DEVOTIONAL EXERCISES AND CORRESPONDENCE.
"FEBRUARY 8, 1812.
"'By faith Moses, when he was come to years, refused to be called
the son of Pharaoh's daughter; esteeming the reproach of Christ
greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he had respect unto
the recompense of the reward: choosing rather to suffer affliction
with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a
season.' Heb. 11:24.
"All that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer
persecution; the natural heart is enmity against God, and hates his
image wherever found. If individual Christians have the favor of
individual worldlings, it never is for their piety, that is rather
borne with than loved; and too often Christians save themselves from
reproach by unfaithfulness; that, alas, has been my sin and shame. In
all my friendships with worldlings, some of which have been tender,
how unfaithful have I been to friendship's highest office. How seldom
have I endeavored to rescue my friend from sin and Satan, by leading
her to the Friend of sinners, the source of happiness. Contenting my
vile, selfish heart, with things pertaining to this life unconnected
with that to come, leaving her under the influence of 'the lust of the
eye, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life;' without eyes to
see her danger, or friend to warn her of it; and while she
communicated with me in things common to both, in all the good she
knew, keeping back nothing from me of all she possessed; how often
have I concealed my richest treasure, without inviting her to the
participation. O, faithless friend! O, ungrateful, unfaithful--first
to that gracious God who opened mine own eyes, arrested ray attention,
stopped up my path, and turned me to the way of life; and next to
my friend, whom I have left to pursue that same way of death,
without attempting to lead her to this same sovereign, merciful,
gracious Deliverer.
"And what withheld! Shame belongs to the heart governed by such
motives; fear of contempt, reproach, or, at most, the loss of a carnal
friendship. Of three such friends, now gone to their place, two
continued their worldly course to the last, so far as I know; for the
third the Lord provided a more faithful friend, who became worker
together with the Spirit of God, led her to the Friend of sinners, who
has compassion on the ignorant, and them that are out of the way, By
Him she was received, and in Him she found life, light, and peace.
"She soon outran faithless me in the heavenly race; gently chid
me for my remissness, but continued my friend and helper. Ever
foremost in the race, humble and steady in faith, she looked not back,
nor halted. She has long since finished her course, received her crown
and reward of grace, and become fruit to the account of that friend
who supplied what was wanting in me. I rejoice with them both, give
glory to God, from whom their fruit was found, and take shame and
confusion for my part.
"How many opportunities have I lost, and from the same sinful,
shameful cause. O my Redeemer, what can I say to thee? Words are
wanting to express my loathing of that vile, selfish cowardice.
"Didst Thou, who art the Creator of heaven and earth, the
brightness of the glory of God, the express image of his person, and
upholder of all things, suffer shame, contempt, anguish, death for my
sake, that thou mightest redeem me from the second death, and purchase
for me eternal life; and do I shrink and turn away from the least
taste of thy cup, though the curse is extracted and a blessing
infused!
"And after all this, art thou pacified towards me? I search in
vain for words to express the amazing grace. 'As the heaven is high
above the earth, so great is his mercy towards them that fear him, and
towards vile me, who can lay small claim to that character; yet, as
far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed my
transgressions from him. Bless the Lord, ye his angels, who excel in
strength, that do his commandments, hearkening to the voice of his
word. Bless the Lord, all ye his hosts, ye ministers of his that do
his pleasure; ye ministering spirits, sent forth to watch over and
minister to them who shall be heirs of salvation."
"FEBRUARY, 1812.
"Dr. M----. 'Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of
the world,' John 1:29.
"He dwelt chiefly on the substitution of the victim in the room
of the transgressor. When a victim was offered for an individual, he
was to lay his hand on the head of the animal, by the appointment of
God, as a token of his faith that his sins should be transferred to
the victim which suffered death in his stead, and that his sins were
forgiven and his person accepted. If the victim was for the whole
congregation, then the elders, as their representatives, were to lay
their hands upon the head of the victim, signifying the same faith.
Great was the subject of the plan of redemption: The Son of God
clothed with our nature, given and set apart as a propitiatory
sacrifice, the victim upon whom the sins of his elect were laid, and
he sacrificed in their stead.
"The Lamb of God, which took away the sins not only of the Jewish
transgressors, but the sins of the elect out of every nation, kindred,
and tongue throughout the world--on this Lamb of God rests my own
individual hope for pardon and for acceptance. I lay my own individual
hand of faith on his dear head, confess my sin, and rely upon his
sacrifice for pardon and acceptance, through the atonement made by
himself, God's anointed Priest."
"SABBATH, April, 1812.
"Dr. Romeyn. 'Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus
shall suffer persecution.' 2 Timothy 3:12. Gone as usual; but it came
home to my heart. I have not suffered persecution; and why? because my
life has not testified sufficiently against a sinful world. Alas,
alas! the world loves its own, and I have been so accommodating, to
say the least, as not to disturb it. 'The carnal mind is enmity
against God; is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be;'
but the world saw little in me of that image which they hate, and
enough of assimilation to balance that little. O my God, my
long-suffering, sin-pardoning God, thou knowest my vile cowardice;
with professors a professor of thy name, with worldlings a seeming
worldling. And now the season is past, the opportunity lost; the time
of life is arrived when the world itself expects to be abandoned. No
line of conduct in me will now reprove them; they account it wise to
look out for a better portion, when the world can no longer be
enjoyed; and through the deceitfulness of their own hearts, and the
suggestions of the ever-vigilant enemy of souls, may be hardened in
sin, by hoping to become religious in old age. O, let thy grace
prevent it.
"The sinfulness, and O, the ingratitude of my past life rise in
magnitude every review I take of it. And what can I say? Father,
forgive. Yes, I dare say, Father, forgive. I dare say more, Thou hast
forgiven. This grief of heart proves that thou hast not sealed me up
in impenitence. Thou rememberest thy covenant with me in the days of
my youth, when thou didst draw me with the cords of love and the bands
of a man; and though no language can express my baseness and my
ingratitude, through all my backsliding life, thy covenant stands
fast.
"'I remember, and am confounded, and will never open my mouth any
more because of my shame, now that thou art pacified towards me for
all that I have done. And I know that thou art the Lord.
Contrition dwell within this breast,
That God within this heart may rest:
Shame and confusion flush this face,
And magnify this glorious grace.
Grace be my theme while I have breath,
And on my quivering lips in death.
Angels and fellow-sinners, say,
Will you not join me in this lay,
Now, and through heaven's eternal day?
"Blessed Comforter, thou seest old age upon me, loss of memory,
and a desultory mind; I cannot retain even the substance of my dear
pastor's sermons. I thank thee for the food and refreshment at the
time, and often after for refreshing meditations on the same subjects.
