NEW HOPES
Until the setting in of winter she was pretty faithful to their
appointments; faithful, but not punctual. During the first three months
her tardiness on these occasions ranged between three-quarters of an
hour and two hours. As the autumnal rains compelled Mariolle to await
her behind the garden gate with an umbrella over his head, shivering,
with his feet in the mud, he caused a sort of little summer-house to
be built, a covered and inclosed vestibule behind the gate, so that he
might not take cold every time they met.
The trees had lost their verdure, and in the place of the roses and
other flowers the beds were now filled with great masses of white,
pink, violet, purple, and yellow chrysanthemums, exhaling their
penetrating, balsamic perfume--the saddening perfume by which these
noble flowers remind us of the dying year--upon the moist atmosphere,
heavy with the odor of the rain upon the decaying leaves. In front
of the door of the little house the inventive genius of the gardener
had devised a great Maltese cross, composed of rarer plants arranged
in delicate combinations of color, and Mariolle could never pass this
bed, bright with new and constantly changing varieties, without the
melancholy reflection that this flowery cross was very like a grave.
He was well acquainted now with those long watches in the little
summer-house behind the gate. The rain would fall sullenly upon the
thatch with which he had had it roofed and trickle down the board
siding, and while waiting in this receiving-vault he would give way
to the same unvarying reflections, go through the same process of
reasoning, be swayed in turn by the same hopes, the same fears, the
same discouragements. It was an incessant battle that he had to fight;
a fierce, exhausting mental struggle with an elusive force, a force
that perhaps had no real existence: the tenderness of that woman's
heart.
What strange things they were, those interviews of theirs! Sometimes
she would come in with a smile upon her face, full to overflowing
with the desire of conversation, and would take a seat without
removing her hat and gloves, without raising her veil, often without
so much as giving him a kiss. It never occurred to her to kiss him
on such occasions; her head was full of a host of captivating little
preoccupations, each of them more captivating to her than the idea of
putting up her lips to the kiss of her despairing lover. He would take
a seat beside her, heart and mouth overrunning with burning words which
could find no way of utterance; he would listen to her and answer,
and while apparently deeply interested in what she was saying would
furtively take her hand, which she would yield to him calmly, amicably,
without an extra pulsation in her veins.
At other times she would appear more tender, more wholly his; but he,
who was watching her with anxious and clear-sighted eyes, with the eyes
of a lover powerless to achieve her entire conquest, could see and
divine that this relative degree of affection was owing to the fact
that nothing had occurred on such occasions of sufficient importance to
divert her thoughts from him.
Her persistent unpunctuality, moreover, proved to Mariolle with how
little eagerness she looked forward to these interviews. When we love,
when anything pleases and attracts us, we hasten to the anticipated
meeting, but once the charm has ceased to work, the appointed time
seems to come too quickly and everything serves as a pretext to delay
our loitering steps and put off the moment that has become indefinably
distasteful to us. An odd comparison with a habit of his own kept
incessantly returning to his mind. In summer-time the anticipation of
his morning bath always made him hasten his toilette and his visit to
the bathing establishment, while in the frosty days of winter he always
found so many little things to attend to at home before going out
that he was invariably an hour behind his usual time. The meetings at
Auteuil were to her like so many winter shower-baths.
For some time past, moreover, she had been making these interviews more
infrequent, sending telegrams at the last hour, putting them off until
the following day and apparently seeking for excuses for dispensing
with them. She always succeeded in discovering excuses of a nature to
satisfy herself, but they caused him mental and physical worries and
anxieties that were intolerable. If she had manifested any coolness, if
she had shown that she was tiring of this passion of his that she felt
and knew was constantly increasing in violence, he might at first have
been irritated and then in turn offended, discouraged, and resigned,
but on the contrary she manifested more affection for him than ever,
she seemed more flattered by his love, more desirous of retaining
it, while not responding to it otherwise than by friendly marks of
preference which were beginning to make all her other admirers jealous.
She could never see enough of him in her own house, and the same
telegram that would announce to André that she could not come to
Auteuil would convey to him her urgent request to dine with her or
come and spend an hour in the evening. At first he had taken these
invitations as her way of making amends to him, but afterward he came
to understand that she liked to have him near her and that she really
experienced the need of him, more so than of the others. She had need
of him as an idol needs prayers and faith in order to make it a god;
standing in the empty shrine it is but a bit of carved wood, but let
a believer enter the sanctuary, and kneel and prostrate himself and
worship with fervent prayers, drunk with religion, it becomes the equal
of Brahma or of Allah, for every loved being is a kind of god. Mme. de
Burne felt that she was adapted beyond all others to play this rôle of
fetich, to fill woman's mission, bestowed on her by nature, of being
sought after and adored, and of vanquishing men by the arms of her
beauty, grace, and coquetry.
