[From a Chap–book. The book bears no date or note as to where or by whom
it was printed. It was probably printed at London about the year 1780.]
In and about the Isle of Ely many disaffected persons, to the number of
ten thousand and upwards, drew themselves up in a body, presuming to
contend for their pretended ancient rights and liberties, insomuch that
the gentry and civil magistrates of the country were in great danger,
at which time the sheriff, by night, privately got into the house of
Thomas Hickathrift as a secure place of refuge in so imminent a time
of danger, where before Thomas Hickathrift he laid open the villainous
intent of this headstrong, giddy–brained multitude.
“Mr. Sheriff,” quoth Tom, “what service my brother” (meaning the
tinker) “and I can perform shall not be wanting.”
This said, in the morning by daybreak, with trusty clubs, they both
went forth, desiring the Sheriff to be their guide in conducting them
to the place of the rebels’ rendezvous. When they came there, Tom and
the tinker marched up to the head of the multitude, and demanded
of them the reason why they disturbed the government, to which they
answered with a loud cry—
“Our will’s our law, and by that alone we will be governed.”
“Nay,” quoth Tom, “if it be so, these trusty clubs are our weapons, and
by them you shall be chastised,” which words were no sooner out of his
mouth than the tinker and he put themselves both together in the midst
of the throng, and with their clubs beat the multitude down, trampling
them under their feet. Every blow which they struck laid twenty or
thirty before them, nay—remarkable it was, the tinker struck a tall
man, just upon the nape of the neck, with that force that his head
flew off and was carried violently fourteen feet from him, where it
knocked down one of their chief ring–leaders,—Tom, on the other hand,
still pressing forward, till by an unfortunate blow he broke his club.
Yet he was not in the least dismayed, for he presently seized upon
a lusty, stout, raw–boned miller, and made use of him for a weapon,
till at length they cleared the field, so that there was not found one
that dare lift up a hand against them, having run to holes and corners
to hide themselves. Shortly after some of their heads were taken and
made public examples of justice, the rest being pardoned at the humble
request of Thomas Hickathrift and the tinker.
The king, being truly informed of the faithful services performed by
these his loving subjects, Thomas Hickathrift and the tinker, he was
pleased to send for them to his palace, where a royal banquet was
prepared for their entertainment, most of the nobility being present.
Now after the banquet was over, the king said unto all that were there—
“These are my trusty and well–beloved subjects, men of approved courage
and valour. They are the men that overcame and conquered ten thousand,
which were got together to disturb the peace of my realm. According
to the character that hath been given to Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
Nonsuch, persons here present, they cannot be matched in any other
kingdom in the world. Were it possible to have an army of twenty
thousand such as these, I dare venture to act the part of Alexander
the Great over again, yet, in the meanwhile, as a proof of my royal
favour, kneel down and receive the ancient order of knighthood, Mr.
Hickathrift,” which was instantly performed.
“And as for Henry Nonsuch, I will settle upon him, as a reward for his
great service, the sum of forty shillings a year, during life,” which
said, the king withdrew, and Sir Thomas Hickathrift and Henry Nonsuch,
the tinker, returned home, attended by many persons of quality some
miles from the court. But, to the great grief of Sir Thomas, at his
return from the court, he found his aged mother drawing to her end,
who, in a few days after, died, and was buried in the Isle of Ely.
Tom’s mother being dead, and he left alone in a large and spacious
house, he found himself strange and uncouth, therefore he began to
consider with himself that it would not be amiss to seek out for a
wife. Hearing of a young rich widow, not far from Cambridge, to her he
went and made his addresses, and, at the first coming, she seemed to
show him much favour and countenance, but between this and his coming
again she had given some entertainment to a more genteel and airy
spark, who happened likewise to come while honest Tom was there the
second time. He looked wistfully at Tom, and he stared as wistfully
at him again. At last the young spark began with abuseful language to
affront Tom, telling him that he was a great lubberly whelp, adding
that such a one as he should not pretend to make love to a lady, as he
was but a brewer’s servant.
