Produced by Juliet Sutherland and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
[Illustration: © Brown Bros.
ON HER WEDDING DAY
The greatest charm of the bride's costume lies in its simplicity]
BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
BY
LILLIAN EICHLER
VOLUME I
ILLUSTRATED
NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.
GARDEN CITY NEW YORK
1924
COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY
NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES
PREFACE
Success without culture is like old-fashioned strawberry short cake
without the whipped cream. It has no flavor.
There are certain little courteous observances, certain social
formalities that bespeak the true lady, the true gentlemen. Some of us
call it good form. Some of us call it culture. Some of us call it
etiquette. But we all admit that it makes the world a better place to
live in.
In Italy, young men and women are considered _ben educato_, not when
they can read and write, but when they know the established forms of
convention--when they can show by a correct dignity and ease of manner
that they are perfect in their knowledge of the rules of good society.
And, after all, don't you yourself judge people by what they do, and
say, and wear? Don't you read in their manner and appearance the secret
of their inner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed in the
outer personality?
Perhaps you have heard the story of the "gentleman" who prided himself
on being perfect in the art of etiquette. On one occasion, he passed a
lake and heard a drowning man call for help. Quickly he threw off his
coat and was about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly
remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim.
Putting on his coat again, he proceeded on his way quite
self-satisfied.
This is an instance where common-sense would have been the better part
of etiquette. Too rigid an observance of the laws of good society makes
them nothing short of an absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is
not to enable us to strut about in society and command the admiring
glances of the people around us--as the peacock, in its vanity, parades
before onlookers in a proud dignity that is quite obviously assumed.
The true service of etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the
social life that we are able to do what is absolutely correct and right
without even stopping to think about it.
That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE--to give to the
reader so clear and definite an understanding of the social life that
he will be able to have at all times, under all conditions, that
unaffected grace and charm of manner that the French like to call
_savoir faire_. It has been written, not for the exceedingly
ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain
sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct--sincere men and women
who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that
there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with
those around them.
If the following chapters awaken in the reader the desire for closer
companionship with the vast world of human nature, of which we are all
a part; if it takes from his nature all that is coarse, awkward and
unrefined, substituting instead a gallantry of spirit and a gentleness
of breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a more lovable
person--then THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE will have served its purpose.
Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith, without whose
coöperation this book would never have been written.
_Lillian Eichler._
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
PART I
I. INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 1
What is Etiquette?--Laws of Society--Control of the Impulses--Regard
for the Rights of Others--The Danger of Intolerance--Why it Pays to
Be Agreeable--The Simplest Culture.
II. ETIQUETTE'S REWARD 11
The Origin of Manners--The Manners of To-day--Good Society in
America--The True Lady and Gentleman--The Secret of Social
Success--What Manners Will Do for You--Etiquette's Reward.
III. ENGAGEMENTS 20
Of Special Importance--The Proposal--The Engagement Ring--Announcing
the Engagement--The Most Usual Method--Announcing an Engagement in
the Newspapers--Engagement Gifts--Bridal Showers--Length of the
Engagement--Responsibility for the Wedding--Families and Friends.
IV. WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 31
The Wedding Invitation--Size and Material--Kinds of Envelopes--
Addressing the Envelopes--Invitations to Church Wedding--Invitation
to Home Wedding--Wedding in a Friend's Home--When Cards are Enclosed
--Invitations to Second Marriages--Invitation to Wedding Anniversary
--Informal Wedding Invitation--Acknowledging the Formal Wedding
Invitations--Whom to Invite--Sending the Invitations--Recalling
the Wedding Invitation--Breaking an Engagement--Returning Gifts--
When Death Intervenes.
V. WEDDINGS 49
The Church Wedding--Attendants--The Bridesmaids--Rehearsals--
Regarding the Ushers--The Wedding Day--Arriving at the Church--
Wedding Music--The Wedding Procession--The Ceremony--Leaving the
Altar--Rice, etc.--The Wedding Reception--The Wedding Breakfast--
The Wedding Present--Acknowledging Wedding Presents--The Home Wedding
--The Second Wedding--Some Important Conventions--Seeking Advice--
Wedding Anniversaries--The Silver Wedding--The Reception--Tin and
Wooden Weddings--The Golden Wedding--The Golden Wedding a Glorious
Achievement.
