majesty to place me, have been the occasion of my not writing to you
before; for if there be any thing to find fault with in the king's
service, it is the great trouble and attendance it requires; which,
however, is in some measure requited by the honour of being his servant.
It troubles me to be forced to send you disagreeable news; but your
father died eight days ago, with as much bravery and resolution as ever
man did; I speak of my own knowledge, as having trussed him up myself.
The cart became him as well as if it had been a chariot, and all that
saw the rope about his neck concluded him as clever a fellow as ever was
hanged. He looked up all the way he went at the windows, very much
unconcerned, courteously bowing to all the tradesmen, that left their
shops to gaze at him, and turned up his whiskers several times. He
desired the priests that went to prepare him for death, not to be too
eager, but to rest and take a breathing time, extolling any remarkable
expressions they used. Being come to the triple tree, he presently set
his foot on the ladder, and went up it nimbly, not creeping on all-four
as others do; and perceiving that one of the rounds of it was cracked
through, he turned to the officers attending, and bid them get it mended
for the next that came, because all men had not his spirit. I cannot
express how much his person and carriage were applauded. At the top of
the ladder he sat down, set his clothes handsomely about him, took the
rope and clapped the noose to his ear, and then perceiving the Jesuit
was going to preach to him, he turned to him and said, 'Father, I accept
of the will for the deed. Let us have a few staves of a psalm, and have
done quickly, for I hate to be tedious.' This was done accordingly; he
charged me to put on his cap a little to one side and to wipe his mouth,
which I did. And then he swang, without shrinking up his legs, or making
ugly faces; but kept such sedateness in his countenance that it was a
pleasure to behold him. I quartered him out, and left the several parts
on the highways. God knows what a trouble it is to me to see him there
daily treating the crows and ravens. I cannot give you a much better
account of your mother, for, though still living, she is a prisoner in
the Inquisition at Toledo, because she would not let the dead rest in
their graves. They give out that every night she used to salute a great
he-goat, kissing him on the eye which has no pupil. In her house were
found as many arms, legs, and heads as would have stocked a charnel
house; and she reckoned it one of her smallest abilities to counterfeit
virgins and solder cracked virtues. They say she would fly up a chimney,
and ride faster upon a broom-staff than another can upon the best
Andalusian nag. I am sorry she disgraces us all, and me more
particularly as being the king's officer, and such kindred does not
become my post. Dear child, here are some goods of your father's that
have been concealed to the value of four hundred ducats; I am your
uncle, and all I have is yours. Upon sight hereof you may come away
hither, for your skill in Latin and rhetoric will qualify you to make
you an excellent hangman. Let me have your answer speedily, and till
then God keep you, &c."
[Illustration]
I must confess, I was much troubled at this fresh disgrace, and yet, in
some measure, I was glad of it, for the scandalous lives of parents make
their greatest misfortunes a comfort to their children. I went away
hastily to Don Diego, who was then reading his father's letter, in which
he ordered him to leave the university and return home, but not to take
me with him, because of the account he had received of my trickiness. He
told me he must be gone, and how his father commanded him to part with
me, which he was sorry for; and I was so much more. He added, he would
recommend me to another gentleman, his friend, to serve him. I smiled,
and answered, "Sir, the case is altered; I have other designs in my
head, and aim at greater matters, so that I must take another course;
for though hitherto I was at the foot of the ladder, in order to mount,
you must understand that my father has got up to the top of it." With
this I told how bravely he had died, at his full stretch; how he was
carved out, and served up as a feast to the birds of the air. That my
good uncle, the executioner, had sent me the whole account, and
acquainted me with my mammy's confinement; for I could be plain with
him, because he knew all my pedigree. He seemed to be much concerned,
and asked how I intended to bestow myself. I informed him of all my
resolutions and so the very next day he went away for Segovia, very
melancholy, and I stayed in the house, without taking the least notice
of my misfortune. I burned the letter, for fear it might be dropped, and
somebody read it, and began to provide for my journey to Segovia,
designing to take possession of what was my due, and to know my kindred,
that I might shun them.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHAP. VIII.
_My Journey from Alcalá to Segovia, and Happened by the way till I came
to Rejas, where I lay that Night._
At length the day came when I left the sweetest life I have ever known.
I cannot express how much it troubled me to leave so many friends and
dear acquaintance, for they were very numerous. I sold what little I had
got underhand, to bear my charges on the way; and with some tricks and
sleights of hand, made up about forty crowns, hired a mule, and left my
lodging, where I had nothing to leave behind. The Lord alone knows what
a hue and cry there was after me; the shoemaker roared for the shoes he
had trusted me with; the old housekeeper scolded for her wages; the
landlord fretted for his rent. One cried, "My heart always misgave me
that I should be so served"; another said, "They were much in the right
who told me that this fellow was a cheat."
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
In short, I was so generally beloved that I left half the town in tears
for me when I came away, and the other half laughing at those that
bemoaned themselves. I diverted myself with these thoughts along the
road, when having passed through the town of Torote, I overtook a man
riding on a he-mule, with a pannel. He talked to himself very rapidly,
and was so wrapt in imagination that he did not perceive me, though I
was close by his side. I saluted him, and he returned the courtesy; then
I asked which way he was travelling; and after a few such questions and
answers had passed between us, began to discourse about the Turks coming
down, and the king's forces. Then he began to lay a scheme for
recovering of the Holy Land, and the taking of Algiers; by which
discourse I perceived that he was mad upon politics and government. We
went on with our dialogue as became a couple of pleasant fellows, and
skipping from one subject to another, fell last upon Flanders. There I
hit his vein, for he fetched up a deep sigh, and said, "That country has
cost me more than it has done the king; for I have been upon a project
about these fourteen years, which were it not impracticable, as it is,
would have set all right there long ago." "What can that be," answered
I, "which is so convenient and useful, and yet at the same time
impracticable, and not to be put in execution?" "Who told you," replied
he, very hastily, "that it cannot be put in execution? It can be
executed, for its being impracticable is another matter; and were it not
for fear of being troublesome, I would tell you what is; but it will all
out; for I design very suddenly to print it, with some other small works
of mine, among which I propose to the king two several methods for
recovering Ostend."[12] I entreated him to acquaint me with them; and
he, pulling some papers out of his pocket, showed me a draught of the
enemy's works and of ours, and said, "Sir, you plainly see that all this
difficulty lies in this inlet of the sea; now, my contrivance is to suck
it dry with sponges, and so to remove that obstacle." This wild notion
made me burst into a loud fit of laughter, and he, looking me
earnestly in the face, went on, "I never showed it to anybody but has
done the same as you do, for they are all mightily pleased with it."
"Truly," replied I, "it is an extraordinary pleasure and satisfaction to
me to be acquainted with a design so novel and reasonable; but, Sir, be
pleased to consider, that when you have once sucked up the water that is
in it, the sea will throw in more." "The sea will do no such thing,"
answered he, "for I have examined it very nicely; besides that, I have
found out an invention to sink the sea twelve fathoms all about there."
I durst not make any objection, for fear he should say he had a project
to draw down the sky to us. In all my days I never met with such a
madman. He told me that Juanelo, a famous engineer, who brought water
from the river Tagus up a vast hill, to serve the city Toledo, had done
nothing; for he was now contriving to bring the whole river up to that
city a much easier way; and when he came to explain the method, it was
to be by a spell; pray do but mind whether ever such follies were heard
of in the world; but he went on, and added, "Yet I do not design to put
this in execution, unless the king will first settle a good estate upon
me, and knight me, for I am capable enough of that honour, because I
have good testimonials of my gentility." This rambling, wild discourse
lasted us to Torrejon, where he stayed to see a kinswoman. I went on
very well pleased, and laughing heartily at the projects he spent his
time in.
