GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's
nothing in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment
of Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days.
They neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl--(_enter_ Susan
Jane Jones.)
SUSAN. (_strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag
under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves_)
Well, here I am--
GRANDMA. (_mildly_) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones.
SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that?
GRANDMA. (_gently_) All the faculty and students curtsey when they come
into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom--
SUSAN. (_briskly_) Well, I'll soon change that--I mean, Howdy! Howdy!
(_bobs several times_) (_aside_) I must not forget I am here as a spy
in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans you must do as
the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, old lady.
GRANDMA, (_rubbing knees_) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little
rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady.
I have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful
I can do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your
duties will be?
SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to
treat their husbands when they get 'em.
GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband.
Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines
of
Care from Hubby's Brow. Then--of course you show by example how all this
is done.
SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you?
GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes
perfect," you know, (_calls_) Pauline!
PAULINE, (_off stage_) Yes'm, I'm comin'.
GRANDMA, (_calling_) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline.
PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam.
(_Enter_ PAULINE _with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws it
into a chair. Exit._)
GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should
be. He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He
never says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why?
SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer?
GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and
pet him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like
to see an example of your method of coddling and petting.
(SUSAN _looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and
pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the
chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder._)
SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (_pats dummy_) Was he out so
late last night? (_puts dummy gently in chair_) Let little wifey rub his
poor head, (_does so_) What did hubby say? All right, little wifey will
tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) Now, kiss
little wifey. (_kisses dummy_) What did hubby say?
GRANDMA. What did he say?
SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone.
Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me."
GRANDMA, (_admiringly_) How like a real man! And what do you do next?
SUSAN. (_looking around_) I get a pillow. (_gets one from couch and puts
it lade of dummy_) And I wrap up his feet (_does it_) There, poor dear.
He's sleeping now.
GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives
should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender
creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your
room is in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal
Husband a little longer before your classes begin. (_exit_ GRANDMA)
SUSAN, (_alone_) Get off that chair, you big brute! (_jerks dummy of
chair_) Come home intoxicated, will you? (_throws dummy back on chair_)
Don't talk back to me! (_takes up dummy again_) You are going out, are
you? Well, go out! (_walks toward screen with dummy_) Out you go! I'll
stand no nonsense, I tell you! (_throws dummy behind screen_) Go, if you
want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I coddle and pet them!
(_looks around_) This is a nice situation for Susan Jane Jones, Captain
of Company A, First Regiment, Militant Suffragettes! But all is fair
in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is the last stronghold of the
old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender young girls learn the
vicious habits of keeping house, being good housewives and attending
to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. From this root
anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I have crept
in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will rule!
(_enter_ KATE _pouting_)
KATE. (_not seeing_ SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm
never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I
think he is just too horrid for anything, (_takes off coat and hat and
throws them on sofa_) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived,
I do! I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (_wipes
her eyes_)
SUSAN. (_clapping her hands once_) My sentiments exactly! I so consider
all men.
KATE. (_startled_) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning!
(_curtseys_) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will
you? (_with head on one side_) She wouldn't like it. (_picking at her
fingers_) She says females should admire and worship all males.
SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory
is, females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a
worm. A poor silly worm. Now, here! (_takes_ KATE _by arm and leads
her across stage_) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel
oppression of a man!
KATE. I--I--I just think John Mason treated me real mean, anyway.
SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must
be free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you?
You think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you?
KATE. I did think so.
SUSAN, (_threateningly_) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands!
(PAULINE _enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to
them_) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us
under his cruel heel.
KATE. Has he?
SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot.
KATE. Will we?
SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him.
KATE. Must we?
SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from
the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the
stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can.
He must be driven from the land.
PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a
death of cold in the water.
SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true
woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (_to_ KATE) You have
felt a man's cruelty. (KATE _wipes her eyes_)
KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean.
SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of
the oppressor?
PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma
Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and
black his shoes for him.
SUSAN, (_triumphantly_) You see! Man makes slaves of us all!
PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he
was in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor.
SUSAN. (_carelessly_) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind the
screen.
(PAULINE _gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind
her on the floor. Exit_ PAULINE.)
SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is
about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see
one of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you?
KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean--Oh!
here Comes Grandma Gregg.
SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (_in a changed tone_). Yes, my dear,
when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a
bandage--
(_Enter_ GRANDMA GREGG.)
KATE, (_curtseys_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.
GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA _seats herself and begins
knitting_. KATE _takes sewing from bag and sews_. SUSAN _picks up book
from floor and begins to read_.)
(_Enter_ GRACE.)
GRACE. (_curtseys_) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG.
GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear.
(GRACE _seats herself and sews. Enter_ EDITH _and_ IDA.)
EDITH and IDA. (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.
GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears.
(_Enter_ MAY _and other girls._)
MAY and Other Girls, (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.
GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all
done your home work? Let me see it. (_the girls advance, by ones or twos
and show their sewing_)
GRANDMA. Very good--The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart--
This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (_girls take
seats again, and sew_)
GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot?