by Forrest J. Ackerman
(Following is a brief summary of a recent radio broadcast taken from
the story “We Buy Us a Robot—and What Happened” in the American Weekly.)
A married couple had an eight year old robot, and decided that it was
about time to get a new one as ‘Willy’ was becoming worn and creaky and
inefficient; so, they went to look over the newest models. They
selected Julius, a most capable iron-man who could not tell a lie. This
proved a disadvantage, however, as, upon entering their home he
declared in his deep, hollow, mechanical voice: “Dust—much dust!”
As the wife would grow lonely when her husband was away, she had a
phonograph record made of him assuring her how much he loved her. This
she inserted into Julius, and listened to him. But this made Julius
become very pensive and sad. One day he was found reading love poems
and crying. Julius was in love! He realized the hopelessness of the
situation.
One day he was found missing. “Oh! He’s committed suicide!” the wife
cried, “I know it!”
“But that’s impossible!” her husband assured her, “if he tries to drown
himself, he will only be short-circuited and rusted, and could be
revitalized and polished up just like new. If he shoots himself, but a
few parts need be replaced. Jumping from a window would merely dent him
a little. He cannot hang himself; he cannot poison himself; he cannot
die by fire. Anyhow, our contract guarantees us against loss by
suicide.”
Just then the televisor flashed on. It was an upstairs neighbor.
“My son’s all dirty and greasy,” he bellowed, “and it’s your fault!”
“Our fault? How so?” they asked.
He gave a serial number. “That’s your robot, isn’t it? Well, he went
out into the park and called a lot of kids around him; told them he
wasn’t feeling well; gave them screw-drivers and asked to find out what
was the matter with him. In a few minutes he was scattered all over six
blocks.”
Julius, the mechanical man, had taken the only method an automaton knew
of committing suicide.——
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