[Illustration]
I had not gone far before I spied at a distance a mule loose, and a man
by her a-foot, who looking into a book, drew some lines, and measured
them with a pair of compasses. He leaped and skipped about from side to
side, and now and then laying one finger upon the other, made several
extravagant motions. I must confess, that stopping at a good distance
some time to observe him, I at first concluded he was a conjurer, and
was almost afraid to go on. At last I resolved to venture, and drawing
near, he spied me, shut his book, and going to mount, his foot slipped
out of the stirrup and he fell. I helped him up, and he said, "I took
not the due proportion in rising, to make the half circumference of
mounting." I did not understand what he meant, but presently guessed
what he was, for a more extravagant distracted man was never born of a
woman. He asked whether I was going to Madrid in a direct line, or took
a circumflex road? Though I did not understand him, yet I answered,
"That by circumflex." Next he asked me whose sword that was by my side?
and having answered it was mine, he viewed it, and said, "That bar ought
to be longer, to ward off the cuts that are made upon the centre of the
thrusts." And thus he went on, sputtering out such a parcel of big
words, that I was fain to ask him what his profession was? He told me
that he was a solid master of the noble science of defence, and would
make it good upon any ground in Spain. I could not forbear laughing, and
answered, "By my troth, Sir, I rather took you for a conjurer, when I
saw you describing circles, and making such antic motions in the field."
"The reason of that," replied he, "was because there occurred to me a
thrust in quart, fetching the greater compass, to engage my adversary's
sword, and killing him before he can say his soul is his own, that he
may not discover who did it; and I was then reducing of it to
mathematical rules." "Is it possible," said I, "that the mathematics
should be concerned in that affair?" "Not only the mathematics," quoth
he, "but divinity, philosophy, music, and physic." "I do not question it
as to the last," said I, "since that art aims at killing." "Do not make
a jest of it," continued he, "for I will now teach you an excellent
guard, and at the same time you shall lay on the great cuts, which shall
contain the spiral lines of the sword." "I do not understand one word of
all you say," answered I. And he again, "Why, here you have them in this
book, which is called, _The Wonders of the Sword_.[13] It is an
excellent one, and contains prodigious things; and to convince you of
it, at Rejas, where we shall lie to-night, you shall see me perform
wonders with two spits; and you need not question but that whosoever
reads this book, will kill as many as he pleases." "Either that book
teaches men how to make plagues," replied I, "or it was written by some
doctor of physic." "What do you mean by a doctor?" replied he. "He is an
extraordinary wise man, and I could find in my heart to say more."
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
We held on this ridiculous discourse till we came to Rejas, and went
into an inn; but as we were alighting, he called out to me as loud as he
could, to be sure first to form an obtuse angle with my legs, and then
reducing them to parallel lines, to come perpendicularly to the ground.
The landlord seeing me laugh, did so to, and asked me, "Whether that
gentleman was an Indian, that he spoke in such a sort." I thought I
should have died with laughing between them; but he presently went up to
the host, and said, "Pray, Sir, lend me a couple of spits to make two or
three angles, and I will restore them immediately." "Lord bless me,
Sir," answered the host, "give me the angles, and my wife will roast
them in a trice, though they are a sort of birds I never heard the names
of before." "They are no birds," replied the other; and turning to me,
added, "Pray, Sir, do but observe the effects of ignorance. Let me have
the spits, for I want them only to fence with, and perhaps you will see
me do that to-day which may be worth more to you than all you have got
in your life." In fine, the spits were in use, and we were fain to take
up with two long ladles. Never was anything so ridiculous seen in this
world. He gave a skip, and said, "This sally gains me more ground, and
puts by my adversary's sword; now I make my advantage of the remiss
motion to kill in the natural way; this should be a cut, and this a
thrust." He came not within a mile of me, but danced round with his
ladle; now I standing still all the while, all his motions looked as if
he were fencing with a pot that is boiling over the fire. Then he went
on, saying, "In short, this is the true art, not like the drunken
follies of fencing-masters, who understand nothing but drinking." The
words were scarce out of his mouth before a great he-mulatto stepped out
of the next room, with a pair of whiskers like two brushes, a hat as big
as an umbrella, a buff-doublet under a loose coat, bandy-legged,
hook-nosed, and with two or three signs of the cross on his face, a
dagger that might have served Goliath, and a hanging look, and said, "I
am an approved master, and have my certificate about me, and by this
light I'll make an example of any man that dare presume to reflect upon
so many brave fellows as profess the noble science."[14] Seeing we were
likely to be in a broil, I stept in, and said, "He had not spoken to
him, and therefore he had no occasion to be affronted." "Draw your
sword, if you have ever a one," added he, "and let us try who has most
skill, without playing the fool with ladles." My poor wretched companion
opened his book, and cried aloud, "Here it is, as I say, in the book,
and it is printed by authority; and I'll maintain with the ladle that
all it contains is true; or else without the ladle, either here, or upon
any other ground; and if anybody does not believe it, let us measure
it." This said, he pulled out his compasses, and went on, "This is an
obtuse angle." The fencing-master drew his dagger, and replied, "I
neither know who is angle, nor who is obtuse; nor did I ever hear such
words before; but I'll cut you in pieces with this dagger in my hand."
He ran at the poor devil, who fled from him amain, skipping about the
house, and crying, "He cannot hurt me, for I have gained upon his
sword." The landlord and I parted them, with the help of other people
that came in, though I was scarce able to stand for laughing. The honest
madman was put into his chamber, and I with him. We supped, and all the
house went to bed. About two of the clock he got up in his shirt, and
began to ramble about the room, skipping and sputtering a deal of
nonsense in mathematical terms. He waked me and not satisfied with this,
went down to the landlord to give him a light, saying he had found a
fixed object for the cross pass upon the bow. The landlord wished him at
the devil for waking him; but still the other tormented him, till he
called him a madman, and then he came up and told me, if I would rise I
should see the curious fence he had found out against the Turks and
their scimitars, and added, he would go show it to the king
immediately, because it was very advantageous to Christendom. By this
time it was day, we all got up and paid our shot. We reconciled the
madman and the fencing-master, who went away, saying, "That what my
companion alleged was good in itself, but it made more men mad than
skilful at their weapon, because not one in a hundred understood the
least part of it."
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHAP. IX.
_Of what Happened to me on the road to Madrid with a Poet._
I held on my journey to Madrid, and my mad companion went off to go
another road; when he had gone a little way he turned back very hastily,
and calling on me as loud as he could, though we were in the open where
none could hear us, he whispered in my ear, "Pray, Sir, let me conjure
you, as you hope to live, not to discover any of the mighty secrets I
have acquainted you with, relating to the art of fencing, but keep them
to yourself, since you are a man of sound judgment." I promised so to
do; he went his way again, and I fell a-laughing at the comical secret.
I travelled about a league without meeting anybody, and was considering
with myself how difficult a matter it was for me to tread the paths of
virtue and honour, since it was requisite, in the first place, that I
should hide the scandal of my parents, and then have so much worth
myself as to conceal me from their shame. These thoughts seemed to me so
honourable, that I congratulated myself on them, and said, "It will be
much more honourable in me, who had none to learn virtue from, than in
those who had it hereditary from their predecessors." My head was full
of these ideas, when I overtook a very old clergyman riding on a mule
towards Madrid. We fell into discourse, and he asked me whence I came? I
told him, from Alcalá. "God's curse," said he, "on those low people,
since there was not one man of sense to be found among them." I asked
how could that be said of such a town, where there were so many learned
men? He answered, in a great passion, "Learned! I'll tell you how
learned, Sir! I have for these fourteen years last past made all the
songs and ballads and the verses for the bedels at Corpus Christi and
Christmas, in the village of Majalahonda,[15] where I am reader; and
those you call learned men, when I put up some of my works among the
rest, at the public act, took no notice of mine. And that you may be
sensible, good Sir, of the wrong they did me, I will read them to you;"
and accordingly he began as follows:
_Come, shepherds, let us dance and play_
_On great saint Corpus Christi's day;_
_For he comes down to give its thanks,_
_For all our kind and loving pranks._
_When we have drunk and made all even,_
_He flies back again to heaven._
_What he does there I cannot say,_
_Since here with us he will not stay._
_Come, shepherds, let us dance and play, &c._
[Illustration]
Having read this admired piece, which was too long to remember any more
of it, he proceeded: "Now, Sir, could the very inventor of doggerel
himself have said any thing finer than this? Do but consider what a deal
of mystery there is in that word _Shepherds_; it cost me about a month's
hard study." I could no longer contain myself within bounds, for I was
ready to burst, and so breaking out into a loud fit of laughter, I said,
"It is most wonderful; but I observe you call great saint _Corpus
Christi_, whereas _Corpus Christi_ is not the name of a saint, but a
festival instituted in honour of the blessed sacrament." "That's a
pretty fancy," replied he, scornfully, "I'll show you him in the
calendar, and he is canonized, and I'll lay my head on it." I could not
contend any more with him for laughing at his unaccountable ignorance,
but told him his verses deserved to be highly rewarded, for I had never
seen anything more comical in my life. "No?" said he; "then pray hear a
little of a small book I have written in honour of the eleven
thousand virgins. I have composed fifty stanzas, of eight verses each,
to every one of them; a most excellent piece." For fear of being
pestered with so many millions of his lines, I desired him to show me
anything that was not godly; and then he began to recite a comedy, which
had as many acts as there are days in a year. He told me he writ it in
two days, and that was the rough draught, and might be about half a ream
of paper. The name of it was _Noah's Ark_; the whole represented by
cocks and mice, asses, foxes, and wild boars, like Æsop's fables. I
extolled both the plot and the conduct; and he answered, "I ought not to
commend it because it is my own, but the like was never made in the
world, besides that it is altogether new; and if I can but get it acted,
there will be nothing so fine. All the difficulty lies in that, for if
it were not, could anything be so sublime and lofty? However, I have
contrived to have it all acted by parrots, jackdaws, magpies, starlings,
and all other sorts of birds as speak, and to bring in monkeys for the
farce." "That indeed will be very extraordinary," answered I. "All this
is nothing," replied the old man, "to what I have done for the sake of a
woman I love. Here are nine hundred and one sonnets, and twelve
rondeaux"--as if he had been reckoning up pounds, shillings, and
pence--"made in praise of my mistress's legs." I asked him whether he
had ever seen them? He replied he had not, on his word as a priest, but
that all his conceits were by way of prophecy. Though it was a diversion
to hear his nonsense, I must confess I dreaded such a multitude of
barbarous verses, and therefore endeavoured to turn off the discourse
another way, telling him I saw hares. "Then," cried he, "I'll begin with
one, in which I compare her legs to that creature." Still to bring him
off that subject, I went on, "Don't you see that star, Sir, which
appears by daylight?" "As soon as I have done with this," replied he, "I
will read you the thirtieth sonnet, where I call her a star, for you
talk as if you were acquainted with my fancies." It was such a vexation
to me to find I could name nothing but what he had writ some nonsense
upon, that I was all joy when I perceived we drew near Madrid, believing
he would then give over for shame; but it proved quite contrary, for as
soon as we came into the street, he began to raise his voice, to show
what he was. I entreated him to forbear, lest if the boys should once
get the scent of a poet, all the rotten oranges and cabbage stumps in
the town should come after us, in regard the poets were declared madmen,
in a proclamation set out against them, by one that had been of the
profession, but recanted and took up in time. This put him in a great
consternation, and he begged me to read it to him if I had it. I
promised him so to do when we came to the lodging-house; and accordingly
we went to one where he used to alight, and found at least a dozen blind
ballad-singers at the door. Some knew him by the scent, and others by
his voice, and all of them gave him a volley of welcomes. He embraced
them all, and then some began to ask him for verses on the day of
judgment in a lofty, bombastical style, that might provoke action;
others would have commemorations for the departed; and so the rest,
every one according to his fancy, giving him eight reals a-man earnest.
He dismissed them, and said to me, "I shall make above three hundred
reals of the blind men, and therefore, with your leave, Sir, I'll
withdraw for awhile now, to compose some lines, and after dinner we will
hear the proclamation read, if you please." Wretched life! for none are
more miserable than those madmen that get their bread by such as are as
mad as themselves.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHAP. X.
_Of what I did at Madrid, and what Happened to me on my way to
Cerecedilla, where I passed the Night._
The poet withdrew awhile to study profaneness and nonsense for the blind
ballad-singers till it was dinner-time, which being over, they desired
to have the proclamation read, and having nothing else to do at that
time, I drew it out and complied with their desires. I have inserted it
here, because I reckon it ingenious, and pat to the purposes mentioned
in it. It ran as follows:
A PROCLAMATION.
_Against Addle-headed, Numskull, and Dry-brained Poets._
The old poetaster laughed out very heartily when he heard this title,
and said, "I might have had business cut out till to-morrow; I thought
this had concerned me, and it is only against numskull poets." I was
mightily pleased with his conceit, as if he had been a Horace or a
Virgil. I skipped over the preamble, and began with the first article,
which was as follows:
In regard that this sort of vermin, called poets, are our neighbours
and Christians, though wicked ones, and considering they spend all their
days in worshipping of eyes, mouths, noses, and old ribbons and
slippers, besides many other abominable sins they are guilty of, we
think fit to direct and ordain, that all common halfpenny poets be
confined together against Easter, as lewd women are wont to be, and that
care be taken to convince them of their evil practices, and to convert
them; and to this purpose we do appoint monasteries of penitent poets.
_Item._ Observing the excessive heats and droughts in the dog-days,
caused by the abundance of suns, and other brighter stars, created and
produced by those high-flying poets, we enjoin perpetual silence as to
all heavenly beings, and appoint two months' vacation for the Muses, as
well as for the law, that they may have some time to recruit and recover
the continual charge they are at.
_Item._ Forasmuch as this infernal sect of men, condemned to eternal
flights, as murderers of good words and ravishers of sentences, have
infected the women with the plague of poetry, we declare that we look
upon this mischief done them as a sufficient revenge for the damage we
received from their sex at the beginning of the world; and to supply the
present wants and necessities the world now labours under, we do farther
ordain, that all the songs and other verses, made by poets in praise of
women, be burned like old lace, to take out the gold and silver they put
into their lady's hair and skins, and that all the oriental pearls,
rubies, and precious stones be picked out of them, since they are so
full of those rich metals and jewels.
Here the old poetaster was quite out of patience, and starting up in a
fume, cried, "They had even as good rob us of all we have. Pray, Sir,
let us have no more of it, for I design to reverse that judgment, and
remove the cause, not to chancery, for that would be a wrong to my coat
and dignity, but to the spiritual court, where I will spend all I am
worth. It would be very pleasant that I, who am a churchman, should put
up with that wrong. I will make it appear that an ecclesiastical poet's
verses are not liable to that proclamation, and to lose no time, I will
go and prove it in open court immediately." I could have laughed
heartily at him, but for the more expedition, because it grew late, I
said to him, "Sir, this proclamation is made only for diversion, and is
of no force, nor binding, as having no lawful authority." "A vengeance
on it," replied the old man, in a great heat, "you should have told me
so much before, Sir, and might have saved me all this trouble. Do you
consider what a thing it is for a man to have a stock of eight hundred
thousand songs and ballads by him, and to hear such a decree? Proceed,
Sir, and God forgive you for putting me into such a fright." Then I went
on thus:
_Item._ For that very many, since they left their ancient idolatry of
heathen gods and goddesses, still retaining some Pagan superstitions,
are turned shepherds, which is the cause that the cattle are withered up
with drinking nothing but their tears, and parched with the fire that
continually burns in their souls, and so charmed with their music, that
they forget to feed; we do ordain, that they quit that employment, and
that such as love solitude have hermitages appointed them, and the rest
be coachmen and watermen, because those are callings given to much mirth
and ribaldry.
"It was some scoundrel, cuckoldy whoreson," cried the mad rhymer, "that
contrived this proclamation; and if I knew the dog, I would write such a
satire upon him as should fret his soul, and all that read it. What a
pretty figure a smooth-faced man as I am would make in a hermitage? And
would it be fit for a person dignified as reader to turn coachman?
Enough, Sir, those jests are not to be borne with." "I told you before,"
said I, "that this is all a jest, and as such you may hear it." This
said, I proceeded:
_Item._ To prevent all wrongs, we do appoint that, for the future, no
verses be imported from France or Italy, or other foreign parts, whence
our poets steal, and pretend to make them their own; and that whatsoever
poet shall be found guilty of this offence, be obliged to wear good
clothes, and to keep himself clean and sweet for a week at least.
Our poet was very well pleased with this decree, for he wore a cassock
that was grey with age, and so ragged, that it was a wonder he could go
about without dropping in pieces. His gown and other accoutrements were
only fit to manure the ground, which made me smile. And I told him: It
is further ordained, That all women, who fell in love with mere poets,
should be reputed as desperate persons, who hang or drown themselves,
and as such never be buried in hallowed ground. And considering the
mighty crop of roundelays, sonnets, songs and ballads, these over-rank
years have produced, we do ordain, that all parcels of them, which have
escaped the grocers and tobacconists as unworthy those employments, be
sent to the necessary houses, without any appeal allowed them.
To conclude; I came to the last article which runs thus: However, taking
it into our pitiful consideration, that there are three sorts of persons
in the nation so very miserable that they cannot live without this sort
of poets, which are players, blind men, and ballad-singers; we do ordain
that there may be some journeymen of this profession, provided they be
licensed by the aldermen-poets of their wards; with this limitation,
that the players-poets shall not use any devils or conjurers in their
farces, nor conclude their comedies in matrimony; that the blind men
shall not sing dismal stories which happened at Jerusalem or Morocco,
nor patch up their verses with "eke also, and well a-day," and the like;
and, that the ballad-singers shall no longer run upon Gil and Pascual,
nor quibble upon words, nor contrive their songs so, that altering but
the names, they may serve upon all occasions. To conclude, we command
all poets in general to discard Jupiter, Venus, Apollo, and all the herd
of heathen gods and goddesses, on pain of having none but them to pray
by them on their deathbed.
[Illustration]
All that heard the proclamation read were highly pleased, and begged
copies of it; only the old man began to swear by his Bible, that it was
a satire upon him, because of what it contained concerning the blind
men, and that he knew what he did better than any man, and went on,
saying, "Do not mistake me, I once lay in the same house with Liñan, and
dined several times with Espinel, and was in Madrid as near Lope de Vega
as to any man in the room, and have seen Don Alonso de Ercilla a
thousand times, and have a picture at home of the divine Figueroa, and I
bought the old breeches Padilla left off when he became a friar, which I
still wear, though bad enough." These were all old Spanish famous poets,
with whom he pretended to be thus acquainted, as if the knowledge of
them would have made his nonsense the more tolerable. At the same time
he showed us the breeches, which set all the company into such a fit
of laughing, that none of them cared to leave the lodging. But it was
now two of the clock, and having to travel further, we left Madrid. I
took my leave of him, though unwillingly enough, and travelled on
towards the pass on the mountains.
It pleased God, to divert me from evil thoughts, that I met with a
soldier; we fell into discourse. He asked me whether I came from the
Court? I told him I only passed through the town. "It is fit for nothing
else," answered the soldier, "it is full of base people; by the Lord, I
had rather lie at a siege up to the waist in snow, expecting a kind
bullet, and half starved, than endure the insolencies they offer a man
of honour." I replied, he should consider that at Court there were
people of all sorts, and that they made great account of any person of
worth. He cut me off short, saying in a great passion, "Why, I have been
this half year at Court, suing for a pair of colours, after twenty
campaigns, and having shed my blood in the king's service, as appears by
these wounds." And at the same time he showed me a scar half a quarter
long on his groin, which was as plain a tumour as the light of the sun;
and two seams on his heels, saying, they had been shots; but I
concluded, by some I have of the same sort, that they had been
chilblains broken. He pulled off his hat to show me his face, where
appeared a long gash from ear to ear, and quite across his nose, besides
other smaller cuts, that made it look like a mathematical draught, all
of lines. "These," said he, "I received at Paris, serving my God and my
king, for whom I have had my countenance carved out and disfigured; and
in return, I have received nothing but fair words, which are equivalent
at present to foul actions. Let me entreat you, learned Sir, to read
these papers; for, by heavens, a more remarkable man, I vow to God,
never went into the field"; and he spoke truth, for he had marks enough
to be known by. With this, he began to pull out tin-cases, and to show
me a multitude of papers, which I believed belonged to another, whose
name he had borrowed. I read them, and said a thousand things in his
praise, pretending that neither the Cid nor Bernardo could compare with
him. He laid hold of what I said in a passion, and cried, "To compare
with me; by this light! no more can Garcia de Paredes, Julian Romero,
nor others as great as they! Damn all they did, there was no cannon in
their days. The devil take me, Bernardo would be a mere chicken now.
Pray, Sir, do you but inquire in the Low Countries about the exploit
performed by the person that wanted a tooth in front, and you will hear
what they say of it." "Are you the person, Sir?" said I. And he replied,
"Why, who do you think it was? Do you not see here is a breach in my
teeth? But let us talk no more of it, for it does not become a man to
praise himself." This discourse held us along till we overtook a hermit
riding on an ass, with a long beard like a brush, lean, and clad in
sackcloth. We saluted him as usual with the words _Deo Gratias_; and he
began to extol the corn on the ground, and in it the mercies of God. The
soldier immediately flew out, and said, "Father, I have seen pikes
charged against me thicker than that corn; and I vow to God, I did all
that man could do at the sacking of Antwerp, that I did by the Lord!"
The hermit reproved him for swearing so much, and he answered, "It is a
sign you were never a soldier, Father, since you reprove me for
exercising my calling." It made me laugh to hear what he made soldiery
to consist in, and perceived he was some scoundrel, who knew little of
that noble profession, but that infamous part most used by the scum of
those that follow it.
[Illustration]
We came at length to the pass in the mountains, the hermit praying all
the way on a pair of beads so big, it was a load; and every bead he
dropped sounded like a stroke with a mallet. The soldier compared the
rocks to the forts he pretended to have seen, observed what place was
strong, and where the cannon might be planted for battery. I had my eyes
fixed on them both, and was as much afraid of the hermit's monstrous
beads as of the soldier's extravagant lies. "How easily," said he,
"would I blow up a great part of this pass with gunpowder, and do all
travellers good service." Thus we came to Cerecedilla, and went into an
inn all three of us, after night-fall; we ordered supper, though it was
Friday, and in the meanwhile the hermit said, "Let us divert ourselves
awhile, for idleness is the source of all vice. Let us play for Ave
Marias;" and so saying, he dropped a pack of cards out of his sleeve. I
could not but laugh at that pleasant sight, considering the great beads;
but the soldier cried, "Let us have a friendly game as far as an hundred
reals will go I have about me." Being covetous, I said I would
venture the like sum, and the hermit, rather than disoblige, consented,
telling us he had about two hundred reals to buy oil for the lamp. I
must confess I thought to have sucked up all his oil, but may the Turk
always succeed as I did. We played at lanskenet, and the best of it was
he pretended that he did not understand the game, and made us teach it
him. He let us win for two deals, but then turned so sharp upon us, that
he left us bare, and became our heir before we were dead. The dog palmed
upon us so slily, it was a shame to see him; he would now and then let
us draw a single stake, and then double it upon us. The soldier, every
card he lost, let fly half a score oaths, and twice as many curses,
wrapped up in blasphemies. For my part, I was eating my nails, whilst
the hermit drew my money to him. He called upon all the saints in
heaven, and in short left us penniless. We would have played on upon
some little pledges, but when he had won my six hundred reals and the
soldier's hundred, he said that was only for pastime, and we were all
brethren, and therefore he would not meddle any farther. "Do not swear,"
said he, "for you see I have had good luck, because I prayed to God." We
believed him, as not knowing the sleight he had at packing the cards;
the soldier swore he would never play again, and so did I. "A curse on
it," cried the poor ensign, for he then told me he was so; "I have been
among Turks and infidels, but was never so stripped." The good hermit
laughed at all we said, and pulled out his beads again. Having never a
stiver left, I desired him to treat me at supper, and pay for our
lodgings till we came to Segovia, since he had cleared our pockets. He
promised so to do, devoured threescore eggs, the like I never beheld,
and said he would go take his rest. We all lay in a great hall among
other people, all the rooms being taken up before. I lay down very
melancholy. The soldier called the landlord, and gave him charge of his
papers in the tin cases, and a bundle of tattered shirts, and so we went
to sleep. The hermit made the sign of the cross, and we blessed
ourselves from him.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
He slept, and I watched, contriving how to get his money from him. The
soldier talked in his sleep about his hundred reals, as if they had not
been past retrieving. When it was time to rise, he called hastily for a
light, which was brought, and the landlord gave the soldier his bundle,
but forgot his papers. The poor ensign made the house ring, calling for
his services. The landlord was amazed, and everybody pressing that he
should give them, he ran out and brought three close-stools, saying,
"There is one for each of you, would you have any more?" (For in
Spanish, services is a polite word for a close-stool.) This had like to
have spoiled all, for the soldier got up in his shirt, with his sword in
his hand, and ran after the landlord, swearing he would murder him;
because he made a jest of him, who had been at the battles of Lepanto,
St. Quintin, and several others, and brought him close-stools instead of
the papers he had given him. We all ran after to hold him, and could
not, whilst the landlord cried, "Sir, you asked me for services; I was
not bound to know, that in the language of soldiers, they gave that
name to the certificates of their exploits." At length we appeased them,
and returned to our room. The hermit, fearing the worst, lay abed,
pretending the fright had done him harm; however, he paid our reckoning,
and we set out towards the mountain, very much disturbed at his
behaviour towards us, and much more for that we had not been able to get
his money from him.
We came up with a Genoese, I mean one of those bankers who help to drain
Spain of all its money. He was going up the mountain, with a servant
behind him, and an umbrella over his head, much like a rich usurer. We
fell into discourse with him, and still he turned it to talk of money,
for they are a people that seem born for nothing but the purse. He
presently fell upon Besançon, and to argue whether it were convenient or
no to put out money at Besançon. At last the soldier and I asked him
what gentleman that was he talked of? He answered, smiling, "It is a
town in Italy, where all the great money-dealers meet to settle the
exchange and value of coin." By which we understood that Besançon was
the great exchange of usurers. He entertained us on the way, telling he
was undone because a bank was broke in which he had above sixty thousand
ducats; and swore by his conscience to all he said, though I am of
opinion that conscience among traders is like a virtue among whores,
which they sell though they have none. Scarce any trader has any
conscience, for being informed that it has a sting, they leave it behind
them with the navel-string when they come into the world. We held on our
conversation till we spied the walls of Segovia, which was a great
satisfaction to me, though the thoughts of what I had endured under the
wicked Cabra, at the starving boarding-school, would have given a check
to my joy. When I came to the town, I spied my father waiting upon the
road, which brought tears to my eyes; but I went on, being much altered
since I left the place, for I began to have a beard and was well clad. I
parted from my company, and considering who was most likely to know my
uncle besides the gallows, I could not imagine whom to apply myself to.
I went up and asked several people for Alonso Ramplon, and nobody could
give me any tidings of him, everyone said he did not know him: I was
very glad to find so many honest men in my town. As I stood there, I
heard the common crier set up his note, and after him my good uncle
playing his part. There came a file of bareheaded fellows, naked to the
waist, before my uncle, and he played a tune upon all their backs, going
from the one to the other. I stood gazing at this sight, with a man I
had been inquiring of, and told him I was a person of high birth; when I
saw my uncle draw near, and he espying me, ran to embrace me, calling me
nephew. I thought I should have died for shame; I never looked back to
take leave of the man I was with, but went along with my uncle, who said
to me, "You may follow till I have done with these people, for we are
now upon our return, and you shall dine with me to-day." I, being
mounted on my mule, and thinking in that gang I should be but one degree
less exposed than those that were whipped, told him I would wait there,
and stepped a little aside, so very much out of countenance that had not
the recovery of my inheritance depended on him, I would never more have
spoken to him, or been seen in that place. He concluded his exercise,
came back, and carried me to his house, where I alighted, and we dined.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHAP. XI.
_The kind Entertainment I had at my Uncle's, the Visits I received; how
I recovered my Inheritance and returned to Madrid._
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
My worthy uncle was lodged near the slaughterhouse, at a water-seller's
house. We went in, and he said to me, "My lodging is not a palace, but I
assure you, nephew, it stands conveniently for my business." We went up
such a pair of stairs that I longed to be at the top, to know whether
there was any difference betwixt it and the ladder at the gallows. There
we came into such a low room that we walked about as if we had been all
full of courtesy, bowing to one another. He hung up the
cat-of-nine-tails on a nail, about which there were others with halters,
broad knives, axes, hooks, and other tools belonging to the trade. He
asked me why I did not take off my cloak and sit down? I answered, "I
did not use to do so." I cannot express how much I was out of
countenance at my uncle's infamous profession, who told me it was lucky
that I came at such a time, for I should have a good dinner, because he
had invited some friends. As we were talking, in came one of those that
beg money at the church-doors for the release of souls, in a purple gown
down to his heels, and rattling his questing box, said, "I have got
as much to-day by my souls as you have done by the rogues you flogged."
They made grimaces at one another; the wicked soul-broker tucked up his
long robe, discovering a pair of bandy legs and canvas breeches, and
began to shift about, asking whether Clement was come? My uncle told him
he was not, when at the same time in came an acorn thresher--I mean a
swineherd, wrapped up in a clout, with a pair of wooden shoes on. I knew
him by his horn he had in his hand, which had been more fashionable had
it been upon his head. He saluted us after his manner, and next to him
in came a left-handed squinting mulatto, with a hat that had brims like
an umbrella and a crown like a sugar-loaf; his sword with more guards
about it than at the king's hunting; a buff-doublet; and a face as full
of scars as if it had been made of patches stitched together. He sat
down, saluting all the company, and said to my uncle, "By my troth,
Alonso, Flat Nose and the Nailer have been well mauled to-day." Up
started he of the souls, and cried "I gave Flechilla, the hangman of
Ocana, four ducats, to put on the ass apace and play with a slender
cat-of-nine-tails, when I was fly-flapp'd there." "By the Lord," quoth
the mulatto, "I was too kind to the dog Lobrezno at Murcia, for the ass
went a snail's gallop all the way, and the rogue laid them on so, that
my back was all weals." "My back is virgin still," said the swineherd.
"To every hog comes his Martinmas," answered the beggar.[16] "I must say
that for myself," quoth my good uncle, "that of all whipsters I am the
man, who am true and trusty to these that bespeak me; these to-day gave
me five crowns, and they had a parcel of friendly lashes with the single
cat-of-nine-tails." I was so much out of countenance to see what good
company my uncle kept, that my blushes betrayed me, and the mulatto
perceiving it, said, "Is this reverend gentleman the person that
suffered the other day, and had a certain number of stripes given him?"
I answered, "I was none of those that suffered as they had done." With
this my uncle started up, and said, "This is my nephew, a graduate at
Alcalá, and a great scholar." They begged my pardon, and made tenders of
great friendship.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
I was quite mad to eat my dinner, receive what was due, and get as far
as I could from my uncle. The cloth was laid, and the meat drawn up in
an old hat, as they draw up the alms that is given in prisons. It was
dished up in broken platters, and pieces of old crocks and pans, being
dressed in a stinking cellar, which was still more plague and confusion
to me. They sat down, the beggar at the upper end, and the rest as it
fell out. I will not tell what we ate, but only that they were all
dainties to encourage drinking. The mulatto, in a trice, poured down
three pints of pure red. The swineherd seeing the cup stand at me, still
whipt it off, pledging more healths than we spoke words; no man called
for water, or so much as thought of it. Five good meat pasties were
served up; they raised the crusts, and taking a holy-water sprinkler,
said a short prayer for the soul to whom the flesh belonged. Then said
my uncle, "You remember, nephew, what I wrote to you about your father;
it now comes afresh into my mind." They all ate, but I took up only with
the bottoms, and ever since then I have retained the custom of saying a
prayer for the soul departed when I eat meat pies. The pots went round
without ceasing, and the mulatto and the beggar plied it so hard, that a
dish of scurvy sausages, looking like fingers of blacks cut off, being
set upon the table, one of them asked what they meant by serving up
dressed charcoal? My uncle by this time was in such a condition, up to
the throat in wine, with one eye almost out and the other half drowned,
that laying hold of one of the sausages, in a hoarse and broken voice,
he said, "By this bread, which is God's creature, made to his own image
and likeness, I never ate better black meat, nephew." It made me laugh
with one side of my mouth, and fret with the other, to see the mulatto,
stretching out his hand, lay hold of the salt-dish, and cry, "This
pottage is hot;" and at the same time the swineherd took a whole handful
of salt, and clapping it into his mouth, said, "This is a pretty
provocative for drinking." After all this medley there came some soup,
so orderly was our entertainment. The beggar laying hold of a porringer
with both hands, cried, "God's blessing on cleanliness;" and instead of
clapping of it to his mouth, laid it to his cheek, where he poured it
down, scalding his face and washing himself in grease from head to foot,
in a most shameful manner. Being in this miserable plight, he tried to
get up, but his head being too heavy, he was fain to rest with both his
hands upon the table, which was only a board set upon two tressels, so
that it overturned and begrimed all the rest; and then he cried that the
swineherd had pushed him. The swineherd seeing the other fall upon him,
scrambled up, and laying hold of his horn trumpet, beat it about his
ears. They grappled and clung so close together that the beggar set his
teeth in the swineherd's cheek, and both of them rolling on the ground,
made such a wambling in the swineherd's belly, that he cast up all he
had ate and drunk in the beggar's face. My uncle, who was the soberest
of all the company, asked who had brought so many clergy into the house?
Perceiving that they all looked through multiplying glasses, I parted
the two combatants, made them friends, and helped up the mulatto, who
lay on the ground maudlin drunk, and weeping bitterly. I laid my uncle
on his bed, who made a low bow to a tall wooden candlestick he had,
thinking it had been one of his guests. Next I took away the swineherd's
horn, but there was no silencing him after all the rest were asleep; he
was still calling for his horn, and said, "No man ever could play more
tunes on it, and he would now imitate the organ."
In short, I never left them till they were all fast asleep; then I went
abroad, and spent the afternoon in seeing the town; I passed by Cabra's
house, and heard he was dead, but never asked of what distemper, knowing
he could die of none as long as it was possible to starve. At night I
returned home, full four hours after I had gone out, and found one of
the company awake, crawling about the room on all-four to find the door,
and complaining he had lost the house. I raised him up, and let the rest
sleep till eleven at night, when they awaked of themselves, stretching
and yawning. One of them asked, "What a clock it was?" The swineherd,
who had not laid half his fumes, answered, "It was still afternoon, and
the weather piping hot." The beggar, as well as he could speak, asked
for his cloak, saying, "The distressed families had been long neglected,
the whole care of their souls lying upon his hands;" and thinking to go
to the door, he went to the window, where seeing the stars, he cried out
to the others, telling them, "That the sky was hill of stars at noonday,
and there was a mighty eclipse." They all blessed themselves, and kissed
the ground. Having observed the villainy of the beggar, I was much
scandalized, and resolved to take heed of that sort of men. The sight of
all these abominable practices made me the more impatient to be among
gentlemen and persons of worth. I got them all away one by one, the best
I could, and put my uncle to bed, who, though not foxed, was drunk
enough, and made the best shift I could myself, with my own clothes, and
some of the poor departed souls' that lay about the room. Thus we passed
the night, and in the morning I discoursed my uncle about seeing my
inheritance and taking possession of it, telling him I was quite tired,
and knew not with what. He stretched one leg out of bed, and got up; we
had much talk concerning my affairs, and I had enough to do with him, he
was so tipsy and dull. At length I prevailed with him to tell me of part
or my inheritance, though not all; and so he told me of three hundred
ducats my worthy father had got by sleight of hand, and left them in
custody of a decent woman, that was the receiver of all that was stolen
for ten leagues round the country. To be short, I received and pouched
my money, which my uncle had not yet drank out, nor consumed; and that
was very much, considering he was such a brutal man; but the reason was,
he thought it would serve me to take my degrees, and, with a little
learning, I might come to be a cardinal, which to him seemed no
difficult matter. When he understood I had the money, he said to me, "My
child, Pablo, it will be your own fault if you do not thrive and are not
a good man since you have a good example before you. You have got money,
and I will always be your friend, for all I have and all I earn is
yours." I returned him thanks for his kind offers. We spent the day in
extravagant talk, and in returning visits to the aforesaid persons. They
passed the afternoon playing at knuckle-bones, the same company--my
uncle, the swineherd, and the beggar, this last squandering the money of
the poor at a villainous rate. It was wonderful to see how dexterous
they were at it, catching them up in the air and shaking them up as they
fell on the wrist. Night came on, the guests went away, and my uncle and
I to bed, for he had now got me a quilt. When it was day, I got up
before he was awake, and went away, without being perceived, to an inn,
locking the door on the outside, and thrusting in the key at a cranny. I
went away, as I have said, to an inn, to hide myself, and wait the next
opportunity to go to Madrid. I left him a letter sealed up in the room,
wherein I gave an account of my departure, and the reasons that moved
me so to do, desiring he would make no inquiry after me, for I would
never see him more.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHAP. XII.