VI. THE BRIDE'S OUTFIT 73
Origin of the Trousseau--The Trousseau of To-day--About the Linens
--For the Bride--The Wedding Dress--The Bride's Veil--Wedding
Flowers--Dress of the Maid of Honor--Marrying in Traveling Dress.
VII. FUNERALS 83
Funeral Customs--The Funeral of To-day--When Death Enters the
Family--Taking Charge--Announcing the Death--Some Necessary
Preparations--The Ladies of the Family--The Pall-Bearers--Duties
of Pall-Bearers--The Church Funeral--Order of Precedence--The
House Funeral--A Point of Importance--Removing Signs of Grief
--Seclusion During Mourning--Dress at Funerals--Interment and
Cremation--Mourning Dress--Mourning Dress for Men--Mourning
Stationery.
VIII. CHRISTENINGS 104
Announcing the Birth of the Child--Responding to the Announcement--
Godparents--Invitations to a Christening--A Church Christening--The
House Christening--After the Baptism--Gifts.
PART II
I. INTRODUCTIONS 113
Purpose of the Introduction--Creating Conversation--When to
Introduce--Importance of Care--Special Introductions--When the
Name Isn't Heard--The Correct Introduction--Group Introductions--
The Chance Introduction--Incomplete Introductions--Indirect
Introductions--The Acknowledgment--Forms of Acknowledgment--
Future Recognition of Introduction--Introducing at Dinner--
Introducing at the Dance--Introducing at Receptions--Speaking
without Introduction--Introducing Children--Cordiality in
Introductions.
II. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION 135
The Letter of Introduction--Presenting the Letter--Acknowledging
a Letter of Introduction--Model Letters of Introduction--The
Card of Introduction--Business Introductions.
III. CALLS AND CALLING CUSTOMS 142
The Beginning of Social Calls--When Calls are Made--The Proper
Length of a Call--The Day at Home--Dress for Calls--Paying the
First Call--Calls of Obligation--About Returning Calls--The
Call of Condolence--The Call of Congratulations and Inquiry--
The Social Calls of Men--The Invalid's Call--Asking a New
Acquaintance to Call--The Woman's Business Call--Receiving
Calls--Duties of the Hostess--Receiving the Chance Caller--
When the Host is at Home--Taking Leave of the Hostess--The
Evening Call--When Gentlemen Receive Callers--Making a Chance
Call--Informal Calls.
IV. VISITING CARDS--AND OTHERS 165
Your Card a Representative of You--General Rules Regarding Cards
--Size of Cards for Women--Size and Material of Cards for Men--
Titles on Cards for Women--Cards for Widows--The Young Lady's
Card--Indicating the Day at Home--The Married Couple's Card--
Using Jr. and Sr.--Titles on Cards for Men--Professional Cards
for Men--Cards for Mourning--When the Woman Goes a-Calling--When
More than One Card is Left--Some More Points About Calls and
Cards--The Chance Call--Simple Card-Leaving--Should a Stranger
Leave Cards?--Cards and Business Calls--When a Man Leaves Cards
--The Man's Chance Call--About Leaving and Posting Cards--Leaving
Cards of Inquiry--Acknowledging Cards of Inquiry and Condolence
--Announcement Cards--When Traveling--P.P.C. Cards.
V. INVITATIONS 198
Some General Rules--Invitation to a Formal Dance--Accepting the
Invitation--For the Informal Dance--The Dinner Dance--The Début
Dance--Invitations for the Subscription Dance--Acknowledging
Subscription Dance Invitations--Invitation to Public Ball--
Requesting an Invitation--The Dinner Invitation--In Honor of
Celebrated Guests--The Acknowledgments--For the Informal Dinner
--When the Dinner is Not at Home--The Daughter as Hostess--
Inviting a Stop-Gap--To Break a Dinner Engagement--Invitations
for Luncheons--Acknowledging the Luncheon Invitation--The
Informal Invitation--Reception Invitations--Reception in
Honor of a Special Guest--Invitations to Garden Parties--
Acknowledging the Garden Party Invitation--House or Week-End
Parties--The "Bread-and-Butter" Letter--Invitations to the
Theater and Opera--Invitations to Musicales and Private
Theatricals--Children's Party Invitations--Invitations to a
Christening--A Word of Special Caution.