In the meantime she took no pains to conceal her affection and her
strong liking for Mariolle, careless of what folks might say about it,
possibly with the secret desire of irritating and inflaming the others.
They could hardly ever come to her house without finding him there,
generally installed in the great easy-chair that Lamarthe had come
to call the "pulpit of the officiating priest," and it afforded her
sincere pleasure to remain alone in his company for an entire evening,
talking and listening to him. She had taken a liking to this kind of
family life that he had revealed to her, to this constant contact with
an agreeable, well-stored mind, which was hers and at her command just
as much as were the little trinkets that littered her dressing-table.
In like manner she gradually came to yield to him much of herself, of
her thoughts, of her deeper mental personality, in the course of those
affectionate confidences that are as pleasant in the giving as in the
receiving. She felt herself more at ease, more frank and familiar with
him than with the others, and she loved him the more for it. She also
experienced the sensation, dear to womankind, that she was really
bestowing something, that she was confiding to some one all that she
had to give, a thing that she had never done before.
In her eyes this was much, in his it was very little. He was still
waiting and hoping for the great final breaking up of her being which
should give him her soul beneath his caresses.
Caresses she seemed to regard as useless, annoying, rather a nuisance
than otherwise. She submitted to them, not without returning them, but
tired of them quickly, and this feeling doubtless engendered in her
a shade of dislike to them. The slightest and most insignificant of
them seemed to be irksome to her. When in the course of conversation
he would take her hand and carry it to his lips and hold it there a
little, she always seemed desirous of withdrawing it, and he could feel
the movement of the muscles in her arm preparatory to taking it away.
He felt these things like so many thrusts of a knife, and he carried
away from her presence wounds that bled unintermittently in the
solitude of his love. How was it that she had not that period of
unreasoning attraction toward him that almost every woman has when once
she has made the entire surrender of her being? It may be of short
duration, frequently it is followed quickly by weariness and disgust,
but it is seldom that it is not there at all, for a day, for an hour!
This mistress of his had made of him, not a lover, but a sort of
intelligent companion of her life.
Of what was he complaining? Those who yield themselves entirely perhaps
have less to give than she!
He was not complaining; he was afraid. He was afraid of that other one,
the man who would spring up unexpectedly whenever she might chance to
fall in with him, to-morrow, may be, or the day after, whoever he might
be, artist, actor, soldier, or man of the world, it mattered not what,
born to find favor in her woman's eyes and securing her favor for no
other reason, because he was _the man_, the one destined to implant in
her for the first time the imperious desire of opening her arms to him.
He was now jealous of the future as before he had at times been
jealous of her unknown past, and all the young woman's intimates were
beginning to be jealous of him. He was the subject of much conversation
among them; they even made dark and mysterious allusions to the subject
in her presence. Some said that he was her lover, while others, guided
by Lamarthe's opinion, decided that she was only making a fool of him
in order to irritate and exasperate them, as it was her habit to do,
and that this was all there was to it. Her father took the matter up
and made some remarks to her which she did not receive with good grace,
and the more conscious she became of the reports that were circulating
among her acquaintance, the more, by an odd contradiction to the
prudence that had ruled her life, did she persist in making an open
display of the preference that she felt for Mariolle.
He, however, was somewhat disturbed by these suspicious mutterings. He
spoke to her of it.
"What do I care?" she said.
"If you only loved me, as a lover!"
"Do I not love you, my friend?"
"Yes and no; you love me well enough in your own house, but very badly
elsewhere. I should prefer it to be just the opposite, for my sake, and
even, indeed, for your own."
She laughed and murmured: "We can't do more than we can."
"If you only knew the mental trouble that I experience in trying
to animate your love. At times I seem to be trying to grasp the
intangible, to be clasping an iceberg in my arms that chills me and
melts away within my embrace."
She made no answer, not fancying the subject, and assumed the absent
manner that she often wore at Auteuil. He did not venture to press the
matter further. He looked upon her a good deal as amateurs look upon
the precious objects in a museum that tempt them so strongly and that
they know they cannot carry away with them.
