What sort of Creatures are they?_ They are, said I, brought up many
Years in the Study of the Laws, and pass a strict Examination, not only
as to their Knowledge, but their Morals, before they are admitted to the
Bar; which is the Reason, that we have no Tricks, no Delays, to weary
and ruine the poor Client who has a Right, but no Money; they come
directly to the Merits of the Cause, and never endeavour by their
Rhetorick to put a fair Face on a bad one; and not one, if his Client
does not deceive him, will appear on the Side of Oppression or
Injustice; and if he is himself impos'd upon, when he perceives it, he
will not defend the Wrong. This Care of examining into the Probity of
the Students, and Candidates for the Bar, is the Reason our Lawyers are
very near in as great Reputation as our Priests.
Do you know from what you have said, _Probusomo_, that I conclude
your Statesmen Fools, and that you will soon fall a Prey to some
other Nation; or you either very ignorant of your National Affairs,
or a very great Lyar; or otherwise think me easily impos'd upon. I
have been many Years at the Head of the _Cacklogallinian_ Affairs,
under our August Master, _Hippomina Connuferento_, Darling of the
Sun, Delight of the Moon, Terror of the Universe, Gate of Happiness,
Source of Honour, Disposer of Kingdoms, and High Priest of the
_Cacklogallinian_ Church. I have, I say, long, in Obedience to this
Most Potent Prince, acted as Prime Minister, and to tell me, that
such a one will baulk his Master's, or his own Interest, on the
Score of Religion; nay, in his publick Capacity, that he believes
one Word of it, or has Ears for Justice or Compassion, wou'd be the
same thing as telling me, a Flatterer, in his Encomiums has a strict
Eye to Truth, or that a Poet who writes in Praise of great Men,
believes them really possess'd of the Virtues he attributes to 'em,
and has no other View in his Epistle than that of edifying others,
by shewing the bright Example of his Patrons. My Business now calls
me to Court; the Emperor, as yet, has never heard of you: For
whoever dares acquaint him with any thing, without my Permission,
passes his Time very ill. To Morrow, I'll present you to His
Majesty.
He left the Room, and I retired to my Apartment, where none cou'd come
at me, but who pass'd thro' my Lord's, which was Death to do, or even
to fly within Twenty Yards of his House, without Permission. Nay, the
proudest among them, and those of the highest Rank alight at his
Outer-gate, and walk into the House.
The next Morning my Lord came into my Apartment:
"Well, _Probusomo_, said he, I intend this Day to present you to his
Imperial Majesty; and tho' you are of a Species hitherto unknown in
our Parts of the World, and are, for that Reason, look'd upon as a
kind of Monster, as perhaps one of us should be, were we to appear
in your Nation, yet I have observ'd some Points of Discretion in
your Behaviour, and I begin to have a Kindness for you, for which
Reason I intend to instruct you how to demean your self; and if you
are wise enough to act and be guided by the Counsels I shall
prescribe to you, while you are at Court, I can, in spite of your
awkard Form, get you naturalized, and then perhaps may prefer you to
some Charge in the Government, considerable enough to enable you to
pass the rest of your Days in Ease and Plenty.
"You that don't know what a Court is (_proceeded he_) should receive
some Idea of it before you enter there. You must first be informed,
that Emperors do not always trouble themselves with the Affairs of
State; for they sometimes pass their whole Lives in a continued
Round of indolent Pleasures, while their Favourites govern all. I
don't doubt but you have already made your Observation upon the
servile Crowd who attend my Motions, who wait upon my Commands, with
an Obsequiousness that perhaps is not practised in your Parts of the
World, betwixt Creatures of the same Species, yet many of them hate
me, as I do them,--perhaps you'll think this strange; but when the
secret Springs of this Attachment to my Interest come to unfold
themselves to you, which will soon happen, by the Observations I see
you are capable of making, your Admiration will cease. However, I
shall be a little particular in explaining some Matters to you, that
you may thereby be the better qualified to serve my
Interest.
"You must then know, that all this assiduous Court is not paid to my
Person, but to my Place. They know, that I not only hold the Reins
of the Government in my Hands, but keep the publick Treasure under
my own Eye, and that the Power of giving is only mine. It is not
their Love, but their Avarice, that makes them thus obedient to my
Nod; and the same Respect would be paid to the meanest of my
Domesticks, were such a one put in my Place.
"Their Hatred to me proceeds from various Causes. In some it is Envy,
because they think themselves affronted and injur'd by my great
Rise, as knowing themselves to be of greater Consideration in their
Country, and fancifying themselves themselves to be as well
qualified by their Parts. Others again are out of Humour, because I
do not comply with all their unreasonable Demands, their Luxury
always keeping them necessitous. Some of these are such as have
Parts enough to be troublesome; they are hard to be managed, and
indeed are the most dangerous Creatures I have to deal with. There
is a third Sort, who hate and oppose me, only because they love
their Country, but these I don't much fear, for their Party is very
weak at present.
"And since I am upon this Subject, I can't forbear observing to you,
that were it not for the Luxury of some, and the Folly of others, I
could never have stood my Ground so long, and executed those
Measures which I have brought about; and happy it is for a Person in
my Station (if he has any odd Measure in View) that many of the
upper Rank should happen to be Fools; I have myself kept several
Persons dancing Attendance after me, Year after Year, made them
maintain in publick Assemblies, that Nine was more than Fifteen;
that Black was White and a Hundred other things of equal Absurdity,
only by promising to stick a parti-colour'd Feather in their Tails;
and when this was done, it only made them the Scorn and Jest of
every thing of good Sense: Yet it answered my Purpose, and did not
hinder others of equal Folly from making Court for the same thing.
"Thus I have accounted with you why these People are subservient to
me, while they hate me; but I have not given you the Reason on my
Side for keeping up this Correspondence and Union with them, for
whom I have as little Esteem as they can have for me. Then, in a
Word it is, I can't do without them. This you'll easily comprehend
when you understand the Nature of our Government; for you'll know,
that this Power here is lodged in the many, not in the few: It is
they who can abolish old Laws, and make new; the Power of Life and
Death is in them, and from their Decrees there is no Appeal; and
tho' I do all, and command all, nay, command even them, yet the
Right is theirs, and they might exert it all times if they had
Virtue enough to break off their Correspondence with me.
"Things being in this Situation, no doubt, you'll think my
Establishment well fix'd; but I am not without my Fears and my
Dangers, and there is no judging of the Power of one in my Station,
by the Flattery that is paid him, for Flatterers take things
frequently by outward Appearances; and notwithstanding my arbitrary
manner of treating some Persons, my Safety is depending upon the
Breath of others, and I am obliged to pay a more servile Court to
some behind the Curtain, than is paid to me without.
"Those upon whom my Fate and Fortune depend, are the _Squabbaws_ of
the Court (the Reader is to understand, that this is a Name for
certain Females, who are maintain'd for the Emperor's Luxury and
Pleasure, and always sojourn at Court) and it is to their Avarice
that I owe my Grandeur, as well as its Continuance so long. There
was a Time, when I foolishly mistook my own Interest so far, as by
my Conduct to give some Offence to these _Squabbaws_ for which I
suffered a severe Disgrace: I then endeavour'd to shelter my self
among those who are stiled the Patriots, but they would neither
receive me into their Counsels, nor put the least Trust in me. I had
then Leisure to reflect on the Folly of this Conduct, and had Time
to compute how much I was a Loser, by putting on the Mask of the
Patriot and, I confess, it had such an Effect upon me, and gave me
such an Aversion to Patriotism, that I could never prevail upon
myself to do any thing for the publick Good ever since.
"I then immediately apply'd all my Thoughts towards making my Peace,
and there fell out a Chain of lucky Incidents, which happily brought
it about. One of these was the Death of several great Personages,
who were too mighty for me at that time in Rank and Dignity, and
whose Parts eclipsed mine in the Opinion of the Publick, tho' I
always thought otherwise.
"Their Deaths were so sudden, that the Emperor was puzzled whom to
chuse in their Places, (it being necessary they should soon be
fill'd up) and he had but a very small Acquaintance among his
People; so that he was under a kind of Necessity of throwing his
Affairs into my Hands, I having the Reputation of being pretty well
practised in certain Branches of his Revenues.
"I had Reason to suspect, that this new Preferment was not intended
as a Favour, and that I was to continue no longer in this Station,
than till some other Person more agreeable could be fix'd upon; but
in order to improve the Opportunity, I apply'd my self strenuously
to the Avarice of the _Squabbaws_, and gave with Prodigality; for I
bore in Mind my former Miscarriages. This had all its Effect; they
had never met with a Person so fit for their Purpose, and by these
Arguments they began to be convinc'd, that if another should be
preferr'd to my Place, they would be no Gainers by the Change.