_Of my flight from Segovia, with what Happened to me by the Way to
Madrid._
A carrier was setting out that morning with a load from the inn for
Madrid. He had a spare ass, which I hired, and went before to wait for
him without the city gate. He came accordingly; I mounted, and began my
journey, and said to myself, "Farewell to thee for ever, thou knave of
an uncle, "dishonour of our family, stretcher of wind-pipes." I
considered I was going to Madrid, the Court of Spain, where, to my great
satisfaction, nobody knew me, and there I must trust to my ingenuity.
The first thing I resolved to do was to lay aside my scholar's habit,
and clothe myself in the fashion. But let us return to my uncle, who was
in a great rage at the letter I left him, which was to this effect:
"Mr. Alonso Ramplon.
"Since it has pleased God to show me such signal mercies, as to take
away my good father, and to order my mother to be conveyed to Toledo,
where I know the best that can come of her is to vanish away in smoke;
all I could wish for at present would be to see you served as you serve
others. I design to be singular in my family, for I can never make more
than one, unless I fall under your hands, and you carve me up as you do
others. Do not inquire after me, for I am in duty bound to deny the
kindred that is between us. Serve God and the king."
[Illustration]
It is impossible to express how, in all likelihood, he railed and swore
at me; but let us leave him there, and return to my journey. I was
mounted on a dappled ass of La Mancha, and wished with all my heart that
I might meet nobody; when on a sudden I discovered at a distance a
gentleman going a-pace, with his cloak hanging on his shoulders, his
sword by his side, close breeches, and boots on, altogether, to outward
appearance, genteel enough, with a clean starched band, and his hat on
one side. I conceived he was some man of quality that was walking, and
had left his coach behind him; and accordingly, when I came up, I
saluted him. He looked at me, and said, "It is very likely, good Sir,
that you travel more easy on that ass than I do with all my equipage."
Imagining he had meant his coach and servants he left behind, I
answered, "In troth, Sir, I reckon it more easy travelling than in a
coach, for though there is no dispute that you go very easily in that
you have left behind you, yet the jolting of it is troublesome." "What
coach behind?" replied he, much disturbed, and turning short to look
about him, the sudden motion made his breeches drop down, for it broke
the one point he had to hold them up; and though he saw me ready to
burst with laughing, he asked to borrow one of me. Perceiving he had no
more shirt than would come within the waistband of his breeches, and
scarce reach to acquaint his breech he had any, I replied, "As I hope
for mercy, Sir, you had best wait till your servants come up, for I
cannot possibly assist you, having but one single point to hold up my
own breeches." "If you are in jest, Sir," quoth he, holding his breeches
in his hands, "let it pass, for I do not understand what you mean by
servants." With this he went on, and was so plain in letting me know he
was poor, that before we had gone half a league together, he owned he
should never be able to get to Madrid, unless I would let him ride upon
my ass awhile, he was so tired with walking with his breeches in his
hands, which moved me to compassion, and I alighted. He was so
encumbered with his breeches, that I was fain to help him up, and was
much surprised at what I discovered by my feeling; for behind, as far as
was covered with the cloak, the hinder parts had no other fence against
the eyes and the air. He, being sensible of the discovery I had made,
very discreetly prevented what reflection I might make by saying, "All
is not gold that glitters, Sir Licentiate," giving me that title on
account of my long scholar's robe; "no doubt but when you saw my fine
starched band, and the show I made, you fancied I was the Lord knows
who.[17] Little do you think how many fine outsides are as bare within
as what you felt." I assured him upon my word that I had conceited much
different matters from what I found. "Why then, Sir," replied he, "let
me tell you, all you have seen as yet is nothing, for everything about
me is remarkable, and no part of me is truly clad. Such as you see me, I
am a real substantial gentleman, of a good family and known seat on the
mountains; and could I but feed my body as I keep my seat and gentility,
I should be a happy man. But as the world goes, good Sir, there is no
keeping up noble blood without bread and meat, and, God be praised, it
runs red in every man's veins; nor can he be a worthy person who is
worth nothing.[18] I am now convinced of the value of a good pedigree,
for being ready to starve one day, they would not give a chop of mutton
in the cook's-shop for mine; for they said it was not flourished with
gold letters; but the leaf gold on pills is more valuable, and few men
of letters have any gold. I have sold all to my very burial-place, that
nothing may be called mine when I am dead, for my father Toribio
Rodriguez Vallejo Gomez de Ampuero y Jordan lost all he had in the world
by being bound for others. I have nothing now left to sell but the title
of Don, and I am so unfortunate, that I can find nobody that has
occasion for it, because there is scarce a scoundrel now but usurps it."
Though the poor gentleman's misfortunes were intermixed with something
that was comical, I could not but pity him, asked his name, whither he
was going, and what to do? He answered with all his father's names, Don
Toribio Rodriguez Vallejo Gomez de Ampuero y Jordan. Never did I hear
such an empty sounding jingling name, or so like the clattering of a
bell, as beginning in _Don_ and ending in _dan_. He added, he was going
to Madrid, because a threadbare elder brother, as he was, soon grew
tainted and mouldy in a country town, and had no way to subsist; and
therefore he was going to the common refuge of distressed persons, where
there is room for all, and open house kept for wandering spongers: "And
I never want five or six crowns in my pocket," said he, "as soon as I am
there, nor a good bed, meat, and drink, and sometimes a forbidden
pleasure; for a good wit at Court is like the philosopher's stone, which
converts all it touches into gold." This to me was the most welcome news
I had ever heard; and therefore, as it were to divert the tediousness of
our journey, I desired him to inform me how, and by whom, he, and others
in his condition, could live at Court; for to me it appeared a very
difficult matter, because everyone there seemed so far from being
contented with his own, that he aimed at what belonged to others. "There
are many of all sorts," replied my spark, "but flattery is like a
master-key, which introduces a man wheresoever he pleases, in such great
places; and that you may not think strange of what I say, do but listen
to my adventures and contrivances, and you will be convinced of the
truth of it."
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHAP. XIII.
_In which the Gentleman pursues his Journey, and his promised Tale of
his Life and Condition._
[Illustration]
"The first thing you are to observe is, that at Court there are always
the wisest and the weakest, the richest and the poorest, and the
extremes of all other sorts. There the virtuous are concealed, and the
wicked not taken notice of; and there live a sort of people like myself,
who are not known to have any estates, real or personal, nor does it
appear whence they came, or how they live. Among ourselves we are
distinguished by several names, some are called gentlemen-mumpers,
others sharpers, others pinchguts, others barebones, and others
commoners; but in general we live by our wits. For the most part, we
cheat our guts of their due, for it is a very dangerous and troublesome
thing to live upon others. We are scarecrows at all good tables, the
terror of cook-shops, and always unbidden and unwelcome guests, living
like chameleons by the air, and so contented. When we happen to dine
upon a leek, we strut and look as big as if stuffed with capon.
