The Italian and the abbe were the first who began to grow whimsical under
the influence of the burgundy; and, in the heat of their elevation,
proposed that the company should amuse themselves during the remaining
part of the night, at the house of an obliging dame, who maintained a
troop of fair nymphs for the accommodation of the other sex. The
proposal was approved by all, except the Hollander, whose economy the
wine had not as yet invaded; and, while he retreated soberly to his own
lodgings, the rest of the society adjourned in two coaches to the temple
of love, where they were received by the venerable priestess, a personage
turned of seventy, who seemed to exercise the functions of her calling,
in despite of the most cruel ravages of time; for age had bent her into
the form of a Turkish bow. Her head was agitated by the palsy, like the
leaf of the poplar tree; her hair fell down in scanty parcels, as white
as the driven snow; her face was not simply wrinkled, but ploughed into
innumerable furrows; her jaws could not boast of one remaining tooth; one
eye distilled a large quantity of rheum, by virtue of the fiery edge that
surrounded it; the other was altogether extinguished, and she had lost
her nose in the course of her ministration. The Delphic sibyl was but a
type of this hoary matron, who, by her figure, might have been mistaken
for the consort of Chaos, or mother of Time. Yet there was something
meritorious in her appearance, as it denoted her an indefatigable
minister to the pleasure of mankind, and as it formed an agreeable
contrast with the beauty and youth of the fair damsels that wantoned in
her train. It resembled those discords in music, which, properly
disposed, contribute to the harmony of the whole piece; or those horrible
giants, who, in the world of romance, used to guard the gates of the
castle in which the enchanted damsel was confined.
This Urganda seemed to be aware of her own importance, and perfectly well
acquainted with the human appetite; for she compelled the whole company
to undergo her embrace. Then a lacquey, in magnificent livery, ushered
them into a superb apartment, where they waited some minutes, without
being favoured with the appearance of the ladies, to the manifest
dissatisfaction of the abbe, who, sending for the gouvernante,
reprimanded her severely for her want of politesse. The old lady, who
was by no means a pattern of patience and submission, retorted his
reproaches with great emphasis and vivacity. Her eloquence flowed
altogether in the Covent Garden strain; and I question whether the
celebrated Mother Douglas herself could have made such a figure in an
extemporaneous altercation.
After having bestowed upon the abbe the epithets of saucy insignificant
pimp, she put him in mind of the good offices which he had received at
her hands; how she had supplied him with bed, board, and bedfellow, in
his greatest necessity; sent him abroad with money in his pockets--and,
in a word, cherished him in her bosom, when his own mother had abandoned
him to distress. She then reviled him for presuming to affront her
before strangers, and gave the company to understand, that the young
ladies would wait upon them as soon as they could be confessed and
receive absolution from a worthy cordelier, who was now employed in
performing that charitable office. The gentlemen were satisfied with
this remonstrance, which argued the old lady's pious concern for the
souls that were under her care, and our adventurer proposed an
accommodation betwixt her and the abbe, who was prevailed upon to ask her
pardon, and received her blessing upon his knees.
This affair had not been long adjusted, when five damsels were introduced
in a very gay dishabille, and our hero was complimented with the
privilege of choosing his Amanda from the whole bevy. When he was
provided, the others began to pair themselves, and, unhappily, the German
count chanced to pitch upon the same nymph who had captivated the desires
of the British knight. A dispute immediately ensued; for the Englishman
made his addresses to the lady, without paying the least regard to the
priority of the other's claim; and she, being pleased with his
attachment, did not scruple to renounce his rival, who swore by the
thunder, lightning, and sacrament, that he would not quit his pretensions
for any prince in Christendom, much less for a little English cavalier,
whom he had already honoured too much in condescending to be his
companion.
