PERSONAL MATTERS.
_Dress of Ladies--Dress of Gentlemen--Manners--Etiquette of
Society--Dinner Parties--Courtship--Marriage--The Ceremony--After
Marriage--Social Intercourse--"Our House," etc._
2386. _Importance of Dress._--Attention to personal appearance is a
human duty as well as a required observance in civilized society.
2387. The following rules will be found useful in guiding the
judgment and taste of those who desire to dress well.
DRESS OF LADIES.
2388. A young lady should always be neatly attired. A fresh-looking
and well-fitting dress is more important than rich materials or showy
ornaments.
2389. Never furbish up old finery, if you wish to appear really the
lady. A clean, soft, white muslin gown is far more genteel than a
tarnished brocade.
2390. _Colors and Complexions._--The great art, as regards colors of
dress, is to enhance the tints of the complexion, care being taken to
let the flesh appear of a healthy natural hue, and to avoid wearing
those colors which heighten or destroy either the red, yellow, or
white, in the natural flesh tints.
2391. _Primitive Colors._--Out of three primitive colors, red,
blue, and yellow, there are endless mixtures and variations, and
some of these can skillfully be adapted to any complexion; but to
do so, these two rules must be observed: the rule of Harmony and of
judicious Contrast.
2392. _Decided Colors_, or colors without mixture, are very
unbecoming. A lady all _blue_ in dress would be more disagreeable
than a real _bleu_.
2393. _Red_, and its dark variations, may be worn by dark persons,
and will harmonize with their complexion.
2394. _Crimson and brilliant red_ are vulgar and unsuitable, but
purple and dark maroon, worn by brunettes, and persons of a dark
complexion, are both becoming and genteel, either in evening or
winter dresses.
2395. _Blue_ is a becoming color to fair faces and blue eyes. It also
looks well worn by brunettes, when the wearer is youthful.
2396. _Light blue_ is a beautiful color for spring dresses; dark
blues look better in the autumn and winter.
2397. _Red Colors._--_Light red and pink_, approaching flesh tints,
are becoming both to dark and to fair; to the former especially,
because they, by contrast, set off the complexion.
2398. Fair persons venturing upon such dresses or trimmings by
daylight, should have clear and excellent complexions, or the
brightness of the color, from a similarity of tint, will make their
faces appear dirty and clouded.
2399. _Chocolate colors_, and warm browns partaking of red, may be
worn by either fair or dark persons, provided they be not too pale,
in which case the contrast will render the face chalky or death-like.
2400. _Yellow_ in dress, as well as orange, is also more becoming to
dark than to fair persons.
2401. _Primrose_ is becoming to fair persons. The trimmings of this
color, the flowers and ribbons, should be violet, such contrast being
agreeable to art and nature.
2402. _Maize_ color is becoming to all complexions, especially to
those which are brilliant.
2403. _Grain_ is more becoming to fair than to dark persons, because
in the fair complexion, brilliancy and depth of color are more
frequently found.
2404. _Pale green_ should never be worn by the dark, it rendering
them sickly and cadaverous in look. To those of a fair and brilliant
complexion it is most becoming.
2405. _Trimmings._--For trimmings and flowers ladies cannot do better
than to study nature, there being in the leaves of flowers every
imaginable tint of green, whilst the flowers themselves are various
in their hue.
2406. _Artificials_ should be few, and perfectly arranged. A load of
flowers is a burden, not a beauty.
2407. The most elegant dresses are black or white.
2408. A vulgar girl wears bright and glaring colors, fantastically
made, a large flaring, red, yellow, or sky-blue hat, covered with a
rainbow of ribbons, and all the rings and trinkets she can load upon
her.
2409. In any assemblage, the most plainly-dressed woman is sure to be
the most lady-like and attractive. Neatness is better than richness,
and plainness better than display.
2410. It is a general rule, applicable to both sexes, that persons
are the best dressed when you cannot remember how they were dressed.
Avoid every thing out of the way, uncommon, or grotesque.
2411. Single ladies dress less in fashionable society than married
ones; and all more plainly and substantially for walking or
traveling, than on other occasions.
2412. Common modesty should prevent indecent exposure of the
shoulders and bosom.
2413. _Tight Lacing._--No woman who laces tight can have good
shoulders, a straight spine, good lungs, sweet breath, or is fit to
be a wife and mother.
2414. Can it be a pleasant sight to behold a woman cut in two in the
middle, as it were, like a wasp? On the contrary, it is as shocking
to the eye as it is painful to the imagination.
2415. Every thing that confines and lays nature under a restraint is
an instance of bad taste. This is as true in regard to the ornaments
of the body as to the embellishments of the mind.
2416. Life, health, reason, and convenience, ought to be taken first
into consideration.
2417. Gracefulness cannot subsist without ease; delicacy is not
debility; nor must a woman be sick in order to please.
2418. The distinction of the sexes, notwithstanding that it is so
prominent and marked, still requires a distinctive dress. This has
generally, by all nations, civilized or savage, been conceded.
2419. This difference has been so permanent, that any attempt to
lessen it--and there have been many--has failed, and must fail
whenever attempted.
2420. _Robes._--The outer garment of woman is, and has been for
centuries, the robe or gown, and upon the proper choice, make, and
disposition of this, and its concomitants, depends the elegance or
inelegance of the wearer.
2421. The gown should fall gracefully from the hips, as free as
possible from the odious "bustle" or "hoop." It should fall in long
full folds, and expand gradually to the feet, which it should touch,
but not entirely cover.
2422. _Flounces_ should only be worn by those of a tall, graceful
figure, and then they should be made of a light material, gauze,
muslin, or of stuff akin to it, so that they fall in gracefully with
the outline of the dress. When made of any rich stuff, which stands
out stiffly, they break the graceful flow of the dress.
2423. Flounces, by marking the height, at regular intervals, take
away from it, and make a short figure look shorter. For this reason,
short persons should not wear stripes running in parallel rings round
the dress. Perpendicular stripes upon a dress make the wearer look
taller, like the flutes in a composite.
2424. The rules which we have given for the color of the dress, must
of course apply to the covering for the head; the colors must, to
look well, contrast or harmonize with the complexion.
2425. Texture, material, and pattern, should suit, not only the
taste, but also the purse. There are few greater evils in this
country than an inordinate passion for dress.
2426. No one looks so well dressed as those who are dressed properly,
neatly, and whose attire sets them at their ease. A lady who is so
over-dressed as to be constantly afraid of spoiling her gown, can
never be graceful, since she cannot be at her ease.
2427. _The hair_ should always be neatly brushed and arranged.
2428. _Ringlets_ make round faces look longer, and more oval; plain
bands make the face which is too long, lose part of that length. This
should be studied. It is manifestly absurd to render oneself hideous
merely to follow the fashion.
2429. The dress of the foot is important both for beauty and health.
2430. Thus, a thin shoe in winter would be vulgar, because useless
and dangerous to the wearer's health, and a thick boot in summer
would be _gauche_ and vulgar.
2431. _Boots and shoes_ should be well, nay, scientifically made. The
foot should be fitted well, but not compressed.
2432. Modern boots and shoes are therefore often made narrow, just
where they should be wide; and the foot, instead of being beautiful
in shape, and graceful in its action, becomes long, narrow,
distorted, and ungraceful when used.
2433. _Gloves_ must be fresh and well-fitting to make the dress
perfect.
2434. Ladies' dresses should be chosen so as to produce an agreeable
harmony.
2435. Never put on a dark-colored bonnet with a light spring costume.
2436. Avoid uniting colors which will suggest an epigram; such as a
straw-colored dress with a green bonnet.
2437. The arrangement of the hair is most important.
2438. Bands are becoming to faces of a Grecian caste.
2439. Ringlets better suit lively and expressive heads.
2440. Whatever be your style of face, avoid an excess of lace, and
let flowers be few and choice.
2441. In a married woman, a richer style of ornament is admissible.
2442. Costly elegance for the married--for the young girl, a style of
modest simplicity.
2443. The most elegant dress loses its character if it is not worn
with grace.
2444. Young girls have often an air of constraint, and their dress
seems to partake of their want of ease.
2445. In speaking of her toilet, a woman should not convey the idea
that her whole skill consists in adjusting tastefully some trifling
ornaments.
2446. A simple style of dress is an indication of modesty.
2447. _Neatness._--The hands should receive special attention. They
are the outward signs of general cleanliness. The same may be said of
the face, the neck, the ears, and the teeth.
2448. The cleanliness of the system generally, and of bodily apparel,
pertains to Health, and will be treated of under this head.
2449. _The Handkerchief._--There is considerable art in using this
accessory of dress and comfort.
2450. Avoid extreme patterns, styles, and colors.
2451. Never be without a handkerchief.
2452. Hold it freely in the hand, and do not roll it into a ball.
Hold it by the centre, and let the corners form a fan-like expansion.
2453. Avoid using it too much. With some persons the habit becomes
troublesome and unpleasant.
2454. _A word to Young Ladies._--If you have blue eyes, you need not
languish.
2455. If black eyes, you need not stare.
2456. If you have pretty feet, there is no occasion to wear short
petticoats.
2457. If you are doubtful as to that point, there can be no harm in
letting them be long.
2458. If you have good teeth, do not laugh for the purpose of showing
them.
2459. If you have bad ones, do not laugh less than the occasion may
justify.
2460. If you have pretty hands and arms, there can be no objection to
your playing on the harp, if you play well.
2461. If they are disposed to be clumsy, work tapestry.
2462. If you have a bad voice, speak in a rather low tone.
2463. If you have the finest voice in the world, never speak in a
high tone.
2464. If you dance well, dance but seldom.
2465. If you dance ill, never dance at all.
2466. If you sing well, make no previous excuses.
2467. If you sing indifferently, hesitate not a moment when you
are asked, for few people are judges of singing, but every one is
sensible of a desire to please.
2468. If you would preserve beauty, rise early.
2469. If you would preserve esteem, be gentle.
2470. If you would obtain power, be condescending.
2471. If you would live happy, endeavor to promote the happiness of
others.
DRESS OF A GENTLEMAN.
2472. Since dress is, with the world, the outward sign of both
character and condition: and since it costs no more to dress well
than ill, and is not very troublesome, every one should endeavor to
do the best that his circumstances will allow.
2473. _The Shirt._--A clean, unrumpled shirt, coarse or fine, cotton
or linen, as you can afford, is of the first importance. If the
choice is between a fine shirt or a fine coat, have the shirt by all
means.
2474. _Fine Linen_, and a good hat, gloves and boots are evidences of
the highest taste in dress.
2475. A gentleman walking should always wear gloves, this being one
of the characteristics of good breeding.
2476. Upon public and State occasions, officers should appear in
uniform.
2478. A black coat and trowsers are indispensable for a visit of
ceremony, an entertainment, or a ball.
2479. The white or black waistcoat is equally proper in these cases.
2480. Yellow or white gloves are worn in the ball-room.
2481. A neat exterior, equally free from extravagance and poverty,
almost always proclaims a right-minded man.
2482. To dress appropriately, and with good taste, is to respect
yourself and others.
2483. _Neatness._--A well-bred man may be ever so reduced in his
wardrobe--his clothes may be coarse and threadbare, but he seldom
wears a coarse, and never a dirty shirt.
2484. _The Boots._--Boots are now men's common wear on all occasions,
varying in elegance for different purposes. They should always be
clean, and invariably well blackened and polished.
2485. _The Hat._--Make a point of buying a good hat. One proper
fur hat, worth four or five dollars, when a year old, looks more
respectable than a silk one bought yesterday.
2486. Of the trowsers little need be said. When full at the bottom
they serve to hide a large foot. If colored trowsers are worn, those
patterns should be chosen which conform to the rules of taste. Bars
running across the legs should be avoided, and also all large staring
patterns.
2487. _The Vest_ allows of some fancy, but beware of being too
fanciful. A black satin is proper for any person or any occasion.
Nothing is more elegant than pure white. Some quiet colors may be
worn for variety, but beware of every thing staring or glaring, in
materials or trimmings.
2488. Avoid all singularity in dress; never wear gaudy waistcoats,
out-of-the-way hats, or coats of the extreme of "sporting fashion:"
such things are positively odious.
2489. We may add a few general maxims, applied to both sexes.
2490. "All affectation in dress," says Chesterfield, "implies a flaw
in the understanding." One should therefore avoid being singular, or
eccentric.
2491. Never dress against any one. Choose those garments which suit
you, and look well upon you, perfectly irrespective of the fact that
a lady or gentleman in the same village or street may excel you.
2492. When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and natural
as if you were in undress.
2493. Dress according to your age. It is both painful and ridiculous
to see an old lady dressed as a belle of four-and-twenty; or an old
fellow, old enough for a grandfather, affecting the costume and the
manners of a _beau_.
2494. Young men should be _well_ dressed. Not foppishly, but neatly
and well. An untidy person at five-and-twenty, degenerates, very
frequently, into a sloven and a boor at fifty.
2495. Be not too negligent, nor too studied, in your attire.
2496. Let your behavior and conversation suit the clothes you wear,
so that those who know you may feel that, after all, dress and
external appearance is the least portion of a LADY OR GENTLEMAN.
MANNERS.
2497. It is sometimes objected to books upon etiquette, that they
cause those who consult them to act with mechanical restraint, and
to show in society that they are governed by arbitrary rules, rather
than by an intuitive perception of what is graceful and polite.
2498. This objection is unsound, because it supposes that people who
study the theory of etiquette, do not also exercise their powers of
observation in society, and obtain, by their intercourse with others,
that freedom and ease of deportment, which society alone can impart.
2499. Books upon etiquette are useful, inasmuch as that they expound
the laws of polite society. Experience alone, however, can give
effect to the precise _manner_ in which those laws are required to be
observed.
2500. Whatever objections may be raised to the teachings of works
upon etiquette, there can be no sound argument against a series of
simple and brief hints, which shall operate as precautions against
mistakes in personal conduct.
2501. Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most
common fault.
2502. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the
affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable but
positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a _cause in the absence
of the person implicated_.
2503. Even in the criminal code, a prisoner is presumed to be
innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just,
and passes judgment without hearing the defense.
2504. Depend upon it, as a certain rule, _that the people who unite
with you in discussing the affairs of others, will proceed to
scandalize you the moment that you depart_.
2505. Be consistent in the avowal of principles. Do not deny to-day,
that which you asserted yesterday. You may fancy that you gain favor
by subserviency; but so far from gaining favor, you lose respect.
2506. Avoid falsehood. There can be found no higher virtue than that
of truth.
2507. Be honest. Not only because "honesty is the best policy," but
because it is a duty to God and to man.
2508. Avoid idleness--it is the parent of many evils. Can you pray,
"Give us this day our daily bread," and not hear the reply, "Do thou
this day thy daily duty?"
2509. Avoid telling idle tales, which is like firing arrows in the
dark; you know not into whose heart they may fall.
2510. Avoid talking about yourself; praising your own works; and
proclaiming your own deeds. If they are good, they will proclaim
themselves; if bad, the less you say of them the better.
2511. Be kind in little things.
2512. The true generosity of the heart is more displayed by deeds of
minor kindness, than by acts which may partake of ostentation.
2513. Reason is given for man's guidance. Passion is the tempest by
which reason is overthrown. Under the effects of passion, man's mind
becomes disordered, his face disfigured, his body deformed.
2514. A moment's passion has frequently cut off a life's friendship,
destroyed a life's hope, imbittered a life's peace, and brought
unending sorrow and disgrace.
2515. Avoid pride. If you are handsome, God made you so; if you are
learned, some one instructed you; if you are rich, God gave you what
you own.
2516. The best men throughout all history, have been the most humble.
2517. Affectation is a form of pride. It is, in fact, pride made
ridiculous and contemptible. Affectation is usually the fault of weak
people.
2518. Avoid swearing. An oath is but the wrath of a perturbed spirit.
2519. It is _mean_. A man of high moral standing would rather treat
an offense with contempt, than show his indignation by an oath.
2520. It is _vulgar_: altogether too low for a decent man.
2521. It is _cowardly_: implying a fear of either not being believed
or obeyed.
2522. It is _ungentlemanly_. A gentleman, according to Webster, is a
_genteel man_--well-bred, refined.
2523. It is _indecent_: offensive to delicacy, and extremely unfit
for human ears.
2524. It is _foolish_. "Want of decency is want of sense."
2525. It is _abusive_--to the mind which conceives the oath, to the
tongue which utters it, and to the person at whom it is aimed.
2526. It is _venomous_, showing a man's heart to be as a nest of
vipers; and every time he swears, one of them starts out from his
head.
2527. It is _contemptible_--forfeiting the respect of all the wise
and good.
2528. It is _wicked_: violating the Divine law, and provoking the
displeasure of Him who will not hold him guiltless who takes his name
in vain.
2529. Be a gentleman. Swear not at all.
2530. Moderation, decorum, and neatness, distinguish the gentleman;
he is at all times affable, diffident, and studious to please.
Intelligent and polite, his behavior is pleasant and graceful.
2531. Appear only to be a gentleman, and its shadow will bring upon
you contempt; be a gentleman, and its honors will remain even after
you are dead.
2532. The foregoing remarks may be said to apply to the moral
conduct, rather than to the details of personal manners.
2533. Great principles, however, suggest minor ones; and hence from
the principles laid down, many hints upon personal behavior may be
gathered.
2534. Be hearty in your salutations.
2535. Be true in your professions.
2536. Discreet and sincere in your friendships.
2537. Like to listen rather than to talk.
2538. Behave, even in the presence of your relations, as though you
felt respect to be due to them.
2539. In society never forget that you are but one of many.
2540. Visiting a friend, conform to the rules of his home.
2541. Lean not upon his tables, nor rub your feet against his chairs.
2542. Pry not into letters that are not your own.
2543. Pay unmistakable respect to ladies everywhere.
2544. Beware of foppery and of silly flirtation.
2545. In public places, be not pertinacious of your rights.
2546. Find pleasure in making concessions.
2547. Speak distinctly.
2548. Look at the person to whom you speak.
2549. When you have spoken, give him an opportunity to reply.
2550. Avoid drunkenness as you would a curse; and modify all
appetites, especially those that are acquired.
2551. Dress well, but not superfluously.
2552. Be neither like a sloven, nor like a stuffed model.
2553. Keep away all uncleanly appearances from the person. Let the
nails, the teeth, and in fact, the whole system receive _salutary_
rather than _studied_ care. But let these things receive attention at
the toilet--not elsewhere.
2554. Avoid displaying excess of jewelry. Nothing looks more
effeminate upon a man.
2555. Every one of these suggestions may be regarded as the centre of
many others, which the earnest mind can not fail to discover.
2556. Avoid envy, for it can not benefit you, nor can it injure those
against whom it is cherished.
2557. Avoid disputation, for the mere sake of argument.
2558. Be sociable; avoid reserve in society.
2559. Remember that the social elements, like the air we breathe, are
purified by motion. Thought illumines thought, and smiles win smiles.
2560. Be punctual. One minute too late has lost many a golden
opportunity. Besides which, the want of punctuality is an affront
offered to the person to whom your presence is due.
2561. Be polite. Politeness is the poetry of conduct--and like poetry
it has many qualities.
2562. Let not your politeness be too florid, but of that gentle kind
which indicates refined nature.
2563. It is true, indeed, that we should not dissemble and flatter in
company; but a man may be very agreeable, strictly consistent with
truth and sincerity, by a prudent silence where he can not concur,
and a pleasing assent where he can.
2564. Now and then you meet with a person so exactly formed to
please, that he will gain upon every one that hears or beholds him;
this disposition is not merely the gift of nature, but frequently
the effect of much knowledge of the world, and a command over the
passions.
2565. _Ceremonies._--All ceremonies are in themselves very silly
things; but, yet a man of the world should know them. They are the
outworks of manners and decency, which would be too often broken in
upon, if it were not for that defense which keeps the enemy at a
proper distance.
2566. _Therefore_ always treat fools and coxcombs with great
ceremony, true good-breeding not being a sufficient barrier against
them.
2567. _Agreeableness._--The true art of being agreeable is to
appear well-pleased with all the company, and rather to seem well
entertained with them than to bring entertainment to them.
2568. Eschew personalities and personal adventures; nothing is more
tedious than one who is addicted to talk prodigiously about himself.
2569. Never, in a mixed company, speak disrespectfully of woman.
2570. Treat your parents with the greatest possible respect. Restrain
yourself even from smiling at their foibles, or their weaknesses.
Obey them, even should you yourself be of mature age.
2571. To restrain your desire for indulgences is not only well bred,
but it is heroic; much good results from it. Watch well the little
sins, and you will escape those which are more gross. This applies,
not only to morals, but to the minor morals--the manners.
2572. A badly-tempered man, and he who has no command over his
passions, will rarely become a polished gentleman.
2573. If you have children, be careful to behave well before them.
Remember that the child naturally and easily imitates the actions of
his parent, be they good or evil.
2574. Any thing which is essentially out of place is vulgar. Thus,
an over familiarity with servants is vulgar, because it is out of
place, and can only lead to a bad result.
RULES OF ETIQUETTE.
2575. In walking with a gentleman, the step of the lady must be
lengthened, and his shortened, to prevent the hobbling appearance of
not keeping step.
2576. Of course, the conversation of a stranger, beyond asking
a necessary question, must be considered as a gross insult, and
repelled with proper spirit.
2577. Having dressed yourself, pay no further attention to your
clothes. Few things look worse than a continual fussing with your
attire.
2578. Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails,
or worse than all, pick your nose in company; all these things are
disgusting. Spit as little as possible, and never upon the floor.
2579. Do not lounge on sofas, nor tip back your chair, nor elevate
your feet.
2580. If you are going into the company of ladies, beware of onions,
spirits, and tobacco.
2581. If you can sing or play, do so at once when requested, without
requiring to be pressed, or make a fuss.
2582. On the other hand, let your performance be brief, or, if ever
so good, it will be tiresome.
2583. When a lady sits down to the pianoforte, some gentleman should
attend her, arrange the music-stool, and turn over the leaves.
2584. Do not make yourself too conspicuous in those attentions. The
lady, not the gentleman, is the performer.
2585. Never tattle, nor repeat in one society any scandal or personal
matter you hear in another.
2586. Give your own opinion of people, if you please, but never
repeat that of others.
2587. Meeting an acquaintance among strangers in the street or a
coffee-house, never address him by name. It is vulgar and annoying.
2588. It is not considered fashionable to introduce two persons who
accidentally meet in your parlor, and who are paying you a morning
visit.
2589. Never introduce in the street, unless the third person joins
and walks with you. You may make an exception to this rule when the
parties are mutually desirous of knowing one another.
2590. When a gentleman is presented to a lady, if she is in her own
house and desires to welcome him, she may shake hands with him; but
on any other occasion, unless the gentleman is venerable, or the
bosom friend of the husband or father, this practice is reprehensible.
2591. A lady is at liberty either to take another lady or a gentleman
to pay a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission; but
she should never allow a gentleman the same liberty.
2592. A lady who is invited to an evening assembly may always request
a gentleman who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to
accompany her.
2593. If you are walking with one lady, do not stop to converse
with others who are unknown to her; as she must necessarily feel
unpleasant; but, if with a gentleman, you may do as you please.
2594. _Visits and Presentations._--Friendship calls should be made in
the forenoon, and require neatness, without costliness of dress.
2595. Calls to give invitations to dinner parties, or balls, should
be very short, and should be paid in the afternoon.
2596. Visits of condolence require a grave style of dress.
2597. A formal visit should never be made before noon. If a second
visitor is announced, it will be proper for you to retire, unless
you are very intimate, both with the host and the visitor announced;
unless, indeed, the host expresses a wish for you to remain.
2598. Visits after balls or parties should be made within a month.
2599. In the latter, it is customary to enclose your card in an
envelope, bearing the address outside. This may be sent by post, if
you reside at a distance. But, in the neighborhood, it is polite to
send your servant, or to call. In the latter case, a corner should be
turned down.
2600. Scrape your shoes and use the mat.
2601. When a new visitor enters a drawing-room, if it be a gentleman,
the ladies bow slightly; if a lady, the guests rise.
2602. Hold your hat in your hand, unless requested to place it down.
Then lay it beside you.
2603. The last arrival in a drawing-room takes a seat left vacant
near the mistress of the house.
2604. A lady is not required to rise on receiving a gentleman, nor to
accompany him to the door.
2605. When your visitor retires, ring the bell for the servant.
You may then accompany your guest as far toward the door as the
circumstances of your friendship seem to demand.
2606. Request the servant, during the visit of guests, to be ready to
attend to the door the moment the bell rings.
2607. When you introduce a person pronounce the name distinctly,
and say whatever you can to make the introduction agreeable. Such
as "an old and valued friend," a "school-fellow of mine," "an old
acquaintance of our family."
2608. Never stare about you in a room as if you were taking stock.
2609. The gloves should not be removed during a visit.
2610. Be hearty in your reception of guests. And where you see much
diffidence, assist the stranger to throw it off.
2611. A lady does not put her address on her visiting card.
2612. In all your associations, keep constantly in view the adage,
"too much freedom breeds contempt."
2613. Never be guilty of practical jokes; if you accustom yourself to
them, it is probable you will become so habituated as to commit them
upon persons who will not allow of such liberties: I have known a
duel to arise from a slap on the back.
2614. If there be another chair in the room, do not offer a lady that
from which you have just risen.
2615. Always suspect the advances of any person who may wish for your
acquaintance, and who has had no introduction: circumstances may
qualify this remark, but as a general principle, acquaintances made
in a public room or place of amusement are not desirable.
2616. Never converse while a person is singing; it is an insult not
only to the singer, but to the company.
2617. The essential part of good breeding is the practical desire
to afford pleasure, and to avoid giving pain. Any man possessing
this desire, requires only opportunity and observation to make him a
gentleman.
2618. Always take off your hat when handing a lady to her carriage,
or the box of a theatre, or a public room.
2619. If, in a public promenade, you pass and repass persons of
your acquaintance, it is only necessary to salute them on the first
occasion.
2620. Do not affect singularity of dress by wearing any thing that is
so conspicuous as to demand attention; and particularly avoid what I
believe I must call the ruffian style.
2621. Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid the
exhibition of anxiety or vexation at want of success.
2622. If you are playing whist, not only keep your temper, but
hold your tongue; any intimation to your partner is decidedly
ungentlemanly.
2623. Let presents to a young lady be characterized by taste, not
remarkable for intrinsic value.
2624. Except under very decided circumstances, it is both
ungentlemanly and dangerous to _cut_ a person: if you wish to
rid yourself of any one's society, a cold bow in the street, and
particular ceremony in the circles of your mutual acquaintance, is
the best mode of conduct to adopt.
2625. Never introduce your own affairs for the amusement of a
company; it shows a sad want of mental cultivation, or excessive
weakness of intellect.
2626. Recollect, also, that such a discussion cannot be interesting
to others, and that the probability is that the most patient listener
is a complete gossip, laying the foundation for some tale to make you
appear ridiculous.
2627. When you meet a gentleman with whom you are acquainted, you
bow, raising your hat slightly with the left hand, which leaves your
right at liberty to shake hands if you stop.
2628. If the gentleman is ungloved, you must take off yours, not
otherwise.
2629. Meeting a lady, the _rule_ is that she should make the first
salute, or at least indicate by her manner that she recognizes you.
2630. Your bow must be lower, and your hat carried further from your
head: but you never offer to shake hands; that is _her_ privilege.
2631. The right, being the post of honor, is given to superiors and
ladies, except in the street, when they take the wall, as furthest
from danger from passing carriages, in walking with or meeting them.
2632. In walking with a lady, you are not bound to recognize
gentlemen with whom she is not acquainted, nor have they, in such a
case, any right to salute, much less to speak to you.
2633. Whenever or wherever you stand, to converse with a lady, or
while handing her into or out of a carriage, keep your hat in your
hand.
2634. Should her shoe become unlaced, or her dress in any manner
disordered, fail not to apprize her of it, respectfully, and offer
your assistance. A gentleman may hook a dress or lace a shoe with
perfect propriety, and should be able to do so gracefully.
2635. Whether with a lady or gentleman, a street talk should be a
short one; and in either case, when you have passed the customary
compliments, if you wish to continue the conversation, you must say,
"Permit me to accompany you."
2636. Don't sing, hum, whistle, or talk to yourself, in walking.
Endeavor, besides being well dressed, to have a calm good-natured
countenance. A scowl always begets wrinkles.
2637. It is best not to smoke at all in public, and none but a
ruffian in grain will inflict upon society the odor of a bad cigar,
or that of any kind on ladies.
2638. Ladies are not allowed, upon ordinary occasions, to take the
arm of any one but a relative or an accepted lover in the street, and
in the day time; but in the evening--in the fields, or in a crowd,
wherever she may need protection--she should not refuse it.
2639. The lady should pass her hand over the gentleman's arm merely,
but should not walk at arm's length apart, as country girls sometimes
do.
DINNER PARTIES.
2640. We will begin with the invitation, the reply to which you will
make at once, for obvious reasons, and address it to the mistress of
the house.
2641. If you accept, arrive at the house very punctually, not
too late nor too early, both are inconvenient, but the latter
irreparable. Get there, therefore, a little before the time, and wait
till the precise moment before knocking.
2642. If you arrive by some accident a great deal too late, do not
disturb the party by going in; send your card and an apology from
some neighboring place.
2643. The host, if attentive, will point out to gentlemen the ladies
whom he wishes them to conduct to table--always follow his directions.
2644. If either at dinner or at supper he should offer you the
place of honor, never refuse it. To do so, as some do, is to show a
pretended modesty; it keeps the rest of the company standing, and is
vulgar in the extreme.
2645. The great requisites in the office of host are to be a good
carver (if they carve at table), a calm temper, and a wish to place
every one perfectly at his ease.
2646. The company should be so arranged that each lady will have
some gentleman at her side, to assist her. Of course, it is every
gentleman's duty, first of all to see that ladies near him are
attended to.
2647. The lady of the house sits at the head of the table, and the
gentleman opposite, at the foot. The place of honor for gentlemen, is
on each side of the mistress of the house--for ladies, on each side
of the master.
2648. When napkins are provided, they are at once carefully unfolded,
and laid on the knees.
2649. Observe, if grace is to be said, and keep a proper decorum. If
soup is served, take a piece of bread in the left hand, and the spoon
in the right, and sip noiselessly from the side of the spoon.
2650. Do not take two plates of the same kind of soup, and never tip
up the plate.
2651. When regular courses are served, the next dish is fish. If
silver or wide-pronged forks are used, eat with the fork in the right
hand--the knife is unnecessary.
2652. If dishes are carved by the servants, they must be taken to a
sideboard from the proper position on the table, as they are required.
2653. Take whatever is given you if you intend to eat it; do not
offer it to your neighbor, and begin at once to eat. The stiff
formality of waiting till, as it were, all have a fair start, is
vulgar in the extreme.
2654. Attend to the wants of the lady who sits next to you, but do
not watch her plate or use any offensive vulgarism.
2655. The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular
dish; his guests will take it for granted that any thing found at his
table is excellent.
2656. The host must not relinquish his knife or fork till his guests
have finished.
2657. It is not usual to drink wine with any of the company present;
if you, however, find it the custom where you dine, adopt it at
once. Champagne is drunk between the meats and the dessert.
2658. Never address a servant, nor ever speak _of_ one at dinner.
2659. Should a gentleman send you wine at a public table, or ask the
honor of a glass with you, observe when he raises his glass, and do
the same, bowing, whether you drink or not.
2660. As a general rule, in helping any one at table, never use a
knife when you can use a spoon.
2661. If at dinner you are requested to help any one to sauce, do not
pour it over the meat or vegetables, but on one side.
2662. If you should have to carve and help a joint, do not load a
person's plate--it is vulgar; also in serving soup, one ladleful to
each plate is sufficient.
2663. Eat peas with a dessert spoon, and curry also. Tarts and
puddings are to be eaten with a spoon.
2664. After the dinner, a rose-water dish is passed round; dip a
corner of your napkin in it, and refresh your mouth and hands.
Finger-glasses are not in vogue.
2665. Be careful not to drink too much wine; and join the ladies in
the drawing-room as quickly as possible.
2666. Ladies, although allowed a great latitude of dress at
dinner-parties, should never be extravagantly fine.
BALLS AND EVENING PARTIES.
2667. An invitation to a ball should be given _at least_ a week
beforehand.
2668. Upon entering, first address the lady of the house; and after
her, the nearest acquaintances you may recognize in the house.
2669. If you introduce a friend, make him acquainted with the names
of the chief persons present. But first present him to the lady of
the house, and to the host.
2670. Appear in full dress.
2671. Always wear gloves.
2672. Do not wear rings on the outside of your gloves.
2673. Avoid an excess of jewelry.
2674. Do not select the same partner frequently.
2675. Distribute your attention as much as possible.
2676. Pay respectful attention to elderly persons.
2677. Be cordial when serving refreshments, but not importunate.
2678. If there are more dancers than the room will accommodate, do
not join in every dance.
2679. In leaving a large party, it is unnecessary to bid farewell,
and improper to do so before the guests.
2680. A Paris card of invitation to an evening party usually implies
that you are invited for the season.
2681. The host and hostess should look after their guests, and not
confine their attentions. They should, in fact, assist those chiefly
who are the least known in the room.
2682. Avoid political and religious discussions. If you have a
"hobby," keep it to yourself.
2683. After dancing, conduct your partner to a seat.
2684. Resign her as soon as her next partner advances.
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
2685. No union should be undertaken until both of the contracting
parties are fully acquainted with each other's disposition.
2686. If either man or woman are subject to indulge in any foible,
or known vice, such as irritability, idleness, love of scandal,
drunkenness, or worse, he or she should not marry till that vice is
conquered.
2687. When before union there is an unreasonable, absurd, and
romantic degree of affection, that marriage will probably be an
unhappy one.
2688. When a woman knows a man to be addicted to any known
self-indulgence, or to that which the world too frequently calls
pleasure, she should discountenance him.
2689. Position in society is frequently reckoned as more than an
equivalent for riches. Yet neither a wise man nor woman will seek to
marry greatly out of their sphere of life.
2690. When you are going to marry, do not expect more from life than
life will afford.
2691. For acquirements, look more to solid knowledge, either in wife
or husband, than to accomplishments.
2692. When a young man admires a lady, and thinks her society
necessary to his happiness, it is proper, before committing himself,
or inducing the object of his admiration to do so, to apply to
her parents or guardians for permission to address her; this is
a becoming mark of respect, and the circumstances must be very
peculiar, which would justify a deviation from this course.
2693. Young men frequently amuse themselves by playing with the
feelings of young women. They visit them often, they walk with them,
they pay them divers attentions, and after giving them an idea that
they are attached to them, they either leave them, or, what is
worse, never come to an explanation of their sentiments. This is to
act the character of a "dangler," a character truly dastardly and
infamous.
2694. In case of rejection, the gentleman should at once, unless
under peculiar circumstances, abstain from his suit. Unless he does
so, his conduct becomes persecuting.
2695. Ladies should never, by the slightest familiarity, encourage
any one whom they would object to marry.
2696. Rejection should be courteous, definite, and decisive; but
couched in a manner that, whilst it deprives the suitor of hope,
inflicts no pain.
2697. Engaged people should avoid compliments in company.
2698. A proposal being made, the lady should first signify her own
willingness, and then refer her suitor to her parents.
2699. In public, or in company, the conduct of lovers should be
guarded. Avoid all show of extreme preference. Neither caress nor
chide before others.
2700. Letters, trinkets, and presents, when engagements are broken
off, are always returned by both parties.
2701. Long engagements are dangerous.
2702. If a gentleman does not intend to marry a lady, he has no
right to make his attentions peculiar. He should consider her true
interest, and he would not trifle with her affections.
2703. _Love's Telegraph._--If a gentleman wants a wife, he wears a
ring on the _first_ finger of the left hand; if he is engaged, he
wears it on the _second_ finger; if married, on the _third_; and on
the _fourth_, if he never intends to be married.
2704. When a lady is not engaged, she wears a hoop or diamond on her
_first_ finger; if engaged, on the _second_; if married, on the
_third_; and on the _fourth_, if she intends to die a maid.
2705. When a gentleman presents a fan, flower, or trinket, to a lady
with the _left_ hand, this on his part, is an overture of regard;
should she receive it with the _left_ hand, it is considered as an
acceptance of his esteem; but if with the _right_ hand, it is a
refusal of the offer.
2706. Thus, by a few simple tokens, explained by rule, the passion
of love is expressed: and, through the medium of the telegraph, the
most timid and diffident man may, without difficulty, communicate
his sentiments of regard to a lady, and in case his offer should be
refused, avoid experiencing the mortification of an explicit refusal.
2707. _Marriage Ceremony._--Weddings are everywhere accompanied with
some degree of ceremony, and are usually considered as occasions of
festivity.
2708. The preliminaries having been arranged by the contracting
parties, and the lady having named the happy day, preparations are
made for the wedding.
2709. Those who belong to the Episcopal and Roman Catholic churches
are usually married at church, in the morning, and by the prescribed
forms.
2710. In some cases there is a wedding-party given in the evening; in
others, the happy couple make a short wedding tour, and issue cards
of invitation on their return.
2711. Where a wedding is celebrated in the usual forms, cards of
invitation are issued at least a week beforehand.
2712. The hour selected is usually eight o'clock, P. M.
2713. Wedding cakes, wines, and other refreshments are provided by
the bride and her friends for the occasion.
2714. The bride is usually dressed in pure white--she wears a white
vail, and her head is crowned with a wreath of white flowers, usually
artificial; and orange blossoms are preferred.
2715. She should wear no ornaments but such as her intended husband
or her father may present her for the occasion--certainly no gift, if
any such were retained, of any former sweetheart.
2716. The bridesmaid, or bridesmaids, if there be two, or more, are
generally younger than the bride, and should also be dressed in
white, but more simply.
2717. The bridegroom must be in full dress, that is, he must wear a
dress coat, which if he pleases, may be faced with white satin; a
white satin vest, black pantaloons, and dress boots or pumps, black
silk stockings, and white kid gloves, and a white cravat.
2718. The bridegroom is attended by one or two, or more, groomsmen,
who should be dressed in a similar manner.
2719. It is the duty of the bridesmaids to assist in dressing the
bride, and making the necessary preparations for the entertainment of
the guests.
2720. The chief groomsman engages the clergyman or magistrate, and
upon his arrival introduces him to the bride and bridegroom, and the
friends of the parties.
2721. The invited guests, upon their arrival, are received as at
other parties, and after visiting the dressing-rooms, and arranging
their toilettes, they proceed to the room where the ceremony is to be
performed.
2722. In some cases the marriage is performed before the arrival of
the guests.
2723. When the hour for the ceremony has arrived, and all things are
ready, the wedding party, consisting of the happy couple, with the
bridesmaids and groomsmen, walk into the room arm in arm.
2724. The groomsmen, each attending the bridesmaids, precede the
bride and bridegroom, and take their position at the head of the
room, which is usually the end furthest from the entrance; the bride
standing facing the assembly on the left of the bridegroom--the
bridesmaids taking their position at her left, and the groomsmen at
the right of the bridegroom.
2725. The principal groomsman now formally introduces the clergyman
or magistrate to the bride and bridegroom, and he proceeds to perform
the marriage ceremony; if a ring is to be used, the bridegroom
procures a plain gold one, previously taking some means to have it of
the proper size.
2726. As soon as the ceremony is over, and the bridegroom has kissed
the bride, the clergyman or magistrate shakes hands with the bride,
saluting her by her newly-acquired name, as Mrs. ----, and wishes
them joy, prosperity and happiness.