His days and nights were made up of hours of suffering, for he was
living in the fixed idea, and still more in the sentiment than in
the idea, that she was his and yet not his, that she was conquered
and still at liberty, captured and yet impregnable. He was living at
her side, as near her as could be, without ever reaching her, and he
loved her with all the unsatiated longings of his body and his soul.
He began to write to her again, as he had done at the commencement
of their _liaison_. Once before with ink he had vanquished her early
scruples; once again with ink he might be victorious over this later
and obstinate resistance. Putting longer intervals between his visits
to her, he told her in almost daily letters of the fruitlessness of
his love. Now and then, when he had been very eloquent and impassioned
and had evinced great sorrow, she answered him. Her letters, dated for
effect midnight, or one, two, or three o'clock in the morning, were
clear and precise, well considered, encouraging, and afflicting. She
reasoned well, and they were not destitute of wit and even fancy, but
it was in vain that he read them and re-read them, it was in vain that
he admitted that they were to the point, well turned, intelligent,
graceful, and satisfactory to his masculine vanity; they had in them
nothing of her heart, they satisfied him no more than did the kisses
that she gave him in the house at Auteuil.
He asked himself why this was so, and when he had learned them by heart
he came to know them so well that he discovered the reason, for a
person's writings always afford the surest clue to his nature. Spoken
words dazzle and deceive, for lips are pleasing and eyes seductive, but
black characters set down upon white paper expose the soul in all its
nakedness.
Man, thanks to the artifices of rhetoric, to his professional address
and his habit of using the pen to discuss all the affairs of life,
often succeeds in disguising his own nature by his impersonal prose
style, literary or business, but woman never writes unless it is of
herself and something of her being goes into her every word. She knows
nothing of the subtilities of style and surrenders herself unreservedly
in her ignorance of the scope and value of words. Mariolle called to
mind the memoirs and correspondence of celebrated women that he had
read; how distinctly their characters were all set forth there, the
_précieuses_, the witty, and the sensible! What struck him most in
Mme. de Burne's letters was that no trace of sensibility was to be
discovered in them. This woman had the faculty of thought but not of
feeling. He called to mind letters that he had received from other
persons; he had had many of them. A little _bourgeoise_ that he had met
while traveling and who had loved him for the space of three months had
written delicious, thrilling notes, abounding in fresh and unexpected
terms of sentiment; he had been surprised by the flexibility, the
elegant coloring, and the variety of her style. Whence had she
obtained this gift? From the fact that she was a woman of sensibility;
there could be no other answer. A woman does not elaborate her phrases;
they come to her intelligence straight from her emotions; she does
not rummage the dictionary for fine words. What she feels strongly
she expresses justly, without long and labored consideration, in the
adaptive sincerity of her nature.
He tried to test the sincerity of his mistress's nature by means of
the lines which she wrote him. They were well written and full of
amiability, but how was it that she could find nothing better for him?
Ah! for her _he_ had found words that burned as living coals!
When his valet brought in his mail he would look for an envelope
bearing the longed-for handwriting, and when he recognized it an
involuntary emotion would arise in him, succeeded by a beating of the
heart. He would extend his hand and grasp the bit of paper; again he
would scrutinize the address, then tear it open. What had she to say
to him? Would he find the word "love" there? She had never written or
uttered this word without qualifying it by the adverb "well": "I love
you well"; "I love you much"; "Do I not love you?" He knew all these
formulas, which are inexpressive by reason of what is tacked on to
them. Can there be such a thing as a comparison between the degrees of
love when one is in its toils? Can one decide whether he loves well or
ill? "To love much," what a dearth of love that expression manifests!
One loves, nothing more, nothing less; nothing can be said, nothing
expressed, nothing imagined that means more than that one simple
sentence. It is brief, it is everything. It becomes body, soul, life,
the whole of our being. We feel it as we feel the warm blood in our
veins, we inhale it as we do the air, we carry it within us as we carry
our thoughts, for it becomes the atmosphere of the mind. Nothing has
existence beside it. It is not a word, it is an inexpressible state of
being, represented by a few letters. All the conditions of life are
changed by it; whatever we do, there is nothing done or seen or tasted
or enjoyed or suffered just as it was before. Mariolle had become the
victim of this small verb, and his eye would run rapidly over the
lines, seeking there a tenderness answering to his own. He did in fact
find there sufficient to warrant him in saying to himself: "She loves
me very well," but never to make him exclaim: "She loves me!" She was
continuing in her correspondence the pretty, poetical romance that had
had its inception at Mont Saint-Michel. It was the literature of love,
not of _the_ love.