The knight, provoked at this stately declaration, which was the immediate
effect of anger and ebriety, eyed his antagonist with a most contemptuous
aspect, and advised him to avoid such comparisons for the future. "We
all know," said he, "the importance of a German count; I suppose your
revenue amounts to three hundred rix-dollars; and you have a chateau that
looks like the ruins of an English gaol. I will bind myself to lend you
a thousand pounds upon a mortgage of your estate, (and a bad bargain I am
sure I shall have,) if I do not, in less than two months, find a yeoman
of Kent, who spends more in strong ale than the sum-total of your yearly
income; and, were the truth known, I believe that lace upon your coat is
no better than tinsel, and those fringed ruffles, with fine Holland
sleeves, tacked to a shirt of brown canvas, so that, were you to undress
yourself before the lady, you would only expose your own poverty and
pride."
The count was so much enraged at these sarcastic observations, that his
faculty of speech was overwhelmed by his resentment; though, in order to
acquit himself of the Englishman's imputation, he forthwith pulled off
his clothes with such fury, that his brocade waistcoat was tore from top
to bottom. The knight, mistaking his meaning, considered this demeanour
as a fair challenge, to try which was the better man in the exercise of
boxing; and, on that supposition, began to strip in his turn, when he was
undeceived by Fathom, who put the right interpretation upon the count's
behaviour, and begged that the affair might be compromised. By this time
the Westphalian recovered the use of his tongue, and with many threats
and imprecations, desired they would take notice how falsely he had been
aspersed, and do him justice in espousing his claim to the damsel in
question.
Before the company had time or inclination to interest themselves in the
quarrel, his opponent observed that no person who was not a mere German,
would ever dream of forcing the inclinations of a pretty girl, whom the
accidents of fortune had subjected to his power; that such compulsion was
equivalent to the most cruel rape that could be committed; and that the
lady's aversion was not at all surprising; for, to speak his own
sentiments, were he a woman of pleasure, he would as soon grant favours
to a Westphalian hog, as to the person of his antagonist. The German,
enraged at this comparison, was quite abandoned by his patience and
discretion. He called the knight an English clown, and, swearing he
was the most untoward beast of a whole nation of mules, snatched up one
of the candlesticks, which he launched at him with such force and
violence, that it sung through the air, and, winging its flight into the
ante-chamber, encountered the skull of his own valet, who with immediate
prostration received the message of his master.
The knight, that he might not be behindhand with the Westphalian in point
of courtesy, returned the compliment with the remaining chandelier, which
also missed its mark, and, smiting a large mirror that was fixed behind
them, emitted such a crash as one might expect to hear if a mine were
sprung beneath a manufacture of glass. Both lights being thus
extinguished, a furious combat ensued in the dark; the Italian scampered
off with infinite agility, and, as he went downstairs, desired that
nobody would interpose, because it was an affair of honour, which could
not be made up. The ladies consulted their safety in flight; Count
Fathom slyly retired to one corner of the room; while the abbe, having
upon him the terrors of the commissaire, endeavoured to appease and part
the combatants, and, in the attempt, sustained a random blow upon his
nose, which sent him howling into the other chamber, where, finding his
band besmeared with his own blood, he began to caper about the apartment,
in a transport of rage and vexation.
Meanwhile, the old gentlewoman being alarmed with the noise of the
battle, and apprehensive that it would end in murder, to the danger and
discredit of herself and family, immediately mustered up her myrmidons,
of whom she always retained a formidable band, and, putting herself at
their head, lighted them to the scene of uproar. Ferdinand, who had
hitherto observed a strict neutrality, no sooner perceived them approach,
than he leaped in between the disputants, that he might be found acting
in the character of a peacemaker; and, indeed, by this time, victory
had declared for the baronet, who had treated his antagonist with a
cross-buttock, which laid him almost breathless on the floor. The victor
was prevailed upon, by the entreaties of Fathom, to quit the field of
battle, and adjourn into another room, where, in less than half an hour,
he received a billet from the count, defying him to single combat on the
frontiers of Flanders, at an appointed time and place. The challenge was
immediately accepted by the knight, who, being flushed with conquest,
treated his adversary with great contempt.