2727. Then the groomsmen and bridesmaids do the same; and then the
principal groomsmen brings to them the other persons in the room,
commencing with the parents and relatives of the parties, the
bride's relatives having precedence, and ladies being accompanied by
gentlemen.
2728. In this manner, all present are expected to make their
salutations and congratulations, first to the newly-married couple,
and then to their parents and friends.
2729. And where the wedding ceremony has been performed before the
arrival of the guests, they are received near the door, having, of
course, first visited the dressing-rooms, and are introduced in the
same manner.
2730. The groomsman takes occasion, before the clergyman or
magistrate leaves, to privately thank him for his attendance, at the
same time placing in his hand the marriage fee, which is wrapped up
nicely in paper, and if more than the legal sum, as is frequently the
case where the parties are wealthy, it is usually in gold.
2731. The bridegroom, of course, takes an early opportunity to
reimburse his groomsman for necessary expenses.
2732. When the presentations and congratulations are over, that is,
when the guests have arrived, the bridal party, which till now has
kept its position, mingles with the rest of the company, and joins in
the dancing or other amusements.
2733. The practice of kissing the bride is not so common as formerly,
and in regard to this, the taste of the bridegroom may be consulted,
as the rest of the company follow the example of the groomsman; but
the parents and very near relatives of the parties, of course, act as
affection prompts them.
2734. When the ceremony is performed according to the Protestant
Episcopal service, the order of going to church is as follows:
2735. The bride, accompanied by her _father_, not unfrequently her
_mother_, and uniformly by a _bridesmaid_, occupies the _first
carriage_.
2736. The father hands out the bride, and leads her to the altar,
the mother and bridesmaid following. After them come the other
bridesmaids, attended by the groomsmen, if there are more than one.
2737. _The bridegroom_ occupies the _last carriage_, with the
principal groomsman, an intimate friend or brother.
2738. He follows, and stands facing the altar, with _the bride at his
left hand_. The father places himself behind, with the mother, if she
attends.
2739. _The chief bridesmaid_ occupies a place on the _left_ of the
_bride_, to hold her gloves and handkerchief, and flowers; her
_companions_ range themselves on _the left_.
2740. Remember to _take the ring with you_. The fee to a clergyman is
according to the fortune of the bridegroom; and a trifle should be
given to the sexton.
2741. When the ceremony is concluded, _the bride takes the groom's
arm_, they enter their carriage, and proceed to the breakfast, every
one else following.
2742. _The order of return from church_ differs from the above only
in the fact that the bride and bridegroom now ride together, the
bride being on his left, and a bridesmaid, and a groomsman, or the
father of the bride, occupying the front seats of the carriage.
2743. _The wedding breakfast_ having been already prepared, the
wedding party return thereto.
2744. If a large party, the bride and bridegroom occupy seats in the
centre of the long table, and the two extremities should be presided
over by elderly relatives, if possible one from each family.
2745. Every body should endeavor to make the occasion as happy as
possible.
2746. After marriage, the bridal party usually travel for a week
or two; upon their return, it is customary for the bride to be at
home for a few days to receive visits. The first four weeks after
marriage, constitute the honeymoon.
2747. You need not retain the whole of your previous acquaintance;
those only to whom you send cards, are, after marriage, considered in
the circle of your visiting acquaintance.
2748. The parents or friends of the bride usually send the cards
to her connections; the bridegroom selects those persons among his
former associates whom he wishes to retain as such.
2749. The cards are sometimes united by a silken cord, or white
ribbon, to distinguish those of a newly married pair from ordinary
visitors; but it is doubtful whether it be in good taste.
2750. A married woman may leave her own or her husband's card in
returning a visit; the latter only would be adopted as a resource in
the event of her not having her own with her.
2751. Cards should (if belonging to the gentleman) be plain, plainly
written or printed, and unglazed and ungilt.
2752. Ladies should have their cards enameled, but, for obvious
reasons, the name plain and distinct, so as to catch the eye at once.
2753. When a man marries, it is understood that all former
acquaintanceship ends, unless he intimate a desire to renew it, by
sending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if
distant.
2754. If this be neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired.
2755. In the first place: A bachelor is seldom very particular in
the selection of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will
associate freely enough with those whose morals and habits would
point them out as highly dangerous persons to introduce into the
sanctity of domestic life.
2756. Secondly. A married man has the tastes of another to consult;
and the friends of the husband may not be equally acceptable to the
wife.
2757. Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of
their friends, from commendable motives of economy.
2758. When a man first "_sets up_" in the world, the burden of an
extensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be felt in various ways.
2759. Many have had cause to regret the weakness of mind which
allowed them to plunge into a vortex of gayety and expense they could
ill afford, from which they have found it difficult to extricate
themselves, and the effects of which have proved a serious evil to
them in after life.
2760. When a man is about to be married, he usually gives a dinner to
his bachelor friends; which is understood to be their congé unless he
choose to renew their acquaintance.
2761. _Wedding-rings._--The custom of wearing wedding-rings appears
to have taken its rise among the Romans.
2762. Before the celebration of their nuptials, there was a meeting
of friends at the house of the lady's father to settle articles of
the marriage contract, when it was agreed that the dowry should be
paid down on the wedding-day or soon after.
2763. On this occasion, there was commonly a feast, at the conclusion
of which the man gave to the woman as a pledge, a ring, which she put
on the fourth finger of her left hand, _because it was believed that
a nerve reached thence to the heart_, and a day was then named for
the marriage.
2764. _Wedding cakes._--Four pounds of fine flour, well dried, four
pounds of fresh butter, two pounds of loaf sugar, a quarter of a
pound of mace pounded and sifted fine, the same of nutmegs.
2765. To every pound of flour add eight eggs; wash four pounds of
currants; let them be well picked and dried before the fire; blanch a
pound of sweet almonds, and cut them lengthwise very thin; a pound of
citron, one pound of candied orange, the same of candied lemon; half
a pint of brandy.
2766. When these are made ready, work the butter with your hand to a
cream, then beat in your sugar, a quarter of an hour, beat the whites
of your eggs to a very strong froth; mix them with your sugar and
butter; beat your eggs half an hour at least, and mix them with your
cake; then put in your flour, mace and nutmeg; keep beating it well
till your oven is ready--pour in the brandy, and beat the currants
and almonds lightly in.
2767. Tie three sheets of white paper round the bottom of your hoop
to keep it from running out; rub it well with butter, put in your
cake, lay the sweetmeats in layers, with cake between each layer, and
after it is risen and colored, cover it with paper before your oven
is stopped up; it will require three hours to bake properly.
2768. _Almond Icing for Wedding Cake._--Beat the whites of three
eggs to a strong froth; beat a pint of Jordan almonds very fine with
rose-water; mix them, with the eggs, lightly together; put in by
degrees a pound of common loaf sugar in powder.
2769. When the cake is baked enough, take it out, and lay it on the
icing; then put it in to brown.
2770. _After Marriage._--The power of a wife for good or evil, is
irresistible. Home must be the seat of happiness, or it must be for
ever unknown.
2771. A good wife is to a man, wisdom and courage, and strength and
endurance.
2772. A bad wife is confusion, weakness, discomfiture, and despair.
2773. No condition is hopeless where the wife possesses firmness,
decision, and economy.
2774. There is no outward prosperity which can counteract indolence,
extravagance, and folly at home. No spirit can long endure bad
domestic influence.
2775. Man is strong, but his heart is not adamant. He delights in
enterprise and action; but to sustain him he needs a tranquil mind,
and a whole heart. He needs his moral force in the conflicts of the
world.
2776. To recover his equanimity and composure, home must be to him
a place of repose, of peace, of cheerfulness, of comfort; and his
soul renews its strength again, and goes forth with fresh vigor to
encounter the labor and troubles of life.
2777. But if at home he finds no rest, and is there met with bad
temper, sullenness, or gloom, or is assailed by discontent or
complaint, hope vanishes, and he sinks into despair.
2778. A wife must learn, to form her husband's happiness, in what
direction the secret lies; she must not cherish his weaknesses by
working upon them; she must not rashly run counter to his prejudices;
her motto must be, never to irritate.
2779. She must study never to draw largely on the small stock of
patience in a man's nature, nor to increase his obstinacy by trying
to drive him; never, never, if possible, to have scenes.