I commit all to thee; keep them for me, and feed me with these truths
as thou seest I need. O be to me memory, judgment, presence of mind,
for order, regularity, and natural powers are gone. I rejoice in my
dear Saviour, who of God is made unto me wisdom, righteousness,
sanctification, and redemption. He shall perfect that which concerneth
me, and finish the work he has begun. Therefore I say, All is well."
"COMMUNION SABBATH, May 17, 1812.
"Was much melted under a sense of indwelling sin, and the
deceitfulness of the human heart, and of my own heart in particular. I
have been. I think, much in the exercise of contrition for the sins of
my past life, and exercised in watching over my words, thoughts, and
actions; now that the Lord has delivered me from all necessity to
care, having every thing provided for me _necessary to life and
godliness:_ pleasant food and clothing both for body and mind; my
dear room, retirement, fire, candle, attendance; my precious Bible,
and precious, lively, spiritual ordinances; a faithful and beloved
pastor, who feeds me with truth: I taste it, and I am fed. I am, as
the Lord God merciful and gracious has awarded, under the constant
influence of shame and confusion for my highly aggravated
transgressions: but I also enjoy the full sense of pardon; being
justified by faith, I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus
Christ; and knowing that I have a 'great high-priest that is passed
into, the heavens, Jesus the Son of God,' I am enabled to hold fast my
profession, comforted by this, that I have not a high-priest who
cannot be touched with the feeling of my infirmities, but was in all
points tempted as we are, yet without sin. I dare come, not very
boldly, for I am under much depression, to the throne of grace, that I
may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Every time is
a time of need with me, for sin still dwelleth in me. I have peace
with God through my dear Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but am at
constant war with myself. I plead thy promise, that thou wilt subdue
my iniquities, that sin shall not have dominion over me. And now,
Captain of salvation, I renew the fight, but it is depending upon thee
to fight for me, with me, and in me. I will set myself to watch, but I
shall watch in vain, if thou keep not the avenues of my heart, and the
door of my lips. O, clothe me with thy meek and lowly spirit."
"SABBATH, July 26, 1812.
"Tired of the bustle of Rockaway, and having some subordinate
motives for returning home for a time, I embraced this season in
particular; having, in the compass of one week, Sabbath, Wednesday my
birthday, and the day set apart both by the General Assembly of our
church and the Governor of our state, for fasting, prayer, and
humiliation, besides lectures on the same evening. I returned
therefore on Friday, the 24th.
"Dr. R---- preached from Psalm 27:1,'The Lord is my light and my
salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of
whom shall I be afraid?'
"O my God, my merciful and gracious God, what can I say of thy
amazing, distinguishing mercy to me? Delivered from all these fears,
and able to adopt the text fully, I know of none who have more or
greater cause of fear as sinners. My transgressions have been of
_crimson_ and _scarlet_ hue. O my God, thou knowest them,
words cannot paint them. My Saviour, thou knowest them, for thou
baredst them; every jot and tittle was put to thy account, and thou
didst cancel all. O that garden, that cry on the cross! the effects
were seen on thy sacred body, but who can conceive the mysterious
horror which agonized thy sacred soul? But thou saidst, _It is
finished,_ and finished it is. Lamb of God, which takest away the
sins of the world, on thy consecrated head I lay the hand of faith,
confess my sins, pray for forgiveness, and believe that I am forgiven.
"July 29th, my birthday, and the last day of the threescore years
and ten of my sinful life. What an, exhibition will that day produce,
when the secrets of all hearts will be laid open, all my actions and
all the springs of them. In all the myriads which shall appear at the
bar of God, will there be such a sinner--taking into view the early
grace manifested?
"Born, I think, about the seventeenth year of my natural life;
previously instructed in the doctrines and precepts of the Scriptures,
as far as the natural mind can conceive, by pious parents and a
faithful pastor; with milk provided for my spiritual infancy, and
richer food set before me for my growth; the leaves of the new
covenant were opened to my view, and the fulness treasured in Christ
for my supply, to be asked, to be delighted in; and delighted I was,
and satisfied. But Oh, I forsook the fountain of living waters, and
hewed out broken cisterns, that could hold no water. Where can
language be found to depict my ingratitude, my madness, my folly; and
where to describe the long-suffering, the compassionate remonstrances,
the kindly, fatherly chastisements, the repeated pardons and
restorations of my gracious God in days of youth--aggravating my
renewed backslidings, bringing upon my sinful soul vengeance for my
inventions? What were the sins of Israel and Judah to mine? Mine were
committed after the great atonement was made; the adorable
High-priest, Jesus, had with his own blood entered within the veil,
and was set on the right hand of the throne of the Majesty of the
heavens: the minister of the sanctuary, and of the true tabernacle,
which the Lord pitched, and not man. The new covenant was exhibited,
established on better promises, himself the Mediator. The new and
living way was consecrated to the holiest of all by the blood of
Jesus; a throne of grace was established, Jesus himself our Advocate
and Intercessor. We are now privileged to come boldly to a throne of
grace, that we may find grace to help in the time of need. O how
aggravated my sin above theirs, having such great and precious
privileges and promises, and a High-priest who can be touched with the
feeling of our infirmities, who was in all points tempted as we are;
who owns us as his brethren and sisters, yea, the very _members of
his body_, and his Spirit dwelleth in us.
"I set apart the day for fasting and deep humiliation; took
another survey of my past sinful life; confessed particulars on my
knees, and made a fresh application to the blood of sprinkling which
cleanseth from all sin; took a fresh hold of his new covenant of
promise. 'This is the covenant that I will make with them after those
days, saith the Lord; I will put my laws in their hearts, and in their
minds will I write them, and their sins and their iniquities will I
remember no more.' Lord, do as thou hast said. I rest my immortal soul
on thy promise."
"JULY 30, 1812.
"The day set apart by the General Assembly and State Legislature
for fasting and humiliation, confession of sin and prayer.
"Our pastor read the second chapter of Jeremiah, a great portion
of which belongs to my own character as an individual; and is laid up
as part of that provision which is to support me through the last
stage in the wilderness, and through Jordan, over which I must shortly
pass; laid in as a proof of the amazing long-suffering of God, and his
readiness to forgive even the vile backslider in heart and life, as
proclaimed in chapter three."
"SABBATH, NOV. 22."
"'Turn ye to the strong-hold, ye prisoners of hope.' Zech. 9:12.
