(_By a Fox without a Tail._)
Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more,
Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,
You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,
Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.
While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week,
And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek,
Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks,
As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.
Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space,
Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place:
The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch,
And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with _Punch_!"
The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still,
The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will;
No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown,
But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.
Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns
(Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones),
So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack,
I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRIPPERS
_Tommy_ (_his first visit_). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day
daddy?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the
hotel, holding on to knobs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or
plain?"]
* * * * *
When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of
traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are
covered by this expression?
* * * * *
[Illustration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY
_British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South
Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport
unless it contains the element of danger."
_German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom
ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in
de shdomag!"]
* * * * *
CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once
with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing
motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to
interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him
for a statue and cut his name as usual.
* * * * *
AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?
_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?
_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My
wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!
* * * * *
SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for
wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers;
_Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires;
_Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy
bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.
* * * * *
CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!
* * * * *
[Illustration: SNUB FOR A SNOB
_English Tourist._ "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What
payment do you expect for it?"
_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_
it to the pigs!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY
(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of
Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)
"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible
accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]
* * * * *
_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_).
What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign
language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival
ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.
_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voila'?"
_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,'
or something like that."
_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and
thinking I've been swearing in French!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH