_House of Commons, Monday, February 20._--New Chairman to-day; dropped in
in most casual way. Wondered to see MELLOR wandering about Library and
corridors at three o'clock in afternoon in full evening dress. "Going out
to tea?" I asked, in my genial way.
"Order! order!" said MELLOR; "the Hon. Member will please give notice of
that question." And he stalked off, trying to convey to the mind of his
astonished interlocutor as near an approach to back view of COURTNEY as
could be attained, without loan of late Chairman's famous summer
pantaloons.
Everything explained later. Soon as questions over, Mr. G., rising and
fixing glittering eye on SPEAKER, observed, "I beg to move that you, Sir,
do now leave the Chair." Strangers in Gallery pricked up their ears;
thought SPEAKER been doing something, and was now in for it. Right Hon.
Gentleman offered no defence, but meekly left Chair. Mr. G. up again like a
shot. "I beg to move that Mr. MELLOR do take the Chair," he said. Then
MELLOR (fortuitously on spot in evening dress) stepped into Chair, where
through six Sessions, COURTNEY has sat ruling the whirlwind out of order,
and riding on the storm. All done in moment. Before you knew where you
were, there was new Chairman of Committees proposing vote of L2,000 for
rearrangement of rooms in Houses of Parliament. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose, with
evident intent of wanting to know "about these rooms," when irrepressible
Mr. G. on his feet again. "I beg to move," he said, addressing Chairman,
"that you do report progress, and ask leave to sit again."
Rather hard this on MELLOR. Just got into Chair; beginning to feel
comfortable. Had proposed subject that might have agreeably occupied
Committee for half an hour, when here comes the untameable, irresistible,
peremptory Mr. G., and bundles him off. At first some signs of inclination
to resist. New Chairman, having put question and declared it carried,
should forthwith have stepped away from the table. MELLOR dropped into
Chair again.
A moment of embarrassment. COURTNEY, looking critically on form below
Gangway, grimly smiled. Members under Gallery tittered. Clerk nudged new
Chairman in ribs. MELLOR sat on till, lifting his eyes, discovered Mr. G.
meaningly regarding him. Knew he'd be up again if he didn't go; so with
promising alacrity, hopped out of Chair, and disappeared from ken of House.
"Well, I don't know," said honest BILL CREMER. "Of course I don't hold with
COURTNEY'S goings-on in the political field, and he can scarcely have
expected us to keep him on in a snug berth. But this I will say, the
manners of the new Chairman may, so to speak, be more MELLOR, but, as
Chairman of Committees, COURTNEY'll be hard to beat."
_Business done._--"Ban, ban, Caliban, got a new Premier, get a new man"--in
Chairman of Committees.
_Tuesday._--"The life of Her Majesty's Ministers," said the GRAND YOUNG
GARDNER, moodily contemplating his spats, "is not an entirely happy one. I
think I may add that is peculiarly the case with the MINISTER for
AGRICULTURE. I must say, if the language, be not regarded as too
flowery----"
"The MINISTER for AGRICULTURE," I said, desiring to put GARDNER at his
ease, "would be fully justified in using cauliflowery language."
"Thank you. Then I'll say I go to bed with tuberculosis, and get up with
HARRY CHAPLIN. The casual observer is, doubtless, aware that CHAPLIN has an
eye. He sees it gleaming through the eyeglass. I feel it ever upon me. It
is no slight thing to have succeeded a statesman of the calibre of CHAPLIN.
But when he persistently sits opposite you, critically observing all your
movements with that air of supreme intelligence which more than hints that,
as MINISTER for AGRICULTURE, he was personally acquainted with every one of
the cattle on a thousand hills, it is an ordeal that calls into play all
the higher faculties of Man. As to the tuberculosis, it is always breaking
out in unexpected places; people concerned insist upon regarding me as
personally responsible for the visitation."
[Illustration: THE POLITICAL FANCY DRESS BALL AT COVENT GARDEN.]
"But," I said, "you have your little holiday, Saturday to Monday, and get
out to dinner on off-nights?"
"No," he sighed, "the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE has no off-nights; and if I
go to church at the seaside on a Sunday, the Church-warden in passing round
the collection-plate, is sure to steal into my hand a telegram, announcing
a fresh outbreak of tuberculosis. As to going out to dinner----"
[Illustration: Harry'd H-rry Ch-pl-n, as he appeared when meditating on
Bimetallistic and Agricultural Distress.]
"Ministers," CAUSTON here observed, "never dine out when the House is
sitting, unless commanded by the QUEEN, and Whips can't be spared even to
dine with HER MAJESTY."