"Since this good Understanding betwixt us, Matters have been so
managed, that no Person has had Access to the Emperor, but thro' my
Recommendation; so that my Enemies cannot fill his Ears with
Complaints of my Administration; and whenever I observe any Person
attempting to lay the State of Affairs before his Imperial Majesty,
the _Squabbaws_, by my Instructions, are to insinuate into the royal
Ear some Jealousies and Fears of that Person, that the Emperor may
forbid his Admittance; so that he only sees with my Eyes, and hears
by my Report.
"As this in a great Measure has render'd me safe against the Attempts
of my Enemies, yet I can't deny but that it has encreas'd their
Number, and furnish'd them with Matter to clamour against me; and
these Clamours have possess'd the Publick with a kind of an Aversion
to my Conduct, tho' they have not reach'd the Throne.
"But as it is not possible, but that the Officers of State belonging
to a great Emperor, of which there must be many in Number, must
sometimes have Opportunities of talking with him, I have taken Care
to prevent any Danger from thence, by chusing for those Posts Birds
of the weakest Capacities, altogether ignorant of the Affairs of the
Empire; for one in a high Station, who makes the publick Interest
subservient to his own, will never be safe, unless he takes Care,
that no Creature who acts with him, shall have any Sense except
himself. I am not the first who have laid this down as a Maxim; some
of my Predecessors began to practise it, as a necessary Piece of
Self-Defence. 'Tis true I have carried it a little further than
they, and with greater Reason, because I have not forgot in how bad
a Light I stood when _Fowls_ of Parts sway'd the publick Counsels,
with what Sagacity they saw thro' all my private Views and Designs,
and with what Facility they brought about my Disgrace; and
therefore, when I have discover'd in any of those concern'd with me
in Business, a fine Discernment, and a Genius for great Affairs, I
have from that Minute look'd upon such as dangerous, and for that
Reason either procured their Disgrace, or under the Pretence of
doing them Honour, prevail'd upon the Emperor to confer upon them
the Government of some distant Province, where they are removed too
far from the Imperial Counsels, to be able to do me any
Harm.
"But to come nearer to my present Purpose; my Design of placing you
at Court, is to serve as a Spy for me upon the _Squabbaws_; for my
Enemies, who have tried in vain all other Means to overturn me, may
perhaps at last attempt it that Way; and the Avarice of these
_Squabbaws_, which has hitherto been my Support, may one Time or
other (if I am not very vigilant) prove my Ruine. For if my Enemies
should bribe them, to be privately introduced to confer with the
Emperor, there is an End of my Reign; for I am not insensible, that
his Imperial Majesty has no Personal Affection for me, and it is his
own Ease and Indolence that hinders him from looking out for some
other Servant to supply my Place; for Alterations cannot be made
without some little Trouble.
"Be therefore vigilant for my Interest, as you value your own: Be
always quick in your Intelligence, watch every Step and Motion of
the _Squabbaws_, and acquaint me with every thing that passes in
their most secret Transactions. Let me know who are their Advisers,
their Favourites, their Companions; but above all, be quick in
informing me, if any Person should be admitted to confer with the
Emperor; and if possible, hear what is the Subject of their
Discourse. Your grotesque Form may recommend you to the _Squabbaws_;
for Animals sometimes become Favourites amongst us, only for the
Oddness of their Figure. They will say or do any thing before you,
because they will never imagine you capable of making any Remarks;
for the _Cacklogallinians_ have such a Notion, that no Creatures are
endued with Reason like themselves.
"But it will be necessary to instruct you in the Manner of making
your Address, when you enter the Court. You must remember then to
pay your Compliments to the _Squabbaws_, before you do to the
Emperor; and of these the _Vultuaquilians_ claim the Precedence to
those of our own Nation, particularly the bulkiest. It is the
Praftice here to do so, for the Emperor, as to what regards himself,
is no great Lover of Ceremony. The Form of addressing these
_Squabbaws_ has something in it very singular; but the servile
Manners of the _Cacklogallinians_ to those in any Power has made it
necessary to be comply'd with, and is the Cause that they now expect
it. You must make a low Obeisance to the Ground, at which time they
will turn their Backsides upon you, and spreading all the Feathers
of their Tails, give you an Opportunity of saluting them behind. You
will see the _Cacklogallinians_ of Figure and Rank pressing in,
endeavouring who shall be first in kissing the Posteriors of these
_Squabbaws_; and those upon whom they are graciously pleased to turn
their Backsides, and spread their Tails, return highly satisfied, as
if some extraordinary Honour had been conferr'd upon them; nay, I my
self am obliged to do it in as obsequious a Manner as any other,
every time I approach them."