Whosoever comes to visit us, never fails to find mutton and fowl bones,
and parings of fruit about the house, and the doors strewed with
feathers and young coney skins; all which we pick up over night, about
the streets, to credit us the next day. As soon as the friend comes
in, we fall into a passion, and cry, 'It is a strange thing that I can
never make this maid sweep the room in time. Good Sir, excuse me, for I
have had some friends at dinner, and these servants never mind their
business,' &c. Such as do not know us believe it, and think we have had
an entertainment. Next, as for dining at other men's houses, whensoever
we have spoke but three words with a man, we take care to know where he
lives, thither we are sure to make just at eating-time, when we know he
is at table; we tell him his conversation has so charmed us, that we are
not able to keep away, for he is the most taking person in the world. If
he asks whether we have dined, and they have not yet begun, we answer in
the negative. If they invite us, we never stay to be asked twice,
because those ceremonies have often made us go with hungry bellies. If
they have begun to eat, we say we have dined, and then, though the
master of the house carves up his fowl, or any joint of meat never so
dexterously, that we may have the opportunity of chopping up a mouthful
or two, we cry, 'By your leave, Sir, pray let me have the honour of
being your carver, for I remember (naming some duke or earl that is
dead, God rest his soul), used to take more delight in seeing me carve
than in eating.' This said, we lay hold of the knife, cut out curious
bits, and say, 'How deliciously it smells! It would be an affront to the
cook not to taste it; what a delicate hand she has at seasoning!' With
this we fall on, and down goes half the meat in the dish for a taste. If
there be bacon, we call it our delight; if mutton, the only thing we
love; if but a turnip, an excellent morsel; and so everything that comes
in our way is ever the thing that we most admire. If all this fails, we
are sure of the alms of some monastery, which we do not receive in
public among the beggars, but privately, endeavouring to persuade the
friars that we rather take it out of devotion than for want.
[Illustration]
"It is pleasant enough to see one of us in a gaming-house, how
diligently he attends, snuffs the candles, reaches the pots, fetches
cards, applauds all the winner says, and all this for a poor real or two
he gives him. We carry in our mind the whole inventory of our wardrobe
or ragshop, in order to dress us; and as in some places they observe set
times for prayer, so do we for mending and botching. It is wonderful to
see what variety of rubbish we lay up, and produce upon occasion. We
look upon the sun as our mortal enemy, because he discovers our darns,
stitches, and patches; and yet are forced to be beholden to him,
standing up with our legs wide open in the morning where he shines in,
to discover by the shadows on the ground what shreds or rags hang
between our legs, and then with a pair of scissors we trim the breeches.
Now that part betwixt the thighs being so apt to wear, it is very odd to
observe what gaps we make behind to fill up the forepart, so that very
often the posteriors are hacked away till they remain quite naked. Only
the cloak is privy to this secret, and therefore we are very cautious of
windy days, and of going upstairs that are light, or mounting
a-horseback. We make it our business to study postures against the
light; and if it prove a very bright day, we walk with our legs as close
as may be, and sit as if our knees were clung together, for fear lest we
open them the gashes may appear. There is nothing about us but what has
been another thing before, and may have a particular history writ of it;
as for instance, you see this waistcoat. Sir, it was once a pair of
wide-kneed breeches, grandchild to a short cape, and great-grandchild to
a long mourner's cloak, which was its first parent, and now it waits to
be converted into footing for stockings, and forty other things. Our
socks were once handkerchiefs, descended from towels, which had been
shirts, and those the issue of sheets; after all this, they are made
into paper, on which we write, and at last burn to make blacking for our
shoes, where I have seen it perform wonders, recovering many a pair that
was condemned as only fit for the dunghill. At night we never fail to
get at the greatest distance we can from the light, for fear of
discovering our threadbare cloaks and woolless coats, for there is no
more nap on them than is upon a stone; and though it pleases God to give
us hair on our faces, we have none on our clothes; and therefore, to
save the expense of a barber, we always contrive to stay till two of us
want trimming together, and then we scrape one another, following the
advice of the gospel, 'Be helpful to one another, like loving brethren.'
Besides, we always take care not to intrude into the houses of others,
for everyone keeps his own and timely notice is given to avoid
contention, being very jealous in the point of eating. It is an
indispensable duty among us to ride about all the great noted streets
once a quarter, though it be on an ass-colt, and once a year to go in a
coach, when we are sure to sit as close to the door as possible,
thrusting out our heads, bowing to all that pass by to be seen, and
talking to our friends and acquaintance, though they do not see or mind
us. If any unmannerly creature happens to bite us before ladies, we have
ways to scratch in public, without being taken notice of; for if it
happened to be on the thigh, we tell a story of a soldier we saw had a
shot through there, clapping our fingers on the place that itches, and
clawing instead of pointing. If it is in the church, and they sting on
our breasts, we beat them by way of devotion, though it be at a
christening; for the back, we lean against a pillar or wall, and rub it
there, as if we only stood up to observe something. To deal ingenuously,
as to the matter of lying, not one word of truth ever comes out of our
mouths. In all companies we run over a bead-roll of dukes and counts,
making some of them our friends, and others our relations, always
observing that those great men must be either dead or very remote. The
best of all is that we never fall in love, unless it be to earn our
bread; for by our constitutions, coy ladies, though never so beautiful,
are absolutely forbidden; so that we ever court a tripe-man for our
meat, the landlady for our lodging, the starcher for our band and other
necessaries; and though such slender diet makes us unfit to satisfy them
all, yet we keep them in good humour. Will anybody that sees the boots
on my legs believe they are upon the bare skin, without any stockings?
Or will any one that sees my curious starched band imagine I have no
shirt? Let me tell you, Sir, a gentleman may make a shift without those
things, but there is no living for him without a set starched band. This
is an outward ornament, altogether necessary to grace a man; and
besides, when he has turned it and wound it every way, the starch in it
will make him a mess as good as watergruel. In short, reverend Sir, a
gentleman of our stamp must go through all sorts of wants and hardships,
and that is the way to live at Court. Sometimes he flourishes and rolls
in plenty, and at another time he falls into an hospital; but still he
lives; and he who knows how to manage is a king, though he has never so
little."
I was so well pleased with the gentleman's strange ways of living, and
so much diverted with his relation, that I went on a-foot as far as
Rozas, where we lay that night. The squire supped with me, for he had
not one doit, and I thought myself beholden to him for his instructions,
because they led me into abundance of secrets, and put me into the way
of sharping. I acquainted him with my designs before we went to bed,
which he returned with a thousand embraces, telling me he had always
been in hopes since he met me that his words would work some good effect
on a person of my capacity. He offered me his service towards
introducing me at Madrid into the society of the tricking brotherhood,
and a lodging among them. I accepted of his kindness, without letting
him know what was my treasure in ducats, which was only an hundred
reals, which, with the kindness I had done, and was still continuing,
purchased his friendship. I bought him three points from our landlord;
he tied up his hose, we rested that night, got up early in the morning,
and away we went to Madrid.
END OF BOOK ONE.
[Illustration]
THE HISTORY OF THE
LIFE OF THE SHARPER
CALLED DON PABLO
THE PATTERN OF
VAGABONDS AND
MIRROR OF ROGUES.
[Illustration]