When he had finished reading and re-reading them, he would lock the
precious and disappointing sheets in a drawer and seat himself in his
easy-chair. He had passed many a bitter hour in it before this.
After a while her answers to his letters became less frequent;
doubtless she was somewhat weary of manufacturing phrases and ringing
the changes on the same stale theme. And then, besides, she was passing
through a period of unwonted fashionable excitement, of which André
had presaged the approach with that increment of suffering that such
insignificant, disagreeable incidents can bring to troubled hearts.
It was a winter of great gaiety. A mad intoxication had taken
possession of Paris and shaken the city to its depths; all night long
cabs and _coupés_ were rolling through the streets and through the
windows were visible white apparitions of women in evening toilette.
Everyone was having a good time; all the conversation was on plays and
balls, matinées and soirées. The contagion, an epidemic of pleasure, as
it were, had quickly extended to all classes of society, and Mme. de
Burne also was attacked by it.
It had all been brought about by the effect that her beauty had
produced at a dance at the Austrian embassy. The Comte de Bernhaus had
made her acquainted with the ambassadress, the Princess de Malten,
who had been immediately and entirely delighted with Mme. de Burne.
Within a very short time she became the Princess's very intimate friend
and thereby extended with great rapidity her relations among the most
select diplomatic and aristocratic circles. Her grace, her elegance,
her charming manners, her intelligence and wit quickly achieved a
triumph for her and made her _la mode_, and many of the highest titles
among the women of France sought to be presented to her. Every Monday
would witness a long line of _coupés_ with arms on their panels drawn
up along the curb of the Rue du Général-Foy, and the footmen would lose
their heads and make sad havoc with the high-sounding names that they
bellowed into the drawing-room, confounding duchesses with marquises,
countesses with baronnes.
She was entirely carried off her feet. The incense of compliments
and invitations, the feeling that she was become one of the elect to
whom Paris bends the knee in worship as long as the fancy lasts,
the delight of being thus admired, made much of, and run after, were
too much for her and gave rise within her soul to an acute attack of
snobbishness.
Her artistic following did not submit to this condition of affairs
without a struggle, and the revolution produced a close alliance among
her old friends. Fresnel, even, was accepted by them, enrolled on the
regimental muster and became a power in the league, while Mariolle was
its acknowledged head, for they were all aware of the ascendency that
he had over her and her friendship for him. He, however, watched her as
she was whirled away in this flattering popularity as a child watches
the vanishing of his red balloon when he has let go the string. It
seemed to him that she was eluding him in the midst of this elegant,
motley, dancing throng and flying far, far away from that secret
happiness that he had so ardently desired for both of them, and he was
jealous of everybody and everything, men, women, and inanimate objects
alike. He conceived a fierce detestation for the life that she was
leading, for all the people that she associated with, all the _fêtes_
that she frequented, balls, theaters, music, for they were all in a
league to take her from him by bits and absorb her days and nights,
and only a few scant hours were now accorded to their intimacy. His
indulgence of this unreasoning spite came near causing him a fit of
sickness, and when he visited her he brought with him such a wan face
that she said to him:
"What ails you? You have changed of late, and are very thin."
"I have been loving you too much," he replied.
She gave him a grateful look: "No one ever loves too much, my friend."
"Can you say such a thing as that?"
"Why, yes."
"And you do not see that I am dying of my vain love for you."
"In the first place it is not true that you love in vain; then no one
ever dies of that complaint, and finally all our friends are jealous of
you, which proves pretty conclusively that I am not treating you badly,
all things considered."
He took her hand: "You do not understand me!"
"Yes, I understand very well."
"You hear the despairing appeal that I am incessantly making to your
heart?"
"Yes, I have heard it."
"And----"
"And it gives me much pain, for I love you enormously."
"And then?"
"Then you say to me: 'Be like me; think, feel, express yourself as I
do.' But, my poor friend, I can't. I am what I am. You must take me as
God made me, since I gave myself thus to you, since I have no regrets
for having done so and no desire to withdraw from the bargain, since
there is no one among all my acquaintance that is dearer to me than you
are."
"You do not love me!"
"I love you with all the power of loving that exists in me. If it is
not different or greater, is that my fault?"
