§ 51. The only other classification of the members of a small society
worth making here is in accordance with the various degrees of their
previous intimacy. They may either be a family party consisting of near
relations, or a friendly party consisting of intimate friends, or a
party of casual acquaintances who meet not unfrequently, or a chance
collection of almost strangers. In all these cases there is naturally
some modification to be made in the rules and conditions of agreeable
talking. And first of all let us warn those who think it is not worth
while taking trouble to talk in their family circle, or who read the
newspaper at meals, that they are making a mistake which has
far-reaching consequences. It is nearly as bad as those convent schools
or ladies’ academies, when either silence or a foreign tongue is imposed
at meals, and concerning which I have already spoken. Whatever people
may think of the value of theory, there is no doubt whatever that
practice is necessary for conversation, and it is at home, among those
who are intimate, and free in expressing their thoughts, that this
practice must be sought. It is thus, and thus only, that young people
can go out into the world properly provided with the only universal
introduction to society—agreeable manners.
Here, then, conversation is not so much a recreation as a duty, and so
becomes too grave a matter for this book. I will merely say a word upon
the position of a guest who is introduced into such a party, to whose
daily trifles, family feuds, or friendships, he is a stranger. It is of
course the first duty of the family not to monopolise the topics by
discussing family histories unknown and uninteresting beyond their
circle. Menander long ago complained of the misfortune of falling into a
party of this kind.[11] On the other hand, the stranger must assume a
temporary interest in affairs outside his ordinary life, and merely for
the sake of his hosts. But if he is appealed to as an umpire by members
who habitually differ in opinion (and this he will easily note), let him
be very wary of giving a decision, and rather discover that there is
truth on each side of the question.
Footnote 11:
Cf. my _Social Life of Greece_, p. 317.
§ 52. Far easier is the position of a party of intimate friends. They
have probably become friends simply because they enjoy each other’s
society, and have many topics of interest in common. It requires no
exertion to make them talk, and they will readily condone moments of
taciturnity and depression in one or more members of the party. They
want no advice, and need no instruction, for this is the only true and
permanent human bond which makes men and women ever sympathetic, and
ever agreeable to one another.
§ 53. As regards a company of strangers, on the contrary, all the
principles stated in the earlier parts of this book will have their
clearest application. To interest or to fascinate a stranger requires
all the gifts there enumerated, and in proportion as we possess them,
and take pains to use them, we shall succeed in turning the stranger
into the friend. There is no greater test of conversational powers than
to go into a company of strangers, to make them feel at home, to turn
their minds to some common thought, and establish an agreeable and
sociable spirit where there was at first nothing but coldness and
diffidence. To do this single handed is a feat beyond the power of most
people. But if several persons make an effort in the same direction, the
combination will effect what a single genius can hardly accomplish.
Nothing proves more conclusively the value of practice in these things
than the fact that the higher classes, who are compelled through
constant moving about both at home and abroad to converse frequently
with casual acquaintances, and who in various society often meet
strangers—these are the people in whom we generally observe ease in
conversation under such conditions. We set it down to good breeding, but
this means that not only they but their ancestors have been practising
it. Hereditary virtues have not been created with less labour than any
other virtues. Generally they require the efforts of several
generations, and are therefore the most arduous and meritorious of all.
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