My Jesus--my hope, my stronghold, my safety, my Saviour, my portion,
my life, my happiness--yes, my happiness, for safe I am and happy,
though sometimes in heaviness, for yet sin dwelleth in me, and in
others dear as my own soul; and though I know it is pardoned, and
provision made for pardon to the end, yet, O it is bitter, and bitter
let it be. I would not have it otherwise. Heal my depravity, O God;
take sin out of this heart; O fill it with love to thee, and to all my
fellow-sinners. My dear High-priest, it can be but a little further to
Jordan. My seventy years are run. Does not the ark of the covenant
appear, going before me? am I not called to decamp and follow after? O
my blessed, blessed High-priest, keep my eye fixed on thy person, and
let me the little further follow thee step by step, foot after foot,
without losing one mark all the way to Jordan; and there let me see
thee. Blessed ark of the covenant, roll back the waters of terror,
stand firm in Jordan, and bid me come unto thee, and set up the stones
of memorial in a song of praise in the midst of Jordan.
"O then thy glory let me see,
Then cause thy face to shine on me,
And tune my heart, and tune my voice,
And language furnish to rejoice,
That all around may lend their tongue,
And sweetly join my dying song."
"SABBATH, December 8, 1812.
"'Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me:
thou shalt stretch forth thy hand against mine enemies, and thy right
hand shall save me.' 'The Lord will perfect that which concerns me:
thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine
own hands.' Psalm 138:7, 8.
"I will no longer mourn over loss of memory; I think the Lord has
more than made it up to me by his sensible presence while hearing and
applying the sermon to my heart at the time; not only so, he
enlightens my understanding; it opens more to the elucidations of my
pastor; and though I forget the words and the order of his discourses,
I am instructed in the knowledge of the subject and the Scriptures in
general. Shall I deny the grace of God through fear or pride? I see it
not to be my duty. Can I attribute any thing to myself? No; shame and
confusion of face belong to me, for my carelessness and idleness in
the use of means during health and strength of body and mind. Never
has God dealt with me as I sinned, but according to his own mercy, and
in a way of great sovereignty. Let me record his great goodness, his
tender mercies, and bless his name.
"Old age is upon me, and some of its infirmities; my memory is
much impaired, and my mind in temporal things and subjects becomes
very desultory. Not so in spirituals: I think I not only hear and read
with more intense attention and prompt application, but my mind is
more disposed to meditation; and though I cannot remember much of the
sermons I hear, yet my mind is often furnished with happy and
profitable thoughts on the same subjects; and I find myself instructed
without remembering the instructions. This is evidently from the Lord.
It appears to me also that I have not lost the sensibility of youth. I
often shed tears, not only of compunction, but of gratitude. I seldom
commune without tears. I think much of death; am solemnized, but
not afraid.
"As far as I know, my confidence rests upon a
surety-righteousness, exclusive of every thing in myself. I am not
conscious of self-righteousness; I have no complacency in any thing
ever done by me. I not only believe that in all things I come short,
and that sin is mixed in all I do, because God hath said so, but am
sensible of the particular depravity. It is my sincere desire to be
stript of every thing that is mine--sins and duties laid in one
heap--and to be clothed in the surety-righteousness of my Redeemer;
all that is mine put to his account, and all that he did and suffered,
as the Mediator and surety of the covenant, to mine.
"I am afflicted with rheumatism, but God gives me patience,
disposes me to enumerate my many remaining mercies--eyes to read his
word and ears to hear it preached; hitherto such moderation of pain as
very often to be able to attend with fixedness. I have my room at my
own command, candle, fire, and attendance; and O, bless the Lord, my
soul, much of his sensible presence. In the night when my aches
prevent me from sleeping, he gives me some sweet hymn; I sing, my pain
is diverted, while my heart is melted and warmed under the
expressions, and I often drop asleep with the words on my tongue.
"I am convinced that the provision I have laid in for my last
journey in the wilderness and through Jordan, is selected by the
influence of the Holy Ghost. He takes of the things of Christ and
shows them unto me; and while he keeps upon my mind my meanness, my
vileness, wrings my heart with the retrospect of my backslidings and
highly aggravated transgressions, he opens at the same time the leaves
of the New Testament and shows me my deliverance from punishment, the
redemption of my soul, and my translation into the kingdom of God's
dear Son: I weep and rejoice; I loathe myself, and clasping my Saviour
to my heart, am at a loss for words to express how precious he is to
my saved soul.
"Jesus, I love thy charming name,
'Tis music to my ear;
Fain would I sound it out so loud
That heaven and earth should hear.
Yes, thou art precious to my soul,
My transport and my trust,
My Saviour, Shepherd, Husband, Friend,
No other good I boast.
All my capacious powers can wish,
In thee doth richly meet;
Not to mine eyes is light so dear.
Nor friendship's self so sweet.
Thy grace shall dwell upon my heart
And shed its fragrance there,
The noblest balm of all my wounds,
And cordial of my care.
I'll speak the honors of thy name
While I have life and breath;
Then, speechless, clasp thee in my arms,
The antidote of death.'
"Dr. M---- preached in the evening from Eph. 3:30: 'For we are
members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.' It was a rich
sermon; I enjoyed it at the time, but cannot recall it. Blessed
Spirit, keep it for me, and feed me with the substance of it, as I
stand in need.
"Accept of my thanks, blessed Jesus; that through thy meritorious
life and death, I have an interest in the great whole. Accept of my
thanks, blessed Spirit, for thus taking the things of Christ and
showing them unto me. And accept of my thanks, Father of mercies, for
the gift of thy Son, and all these blessings in him.
"'Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who
hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places, in
Christ Jesus.' Amen."
"GREENWICH, Sabbath.
"Heard Dr. Milledoler preach in the state prison to the convicts,
from Luke 19:10: 'For the Son of man is come to seek and save that
which was lost.' He addressed them as fellow-sinners, all being by
nature lost and dependent on the same means for recovery.
"True, my heart accords. O Lord, thou knowest I stand in my own
estimation a sinner, the chief of sinners. These have added to their
sin against thee, breach against men, and are suffering the penalty.