VI. CORRESPONDENCE 235
To-day and Yesterday--The Letter You Write--The Business Letter
--Function of the Social Letter--The Etiquette of Stationery--
Letter and Note Paper--Crests and Monograms--Use of the Typewriter
--Regarding the Salutation--Closing the Letter--Addressing the
Envelope--Letter of Condolence--Acknowledging a Letter of
Condolence--Etiquette of the Friendly Letter--The Child's
Letter--Letters to Persons of Title.
VII. PARENTS AND CHILDREN 254
The Home--Appearance of the House--Dress--Dress for Children--
Children and Development--Know Your Children!--Imitation--The
Child's Speech--At the Table--Playmates--Children's Parties--
Planning Surprises--Receiving the Young Guests--About the
Birthday Party--When the Young Guests Leave--Children's
Entertainments Away from Home--Children and Dancing--A Word
to Parents--Amusements--Let the Child be Natural--The Young
Girl--The Girl's Manner--The Chaperon--The Young Country Miss
--The Girl and Her Mother--For the Shy and Self-Conscious--
Forget About Yourself--Why the Shy are Awkward--Self-Confidence
Versus Conceit--Country Hospitality--Importance of Simplicity--
The Hostess--The Guest--For Country Folks--The Endless Round of
Hospitality--When to Invite--The Guests and Their Duties--
Addressing Titled People.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
ON HER WEDDING DAY _Frontispiece_
PAGE
CHURCH DECORATED FOR A FORMAL WEDDING 62
AN ALTAR FOR A HOME WEDDING 142
DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH 190
PART I
"_The power of manners is incessant--an element as unconcealable as
fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a
republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners
which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have
them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though
without beauty, or wealth, or genius._"
--_From Emerson's Essays_.
BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE
WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?
At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began
to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of
good taste, that "there were no ladies present." General Grant, who was
acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are
gentlemen"--and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.
What is a gentleman? The question is an old one. It cannot be ancestry,
for often the son of most noble and honored parentage is merely a
coarse compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman,
It cannot be dress--for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world
loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and
brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common
thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the
name of gentleman.
No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or
wealth--something that is nobler and finer than any, or all, of these.
Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true
etiquette can mean:
Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from
a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little
fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up
with a smile and said, "I was, sir--before you passed."
The word _etiquette_ itself does not mean very much. It comes from
the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of
court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person
presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected
culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the
pride and inspiration of refined living.
LAWS OF SOCIETY
Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that
opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness.
Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the
really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules
we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and
charm, the world reads and understands our ideals.
There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness--which
is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner
that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And
it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that
this social happiness can ever be attained.
In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is
necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and
speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and is
perfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the
street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater--every day people are
reading the story of our characters and ideals.
Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed
before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be
followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are
conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance,
in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the
dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the
theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be
admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most
brilliant minds.
Etiquette is an art--the art of doing and saying the correct thing at
the correct time--the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand,
no matter how exacting the circumstance. And like music or painting or
writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its
principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded.
CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES
The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative.
His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and
tranquillity that the French admiringly call _sang froid_. He knows how
to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his
self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged
or eager.
Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding
is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of
himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly
enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes
excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives
the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may
be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.
Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist
and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior
man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that
swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the
whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking
characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They
have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no
place in the social life.
We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But
the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses,
so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed.
It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to
show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some
circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.
Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of
etiquette--breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a
rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The
gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is
displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her
speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening,
or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned
it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing
absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one
acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner.
REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS
William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says,
"Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results
from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the
feelings of anybody else. The sincere desire to bring the greatest
pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards
making our manners more polite and courteous."