“Scoundrel!” quoth Tom, “better words should become you, and if you do
not mend your manners you shall not fail to feel my sharp correction.”
At which the young spark challenged him forth into the back–yard, for,
as he said, he did not question but to make a fool of Tom in a trice.
Into the yard they both walk together, the young spark with a naked
sword, and Tom with neither stick nor staff in his hand nor any other
weapon.
“What!” says the spark, “have you nothing to defend yourself? Well, I
shall the sooner despatch you.”
Which said, he ran furiously forward, making a pass at Tom, which he
put by, and then, wheeling round, Tom gave him such a swinging kick
as sent the spark, like a crow, up into the air, from whence he fell
upon the ridge of a thatched house, and then came down into a large
fish–pond, and had been certainly drowned if it had not been for a
poor shepherd who was walking that way, and, seeing him float upon the
water, dragged him out with his hook, and home he ran, like a drowned
rat, while Tom returned to the lady.
This young gallant being tormented in his mind to think how Tom had
conquered and shamed him before his mistress, he was now resolved for
speedy revenge, and knowing that he was not able to cope with a man of
Tom’s strength and activity, he, therefore, hired two lusty troopers to
lie in ambush in a thicket which Tom was to pass through from his home
to the young lady. Accordingly they attempted to set upon him.
“How, now,” quoth Tom, “rascals, what would you be at? Are you, indeed,
weary of the world that you so unadvisedly set upon one who is able to
crush you in like a cucumber?”
The troopers, laughing at him, said that they were not to be daunted at
his high words.
“High words,” quoth Tom. “No, I will come to action,” and with that he
ran in between these armed troopers, catching them under his arm, horse
and men, with as much ease as if they had been but a couple of baker’s
babbins, steering his course with them hastily towards his own home. As
he passed through a meadow, in which there were many haymakers at work,
the poor distressed troopers cried out—
“Stop him! stop him! He runs away with two of the king’s troopers.”
The haymakers laughed heartily to see how Tom hugged them along. Ever
and anon he upbraided them for their baseness, and declared that he
would make minced meat of them to feed the crows and jackdaws about
his house and habitation. This was such a dreadful lecture to them
that the poor rogues begged that he would be merciful and spare their
lives, and they would discover the whole plot, and who was the person
that employed them. This accordingly they did, and gained favour in the
sight of Tom, who pardoned them upon promise that they would never be
concerned in such a villainous action for the time to come.
In regard Tom had been hindered by these troopers, he delayed his visit
to his lady till the next day, and then, coming to her, gave her a
full account of what had happened. She was pleased at heart at this
wonderful relation, knowing it was safe for a woman to marry with a
man who was able to defend her against all assaults whatsoever, and
such a one she found Tom to be. The day of marriage was accordingly
appointed, and friends and relations invited, yet secret malice, which
is never satisfied without sweet revenge, had like to have prevented
the solemnity, for, having three miles to go to church, where they
were to be married, the aforesaid gentleman had provided a second time
Russians in armour, to the number of twenty–one, he himself being
then present, either to destroy the life of Tom, or put them into
strange consternation. However, thus it happened. In a lonesome place
they rolled out upon them, making their first assault upon Tom, and,
with a spear, gave him a slight wound, at which his love and the rest
of the women shrieked and cried like persons out of their wits. Tom
endeavoured all that he could to pacify them, saying—
“Stand you still and I will show you pleasant sport.”
With that he caught a back–sword from the side of a gentleman in his
own company, with which he so bravely behaved himself that at every
stroke he cut off a joint. Loath he was to touch the life of any, but,
aiming at their legs and arms, he lopped them off so fast that, in less
than a quarter of an hour, there was not one in the company but what
had lost a limb, the green grass being stained with their purple gore,
and the ground strewn with legs and arms, as ’tis with tiles from the
tops of the houses after a dreadful storm—his love and the rest of the
company standing all the while as joyful spectators, laughing one at
another, saying—
“What a company of cripples has he made, as it were in the twinkling of
an eye!”