"My sins have been chiefly, though far from exclusively, against
God, and with many aggravations. That I was born in a Christian land,
of pious parents, who gave me religious instructions; brought up under
faithful, lively ministers, and in religious society; exposed to few
temptations but what arose from the corruptions of my own heart, are
aggravations, which, perhaps, many are mourning over, as heightening
the sin of unbelief in their unregenerated state. But the
aggravations--the painful remembrance of which mars my comfort and
covers me with shame and confusion even now, though I know that God is
pacified with me--are as far above these as the heavens are above the
earth. For in that Christian land, under those Christian parents and
faithful pastors, while yet young and tender, I was enlightened,
tasted of the heavenly gift, was made a partaker of the Holy Ghost,
tasted of the good word of God and the power of the world to come. I
was taken from the fearful pit and miry clay; my feet set upon the
rock, and a new song put into my mouth, even to the amount of, O
death, where is thy sting?--of redeeming love, pardoning grace, new
covenant mercy, I had 'joy and peace in believing,' But forgetting my
natural character, the extreme volatility of my spirits, my taste for
gayety; forgetting the danger of smothering the heavenly spark by
indulging to the utmost bound of lawful pleasure; forgetting my
continual need of fresh supplies of grace to preserve and feed that
new life which could not live on earthly food; forgetting the
deceitfulness of my heart, the injunctions of my Bible, I became cold,
negligent in the use of means, distant in prayer, lost enjoyment, and
my heart, naturally carnal and madly fond of pleasure, got entangled.
'The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life'
regained their power; other loves usurped the place of that Beloved
who had bought me with his blood, and betrothed me to himself; 'that
which came into my mind was, that I would be as the families of the
countries, to serve wood and stone.' Blessed be his name, he said, 'It
shall not be.' He brought me into the wilderness and pleaded with me,
caused me to pass under the rod, brought me again into the bond of
the covenant.
"O how often hast thou wrought with me, for thy name's sake. One
self-willed step brought with it a train of consequences dangerous to
spiritual life, filling even the path of duty with pits and snares,
cutting me off from ordinances, pastor, parents, church, country, and
Christian society; placing me at the same time in the midst of carnal
delights; and every thing in my natural temper and dispositions was
congenial to them. What saved me? What in heaven or earth could save
me, but thy covenant? Truly thy covenant standeth fast; therefore I
was not lost in the vortex. But 'the Lord God, merciful and gracious,
long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, forgiving
iniquity, transgression, and sin,' kept his eye upon me; many a time
did he stop up my path. O from how many delusions of my own seeking;
how many snares and nets of my own weaving; how many pits of my own
digging, hast thou delivered me, when wandering, bewildered, on
temptation's ground, in the cloudy dark day. How often hast thou
sought me out; how often bound me up when broken, strengthened me when
sick, and fed me with judgment, and very, very often, thou madest
thyself known to me. I knew thy hand when it shook the rod, when it
arrested me on some mad career. I knew thy hedge, thy bar; saw not
only escapes, but my Deliverer: often paused, turned, and took fast
hold of thy covenant. I had no afflictions in those days, but every
pleasure lawful to be enjoyed, and natural to the heart of woman; but
no pastor, no church, no Christian society; yet God was there, my
Bible, my Doddridge, and other good books. And to my shame and
confusion this day, he was not, in the midst of all my idolatry, a
barren wilderness, nor a land of drought to me. I had many Sabbaths;
literally the Sabbath was a sign between my covenant God and me: ill
spent it often was, but not with company; it was spent in retirement.
The Lord did not leave me so far as to give up the Sabbath to the
world. Though my heart was incrusted, and spiritual life scarcely
discernible, sometimes the Lord met me, and strange to tell, not with
threatenings causing terror, but with compunction, melting, turning,
and ere the day was over, manifestations of pardon, though not joy;
for I was grieved at my ingratitude.
"I did expect affliction long before it came, and my presumptuous
heart calculated upon the fruit being the peaceable fruit of
righteousness, and to take away sin; but still I held my way, gadding
about, drinking the waters of Sihor and the rivers of Syria, and
eating the worldling's dainties. Oh, Oh, at last it came; yes, it
came. Thou didst cut off the desire of my eyes with a stroke, and with
that made the world a blank to me. But O the stately steps of thy
providential mercy previous to that trying hour. O my God, I must ever
wonder and stand amazed at thy exuberant grace. In consistence with
thy covenant, thou mightest have struck me among these worldlings, in
that dry and barren land, where not one tongue could speak the
language of Canaan, nor bring forth from thy precious Bible the words
of consolation to my wounded and bereaved spirit; richly had I merited
this; but never, no, never hast thou dealt with me as I sinned.
Through the whole of my life, from the time that the Lord called me
out of darkness into his marvellous light--from the time that he first
led me to the Saviour, and enabled me to take hold of his covenant,
wanderer, backslider, transgressor, rebel, idolater, ingrate, and if
there be any name more expressively _vile_ and _abominable_,
that is mine. And from the hour of my birth, through the whole of this
refractory perverse life, 'the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and
gracious, long-suffering, abundant in goodness and truth, forgiving
iniquity, transgression, and sin,' has been, and now is, thy
name to me.
"No, ye strong-built walls, ye grated windows, ye gloomy cells,
ye confine no such sinner as I. And did the Lord take vengeance on my
inventions? O no, _mercy_ preceded, _mercy_ accompanied
judgment; yea, it was all mercy, not vengeance. He brought me and my
idol out of that barren land, placed us under the breath of prayer,
among a dear little society of Methodists; he laid us upon their
spirits, and when the messenger Death was sent for my beloved, the
breath of prayer ascended from his bedside, from their little meeting,
and I believe from their families and closets. The God of mercy
prepared their hearts to pray, and his ear to hear, and the answer did
not tarry. Behold, my husband prayeth; confesses sin; applies to the
Saviour; pleads for forgiveness for his sake; receives comfort;
blesses God for Jesus Christ, and dies with these words on his tongue,
'I hold fast by the Saviour,' Behold another wonder; the idolatress in
an ecstasy of joy. She who never could realize a separation for one
single minute during his life, now resigns her heart's treasure with
praise and thanksgiving.
"O the joy of that hour; its savor remains on my heart to this
moment. For five days and nights I had been little off my knees: it
was my ordinary posture at his bedside, and in all that time I had but
_once_ requested life. Surely the spirit of prayer and supplication
was poured out. The Spirit helped mine infirmities with groanings
which could not be uttered, leading me to pray for that which God had
determined to bestow; making intercession for my husband, according
to the will of God.
"O sing unto the Lord a new song, for he hath done marvellous
things. His right hand and his holy arm hath gotten him the victory.
The Lord hath made known his salvation. His righteousness hath he
openly shown in the sight of the heathen. He hath remembered his mercy
and his truth toward the house of Israel. All the ends of the earth
have seen the salvation of our God." Psalm 98.
"FRIDAY, December.
