SEETS I' PARIS.
Sammywell Grimes's Trip With His Old Chum Billy Baccus; His Opinion
O'th' French, And Th' French Opinion O'th' Exhibition He Made Ov Hissen.
By John Hartley
Author Of "Clock Almanack," Yorkshire Ditties," "Seets I' Lundun,"
"Grimes's Trip To America," "Many A Slip," "A Rolling Stone." "Yorkshek
Puddin." &C.
London:
W. Nicholson & Sons,
26, PATERNOSTER SQUARE, E. C., AND ALBION WORKS, WAKEFIELD.
PREFACE.
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O them'at read this book an are disappointed becoss aw've described noa
'Seets' but what they knew all abaat befoar, awd simply beg on em to
bear i' mind 'at they didn't mak a new Payris o' purpose for me
to visit;--an to them 'at's inclined to daat trewth o' some o'th'
descriptions aw do give, becoss when they wor thear things lukt
different to them, awd beg em to remember at we dooant all see wi th'
same een, an if it had been intended 'at we should, one pair o' een wod
ha done for th' lot, an then what wod ha becoom o'th' spectacle makkers.
Nah, if hawf o'th' book is fact, that's worth sixpence, an if t'other
hawf is fancy, that's worth sixpence; soa bless mi life I what wod yo
have?
Yors i' hard eearnest,
SAMMYWELL GRIMES.
```Dedicated As Token Of Respect, To
```John Stansfield, Esq., Halifax.
````With The Best Wishes Of
`````The Author.
`````November, 1878.
SEETS I' PARIS.
CHAPTER I.
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W nivver intended to let yo know what had happened when aw went to
Payris, but as aw wor foolish enough to tak' another chap wi me, an as
awm feeard if aw did'nt tell he wod, why awm foorced to tell misen.
Nah, awm quite willin' to admit'at ther may'nt be mich'at yo'll consider
reight abaat it but for mi' own Karacter's sake aw shall try to prove at
ther wor nowt varry far wrang.
Aw could like to tell yo all aw saw an' all aw heeard, but aw've lived
long enuff to know at trewth isnt allus pleasant, an' i' this case awm
sewer it wod'nt be, for if aw may judge other fowk bi' misen awm
foorced to say at th' inklin aw gate o' some types o' society made a bad
impression'at has'nt left me yet.
Awd been advised whativver else aw did, to leeav Mally at hooam, for
they sed noa chap could enjoy hissen i' Payris if he tuk a woman wi'
him, an' especially if shoo considered hersen to be his guardian angel,
which is another word for maister.
But aw did'nt feel inclined to goa bi' misen like a wanderin' jew, soa
aw went to ax Billy Baccus if he'd join me an' then we could goa like
th' Cussican brothers. Nah, it soa happened at Billy had been ailin' for
a long time, ha long nubdy knew but hissen, for he's a famous memory an'
booasts'at he can recollect his father an' mother havin' a fratch as to
whether th' next child should be a lad or a lass befoor he wor born; but
then awm nooan foorced to believe all he says, an' yo can please yorsen.
Hasomivver, his ailments began somewhear abaat that time, an' he's
nivver had ony gradely health sin. When Billy's at hooam he keeps a
beershop at th' moorside an' does a varry tidy trade ov a Sundy, but
durin' th' wick its seldom or ivver at onybody darkens th' door an'
that's a varry gooid job, for he's sich a martyr to his trade, an' soa
anxious to suit his customers, at he'll nivver sarve onybody wi a pint
until he's supt a gill to sample it, an' when it comes shuttin' up
time, he's soa full up at he has to sit ith' arm cheer as straight as a
pikestaff for fear if he should lig daan it mud run aght an' be wasted.
During th' rest o' th' wick he suffers tarribly, an' monny a time he's
hard warkto get on wi his brewin.