“Yes,” quoth Tom, “I believe that for every drop of blood that I lost,
I have made the rascals pay me a limb as a just tribute.”
This done, he stept to a farmer’s hard by, and hired there a servant,
giving him twenty shillings to carry these cripples home to their
respective habitations in his cart. Then did he hasten with his love
to the church to be married, and then returned home, where they were
heartily merry with their friends, after their fierce and dreadful
encounter.
Now, Tom being married, he made a plentiful feast, to which he invited
all the poor widows in four or five parishes, for the sake of his
mother, whom he had lately buried. This feast was kept in his own
house, with all manner of varieties that the country could afford,
for the space of four days, in honour likewise of the four victories
which he had lately obtained. Now, when the time of feasting was ended,
a silver cup was missing, and, being asked about it, they every one
denied they knew anything about it. At length it was agreed that they
should all stand the search, which they did, and the cup was found
on a certain old woman, named the widow Stumbelow. Then were all the
rest in a rage. Some were for hanging her, others were for chopping
the old woman in pieces for her ingratitude to such a generous soul as
Sir Thomas Hickathrift, but he entreated them all to be quiet, saying
they should not murder the old woman, for he would appoint a punishment
for her himself, which was this—he bored a hole through her nose, and,
tying a string therein, then ordered her to be led by the nose through
all the streets and lanes in Cambridge.
The tidings of Tom’s wedding were soon noised in the court, so that
the king sent them a royal invitation to the end that he might see his
lady. They immediately went, and were received with all demonstrations
of joy and triumph, but while they were in their mirth a dreadful cry
approached the court, which proved to be the commons of Kent who were
come thither to complain of a dreadful giant that was landed in one of
the islands, and brought with him abundance of bears and young lions,
likewise a dreadful dragon, on which he himself rode, which monster and
ravenous beasts had frightened all the inhabitants out of the island.
Moreover, they said, if speedy course was not taken to suppress them
in time, they might overrun the whole island. The king, hearing this
dreadful relation, was a little startled, yet he persuaded them to
return home and make the best defence they could for themselves at
present, assuring them that he should not forget them, and so they
departed.
The king, hearing the aforesaid dreadful tidings, immediately sat
in council to consider what was to be done for the overcoming this
monstrous giant, and barbarous savage lions and beasts, that with him
had invaded his princely territories. At length it was agreed upon
that Thomas Hickathrift was the most likely man in the whole kingdom
for undertaking of so dangerous an enterprise, he being not only
a fortunate man of great strength, but likewise a true and trusty
subject, one that was always ready and willing to do his king and
country service. For which reason it was thought necessary to make him
governor of the aforesaid island, which place of trust and honour he
readily received, and accordingly he forthwith went down with his wife
and family, attended by a hundred knights and gentlemen, who conducted
him to the entrance of the island which he was to govern. A castle in
those days there was, in which he was to take up his head–quarters,
the same being situated with that advantage that he could view the
island for several miles upon occasion. The knights and gentlemen,
at last taking their leave of him, wished him all happy success and
prosperity. Many days he had not been there when it was his fortune to
behold this monstrous giant, mounted upon a dreadful dragon, bearing
upon his shoulder a club of iron, having but one eye, the which was
placed in his forehead, and larger in compass than a barber’s basin,
and seemed to appear like a flaming fire. His visage was dreadful, grim
and tawny; the hair of his head hanging down his back and shoulders
like snakes of a prodigious length; the bristles of his beard being
like rusty wire. Lifting up his blare eye, he happened to discover Sir
Thomas Hickathrift, who was looking upon him from one of his windows
of the castle. The giant then began to knit his brow and breathe forth
threatening words to the governor, who, indeed, was a little surprised
at the approach of so monstrous a brute. The giant, finding that Tom
did not make much haste down to meet him, alighted from the back of the
dragon, and chained the same to an oak–tree. Then, marching furiously
to the castle, he set his broad shoulder against a corner of the stone
walls, as if he intended to overthrow the whole building at once, which
Tom perceiving, said—
“Is this the game you would be at? Faith, I shall spoil your sport, for
I have a delicate tool to pick your teeth withal.”