"Sermon from John 4:10: 'If thou knewest the gift of God, and who
it is that saith, Give me to drink, thou wouldest have asked of him,
and he would have given thee living water,'
"This is part of my provision laid in for my passage through
Jordan. Christ is the gift of God. Christ is the water of life; he is
this living water, and the bread of life _given_; given by God,
received by the sinner. Life and comfort are experienced, and fruit
produced is the evidence; but first of all, this gift must be known,
and the soul's need must be known; Christ, the anointed prophet,
taught this woman both, and no other could. 'Search me, O Lord, and
try me.' Hast thou not taught my soul its miserable and ruined state
by nature; its helplessness as well as misery? Hast thou not also
brought me to this living, life-giving water? Oh, hast thou not given
me faith to come, faith to drink; and have I not experienced its
solacing quality? Has it not satisfied my soul, and in some degree
allayed my thirst for carnal delights? Blessed Spirit, the gift of the
Father and of the Son, pour into my soul repeated draughts of this
living water; yea, be in me, according to my Redeemer's promise, a
well of water springing up to eternal life, and cause me to bring
forth fruit to the glory of the Father.
"'Other foundation can no man lay, than that which is laid,
Christ Jesus.'
"Do I, O my God, seek for or desire any other foundation? Are not
all my hopes for time and eternity built on this foundation? Is not
Christ all my salvation and all my desire? Do I not embrace thy
covenant just as it is, believing that thou givest unto me eternal
life, and that this life is in thy Son, whom thou hast given 'to be a
covenant of the people.' Iniquities prevail against me; but thou wilt
not only purge them away, but wilt subdue them. Sin shall not have
dominion over me, for I am not tinder the law, but under grace."
To Miss Walker, Edinburgh.
"NEW YORK, 1812.
"My dear Miss Walker, I think, is in my debt; but that is no
reason why I may not inquire after her health and welfare, and through
her, of that of her brother, sister, and other dear friends yet in
their pilgrimage. My dear, dear Mrs. Walker lives in my affections,
and surely what concerns her children can never be to me a matter of
indifference. Your dear brother's persevering kindness and tried
friendship have written gratitude in indelible characters on my heart.
'A friend in need is a friend indeed;' and such was he. I trust the
Lord has rewarded and will reward him. I have still in my possession
many dear remembrances of your worthy mother; her sensible, pious
letters, some of which have proved prophetic, are among my treasures.
What a lovely group presses upon my memory at this moment, united to
Jesus and to one another on earth, and the union is now perfected in
heaven. Your dear mother, Mrs. Brown, dear Mrs. Randall, and Lady
Glenorchy, all zealous for the welfare of the widow and orphans, whose
way lay peculiarly through Vanity Fair, and whose spirits were too
much assimilated to the wares there exhibited, and most unworthy of
all the care and pains they bestowed upon her. Tell my then dear
pastor the pilgrim is not lost; he will find her in the 18th chapter
of Ezekiel: he may remember that he and dear Doctor Erskine gave me
over to the Lord when leaving Edinburgh. Well has he kept the charge,
though I have not my part, after all the chastisements and charges
received. But he is 'the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious,
long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for
thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin.'
"I am now a happy Mary, enjoying the full sense of pardon and the
light of his countenance in the meantime, and the full prospect of
being soon with him, made like him, and capacitated to praise him.
"I. GRAHAM."
"SABBATH, January 18.
"Dr. R----. 'By grace ye are saved through faith; and that not of
yourselves: it is the gift of God.'
"All is of grace, all is free gift, or we wicked, wretched
sinners, could have no interest in it. Thanks be unto God for his
unspeakable gift of Jesus Christ, given for a covenant of the people.
Thanks be unto God for the gift of faith, by which we apprehend this
covenant, and become interested in him, as the salvation of our souls.
Thanks be unto God for life to work; for new principles and new
motives, new desires, new hopes, new fears, and, in some measure, new
conduct. All of grace, and to the God of grace be all the glory.
"Afternoon. 'Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither
let the mighty man glory in his might; let not the rich man glory in
his riches: but let him that glorieth, glory in this, that he
understandeth and knoweth me; that I am the Lord which exercise
righteousness, loving-kindness, and judgment in the earth: for in
these things I delight, saith the Lord.' Jer. 9:23.
"O Lord, hast thou not taught me by thy word, by observation, and
by experience, that 'all flesh is grass, and all the glory of man as
the flower of grass?' Alas, how much have I gloried in even more
worthless and transient things; but thou hast put a worm in them,
which I hope has cut the roots, and they are in a dying state. O let
grace supplant them; let me now glory only in thee and thy blessed,
gracious, and well-ordered covenant. Do I understand and know thee,
that thou art the Lord which exerciseth righteousness,
loving-kindness, and judgment in the earth? Dare I say that I, worm
as I am, and a sinful worm, am the subject of this loving-kindness,
through the righteousness of Christ? Yes, I dare, by the constitution
of thine own covenant--the Covenant of the people, the Mediator, the
guarantee of the covenant of grace, which is all summed up in him.
"When thou givest Christ, thou givest freely all the blessings of
the new covenant.
"'And this is the record, That God hath given to us eternal life,
and this life is in his Son.'
"I believe the record, and do understand and know that thou art
the Lord, etc."
"FEBRUARY 4, 1813.
"My dear grandchildren J. and I. B---- waited on their beloved
pastor Dr. Romeyn, and professed their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ
as the Saviour of sinners and their Saviour, their desire to give
themselves to the Lord and to his church, and to be in all things
governed by it; to receive the seal of the covenant of grace,
commemorate the dying love of their Redeemer the next opportunity, and
swear allegiance to him over the symbols of his body and blood.
"Glory to God for this fresh manifestation of his mercy and grace
to sinners. Not unto us, O Lord God, but to thy name be the glory.
Thou hast made a covenant with thy chosen, and with believers in him;
and thou hast, by thy Holy Spirit, drawn them to take hold of this thy
own covenant, and to give themselves to thee to be made the subjects
of it. And now, O Lord, remember thy own covenant, and do as thou hast
said: Put thy laws in their minds, and write them in their hearts, and
be unto them a God, and they shall be unto thee a people; be merciful
to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities remember
no more. Give them understanding to know and believe thy laws,
memories to retain them, hearts to love them, consciences to recognize
them, courage to profess and power to put in practice. O, grant that
the whole habit and frame of their souls may be a table and transcript
of thy law. Blessed Redeemer, gather these lambs in thy arms and carry
them in thy bosom. O, seal them with the Holy Spirit of promise. They
look forward to that feast of love which thou didst institute in that
same night in which thou wast betrayed into the hands of sinners. If
it may please thee, manifest thyself to them as thou dost not unto the
world. Blessed Shepherd, call these lambs by name; may they know thy
voice, rejoice to hear it, and follow thee. In all the preparatory
exercises speak to their hearts and commune with them in secret. O
give them some love-tokens, which they may never forget; and make
thyself known to them in the breaking of bread. Exercise their parents
with thankfulness and gratitude, and thine aged servant, to whom, in
an especial manner, belong 'shame and confusion of face,' while she
stands amazed at the stately steps of thy free, sovereign mercy and
grace to her, and to her children according to the flesh. Husband of
the widow, Father of the fatherless, Shield of the stranger, glorify
thy name, magnify thy grace: all these thou hast been to me; give
these parents deep humility, if they have received grace to be more
faithful than I; yet thy holy eye has seen much shortcoming in them
also. Glory to thy name for the grace in which they stand, and that
thou hast enabled them to train up these children for thee. Oh, let
this be a heart-searching time with us all; humble us, and exalt thy
name, and magnify thy grace.