But, next day, when the fumes of the burgundy were quite exhaled, and the
adventure recurred to his remembrance and sober reflection, he waited
upon our adventurer at his lodgings, and solicited his advice in such a
manner, as gave him to understand that he looked upon what had happened
as a drunken brawl, which ought to have no serious consequences. Fathom
foreseeing that the affair might be managed for his own interest,
professed himself of the baronet's opinion; and, without hesitation,
undertook the office of a mediator, assuring his principal, that his
honour should suffer no stain in the course of his negotiation.
Having received the Englishman's acknowledgments for this instance of
friendship, he forthwith set out for the place of the German's
habitation, and understanding he was still asleep, insisted upon his
being immediately waked, and told, that a gentleman from the chevalier
desired to see him, upon business of importance which could not be
delayed. Accordingly, his valet-de-chambre, pressed by Fathom's
importunities and remonstrances, ventured to go in and shake the count by
the shoulder; when this furious Teutonian, still agitated by the fever of
the preceding night, leaped out of bed in a frenzy, and seizing his sword
that lay upon a table, would have severely punished the presumption of
his servant, had not he been restrained by the entrance of Ferdinand,
who, with a peremptory countenance, gave him to understand that the valet
had acted at his immediate instigation; and that he was come, as the
Englishman's friend, to concert with him proper measures for keeping the
appointment they had made at their last meeting.
This message effectually calmed the German, who was not a little
mortified to find himself so disagreeably disturbed. He could not help
cursing the impatience of his antagonist, and even hinting that he would
have acted more like a gentleman and good Christian, in expressing a
desire of seeing the affair accommodated, as he knew himself to be the
aggressor, consequently the first offender against the laws of politeness
and good-fellowship. Fathom, finding him in a fit temper of mind, took
the opportunity of assenting to the reasonableness of his observation.
He ventured to condemn the impetuosity of the baronet, who, he perceived,
was extremely nice and scrupulous in the punctilios of honour; and said
it was a pity that two gentlemen should forfeit each other's friendship,
much less expose their lives, for such a frivolous cause. "My dear
count," cried the Westphalian, "I am charmed to find your sentiments so
conformable to my own. In an honourable cause, I despise all danger; my
courage, thank Heaven! has been manifested in many public engagements as
well as in private rencounters; but, to break with my friend, whose
eminent virtues I admire, and even to seek his life, on such a scandalous
occasion, for a little insignificant w---e, who, I suppose, took the
advantage of our intoxication, to foment the quarrel: by Heaven! my
conscience cannot digest it."
Having expressed himself to this purpose, he waited impatiently for the
reply of Ferdinand, who, after a pause of deliberation, offered his
services in the way of mediation; though, he observed, it was a matter of
great delicacy, and the event altogether uncertain. "Nevertheless,"
added our adventurer, "I will strive to appease the knight, who, I hope,
will be induced by my remonstrances to forget the unlucky accident, which
hath so disagreeably interrupted your mutual friendship." The German
thanked him for this proof of his regard, which yielded him more
satisfaction on account of the chevalier than of himself. "For, by the
tombs of my fathers," cried he, "I have so little concern for my personal
safety, that, if my honour were interested, I durst oppose myself singly
to the whole ban of the empire; and I am now ready, if the chevalier
requires it, to give him the rendezvous in the forest of Senlis, either
on horseback or on foot, where this contest may be terminated with the
life of one or both of us."
Count Fathom, with a view to chastise the Westphalian for this
rhodomontade, told him, with a mortifying air of indifference, that if
they were both bent upon taking the field, he would save himself the
trouble of interposing farther in the affair; and desired to know the
hour at which it would suit him to take the air with the baronet. The
other, not a little embarrassed by this question, said, with a faltering
tongue, he should be proud to obey the chevalier's orders; but, at the
same time, owned he should be much better pleased if our hero would
execute the pacific proposal he had made. Fathom accordingly promised to
exert himself for that purpose, and returned to the knight, with whom he
assumed the merit of having tranquillised the rage of an incensed
barbarian, who was now disposed to a reconciliation upon equal terms.
