to think he should find great difficulty in superseding
the influence of Sir Giles.
Meanwhile, the new-comer was by his friend helped to some ragout, which
pleased his palate so well, that he declared he should now make a hearty
meal, for the first time since he had crossed the water; and, while his
good-humour prevailed, he drank to every individual around the table.
Ferdinand seized this opportunity of insinuating himself into his favour,
by saying in English, he was glad to find there was anything in France
that was agreeable to Sir Stentor. To this compliment the knight replied
with an air of surprise: "Waunds! I find here's another countryman of
mine in this here company. Sir, I am proud to see you with all my
heart." So speaking, he thrust out his right hand across the table, and
shook our hero by the fist, with such violence of civility, as proved
very grievous to a French marquis, who, in helping himself to soup, was
jostled in such a manner, as to overturn the dividing-spoon in his own
bosom. The Englishman, seeing the mischief he had produced, cried, "No
offence, I hope," in a tone of vociferation, which the marquis in all
probability misconstrued; for he began to model his features into a very
sublime and peremptory look, when Fathom interpreted the apology, and at
the same time informed Sir Stentor, that although he himself had not the
honour of being an Englishman, he had always entertained a most
particular veneration for the country, and learned the language in
consequence of that esteem.
"Blood!" answered the knight, "I think myself the more obliged to you for
your kind opinion, than if you was my countryman in good earnest. For
there be abundance of we English--no offence, Sir Giles--that seem to be
ashamed of their own nation, and leave their homes to come and spend
their fortunes abroad, among a parcel of--you understand me, sir--a word
to the wise, as the saying is."--Here he was interrupted by an article of
the second course, that seemed to give him great disturbance. This was a
roasted leveret, very strong of the fumet, which happened to be placed
directly under his nose. His sense of smelling was no sooner encountered
by the effluvia of this delicious fare, than he started up from table,
exclaiming, "Odd's my liver! here's a piece of carrion, that I would not
offer to e'er a hound in my kennel; 'tis enough to make any Christian
vomit both gut and gall"; and indeed by the wry faces he made while he
ran to the door, his stomach seemed ready to justify this last assertion.
The abbe, who concluded, from these symptoms of disgust, that the leveret
was not sufficiently stale, began to exhibit marks of discontent, and
desired that it might be brought to the other end of the table for his
examination. He accordingly hung over it with the most greedy appetite,
feasting his nostrils with the steams of animal putrefaction; and at
length declared that the morceau was passable, though he owned it would
have been highly perfect, had it been kept another week. Nevertheless,
mouths were not wanting to discuss it, insipid as it was; for in three
minutes there was not a vestige to be seen of that which had offended the
organs of Sir Stentor, who now resumed his place, and did justice to the
dessert. But what he seemed to relish better than any other part of the
entertainment, was the conversation of our adventurer, whom, after
dinner, he begged to have the honour of treating with a dish of coffee,
to the seeming mortification of his brother knight, over which Fathom
exulted in his own heart.
In short, our hero, by his affability and engaging deportment,
immediately gained possession of Sir Stentor's good graces, insomuch,
that he desired to crack a bottle with him in the evening, and they
repaired to an auberge, whither his fellow-knight accompanied him, not
without manifest signs of reluctance. There the stranger gave a loose to
jollity; though at first he d---ed the burgundy as a poor thin liquor,
that ran through him in a twinkling, and, instead of warming, cooled his
heart and bowels. However, it insensibly seemed to give the lie to his
imputation; for his spirits rose to a more elevated pitch of mirth and
good-fellowship; he sung, or rather roared, the Early Horn, so as to
alarm the whole neighbourhood, and began to slabber his companions with a
most bear-like affection. Yet whatever haste he made to the goal of
ebriety, he was distanced by his brother baronet, who from the beginning
of the party had made little other use of his mouth than to receive the
glass, and now sunk down upon the floor, in a state of temporary
annihilation.
He was immediately carried to bed by the direction of Ferdinand, who now
saw himself in a manner possessor of that mine to which he had made such
eager and artful advances. That he might, therefore, carry on the
approaches in the same cautious manner, he gradually shook off the
trammels of sobriety, gave a loose to that spirit of freedom which good
liquor commonly inspires, and, in the familiarity of drunkenness, owned
himself head of a noble family of Poland, from which he had been obliged
to absent himself on account of an affair of honour, not yet compromised.
