_A Street._
_Enter_ CASTRUCHIO, PIORATTO, _and_ FLUELLO.
CAS. Signor Pioratto, signor Fluello, shall’s be merry?
shall’s play the wags now?
FLU. Ay, any thing that may beget the child of laughter.
CAS. Truth, I have a pretty sportive conceit new crept
into my brain, will move excellent mirth.
PIO. Let’s ha’t, let’s ha’t; and where shall the scene
of mirth lie?
CAS. At signor Candido’s house, the patient man, nay,
the monstrous patient man: they say his blood is
immoveable; that he has taken all patience from a man,
and all constancy from a woman.
FLU. That makes so many whores now-a-days.
CAS. Ay, and so many knaves too.
PIO. Well, sir.
CAS. To conclude,—the report goes, he’s so mild, so
affable, so suffering, that nothing indeed can move him:
now do but think what sport it will be to make this
fellow, the mirror of patience, as angry, as vexed, and
as mad as an English cuckold.
FLU. O, 'twere admirable mirth that! but how will’t be
done, signor?
CAS. Let me alone; I have a trick, a conceit, a thing, a
device will sting him, i’faith, if he have but a
thimbleful of blood in’s belly, or a spleen not so big
as a tavern-token.[41]
PIO. Thou stir him, thou move him, thou anger him? alas,
I know his approved temper! thou vex him? why, he has a
patience above man’s injuries; thou mayest sooner raise
a spleen in an angel than rough humour in him. Why, I’ll
give you instance for it. This wonderfully tempered
signor Candido upon a time invited home to his house
certain Neapolitan lords of curious taste and no mean
palates, conjuring his wife, of all loves,[42] to
prepare cheer fitting for such honourable trenchermen.
She—just of a woman’s nature, covetous to try the
uttermost of vexation, and thinking at last to get the
start of his humour—willingly neglected the preparation,
and became unfurnished not only of dainty, but of
ordinary dishes. He, according to the mildness of his
breast, entertained the lords, and with courtly
discourse beguiled the time, as much as a citizen might
do. To conclude: they were hungry lords, for there came
no meat in; their stomachs were plainly gulled, and
their teeth deluded; and, if anger could have seized a
man, there was matter enough, i’faith, to vex any
citizen in the world, if he were not too much made a
fool by his wife.
FLU. Ay, I’ll swear for’t: ’sfoot, had it been my case,
I should ha’ played mad tricks with my wife and family;
first, I would ha’ spitted the men, stewed the maids,
and baked the mistress, and so served them in.
PIO. Why, 'twould ha’ tempted[43] any blood but his.
And thou to vex him! thou to anger him
With some poor, shallow jest!
CAS. ’Sblood, signor Pioratto, you that disparage my
conceit, I’ll wage a hundred ducats upon the head on’t,
that it moves him, frets him, and galls him.
PIO. Done; ’tis a lay;[44] join golls[45] on’t. Witness,
signor Fluello.
CAS. Witness: ’tis done.
Come, follow me; the house is not far off.
I’ll thrust him from his humour, vex his breast,
And win a hundred ducats by one jest. [_Exeunt._