The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well-bred, tries to make
everyone happy and at ease. It is only the exceedingly vulgar person
who finds pleasure in hurting the feelings of the people with whom he
comes into contact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poor a
person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to be--as a fellow-being
he is entitled to a hearty sympathy and respect. Both servility and
arrogance are ungentlemanly. Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere
regard for the rights of one's companions are the distinguishing marks
of a fine character.
THE DANGER OF INTOLERANCE
There is no room for intolerance in the social world. To be honored,
respected, one must have a certain friendliness of spirit. The
_gentleman_, the _lady_ treats everyone, from the lowliest beggar to
the most distinguished personage with consideration. It is only the
man who is unpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is as
courteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as to his equals,
that fully deserves the name of gentleman.
The author recently chanced to witness an amusing incident which might
be of value to repeat here. It shows forcibly how important the little
things are, and how they reveal to the gaze of the world the true story
of our actual worth:
An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by his lordly and
self-satisfied manner that he was accustomed to travel about in his own
car, was on one occasion forced to ride home in the subway. It was rush
hour, and thousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to get home.
The man impatiently waited his turn on a long line at the ticket
office, constantly grumbling and making it disagreeable for those about
him. When he finally did reach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill
in payment for one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at the
window counting and recounting his change while the people behind him
anxiously awaited their turn. When at last he did move away, he had a
half smile, half frown of smug and malicious satisfaction on his face
which, interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said that he now
felt repaid for having had to travel in the same train with them.
This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit,
was very far from being a gentleman. The shabby young man behind him,
who also offered a bill in payment for his ticket, but stepped quickly
to one side to count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man
behind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the one who
maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, kept the long line
waiting.
The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his fashionable
clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his regard for the rights of
others. It is the little kindnesses that count--and the instinctive
recognition of the rights of others. As England's inimitable J. M.
Barrie has so aptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of
others cannot keep it from themselves."
WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLE
Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to
do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that
will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is
eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech.
The answer is: to make one's own life happier--to bring into it a new
sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the
mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness
and vulgarity.
For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition,
complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees
only the shadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted.
Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have
nothing to do with him. He lives his own life--his ill-bred,
complaining, gloomy, companionless life--an outcast from that better
society of which we all long to be a part.
Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is always
cheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind
and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise--a wholesome, happy,
undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The
person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom
happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency
for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of
coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it
because it already exists in his mind.
And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the
financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks
that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple
understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring
agreeableness of mind and spirit--the world will have none of him.
The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice,
real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to
offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of
pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be
taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be
appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest
adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a
friend.
But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire
to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights
of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where
once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty
and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are
words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and
understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and
unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite.
THE SIMPLEST CULTURE
Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like huge magnets, and we tend
to attract those things which we ourselves send out. If we are coarse
and unrefined, we attract to our company those people who are also
coarse and unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful of the
rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable to us, and
unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we are kind and agreeable,
we are bound to meet and attract people of the same kind.
There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child, in which the
simple friendliness of a little girl opened the door for a woman whose
life had been embittered by much hardship and disappointment. She was
strolling one day through a mountain farm-house. She did not know where
she was going, and she did not care. She just wanted to forget, forget.
She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her, wondering how
there could be so much peace and quiet in a world that held nothing but
turmoil and heartache for her. She was an attractive woman, and her
smart clothes and haughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to her
scowling face and angry eyes.
Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watching her intently--a
little girl who had lived all her seven short years in the untutored
expanse of the mountains. The woman was annoyed, and she did not
hesitate to show it.
"What are you looking at; what do you want?" she demanded irritably.
Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled and stepped a little
closer. "I was just thinking how pretty your face would be if it smiled
instead of frowned," she answered.
The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyes vanished and was
replaced by a bright new light. The scowl became a grateful smile, and
with an impulsive sob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the little
girl who had been the first in a long time to speak gently to her, the
first in a long time to return her frowns with sincere smiles of
friendliness. And when she finally left the little child, and returned
to the exacting conventionalities of the town, she was a nobler, better
and finer woman.
The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed or law than the
sincere love of all mankind triumphed over the bitterness of a woman
who had known years of education and worldliness.
Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward
appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly
exists within us.