2780. We doubt much if a real quarrel, even made up, does not loosen
the bond between man and wife, and sometimes, unless the affection of
both be very sincere, lastingly.
2781. If irritation should occur, a woman must expect to hear from
most men a strength and vehemence of language far more than the
occasion requires. Mild, as well as stern men, are prone to this
exaggeration of language; let not a woman be tempted to say any thing
sarcastic or violent in retaliation. The bitterest repentance must
needs follow if she do.
2782. Men frequently forget what they have said, but seldom what is
uttered by their wives. They are grateful, too, for forbearance in
such cases; for, whilst asserting most loudly that they are right,
they are often conscious that they are wrong.
2783. Give a little time, as the greatest boon you can bestow, to the
irritated feelings of your husband.
2784. It is astonishing how much the cheerfulness of a wife
contributes to the happiness of home.
2785. She is the sun--the centre of a domestic system, and her
children are like planets around her, reflecting her rays.
2786. How merry the little ones look when the mother is joyous and
good-tempered; and how easily and pleasantly her household labors are
overcome!
2787. _How to Treat a Wife._--First, get a wife; secondly, be patient.
2788. You may have great trials and perplexities in your business
with the world, but do not carry to your home a clouded or contracted
brow.
2789. Your wife may have had many trials, which, though of less
magnitude, may have been as hard to bear.
2790. A kind, conciliating word, a tender look, will do wonders in
chasing from her brow all clouds of gloom.
2791. You encounter difficulties in the open air, fanned by heaven's
cool breezes; but your wife is often shut in from these healthful
influences, and her health fails, and her spirits lose their
elasticity.
2792. But oh! bear with her; she has trials and sorrows to which you
are a stranger, but which your tenderness can deprive of all their
anguish.
2793. Notice kindly her little attentions and efforts to promote your
comfort.
2794. Do not treat her with indifference, if you would not sear and
palsy her heart, which, watered by kindness, would, to the latest day
of your existence, throb with sincere and constant affection.
2795. Sometimes yield your wishes to hers. She has preferences as
strong as you, and it may be just as trying to yield her choice as to
you.
2796. Do you find it hard to yield sometimes? Think you it is not
difficult for her to give up always?
2797. If you never yield to her wishes, there is danger that she will
think you are selfish, and care only for yourself, and with such
feelings she can not love as she might.
2798. Again, show yourself manly, so that your wife can look up to
you and feel that you will act nobly, and that she can confide in
your judgment.
2799. You can hardly imagine how refreshing it is to occasionally
call up the recollection of your courting days.
2800. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the appointed time
of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how fond was the
first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent were your
vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when, returning to
your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love of the
object of your warm affections.
2801. Is your dream realized?--are you as happy as you expected?
2802. Why not? Consider whether as a husband you are as fervent and
constant as you were when a lover.
2803. Remember that the wife's claims to your unremitting
regard--great before marriage, are now exalted to a much higher
degree.
2804. She has left the world for you--the home of her childhood, the
fireside of her parents, their watchful care and sweet intercourse
have all been yielded up for you.
2805. Look then most jealously upon all that may tend to attract
you from home, and to weaken that union upon which your temporal
happiness mainly depends; and believe that in the solemn relationship
of husband is to be found one of the best guarantees for man's honor
and happiness.
2806. When once a man has established a home, his most important
duties have fairly begun.
2807. The errors of youth may be overlooked; want of purpose, and
even of honor, in his earlier days, may be forgotten.
2808. But from the moment of his marriage he begins to write his
indelible history; not by pen and ink, but by actions--by which he
must ever afterward be reported and judged.
2809. His conduct at home; his solicitude for his family; the
training of his children; his devotion to his wife; his regard for
the interests of eternity, are his record.
2810. Seek to govern your own household by the display of high moral
excellence.
2811. A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience
of trifling delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passions at the
slightest provocation, can add no laurel to your own "lordly" brow,
impart no sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by
whom you may be surrounded.
2812. It is one thing to be a _master_--another thing to be a _man_.
The latter should be the husband's aspiration; for he who can not
govern himself is ill-qualified to govern another.
OUR HOUSE.
2813. _If a young married couple_ intend to furnish a house, we say
to them--Attend to these rules.
2814. Do not spend all your money, be it much or little. Do not let
the beauty of this thing, and the cheapness of that, tempt you to buy
unnecessary articles.
2815. Buy merely enough to get along with at first. It is only by
experience that you can tell what will be the wants of your family.
2816. If you spend all your money, you will find you have purchased
many things you do not want, and have no means left to get many
things which you do want.
2817. If you have enough, and more than enough, to get every thing
suitable to your situation, do not think you must spend it all,
merely because you happen to have it.
2818. Begin humbly. As riches increase, it is easy and pleasant to
increase in comforts; but it is always painful and inconvenient to
decrease. After all, these things are viewed in their proper light by
the truly judicious and respectable.
2819. Neatness, tastefulness, and good sense may be shown in the
management of a small household, and the arrangement of a little
furniture, as well as upon a larger scale; and these qualities are
always praised, and always treated with respect and attention.
2820. The consideration which many purchase by living beyond their
income, and, of course, living upon others, is not worth the trouble
it costs.
2821. The glare there is about this false and wicked parade is
deceptive: it does not, in fact, procure a man valuable friends, or
extensive influence.
2822. _If the house is rented._--Before taking a house, be careful
to calculate that the rent is not too high in proportion to your
means; for remember that the rent is a claim which must be paid with
but little delay, and that the landlord has greater power over your
property than any other creditor.
2823. Having determined the amount of rent which you can afford to
pay, be careful to select the best house which can be obtained for
that sum. And in making that selection, let the following matters be
carefully considered:
2824. First.--Carefully regard the healthfulness of the situation.
Avoid the neighborhood of graveyards, and of factories giving forth
unhealthy vapors; avoid low and damp districts, the course of canals,
and localities of reservoirs of water, gas-works, &c.; make inquiries
as to the drainage of the neighborhood, and inspect the drainage and
water supply of the premises.
2825. A house standing on an incline is likely to be better drained
than one standing upon the summit of a hill, or on a level below a
hill.
2826. Endeavor to obtain a position where the direct sun-light falls
upon the house, for this is absolutely necessary to health; and give
preference to a house the openings of which are sheltered from the
north and east winds.
2827. Second.--Consider the distance of the house from your place
of occupation; and also its relation to provision markets, and the
prices that prevail in the neighborhood.
2828. Having considered these material and leading features, examine
the house in detail, carefully looking into its state of repair.
2829. Notice the windows that are broken; whether the chimneys
smoke; whether they have been recently swept; whether the paper
on the walls is damaged, especially in the lower parts, and the
corners by the skirtings; whether the locks, bolts, handles of doors,
and window-fastenings are in proper condition; make a list of the
fixtures.
2830. Ascertain whether all rent and taxes were paid up by the
previous tenant, and whether the party from whom you take the house
is the original landlord, or his agent or tenant.
2831. And do not commit yourself by the signing of any agreement
until you are satisfied upon all these points, _and see that all has
been done which the landlord had undertaken_.
2832. _In the country_, the married couple usually go to a house of
their own.
2833. _Our House!_--It is a phrase of great importance, and gives
dignity to the newly married.
2834. _Society._--Social intercourse is necessary to our happiness
and improvement.
2835. _Conversation_ is the medium by which social intercourse is
maintained.
2836. Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of
cultivation, as style in writing. The manner of saying things is what
gives them their value.
2837. Avoid provincialisms in your language and pronunciation.
Webster is the standard for pronouncing in the best society in the
United States.
2838. Under favorable circumstances, and among persons who know
how to train a conversation, there are few if any amusements more
grateful to the human mind.
2839. The object of conversation is to entertain and amuse. To be
agreeable you must learn to be a good listener. A man who monopolizes
a conversation is a bore, no matter how great his knowledge.
2840. Never get into a dispute. State your opinions, but do not argue
them.
2841. Do not contradict; and above all, never offend by correcting
mistakes or inaccuracies of fact or expression.