He's nivver been wed, tho' he's a gooid lukkin' chap enuff, but his old
mother lives wi him an' nurses him up as weel as shoo can. Shoo's tell'd
him monny a time at shoo thinks he'd be better if he'd a wife, but he
allus says he's feeard if he wor wed an' should have ony childer'at they
might have his complaint an' he doesnt want to be th' means o' onybody
else havin' to suffer as he's done. But altho' his mother has a deal to
do for him, shoo's varry praad on him, for he's her only lad an' shoo
says he's th' best brewer at ivver smell'd o' malt, an' for a duzzen
year he's nivver had a brewin at womt fit to sup, though nah and then
ther's one'at isnt fit to sell, but he's ov a careful turn an' nivver
wastes it, an' wol he's suppin that he's savin' summat better, an' if
it maks noa profit yet it isnt mich ov a loss. Aw've tell'd yo soa mich
abaat Billy to introduce him like, an' yo'll get to know him better as
we goa on.
Aw tuk th' first chonce aw had to goa see him an it happened to be Sundy
mornin' an' he wor varry bad, an' when aw tell'd him what aw wanted he
grooaned like a sick caah, an' puttin' his hand onto his wayscoit he
shuk his heead an' stared at me as if aw wor a bum bailey come for th'
rent.
"Payris!" he sed, after waitin' for a minit or two, "Payris! what have
aw to do wi Payris? A'a! lad, if tha nobbut knew what aw suffer! It's
weel to be like thee at nivver ails owt, but if tha'd sich a miserable
carryin' on as aw have tha'd have summat else to think on! Awm bilious
tha knows, an' aw wor born soa, an' awm feeard awst nivver be better.
What wi ta have to sup? Awve some ov as grand four-penny as tha ivver
tasted. Mother, just draw a pint for Sammy, he'll do wi' it after
trailin' up here, an' yo can draw me a pint too for that matter for it
cannot mak' me ony war nor aw am."
"Aw think sometimes'at tha'd be better if tha did'nt sup quite as much
as tha does Billy," sed his mother.
He nivver answered her, but after hauf emptyin' th' pint he sed,
"Payris! whativver's put Payris into thi heead? Why, they're all
feightin' aw reckon i' that quarter arn't they? Aw remember some chaps
tawkin' abaat it ith' kitchen one Sundy'at neet."
"Feightin'! net they marry! That's aboon hauf a duzzen year sin."
"It is a bit sin aw believe, but aw nivver heeard at they'd dropt it,
but if its all ovver what does ta want to goa for? does ta think they're
baan to fuffen agean?"
"Billy, tha caars up here wol tha knows nowt abaat what's gooin on ith'
world."
"A chap at's troubled wi bile has plenty to do withaat botherin' wi th'
world--but aw mud happen ha gooan if they'd been gooin to have another
set too. Payris! whativver is ther to goa to Payris for when they've
done fuffenin?"
"If ther'd been onny feightin' aw should'nt ha wanted to goa, tha can be
sewer o' that, but ther's th' exhibition, an' they say ther wor nivver
owt as grand befoor an' its th' grandest city ith' world, an' its full
o' moniments an' fine buildins, an' ivverything ats worth lukkin' at."
"Why, what does ta want wi fine buildins,--are ta thinkin' abaat
flittin? Aw should think at yond haase tha's lived in soa long wod fit
thee thy bit o' time aght, an' then varry likely, if tha leaves
yor Mally owt tha'll get a moniment o' thi own, an' as for th'
exhibition;--aw generally try to goa to Keighley Cattle show once ith'
year, though aw've missed for three or four year aw believe, but that's
gooid enuff for me. Payris! nay, awst goa nooan to Payris if ther's noa
fuffenin."
"Well, tha mun be like to suit thisen,--aw nobbut thowt tha'd happen
like to get shut o' that bile at troubles thi soa, an' they say at
ther's monny a scoor goa for nowt else."
"Nah tha begins to tawk sense. If aw thowt gooin to Payris ud cure me
an' mak' me like other fowk awd goa befoor aw went to bed! What sooart
ov a place is it for gettin summat to sup?"
"Th' best ith' world an' th' cheapest, an if tha'll goa aw believe
tha'll be a man new made ovver agean, an' they say ther's th' bonniest
women thear at's to be fun onny whear, an' who knows but what tha mud
leet o' one."