"O Lord, my covenant God, all my desire is before thee; is it not
that thou magnify thy grace in me and in my family? There are others,
Lord, and the residue of the Spirit is with thee. Put forth thy power
in the heart of I.G. S----, and compel him to come in. And Oh, my dear
I. S---- and her family; thou biddest me open my mouth wide. Lord, see,
there is much for thee to do. I praise thy name for what thou hast
done, and lay me at thy feet waiting for further manifestations of thy
mercy, thy sovereign mercy: I have no other plea.
"Work with us, for thy name's sake, and with J. M----, for whom
my worthless prayers have been presented to thee, as also a member of
this family. O Lord, he is now gone out into the world; he is no
longer under the control of man; bring him under thy gracious control;
call him into thy kingdom of grace, and make him a willing subject in
the day of thy power. Father, glorify thy name."
"APRIL, Sabbath, 1813.
"'Wherefore, laying aside all malice, and all guile, and
hypocrisies, and envyings, and all evil speaking, as new-born babes
desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby.' 2
Peter, 2:1, 2.
"Blessed Spirit, thou hast convinced me of the indwelling of
every one of these, and also of my helplessness of myself to make
successful war against them. But Oh, hast thou not led me to the
Captain of salvation for armor, for strength, for wisdom, for power;
and is not my dependence for success on thy promise that sin shall not
have dominion over me; that thy grace is sufficient for me; that as my
day, so shall my strength be?"
"MAY 5.
"'Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God,
through our Lord Jesus Christ.' Rom. 5:1.
"Blessed, blessed, blessed doctrine; by no other doctrine can I
be justified and saved. Christ the gift of God, and faith the gift of
God. All, all is of grace.
"I have shut my door, desiring to commune with God, but feeling
dull and lifeless, ask what shall I read? My Bible lies just at hand;
where shall I read? every part is good. I open and find it marked: 'My
prayer is unto thee, O Lord, in an acceptable time; O God, in the
multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation.' Psalm
69:13. In an acceptable time--when? 'To-day if ye will hear his
voice.' Nevertheless, I am continually with thee; thou holdest me by
my right hand, and ever upholdest me, in the time of need especially.
"'In the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy
salvation.' What is the truth of God's salvation? To be the property
of Christ by purchase, to have Christ made our property by the
Father's gift; to have the Holy Spirit sent into our hearts, to
enlighten our understandings, to govern our wills, to regulate our
affections and tempers, and to be in us 'a well of water springing up
into everlasting life.' Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, ours by gift and
by power; this. Oh, this contains all my asking for myself, for my
children and children's children, for nay friends and all dear to me.
Take us, O Lord, and in 'the truth of thy salvation' give thyself to
us; do all the needful for us, and glorify thy name."
"SABBATH.
"'A certain man made a great supper, and bade many, and sent his
servants at supper-time to say to them that were bidden, Come, for all
things are ready. And they all, with one consent, began to make
excuse.' Luke 14:16.
"Alas, such are our hearts, that we make idols even of the
blessings and bounties of providence; no room is left for Christ,
though without him every temporal good is under a curse, and our own
persons also.
"O Lord, bless the gracious invitations given to perishing
sinners this day; the pathetic and tender remonstrances of thy
faithful servant. O, may many of the poor, the maimed, the halt, the
blind, from the streets and lanes of the city, and may many from the
highways and hedges, be compelled to come, that thy house may be
filled. And Oh, my gracious Father, let these careless ones, who are
my flesh and blood, be among the number. Hear, O hear the prayers
offered this day for poor, self-deluded, self-destroying sinners;
awaken them, O Lord, and sweep away all lying refuges, and, gracious
God, settle and establish these halters. O bring to the birth, and
give life and love and zeal to make a full profession to the glory of
thy powerful grace, and to the joy and comfort of fellow-members. Let
thy kingdom come."
"GREENWICH, June 11, 1813.
"In my large light closet, within my airy, comfortable room; the
prospect from my windows such as I have ever delighted in, woods and
water, flower-garden and fruit-trees, and beautiful shrubs of various
kinds, all as much mine as if my own individual property by the laws
of the land in which I live; surrounded with books, and my children's
rich library at my command; enjoying rich gospel ordinances, under a
godly, gifted pastor, with pious, loving, sensible church-members; a
carriage to convey me, Sabbath and week-days, to places of worship;
children whose desire is that I may enjoy all these to the full
without care or trouble, they caring for me; with all these a large
measure of health, my eyes see my teachers, my ears hear their voice.
Why then these tears? Are they all for sin? Lord, search and see. Does
no wounded pride, no selfish hurt mix? Ah, Lord, thou knowest. I have
detected much, and mourn and weep on that account; but I fear there is
yet much lurking and working that I know not.
"I have set apart the remainder of this day for fasting and
humiliation on account of past sins which I already know, and for yet
further search into what I know not of at present. Lord, give me
heart-searching exercises. Glory, glory, glory to Father, Son, and
blessed Comforter, that I am forgiven; thy Spirit witnesseth with my
spirit that I am forgiven. Thou hast given me faith in the truth of
thy testimony, that the blood of Christ cleanseth from all sin--that
this is thy own provision for sinners--that Christ died for the
ungodly--that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us--that
Christ hath loved us, and given himself for us--that 'God so loved the
world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in
him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' These last words
came from thy own lips of flesh. Thou gift of God to a perishing
world, and to me, one of the most guilty in it, thou also saidst, 'He
that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life.' Thy Spirit
witnesseth with my spirit, that to me it is given on the behalf of
Christ to believe in him. Phil. 1:29. Therefore I have everlasting
life. Him who was slain and hanged on a tree, 'Him hath God exalted to
be a Prince and a Saviour, for to give repentance and remission of
sins.' From this exalted Prince I have repentance and forgiveness of
sin, and therefore I dare look at my sins: I look with grief, but not
with terror. Though forgiven, and though provision is made for
forgiveness, sin is still an evil and a bitter thing.