Then, taking his two–handed sword of five foot long, a weapon which
the king had given him to govern with,—taking this, I say, down he
went, and flinging open the gates, he there found the giant, who, by an
unfortunate slip in his thrusting, was fallen all along, where he lay
and could not help himself.
“What!” quoth Tom, “do you come here to take up your lodging? This is
not to be suffered.”
With that he ran his long broad–sword into the giant’s body, which
made the monstrous brute give such a terrible groan that it seemed
like roaring thunder, making the very neighbouring trees to tremble.
Then Tom, pulling out his sword again, at six or seven blows separated
his head from his unconscionable trunk, which head, when it was off,
seemed like the root of a mighty oak. Then turning to the dragon, which
was all this while chained to a tree, without any further discourse,
with four blows with his two–handed sword, he cut off his head also.
This fortunate adventure being over, he sent immediately for a team of
horses and a wagon, which he loaded with these heads. Then, summoning
all the constables in the country for a guard, he sent them to the
court, with a promise to his majesty that he would rid the whole island
likewise of bears and lions before he left it. Tom’s victories rang so
long that they reached the ears of his old acquaintance the tinker,
who, desirous of honour, resolved to go down and visit Tom in his new
government. Coming there, he met with kind and loving entertainment,
for they were very joyful to see one another. Now, after three or four
days’ enjoyment of one another’s company, Tom told the tinker that he
must needs go forth in search after wild bears and lions, in order to
rout them out of the island.
“Well,” quoth the tinker, “I would gladly take my fortune with you,
hoping that I may be serviceable to you upon occasion.”
“Well,” quoth Tom, “with all my heart, for I must needs acknowledge I
shall be right glad of your company.”
This said, they both went forward, Tom with his two–handed sword, and
the tinker with his long pike–staff. Now, after they had travelled
about four or five hours, it was their fortune to light on the whole
knot of wild beasts together, of which six of them were bears, the
other eight young lions. Now, when they had fastened their eyes on Tom
and the tinker, these ravenous beasts began to roar and run furiously,
as if they would have devoured them at a mouthful. Tom and the tinker
stood, side by side, with their backs against an oak, and as the lions
and bears came within their reach, Tom, with his long sword, clove
their heads asunder till they were all destroyed, saving one lion who,
seeing the rest of his fellows slain, was endeavouring to escape. Now
the tinker, being somewhat too venturous, ran too hastily after him,
and, having given the lion one blow, he turned upon him again, seizing
him by the throat with that violence that the poor tinker fell dead to
the ground. Tom Hickathrift, seeing this, gave the lion such a blow
that it ended his life.
Now was his joy mingled with sorrow, for though he had cleared the
island of those ravenous savage beasts, yet his grief was intolerable
for the loss of his old friend. Home he returned to his lady, where, in
token of joy for the wonderful success which he had in his dangerous
enterprises, he made a very noble and splendid feast, to which he
invited most of his best friends and acquaintances, to whom he made the
following promise—
“My friends, while I have strength to stand,
Most manfully I will pursue
All dangers, till I clear this land
Of lions, bears, and tigers too.
This you’ll find true, or I’m to blame,
Let it remain upon record,
Tom Hickathrift’s most glorious fame,
Who never yet has broke his word.
The man who does his country bless
Shall merit much from this fair land;
He who relieved them in distress
His fame upon record shall stand.
And you, my friends, who hear me now,
Let honest Tom for ever dwell
Within your minds and thoughts, I trow,
Since he has pleased you all so well.”