§ 16. We have kept till now the main violation of simplicity, and
greatest of modern hindrances to conversation, which we have already
mentioned in connection with modesty.
What distinction are we to make between Shyness and reserve, two
qualities whose effects are generally similar, and each of which is a
great hindrance to good conversation? We may start from the distinctions
in ordinary use. No man or woman will openly claim to be reserved, but
many will plead that they are shy. The reason of this is that shyness is
assumed to be a physical or at least constitutional thing, whereas
reserve implies deliberate choice to stand aloof, and repel any intimacy
of conversation as unwarranted either by the circumstances or by the
relative position of the speakers. Thus though reserve _may_ arise from
modesty, it is generally a form of pride, which for that reason no one
will attribute to himself.[4] On the other hand shyness is either
assumed to be a form, or an excess, of modesty, which is a virtue, or it
is assumed to be congenital, and therefore a defect to be excused rather
than a fault to be censured. So shy people as a rule rather ’fancy
themselves’; for though they urge their peculiarity as an excuse for
social defects, there lies behind a secret conviction that they at least
have escaped the vice of forwardness, or of that coarseness of mental
fibre which is implied in forwardness. Accordingly, though there are
many people who sincerely regret their shyness upon particular
occasions, as for example, when they are compelled to make a speech, or
entertain some great personage, yet you will not find any one who would
exchange it as a permanent quality for perfect ease, or assurance, or
total absence of nervousness, or whatever else the opposite of shyness
may be called. The more we reflect on this and other similar symptoms in
shyness, the more we shall be convinced that here we have not to deal
with mere modesty, but with conscious modesty, with modesty without
simplicity, and therefore really with a subtle form of conceit.
Footnote 4:
I am reminded that there are, especially in England, people who desire
to be thought reserved, and are secretly proud of this reputation. It
is, of course, part of this pride not to declare it publicly. These
exceptional cases are, however, to be classed with those of people who
are secretly proud of other vices, and do not disturb my theory.
§ 17. There are of course cases of children who are allowed to run away
whenever a stranger appears, as if nature were a state of war, and man
the natural enemy of man. Such children will require training to be
cured of their own and their parents’ stupidity, and must be taught that
every stranger is not a bogy. But this is mere domestication, such as we
apply to the lower animals. It is also possible, though rare, that some
people of refinement and culture may have a physical repugnance to
meeting any but their intimates, and that they may make honest efforts
in vain to overcome this stubborn nervousness. The great majority of shy
people are not of this kind. Thus you will see a girl extremely shy in
ordinary society, who blossoms out when she receives attentions from
some one who may possibly marry her. Or else you may find a youth, who
jumps over a hedge to avoid meeting a party of his acquaintances on a
country road, anything but modest in lower society, thus showing that it
is a consciousness of unfitness for good company and a fear of being
criticised which dominate him. In almost all the cases which occur there
is therefore modesty without simplicity, a conscious and almost guilty
air; it is often nothing better than vanity which fears the results of
conversation, which desires to be thought well of, and which from
mistrust of itself puts on the garb of modesty.
If shyness really arises from this cause, it is a grave moral fault. But
in any case it is socially a crime. How can any conversation be easy and
natural, how can it range from topic to topic, and bring out the tempers
and the characters of the speakers, if any of them displays this vice by
dogged silence, by conscious blushing when any personal topic arises, or
by the awkwardness which always accompanies this noisome preoccupation
with one’s self? If then the capital conditions of pleasant intercourse
are modesty and simplicity, this defect which always contradicts the
latter, and generally both of them, is to be regarded as the most
prevalent and destructive anti-social vice. The only high quality which
may be concealed, or perhaps even displayed by shyness, is a delicate
sensitiveness, which shy people generally postulate in themselves, but
which has far better and nobler ways of affecting society than by
impeding conversation.
§ 18. Reserve, which few venture to claim for themselves, is a far
higher and better feeling, for it implies that the unwillingness to
enter upon conversation arises from some deliberate judgment as to the
relative positions of the speaker and his company—often a correct
judgment, saving us from the vice of familiarity, which in an inferior
is offensive, in a superior uncomfortable, in either case distinctly
vulgar. We feel that reserve can be laid aside in pleasant moments, and
among congenial people, and that there is often force and dignity behind
it. But it is rarely a virtue which improves conversation, and therefore
need not occupy us here. It may indeed act as a check on licence, and so
by bringing the company back from some aberration, start it afresh on
nobler and pleasanter topics. This is so indirect a mode of action, and
may be so much more easily attained in other ways, that I need only
mention it for completeness’ sake.
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