"Bonny wimmen, says ta? Aw care nowt abaat em bein bonny, have they onny
brass? That's what's wanted isnt it mother?"
"Aw think tha's brass enough, an' if settin' off for a day or two'll
mak' thi better, if aw wor thee awd goa."
"Well, fill theas two pints agean an' awl think abaat it."
"Awst ha noa moor ale this fornooin," aw sed, "an' if tha thinks o'
gooin' tha'll ha to mak up thi mind sharp for aw mun be off hooam."
"Tha'rt allus in a hurry when tha comes here, but ha mich will it cost?"
"Ten paand'll see thi throo it nicely aw think."
"Tha thinks does ta? But aw mun be sewer afoor aw start! Awm nooan gooin
to slave my sow! aght for th' best pairt ov a lifetime o' purpose to tak
it to keep a lot o' lazzy french fowk! But when does ta think o' gooin?"
"Next Wedensdy mornin--tha's lots o' time to get ready.".
"Well, awl goa if it settles me. But can ta tawk French?"
"Nay, but aw've getten a book an awm leearin a word or two."
"Does ta know th' French for a pint o' ale?"
"Nay but aw can sooin leearn it."
"Well, be sewer tha does,--or tha'd happen better mak it a quairt wol
thar't abaat it for ther'll be two on us to it."
"Awl mak' that all reight. Soa awl expect thi to meet me at Bradforth
station bi nine o'clock."
"Awst be thear. Then tha will'nt have another pint?"
"Noa moor aw mun be off nah--Gooid day!"
"Gooid day! nah dooant forget to leeam th' French for a quairt an' we
can manage for owt else."
Aw wor glad to get away for fear he should change his mind, an' aw knew
awd some bits ov arrangements to mak' o' mi own, an' th' leeast on em
wornt makkin it all reight wi Mally.
When aw gate hooam an' tell'd her at aw wor thinkin' o' gooin, shoo set
too an' blagarded me as nubdy else has a reight to do, an' shoo finished
up wi sayin', "An' soa tha'rt gooin to Payris are ta?"
"Aw am," aw sed, "an' its a pity tha cannot goa wi' me, but tha knows
as well as me'at a haase left to itsen gooas to rack an' ruination. Tha
knows what trouble it is for me to goa away an' leave thee at hooam."
"Sammywell, if tha tawks as tha does aw shall begin to think'at tha's
forgettin ha to spaik trewth. Aw dunnot know what awve done, nor what
tha'rt short on at hooam, nor what it is tha meets wi when tha'rt away,
but for this last two-o'-three year if tha's stopt at hooam for a day
or two tha's been war nor a worm on a whut backstun an' tha nivver seems
happy unless tha'rt galivantin abaat; but its noa use me wastin' mi'
wind tawkin' to thi, for tha's made up thi mind to goa thi own gate an'
it'll be varry weel if it doesnt land thi somewhear at last whear tha'll
find a deal moor brimstun nor tha will traitle, mark that. If aw could
see ony gooid tha gate aght on it, it mud be different, but ther's noa
improvement in thi. Tha wor nivver nowt to luk at an' varry little to
feel at, an' tha seems to pride thisen i' thi awkardness. Tha seems to
forget at tha'rt a gron-father; but tha can goa awther to Payris or to
Payredise for owt aw care, but aw believe tha'll just come back th' same
as tha went, or else war."
"Well, but if aw goa to Payris awst happen come back french-polished an'
then tha'll hardly know me.
"Aw pity them at'll have th' french-polishin o' thee, for they'll ha
ther wark set! All th' bees wax an' turpitine ith' country ud be wasted
o' thee. But awl tell thi what aw think, Sammywell, an' aw've been
considerin it for th' last forty year--"
"Spaik aght lass, an' let's know th' warst."
"Ther's nowt nawther nice nor new in it, aw weant say whether tha wor
born soa or tha's made thisen soa, but th' conclusion awve come to is'at
tha'rt a fooil."