"As to going out to dinner," continued the GRAND YOUNG GARDNER, ignoring
the interruption of his genial colleague, "it is impossible. It was said, I
believe by one of themselves, 'The Guard dies, but never surrenders.' I may
add, the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE lunches but never dines. What would
become of the Government if a division-bell rang and he was found out of
the way? Now to-night, you would say, looking at the business, I might well
be spared. We commence with KIMBER on disparities in the representation of
constituencies. ROLLIT will follow in the interests of undersized
flat-fish. What has the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE to do with flat-fish of
whatever size? you might ask. To the casual observer, nothing. But, looking
ahead, as the responsibilities of my position make it necessary I should
habitually do, I recall the fact that sometimes the placid pilchard is cast
upon our shores in such quantities as to be carted away for manurial
purposes. I am not intimately acquainted with the pilchard. It is not like
the terrapin a land fish. I am not sure it is flat. Still I have a strong
impression it is undersized. Therefore it might come within the purview of
the discussion on ROLLIT'S motion. MUNDELLA, as you say, is in charge of
the debate, and I might comfortably go to dinner. But what does MUNDELLA
know of manure? No; the MINISTER for AGRICULTURE remains, and will
dine,--if necessary die, at his post."
_Business done._--8:10 P.M., House Counted Out, whilst GRAND YOUNG GARDNER
is explaining how it was he couldn't go out to dinner.
[Illustration: "THE WESTMINSTER PLAY."
_Young Grandolphus_ (_in costume, with appropriate action_). "Haec recinunt
Juvenes dictata senesque!"]
_Friday_, 12:30 A.M.--Storm subsided. Magnificent whilst it lasted.
GRANDOLPH in fine form. Mr. G., under his influence, renewed his youth like
the eagle. At same time, though Welsh Church may be doomed, supply of cabs
on night like this inadequate. Better be put in yard in good time. KENYON
lingers on scene, still asking for Bill to be "taken _de die in diem_." "As
if he were giving a prescription," said WILFRID LAWSON, back from Mansion
House, where he has seen his portrait presented to Lady LAWSON. KENYON,
with eye on Bishop of ST. ASAPH, up in Peers' Gallery, made desperate
resistance to attack on Church. Bishop looked a little grave when KENYON
dropped into metaphor.
[Illustration: A FEATURE OF THE DEBATE.
_M-nd-lla._ A cause de mon nom suis-je "alien"?
_J. L-wth-r_ (_heard but not seen_). Non, Monsieur! Mais vous _n'osez_ pas
dire le contraire.]
"Bill like bagged fox, don't you know," said KENYON, nodding confidentially
to SPEAKER. "Meant to run any way you like. What I mean to say is--" and
here he turned for approval to Lord Bishop, consorting in Gallery with his
fighting Dean, "this fox is so tainted with insincerity, or aniseed, that
the hounds may just as well shut up their noses, and have nothing to do
with it."
With this sage remark, and, something horribly like a wink at the Bishop,
KENYON sat down. Up again later, when Closure moved. HICKS-BEACH, in
temporary command of Opposition, deprecated resistance. But KENYON'S blood
up. With strong effort of self-restraint he stopped himself midway in
stentorian shout, "Yoicks!" dexterously turned the "Yo" into "No," and so
saved himself from reproof of SPEAKER. Having got the "No!" he made most of
it. Nothing left but to clear House for Division. Members near entreated
KENYON to desist from further opposition. No use fighting Closure; only
meant another Division and twenty minutes' prolongation of sitting. KENYON,
with eye reverently fixed on Bishop, immovable. Others might falter on the
way; might palter with the truth; might parlay with the enemy. KENYON would
have no compromise, no surrender. "Yoic----" he meant "No! no!" and he
shouted it too.
"Will the Hon. Member name another teller?" said the wary SPEAKER, when
House cleared for Division. KENYON, evidently still seeing the fox steal
away, Aniseed at the Helm and Insincerity at the Prow, almost stumbled on
the name "YOICKS!" Again stopped himself just in time, and looked forlornly
round; eye finally resting on Peers' Gallery. If only the Bishop could
"tell" with him! That evidently out of order. Bishop belonged, to other
House. No one volunteering to stand with him in the breach, and two tellers
being a necessary preliminary to Division, KENYON bent his head in silent
grief, and leave given to bring in Bill which ASQUITH remorselessly
admitted was first step towards Disestablishment of Welsh Church.
_Business done._--Welsh Church Suspensory Bill read First Time, by majority
of 56, in excited House of 546 Members.
_Friday Night._--After the storm, the customary calm. Spent night in
discussing tempting themes of Local Taxation in London, and Superannuation
of School-teachers. On latter subject that _preux Chevalier_, TEMPLE,
laying down the lute, and leaving Amaryllis in the shade, delivered
luminous speech; convinced CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER; made him promise to
fork out.
_Business done._--Much of useful kind.
* * * * *
"SUPPOSITIOUS."--"Well," observed our old friend, who was discussing a
recent case that had been headed "Romance in the Court of Chancery," "this
all comes from bringing up a child that they pretended was their own. I
mean what they call 'A Superstitious Child.'"
* * * * *
QUITE ANOTHER THING.--With reference to a recent burglary at Sir THOMAS
PIGOT'S, it is stated that "thieves were known to be in the neighbourhood,
and the police have the matter in hand." Wouldn't it be better if they had
the thieves there?
* * * * *
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