The baronet overwhelmed him with caresses and compliments upon his
friendship and address; the parties met that same forenoon, as if by
accident, in Fathom's apartment, where they embraced each other
cordially, exchanged apologies, and renewed their former correspondence.
Our adventurer thought he had good reason to congratulate himself upon
the part he had acted in this pacification. He was treated by both with
signal marks of particular affection and esteem. The count pressed him
to accept, as a token of his attachment, a sword of very curious
workmanship, which he had received in a present from a certain prince of
the empire. The knight forced upon his finger a very splendid diamond
ring, as a testimony of his gratitude and esteem. But there was still
another person to be appeased, before the peace of the whole company
could be established. This was no other than the abbe, from whom each of
the reconciled friends received at dinner a billet couched in these
words:--
"I have the honour to lament the infinite chagrin and mortification that
compels me to address myself in this manner to a person of your rank and
eminence, whom I should do myself the pleasure of waiting upon in person,
were I not prevented by the misfortune of my nose, which was last night
most cruelly disarranged, by a violent contusion I had the honour to
receive, in attempting to compose that unhappy fracas, at the house of
Madame la Maquerelle; and what puts the finishing stroke to my mishap, is
my being rendered incapable of keeping three or four assignations with
ladies of fashion, by whom I have the honour to be particularly esteemed.
The disfiguration of my nose, the pain I have undergone, with the
discomposure of brain which it produced, I could bear as a philosopher;
but the disappointment of the ladies, my glory will not permit me to
overlook. And as you know the injury was sustained in your service, I
have the pleasure to hope you will not refuse to grant such reparation as
will be acceptable to a gentleman, who has the honour to be with
inviolable attachment,--
Sir, your most devoted slave,
PEPIN CLOTHAIRE CHARLE HENRI LOOUIS BARNABE DE FUMIER."
This epistle was so equivocal, that the persons to whom it was addressed
did not know whether or not they ought to interpret the contents into a
challenge; when our hero observed, that the ambiguity of his expressions
plainly proved there was a door left open for accommodation; and proposed
that they should forthwith visit the writer at his own apartment. They
accordingly followed his advice, and found the abbe in his morning gown
and slippers, with three huge nightcaps on his head, and a crape hat-band
tied over the middle of his face, by way of bandage to his nose. He
received his visitors with the most ridiculous solemnity, being still a
stranger to the purport of their errand; but soon as the Westphalian
declared they were come in consequence of his billet, in order to ask
pardon for the undesigned offence they had given, his features retrieved
their natural vivacity, and he professed himself perfectly satisfied with
their polite acknowledgment. Then they condoled him upon the evil plight
of his nose, and seeing some marks upon his shirt, asked with seeming
concern, if he had lost any blood in the fray? To this interrogation he
replied, that he had still a sufficient quantity left for the occasions
of his friends; and that he should deem it his greatest glory to expend
the last drop of it in their service.
Matters being thus amicably adjusted, they prevailed upon him to unease
his nose, which retained no signs of the outrage he had suffered; and the
amusements of the day were concerted. It was in consequence of this
plan, that, after the comedy, they were entertained at the count's
lodgings, where quadrille was proposed by the abbe, as the most innocent
pastime, and the proposal was immediately embraced by all present, and by
none with more alacrity than by our adventurer, who, without putting
forth a moiety of his skill, went home with twenty louis clear gain.
Though, far from believing himself greatly superior to the rest of the
party, in the artifices of play, he justly suspected that they had
concealed their skill, with a view of stripping him on some other
occasion; for he could not suppose that persons of their figure and
character should be, in reality, such novices as they affected to appear.