"This day is set apart for mourning. I desire to search, to know
more of my vileness, that I may mourn yet more; that while my heart is
wrung for my ingratitude, the Lord may make it the means of crucifying
my sins, especially that which so easily besets me, that he will give
me the prayer of faith that they may be forgiven, and that I may be
delivered from their power in my heart; that I may be clothed with
humility, so humble that nothing can hurt me, wearing my Redeemer's
yoke, leaning upon him who was 'meek and lowly,' that I may find rest
to my soul. Now, Lord, assist me for the rest of the day" and let
to-morrow be the beginning of days."
"Ten o'clock at night.
"The day is spent, and I look for the blessing. It has not been
spent so much in my usual way of retracing, confessing, and bewailing,
but with Owen on the subject of indwelling sin, of purification and
the, means appointed by God. The blood of Christ is the only effectual
means not only as atonement for sin, setting us free from
condemnation, but also for cleansing, as sprinkled on the conscience
by the Holy Ghost, and purging it from dead works. There are means in
which we are to exercise ourselves, depending on the Spirit for
benefit. We are to work in the faith that God works in us.
Mortification is one means, and though the mortification of the body
is perhaps one of the lowest, I think it is of divine appointment,
therefore not to be neglected. I have been also studying the death of
Christ, and his previous sufferings; the unbelief, the opposition,
contradiction, contempt, and cruel mocking which he endured; and his
meekness, patience, and submission under them; healing Malchus' ear,
praying for his murderers; that, as the children of Israel were healed
by looking to the brazen serpent, I may be healed by looking unto the
uplifted Jesus; the Spirit producing the effect. And as the woman with
the bloody issue was healed by a touch, exercising faith in the power
of Christ, so I may be healed by a look, exercising the same faith,
the Spirit producing the effect of conformity to his example, working
in me that meek and lowly spirit for which I have been praying. And
now, by grace communicated, I hope to watch over my spirit with more
success than formerly. I wait for thy salvation."
The following letter shows how Mrs. Graham persevered in her
endeavors to guide and benefit immortal souls as long as God gave her
powers to be employed.
To Mrs. J. W----.
"GREENWICH, 1814.
"Did not the dove, my dear J----, get into the ark? Yes, Noah put
out his hand and pulled her in; both are types of Christ. He is the
Ark of safety from the flood of wrath that must overwhelm unbelievers.
"I know not, my dear, the amount of that over which you mourn
with so much agony; I know not even if it be sinful, except in the
circumstances; you are conscious of sincerity, and you do not now wish
to draw back. We can, my dear, do nothing in our own strength; no, not
so much as think a good thought. To make any resolution without
dependence on God for strength to perform, is sinful; to make any vow
without a consciousness of our weakness and dependence on God for
strength to perform, is an aggravation of the evil.
"I suppose my J---- has sinned; what then? If any man say he has
no sin, he deceives himself, and the truth is not in him. And if you
suppose that your sin in this is greater than many other sins with
their aggravations, you judge wrong. I think that any one
_deliberate_ sin, wilfully committed with a knowledge that it is
sin, is greater than yours in such circumstances. You are bound by
your vow, and God will enable you to perform it. Turn, my dear, to the
second chapter of the Acts of the Apostles, where Peter preaches to
the very murderers of our blessed Saviour, and charges the guilt upon
them, verse twenty-second; and again in verse thirty-sixth, 'Therefore
let all the house of Israel know assuredly, that this same Jesus whom
ye crucified, God hath made both Lord and Christ; and when they heard
this, they were pricked in their hearts.' Read on, my dear; Peter
exhorts even them to repent and be baptized in the name of Christ, for
the remission of sins. I make no doubt but many have made vows in a
rash manner; but, so far as I know, you have vowed only to serve the
Lord; this you are bound to do with or without a vow; and if the Lord
makes this vow the means of keeping you watchful and humble, and firm
in avoiding what you have vowed against, it will, by his overruling
Spirit, prove a blessing.
"You 'do not know where to look for comfort!' To, Jesus, my dear;
not to yourself, nor to any creature. 'Look unto me and be ye saved,
all the ends of the earth: for I am God, and there is none else.' Isa.
45:22. 'O Israel, thou hast destroyed thyself, but in me is thy help.'
Hosea 13:9; chap. 14. Take a view, my dear, of the character of God in
his dealings with his perverse Israel, after they had made the molten
calf, and sinned otherwise grievously against God. He, at the
intercession of Moses, forgave their sin, and proclaimed that
wonderful name, which to this day is the encouragement of convicted
sinners, and mine in particular. And the Lord passed by him (Moses)
and proclaimed, 'The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious,
long-suffering, abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for
thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin.' And how can
God do this, whose law is, as himself, immutable; and who adds 'that
he will by no means clear the guilty?' Exodus 34:6. Look now to the
fifty-third chapter of Isaiah, where you will find your Redeemer
standing in your stead. In the thirtieth chapter is another amazing
display of God's forgiveness. The prophet begins the chapter with,
'Woe to the rebellious children!' and lays grievous things to their
charge till you come to the eighteenth verse, where he says,
'Therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious to you;
therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you; for the
Lord is a God of judgment, blessed are all they that wait for him.'
Once more look at the proclamation, Jeremiah 3:12. God has provided a
sacrifice of sufficient value to atone for our most aggravated
transgressions, and a righteousness answerable to the uttermost extent
of his holy law. Both are made over to the sinner by free gift. 'He
hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, that we might be made
the righteousness of God in him.' 2 Cor. 5:21. _In Him_--He, our
surety, having fulfilled all righteousness for us, _as_ our
surety and representative.
"You fear that it is not the hand of the Lord that is upon you. I
do think that it is, my J----. It is the peculiar office of the Spirit
to convince of sin, and I do think that he is at this time dealing
with your soul. But why look so much at your vow? you have sinned, my
J----, in heart, lip, and life. 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with
all thy heart.' O my J----, what prostituted affections, what misspent
time. While God says, 'Whether you eat or drink, or whatsoever you do,
do all to the glory of God,' what self-indulgence and self-will,
instead of self-denial. Listen to the voice of convictions, listen to
it as the voice of mercy, leading you to Christ the great propitiatory
sacrifice, 'the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.'
"Go to Christ, my dear, as a sinner; tell him you commit your
sinful soul into his hands; say, Thou hast bid me look unto thee and
be saved. Saviour, I do look unto thee for salvation. Wash me in thy
blood, clothe me in thy righteousness, sanctify me by thy grace,
accept of me as thy pardoned, saved child; and be a surety for me for
good, that having vowed to thee that I would be thy servant, I may
perform my vow; furnish me with both will and power to devote myself
to thee every day of my life.