"If I was certain of that I might content myself with it."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean that I believe you capable of loving otherwise, but that I do
not believe that it lies in me to inspire you with a genuine passion."
"My friend, you are mistaken. You are more to me than anyone has ever
been hitherto, more than anyone will ever be in the future; at least
that is my honest conviction. I may lay claim to this great merit: that
I do not wear two faces with you, I do not feign to be what you so
ardently desire me to be, when many women would act quite differently.
Be a little grateful to me for this, and do not allow yourself to be
agitated and unstrung; trust in my affection, which is yours, sincerely
and unreservedly."
He saw how wide the difference was that parted them. "Ah!" he murmured,
"how strangely you look at love and speak of it! To you, I am some one
that you like to see now and then, whom you like to have beside you,
but to me, you fill the universe: in it I know but you, feel but you,
need but you."
She smiled with satisfaction and replied: "I know that; I understand. I
am delighted to have it so, and I say to you: Love me always like that
if you can, for it gives me great happiness, but do not force me to act
a part before you that would be distressing to me and unworthy of us
both. I have been aware for some time of the approach of this crisis;
it is the cause of much suffering to me, for I am deeply attached to
you, but I cannot bend my nature or shape it in conformity with yours.
Take me as I am."
Suddenly he asked her: "Have you ever thought, have you ever believed,
if only for a day, only for an hour, either before or after, that you
might be able to love me otherwise?"
She was at a loss for an answer and reflected for a few seconds. He
waited anxiously for her to speak, and continued: "You see, don't you,
that you have had other dreams as well?"
"I may have been momentarily deceived in myself," she murmured,
thoughtfully.
"Oh! how ingenious you are!" he exclaimed; "how psychological! No one
ever reasons thus from the impulse of the heart."
She was reflecting still, interested in her thoughts, in this
self-investigation; finally she said: "Before I came to love you as
I love you now, I may indeed have thought that I might come to be
more--more--more captivated with you, but then I certainly should not
have been so frank and simple with you. Perhaps later on I should have
been less sincere."
"Why less sincere later on?"
"Because all of love, according to your idea, lies in this formula:
'Everything or nothing,' and this 'everything or nothing' as far as I
can see means: 'Everything at first, nothing afterward.' It is when the
reign of nothing commences that women begin to be deceitful."
He replied in great distress: "But you do not see how wretched I
am--how I am tortured by the thought that you might have loved me
otherwise. You have felt that thought: therefore it is some other one
that you will love in that manner."
She unhesitatingly replied: "I do not believe it."
"And why? Yes, why, I ask you? Since you have had the foreknowledge of
love, since you have felt in anticipation the fleeting and torturing
hope of confounding soul and body with the soul and body of another,
of losing your being in his and taking his being to be portion of
your own, since you have perceived the possibility of this ineffable
emotion, the day will come, sooner or later, when you will experience
it."
"No; my imagination deceived me, and deceived itself. I am giving you
all that I have to give you. I have reflected deeply on this subject
since I have been your mistress. Observe that I do not mince matters,
not even my words. Really and truly, I am convinced that I cannot love
you more or better than I do at this moment. You see that I talk to you
just as I talk to myself. I do that because you are very intelligent,
because you understand and can read me like a book, and the best way
is to conceal nothing from you; it is the only way to keep us long and
closely united. And that is what I hope for, my friend."
He listened to her as a man drinks when he is thirsty, then kneeled
before her and laid his head in her lap. He took her little hands and
pressed them to his lips, murmuring: "Thanks! thanks!" When he raised
his eyes to look at her, he saw that there were tears standing in hers;
then placing her arms in turn about André's neck, she gently drew him
toward her, bent over and kissed him upon the eyelids.
"Take a chair," she said; "it is not prudent to be kneeling before me
here."
He seated himself, and when they had contemplated each other in
silence for a few moments, she asked him if he would take her some day
to visit the exhibition that the sculptor Prédolé, of whom everyone
was talking enthusiastically, was then giving of his works. She had
in her dressing-room a bronze Love of his, a charming figure pouring
water into her bath-tub, and she had a great desire to see the complete
collection of the eminent artist's works which had been delighting all
Paris for a week past at the Varin gallery. They fixed upon a date and
then Mariolle arose to take leave.
"Will you be at Auteuil to-morrow?" she asked him in a whisper.
"Oh! Yes!"
He was very joyful on his way homeward, intoxicated by that "Perhaps?"
which never dies in the heart of a lover.