"Well, tha mud be farther off th' mark nor that, an' tha's tell'd me th'
same tale soa oft wol tha's ommost made me believe it misenj; but what
says ta, will ta goa wi me?"
"Sammywell! aw've been wed to thi all theas years an' aw should ha
thowt, simpleton as tha art, at tha'd ha geen me credit for moor sense.
What have aw to goa to Payris for? Who's to wesh theas clooas aw should
like to know if aw goa scaarin a country same as thee? Ther's awr
Hepsaba wi yond youngest child hardly a twelvemonth old, an' awm
expectin to be sent for ivvery day an' neet, but tha wod'nt care if
shoo'd to goa abaat wi a child i' awther arm an' a couple teed to
her back, tha'd goa to Payris an' leeav em to muck amang it; but awm
different to thee, aw want to be whear aw can be o' some use to them at
belangs to me an net ramlin' abaat makkin misen a laffinstock for fowk!
But awst be suited when thart gooan for awst ha one less to luk after,
an' if tha stops wol aw send for thi back tha'll net show thi face i'
this fold agean yet a bit!"
Aw set varry quiet an' sed nowt for aw knew if aw spaik aw should mak'
it war, an' after shoo'd scaled fire an' clattered th' pooaker agean th'
ribs, banged th' ovven door to, upset th' tangs, punced th' fender aght
ov its place an' dragged it back agean, shoo turned raand an' sed as
quiet as could be, "Then what wi ta want to tak' wi thi, coss
tha'd better let's be knowin soas aw can get it ready an' net drive
ivverything to th' last minit?"
"Varry few things'll suit me, for we're nobbut gooin for a day or two."
"We! who does ta mean bi a 'we'?"
"Aw've been to ax Billy Baccus if he'll goa wi' me, aw thowt he'd be a
bit o' cumpny tha knows."
"Oh! Billy Baccus is it? Well an' awm fain tha has axd him! yo do reight
to goa together, Billy an' thee! They'd ha built another, exhibition
if they'd known you'd been gooin, Billy Baccus! raillee, Sammywell! an'
what does his mother say? Is he baan to tak' a brewery wi him or will he
rent one wol he's thear?"
Someha this seemed to put Mally in a gooid temper an' aw wor nooan
inclined to spoil it, soa aw laft when shoo laft an' ther wor nowt
onnymoor sed.
Th' momin sooin coom, an' when aw wor biddin' Mally gooid bye, aw slipt
a bit o' paper into her hand at awd scribbled on,=
```Awm gooin to leeav thi Mally lass,
````But tho' aw love to rooam;
```Awst nivver let an' haar pass,
````Withaat a thowt for hooam.
```An' tho' aw feeast mi'een o' seets ````All strange, an' wondrous
grand;
```Awst turn mi heart i'th' silent neets,
````To this mi' native land.
```Awst think o' thee, at's shared mi woe,
````'At's proved mi' joy as well;
```An' far an' wide wheare'er aw goa,
````Awst prize nooan like thisel.=
Shoo read it--"A'a, Sammywell!" shoo sed, "tha thinks tha can get ovver
me onnytime wi' a bit 0' nonsense like that, but tha mun mind tha doesnt
try it on once too oft. Try an' tak' care o' thisen, but whativver else
be careful 0' thi umberel!"
Aw wor sooin at th' station an' Billy wor waitin. If ivver aw saw th'
pictur o' misery it wor his face that mornin'.
"Ha does ta feel?" aw says.
"War an' war, aw think awst ha to give it up, awm nooan fit to goa."
"It's a pity tha set off," aw sed, "has ta getten wai sin tha left
hooam?"
"Nay aw've been soa ivver sin aw saw thi; aw should like to goa, but a'a
dear a me!"
"Why then," aw says, "aw need'nt get two tickets?"
"Noa, get one for thisen, aw've getten mine."
"An' whear's thi luggage?"
"Its ith' van yonder all reight."
Aw sed noa moor but gate mi ticket--th' time wor up, we jumpt into th'
carriage an' wor sooin off to London.
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