Having made this confession, and laid strong injunctions of secrecy upon
Sir Stentor, his countenance seemed to acquire from every succeeding
glass a new symptom of intoxication. They renewed their embraces,
swore eternal friendship from that day, and swallowed fresh bumpers, till
both being in all appearance quite overpowered, they began to yawn in
concert, and even nod in their chairs. The knight seemed to resent the
attacks of slumber, as so many impertinent attempts to interrupt their
entertainment; he cursed his own propensity to sleep, imputing it to the
d---ed French climate, and proposed to engage in some pastime that would
keep them awake. "Odd's flesh!" cried the Briton, "when I'm at home, I
defy all the devils in hell to fasten my eyelids together, if so be as
I'm otherwise inclined. For there's mother and sister Nan, and brother
Numps and I, continue to divert ourselves at all-fours, brag, cribbage,
tetotum, husslecap, and chuck-varthing, and, thof I say it, that should
n't say it, I won't turn my back to e'er a he in England, at any of these
pastimes. And so, Count, if you are so disposed, I am your man, that is,
in the way of friendship, at which of these you shall please to pitch
upon."
To this proposal Fathom replied, he was quite ignorant of all the games
he had mentioned; but, in order to amuse Sir Stentor, he would play with
him at lansquenet, for a trifle, as he had laid it down for a maxim, to
risk nothing considerable at play. "Waunds!" answered the knight, "I
hope you don't think I come here in quest of money. Thank God! I have a
good landed estate worth five thousand a year, and owe no man a
halfpenny; and I question whether there be many counts in your nation--no
offence, I hope--that can say a bolder word. As for your lambskin net, I
know nothing of the matter; but I will toss up with you for a guinea,
cross or pile, as the saying is; or, if there's such a thing in this
country as a box and dice, I love to hear the bones rattle sometimes."
Fathom found some difficulty in concealing his joy at the mention of this
last amusement, which had been one of his chief studies, and in which he
had made such progress, that he could calculate all the chances with the
utmost exactness and certainty. However, he made shift to contain
himself within due bounds, and, with seeming indifference, consented to
pass away an hour at hazard, provided the implements could be procured.
Accordingly, the landlord was consulted, and their desire gratified; the
dice were produced, and the table resounded with the effects of their
mutual eagerness. Fortune, at first, declared for the Englishman, who
was permitted by our adventurer to win twenty broad pieces; and he was so
elated with his success, as to accompany every lucky throw with a loud
burst of laughter, and other savage and simple manifestations of
excessive joy, exclaiming, in a tone something less sweet than the
bellowing of a bull, "Now for the main, Count,--odd! here they come--here
are the seven black stars, i'faith. Come along, my yellow boys--odd's
heart! I never liked the face of Lewis before."
Fathom drew happy presages from these boyish raptures, and, after having
indulged them for some time, began to avail himself of his arithmetic, in
consequence of which the knight was obliged to refund the greatest part
of his winning. Then he altered his note, and became as intemperate in
his chagrin, as he had been before immoderate in his mirth. He cursed
himself and his whole generation, d---ed his bad luck, stamped with his
feet upon the floor, and challenged Ferdinand to double stakes. This was
a very welcome proposal to our hero, who found Sir Stentor just such a
subject as he had long desired to encounter with; the more the Englishman
laid, the more he lost, and Fathom took care to inflame his passions, by
certain well-timed sarcasms upon his want of judgment, till at length he
became quite outrageous, swore the dice were false, and threw them out at
the window; pulled off his periwig, and committed it to the flames, spoke
with the most rancorous contempt of his adversary's skill, insisted upon
his having stripped many a better man, for all he was a Count, and
threatening that, before they parted, he should not only look like a
Pole, but also smell like a pole-cat.
This was a spirit which our adventurer industriously kept up, observing
that the English were dupes to all the world; and that, in point of
genius and address, they were no more than noisy braggadocios. In short,
another pair of dice was procured, the stakes were again raised, and,
after several vicissitudes, fortune declared so much in favour of the
knight, that Fathom lost all the money in his pocket, amounting to a
pretty considerable sum. By this time he was warmed into uncommon
eagerness and impatience; being equally piqued at the success and
provoking exultations of his antagonist, whom he now invited to his
lodgings, in order to decide the contest. Sir Stentor complied with this
request; the dispute was renewed with various success, till, towards
daylight, Ferdinand saw this noisy, raw, inexperienced simpleton, carry
off all his ready cash, together with his jewels, and almost everything
that was valuable about his person; and, to crown the whole, the victor
at parting told him with a most intolerable sneer, that as soon as the
Count should receive another remittance from Poland, he would give him
his revenge.