"Try, my dear, to rest on Christ; put your trust in him; if you
do he will not disappoint you; as your faith, so shall it be unto you.
Now faith is a saving grace; thereby we receive and rest upon Christ
for salvation, as he is offered to us in the gospel. Do as you have
said: wait his appointed time, in the use of means, till he manifest
himself to you. I am hurried for time to get this to town. Farewell. I
will pray for you.
"I. GRAHAM."
"1814.
"'A day of darkness and gloominess, a day of clouds and thick
darkness, as the morning spread upon the mountains.' Joel 2:2.
"Not in temporals, nor in the means of grace; every thing that
earth can afford is gathered into my present cup; it is full and runs
over with earthly good, and a large measure of health to enjoy it.
Moral temporals are also mine in no common degree, friendship, society
at my choice, and respectability in it. Rich means of grace within my
reach, my Bible, and books of every kind and great variety at my hand,
of instruction and of devotion. Mine eyes see my teachers, and my
judgment approves their doctrine as corresponding with that sure word
of testimony given me as the test of all human writings. Yet it is a
day of darkness and of gloom.
"'Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice
of his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light? Let him
trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God.' Isa. 50:10.
"To trust in the name of the Lord and to stay myself upon my God
is still my privilege, and though with little life and little comfort,
my experience. My mind is so desultory! My Bible, and helps derived
from men's deductions and experiences, seem useless; they are not
blessed as means to fix my heart; trifles of every sort pass and
repass often; while my eyes read the words, my mind is gone in a dream
on some other subject; my heart remains unimpressed, my mind
uninformed; the same in prayer, especially in secret and in the
family; less so in the sanctuary.
"I seem, as to apprehension, left to my own dark, dismal, carnal
self; naked faith on the finished work of my Redeemer is all that
supports me; and that as a bare preventive of fear and source of a
hope that 'I shall yet praise Him who is the health of my countenance
and my God.' I know his covenant stands fast, I have taken hold of it;
I do at this cold and stupid moment place my confidence in it. Christ
is God's covenant, God's gift to sinners; I believe it; he is the Lamb
of God, which taketh away the sin of the world; I believe it; I
believe on the Son for all the purposes for which God has sent him
into the world; therefore I have everlasting life; I believe the
record that God gave of his Son; that God hath given to me eternal
life, and this life is in his Son, not in me, but in union with him.
'He that hath the Son hath life; he that hath not the Son, hath
not life.' John 5.
"I thank thee, my God, that thou hast not left me to cast away my
confidence in Christ. I have life in him, and no life but as I have it
from him. Thou seest how it is with me. Thou art my reconciled Father
in Christ, but thou hast shut me out from thy presence. I do not enjoy
thee; my poor heart is tossed from trifle to trifle. It has been my
way through life to destroy myself, and thy way to deliver me. Thou
hast been very gracious to me in my old age. I have enjoyed much of
thy presence in thy sanctuary and in my private hours; and although
sin has dwelt and does dwell in me, I have enjoyed thy forgiving
grace, and have tasted thy love, far beyond what I have for weeks
past. 'Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my
thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the
way everlasting.' Show me wherefore thou contendest with me. Am I
living in the indulgence of any known wilful sin; or in the habitual
neglect of any known duty? Lord, 'it is not in man that walketh to
direct his steps.' I know I have been unthankful, unwatchful, idle;
alas, this is my ordinary course; but it is not the ordinary course of
my Lord God, merciful and gracious, to mark iniquity against me, but
to forgive me daily, to lead me to the blood of sprinkling, to give me
contrition, and to restore me to his favor by giving me 'joy and peace
in believing.' Help, Lord; give me heart-searching exercises. I read
thy word, I set about that to which thou callest me. I set apart this
day for fasting, but the gracious exercises are not in me. Come, O
come, and be with me. Exalted Prince, give repentance and remission;
in thy light let me see light.
"'Therefore now turn ye unto me with all your heart, with
fasting, with weeping and mourning; rend your heart and not your
garments, turn unto the Lord your God; for he is gracious and
merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of
the evil.' Joel 2:12. O, do I not know thee by this name; has it not
been thy name to me throughout this wide wilderness, 'pardoning
iniquity, transgression, and sin?' Thou hast prepared a prayer for me,
'Turn me, and I shall be turned, for thou art the Lord my God.' Jer.
31:18. I look to thy new covenant in the same chapter; it is all
promise, I can do nothing in it. Christ by thine own appointment
answers for my part; or rather, I have no part. I can render nothing
to the Lord for all his benefits to me. I will put forth the withered
hand to 'take the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the Lord.'
"Ten o'clock. The day is spent; I have confessed, and endeavored
to turn to the Lord with mourning, but with little sensibility.
"I attended meeting in the evening, heard two excellent
discourses on the priesthood of Christ, and joined in two prayers and
three hymns with more fixed attention than has been my attainment
lately; for this I thank thee, my God. Many have been the beginnings
of days and of months which thou hast afforded after backsliding. O
add this to the number. 'Hear my prayer, O Lord; give ear to my
supplications; in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy
righteousness. Enter not into judgment with thy servant, for in thy
sight shall no man living be justified.' Psalm 143.
"My spirit is overwhelmed within me, my heart within me is
desolate. I stretch out my hands unto thee; my soul thirsteth after
thee in a thirsty land. Hear me speedily, O Lord; my spirit faileth;
hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto those that go down into
the pit. Cause me to hear thy loving-kindness in the morning, for in
thee do I trust; cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I
lift up my soul unto thee. Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies; I
flee unto thee to hide me. Teach me to do thy will, for thou art my
God. Thy Spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. Quicken
me, O Lord, for thy name's sake; for thy righteousness' sake bring my
soul out of trouble. I wait for thy salvation.
This heart my Jesus bought with blood,
It is his honest claim;
O seize it, fix it, Saviour God,
To give it is my aim.
Take full possession of this heart,
And here set up thy throne;
Command each idol to depart,
And make it all thine own.
O dare I not to thee appeal,
That 'tis my first desire,
That on this heart thou stamp thy seal
And grave it with love's fire?
To fix this heart to stray no more
I e'en would quit the clay;
Would hasten on to Jordan's shore,
And plough the watery way.
Nor fear nor dread my soul should move,
With Jesus in my heart;
Each passion swallowed up in love,
I'd court the friendly dart.
The resurrection and the life
In death itself he'll prove,
And while he closes mortal strife,
Breathe his own life of love.
Then boast not, monster, of thy sting,
Nor of thy victory, grave;
In th' arms of God's anointed King
I dare thy fiercest brave.