2842. Never lose temper--never notice a slight--never seem conscious
of an affront, unless it is of a gross character, and then punish it
at once.
2843. You can never quarrel in the presence of ladies, but a personal
indignity may be avenged _anywhere_.
2844. Never talk of people by hints, slurs, innuendos, and such mean
devices. If you have any thing to say, out with it. Nothing charms
more than candor, when united with good breeding.
2845. Do not call people by their names, in speaking to them. In
speaking of your own children, never "Master" and "Miss" them--in
speaking to other people of theirs, never neglect to do so.
2846. Be very careful in speaking of subjects upon which you are not
acquainted.
2847. Much is to be learned by confessing your ignorance--nothing can
be gained by pretending to knowledge which you do not possess.
2848. Never tell long stories. Avoid all common slang phrases and pet
words.
2849. Of all things, don't attempt to be too fine. Use good honest
English--and common words for common things.
2850. Good sense, sound and varied information, are as necessary as
confidence, to enable a man to converse well.
2851. Every one knows something which he is willing to tell, and
which any other that he is in company with wishes to know, or which
if known to him, would be amusing or useful.
2852. To be a skillful conversationist, one's eyes and ears should be
busy; nothing should escape his observation. His memory should be a
good one, and he should have a good-natured willingness to please and
to be pleased.
2853. Avoid a loud tone, particularly in speaking to ladies.
2854. By observing men of the world, you will perceive that their
voices, as it were, involuntarily assume a softness as they address
the sex; this is one of the most obvious proofs of an intimacy with
good society.
2855. Never attempt to occupy the attention of a company for a long
time; unless your conversation is very brilliant, it must become very
tiresome.
2856. Be not partial to theorizing, or your conversation will assume
the style of speech-making, which is intolerable.
2857. Badinage is pleasant, but it may be dangerous; stupid people
may imagine you are ridiculing them, and the stupid are the most
assiduous enemies.
2858. Abjure punning; it has been aptly designated "the wit of
fools." Gentlemen never pun.
2859. A tattler is a most contemptible character, uniting in person
either excessive ignorance, folly, and vanity, or the extremes of
meanness, mischief and malignity.
2860. Women ordinarily slander more from vanity than vice--men, from
jealousy than malignity.
2861. Without intending mischief, many persons do much by repeating
conversations from one house to another.
2862. A man should never permit himself to lose his temper in
society, nor show that he has taken offense at any supposed
slight--it places him in a disadvantageous position--betraying an
absence of self-respect, or at the least of self-possession.
2863. If, upon the entrance of a visitor, you continue a conversation
begun before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer.
2864. There cannot be a custom more vulgar or offensive than that of
taking a person aside to whisper in a room with company, yet this
rudeness is of frequent occurrence--and that with persons who ought
to know better.
2865. Questions upon that which does not immediately concern you, are
impertinent.
2866. Be well read, for the sake of the general company and the
ladies, in the literature of the day. You will, thereby, enlarge the
regions of pleasurable talk. Besides, it is often necessary.
2867. Hazlitt, who had entertained an unfounded prejudice against
Dickens's works when they were first written, confesses that at last
he was obliged to read them, because he could not enter a mixed
company without hearing them admired and quoted.
2868. Always avoid any thing like absence of mind. Some fops assume
this, but it is silly and contemptible.
2869. In order to put everybody in the company at ease, we should
adopt the manners and customs of those with whom we happen for the
time to consort.
2870. People who, having traveled, adopt, as many do, foreign
phraseology, idiom, or accent, are excessively vulgar.
2871. Be especially careful, in a mixed company, whom you satirize.
2872. Swearing, which formerly pervaded every rank of society, is now
to be chiefly found in a very low and uninstructed class; it is, in
fact, a vulgar and proscribed mode of speech.
2873. To those who are guilty of it, for these reasons it is only
necessary to point out, that no well-informed person can be at the
least loss, with the genuine words of the English language, to
express all legitimate ideas and feelings; and that to use either
profane or slang words is, at the least, the indication of a low
taste and inferior understanding.
2874. Never presume to cultivate an over-familiarity of manner, which
is always offensive; rather be reserved--even to your best friends.
If you proceed with members of your family to a party, do not be seen
talking with them.
2875. Try to make every one at their ease; and if you find other
people are not so well bred as you could wish, take the will for the
deed, and never show, nor attempt to show, your disgust at them.
2876. Try heartily to please everybody, and you will be pleased
yourself; and, besides this, render yourself the most agreeable
person in the room.
2877. Should you chance to be thrown into the company of what the
man in the farce calls a real live lord, do not interlard your talk
with "my lord," and "your lordship." Sir is sufficient, after once
addressing him as "my lord," to show that you _are_ acquainted with
his rank. Madam is to be used to a lady of title, to whom also the
previous rule applies.
2878. There are many talkers, but few who know how to converse
agreeably.
2879. Speak distinctly, neither too rapidly nor too slowly.
2880. Accommodate the pitch of your voice to the hearing of the
person with whom you are conversing.
2881. Never speak with your mouth full.
2882. Tell your jokes and laugh afterward.
2883. Dispense with superfluous words--such as "Well, I should think."
2884. In society we sometimes meet opionated, selfish people, who
fancy they know every thing, when in reality they know nothing!
2885. The real end of acquiring a polite manner is to make yourself
pleasing, and your company acceptable to all. This must be done by
little sacrifices--by curbing, if you be plagued with it, your desire
to engross the conversation, or, on the contrary, breaking through
your habitual taciturnity.
2886. The woman who wishes her conversation to be agreeable, will
avoid conceit or affectation, and laughter which is not natural and
spontaneous.
2887. Her language will be easy and unstudied, marked by a graceful
carelessness, which, at the same time, never oversteps the limits of
propriety.
2888. Her lips will readily yield to a pleasant smile; she will
not love to hear herself talk; her tones will bear the impress of
sincerity, and her eyes kindle with animation, as she speaks.
2889. The art of pleasing is, in truth, the very soul of good
breeding; for the precise object of the latter is to render us
agreeable to all with whom we associate; to make us, at the same
time, esteemed and loved.
2890. We need scarcely advert to the rudeness of interrupting any
one who is speaking, or to the impropriety of pushing, to its full
extent, a discussion which has become unpleasant.
2891. Some men have a mania for Greek and Latin quotations; this is
peculiarly to be avoided. It is like pulling up the stones from a
tomb wherewith to kill the living. Nothing is more wearisome than
pedantry.
2892. If you feel your intellectual superiority to any one with whom
you are conversing, do not seek to bear him down; it would be an
inglorious triumph, and a breach of good manners.
2893. Beware, too, of speaking lightly of subjects which bear a
sacred character.
2894. Witlings occasionally gain a reputation in society; but nothing
is more insipid and in worse taste than their conceited harangues and
self-sufficient air.
2895. It is a common idea that the art of writing and the art of
conversation are one; this is a great mistake. A man of genius may be
a very dull talker.
2896. The two grand modes of making your conversation interesting,
are to enliven it by recitals calculated to affect and impress your
hearers, and to intersperse it with anecdotes and smart things.
2897. It follows that all matter of offense in conversation should be
avoided. The self-love of others is to be respected.
2898. Therefore, no one is tolerated who makes himself the subject of
his own commendation, nor who disregards the feelings of those whom
he addresses.
2899. There is as much demand for politeness and civility in
conversation as in any other department of social intercourse.
2900. One who rudely interrupts another, does much the same thing as
though he should, when walking with another, impertinently thrust
himself before his companion, and stop his progress.
2901. _Rules of Conduct._--The following excellent rules are from the
diary of Mrs. Fry:--
2902. 1. Never lose any time; I do not think that lost which is spent
in amusement or recreation, some time every day; but always be in the
habit of being employed.
2903. 2. Never err the least in truth.
2904. 3. Never say any ill thing of a person when thou canst say a
good thing of him; not only speak charitably, but feel so.
2905. 4. Never be irritable or unkind to any body.
2906. 5. Never indulge thyself in luxuries that are not necessary.
2907. 6. Do all things with consideration; and, when thy path to act
right is most difficult, feel confidence in that Power alone which is
able to assist thee, and exert thy own powers as far as they go.