When he had spoke these Words, a Servant came in to give him Notice,
that the Coach was ready. He ordered me to put on my Mantle, and attend
him: I did so, and he was pleased to do me the Honour to carry me with
him in his Coach. In the Way, he discoursed me upon several Subjects.
Among other things, it came into his Head to enquire of me, whether, in
the Parts of the World from whence I came, there were any such things as
Poets. I gave him to understand, that we had several who had been famous
in my own Country. He desired to know what kind of Persons they were: I
answered him, they were the faithful Registers of the glorious Actions
of great Men, whose Praises they sung, in order to stir up others, by
their Examples, to the Practice of Vertue, and Love of their Country;
and that as it required a great Genius, and fine Understanding, to be a
good Poet, they were, for that Reason, highly caressed by the Great, and
their Works so well paid for, that it was as rare to see a Poet poor, as
a Minister of State grow rich by his Employment. This I said, as well
out of Regard to Truth, as for the Honour of my Country. He appeared
pretty much surpriz'd at this Account of our Poets, and told me theirs
were of a different Character, and met with a different Fate; for they
were but little regarded by any great Birds, except the Vain and the
Silly, who wanted a little Flattery, for which they paid some small
Gratuity, while they wou'd not accept of them as Companions; for it was
not fashionable for those of Figure to converse with any thing inferior
to them in Wealth or Quality, which was reputed to have Sense: On the
contrary, when they receiv'd such for Companions, it was upon the
Account of their being either _Buffoons_ or _Pandars_; and this he was
pleased to say was the Fashion.
He also confess'd to me, that he himself never had any great Regard for
that Sort of Persons, which he own'd he sometimes had Reason to repent;
for he found that by their Verses and Discourses, they influenced the
Publick very much, by whom they were look'd upon with more Esteem, than
by the Courtiers; and that his Enemies had made a proper Advantage of
his Contempt of them; for they had taken the most ingenious amongst
them into their Party, and exasperated them against him; so that
their Compositions had kept up a Spirit against him, and he had the
Mortification of seeing the People always receive with Pleasure any
thing that exposed and satyriz'd his Conduct. That indeed in his own
Defence, he had imploy'd some others to chant his Praise; but they
were such wretched Poetasters, and did it so awkardly, that their
Performances prov'd more bitter Invectives than the Satyrs of
the others; for whenever there happen'd the least Flaw in his
Administration, he was sure to receive congratulatory Verses immediately
upon it; and that was the Time they chose to proclaim the Happiness the
Subject enjoy'd by his wise Management: And they carried this Matter to
such a ridiculous Height, that there was not a Vice or a Folly, that
either he or any of his Family were remarkable for, but they were
prais'd for the contrary Vertues and Accomplishments.
By this Time we arriv'd at the Gates of the Palace; for the Coach being
drawn by Six Ostriches, we were but a little Time upon the Way; and
mounting the great Stair-case, without being any way molested by the
People's Curiosity (for the Moment my Lord appear'd every Fowl of what
Quality soever, clapp'd his Beak to the Ground, and did not alter that
Posture till he was past) he bid me stay in the Anti-chamber till sent
for, and went himself into the Presence. He had not been there five
Minutes, before I heard that Door open, and a Jay with a strait-body'd
Coat, which button'd on his Breast, and thro' which his Wings and Legs
pass'd, came hopping into the Room where I was, surrounded by the
Courtiers, who view'd me with Surprize, but were so well bred as to
whisper their Sentiments of me. This impertinent Jay peck'd 'em by the
Legs, or pull'd 'em by the Crown-feathers, without Distinction: Nay, I
saw some _Cacklogallinians_ of the great Order, whose Heads he could not
reach, stoop to him, and beg he would do them the Honour to pull their
Crowns. Every one shew'd him Respect, and made way for him to come up
to me; he view'd me some time, and then peck'd me by the Finger; for he
did not reach higher than my Hand, when it hung down. I returned the
Compliment with a Wherret of my Fist, which knock'd him over, and had
cost me my Life, durst any have struck in the Palace. There was a
terrible Uproar, and I was apprehensive, that I should pay dear for my
Resentment; but the Emperor to whom my Lord was then giving an Account
of me, being inform'd, that the Impertinence of the Jay had caus'd the
Disturbance, he order'd him to be carried to the Guard, that he should
be lock'd up for three Days, and take two Purges and a Vomit (for
Criminals not guilty of Capital Crimes, are punish'd by a Number of
Vomits or Purges, which are more or less, according to the Vileness
of the Fact) I was called into the Presence-chamber, where I made my
Compliment as instructed, and then address'd my self to the Ladies,
giving the Precedence always to the bulkiest, according to my
Instructions. The first _Squabbaw_ whom I address'd my self to, was
about Seven Foot round; her Crop hung within Six Inches of the Floor,
which I have since learn'd is a particular Beauty; the Effluvia of her
Body were extreamly strong, and oblig'd his Imperial Majesty, when she
spread her Tail to me, to smell to an Aromatick Leaf.
This Prince, tho' of a very advanced Age, has been represented, both
by the Reports of his Ministers, and others, as a Person of great
Incontinency, in which I think he was injured; for tho' he pass'd
most of his private Hours only in the Company of the _Vultuaquilian
Squabbaws_ (so call'd from the Province where they were born) he did it,
partly because of his long Accquaintance with them, and partly to hinder
the too frequent Visits of the first Minister, who scarce ever came into
his Presence, but to importune him, for new Grants and Promotions for
Himself and Family; and as to the _Cacklogallinian Squabbaws_, he
sometimes admitted them to please their Husbands and Relations, who
flatter themselves with an imaginary Honour, to have their Wives and
Daughters near him. I have good Grounds for what I advance; for I was
Five Years in his Court, and frequently convers'd with his _Squabbaws_.
This won't I hope, be thought a piece of Vanity in me, when the Reader
reflects, that I was look'd upon as a Monkey is with our
Ladies.
The Emperor was highly delighted with the Present his Minister made him,
and order'd all possible Care to be taken of me. My Lord told him I
might be as useful to his Majesty as my Make was curious, for he found
me very intelligent, learning the Languages with great Facility, and
that it was possible I might be serviceable in extending his Dominions,
by bringing that Part of the World, which my Species inhabited, in
Subjection to his Imperial Majesty.
_Have they_, said the Emperor, _any Gold among them?_ I took the
Liberty of assuring his Majesty, that we were the richest Nation in the
Universe; that by our Trade, which never was so flourishing as at this
Time, we brought in immense Quantities of that valuable Metal, and that
we suffer'd none to be exported. _It may then_, replied his Majesty, _be
worth our while, one Day to think of this._
The Emperor order'd me to be conducted to an Apartment, and Leave was
given to all the _Vultuaquilian_ first, and _Cacklogallinian_ Quality,
to see me the next Day. I had every thing I could wish provided for me,
and a Month after I had been at Court, I had the Liberty of the Palace,
and the Emperor would often call me into his Closet (as he found I was
not ignorant in Arithmetick) to help him weigh and count his Wedges of
Gold, and set down the Number, Weight and Value of each Piece; for this
was a Diversion in which he amused himself.
This Prince was not very curious, for in the five Years I was in his
Court, he scarce ever asked me one Question concerning the _Europeans_;
nor was he in one Respect the Bubble of his Favourites, for I never saw
him give one Piece of Gold to any of them, even the _Squabbaws_.
The Grandees, who perceived me grow in Favour so far, as that the Jay
was turn'd out of Court for his Sawciness to me, which he redoubled
after his having been confined, strove who shou'd shew me the most
Respect, and make me the greatest Professions of friendship. They not
only offer'd me their Purses, but even their Wives and Daughters, whom
they often left with me and whose Immodesty has often put me to the
Blush. Nay, a _Boutofallalian_, a Title answering to our Duke, told me,
if I continued this Shyness, and would not do him the Honour to pass now
and then an Hour with his Lady, he shou'd not take me for his Friend;
and leaving her with me, he lock'd the Door.
Her Grace was as generous as her Spouse; and when I urg'd the Difference
of our Species, she said, she was satisfied that wou'd be no Impediment,
by what she had seen, for I had indeed no other Covering than a Mantle,
and both his Majesty and his _Squabbaws_ took a Pleasure to teaze me, by
pulling it off, and leaving me naked in a full Circle. In short, I was
forc'd to save my self by the Window being on a Ground Floor, after all
my Excuses were to no Purpose: But fearing the Lady's Resentment, I
begg'd the Minister, exaggerating her Husband's Merits, to give him a
Pension, and I my self carried and delivered the Grant to her Grace,
which made my Peace with both.