SIR GEOFFREY. The household have all retired; and we will make this
concession to Mrs. Grundy--we will leave the door open. There! [_He flings
it open._] The Open Door! Centuries ago, when I was alive, I remember
paragraphs with that heading.
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Laughing._] So you're not alive now?
SIR GEOFFREY. Sir Geoffrey Transom ceased to be when he said good-night to
Lady Torminster. Sir Geoffrey is upstairs asleep. So is her ladyship. We
are their souls. Let us talk.
LADY TORMINSTER. You are in your whimsical mood.
SIR GEOFFREY. And you in your wrapper--peignoir--tea gown--it don't matter
what you call it. You look--jolly. Ridiculous word--I don't mean that at
all. You look--you. More you than I've seen you for years. Sh--don't
interrupt. Shades never do that. By the way, do you know that the old
lumber-room, my owner--my corporeal sheath--means to go away in the
morning, before you are up?
LADY TORMINSTER. Sir Geoffrey! What nonsense! You've promised to stay a
month!
SIR GEOFFREY. I assure you I have been charged to invent fitting and
appropriate lies to account for the ridiculous creature's abrupt
departure. The man Transom is a poor liar.
LADY TORMINSTER. You are making me giddy. Would you mind putting on your
body? I've not been introduced to your soul.
SIR GEOFFREY. [_Springing up with a flourish._] How very remiss of me!
Permit me. Gertrude this is Geoffrey. You have often heard me speak of
him.
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Rising._] I think I'll go to bed.
SIR GEOFFREY. Now that is preposterous. Jack, my dear old friend--the best
and only friend I have in the world--is slumbering peacefully upstairs,
and Jack's wife is reluctant to talk to Jack's old pal because the sun
happens to be hidden on the other side of the globe. Lady Torminster, sit
down. If you're good you shall have a cigarette.
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Sitting._] Well, just one. And when I've finished it,
I'll go.
SIR GEOFFREY. Agreed.
[_He hands her the box; she takes a cigarette; he strikes a match
and holds it for her; he then takes a cigarette himself, and
lights it._
SIR GEOFFREY. And, while smoking it, remember Penelope's web. For I've
heaps of things to tell you.
LADY TORMINSTER. They'll keep till to-morrow.
SIR GEOFFREY. That's a fearful delusion. Nothing keeps. There is one law
in the universe: NOW.
LADY TORMINSTER. I want to know what you mean by this nonsense about your
going.
SIR GEOFFREY. [_Puffing out smoke._] Yes--I'm off in the morning. It has
occurred to me that I haven't been to China. Now that is a serious
omission. How can I face my forefathers, and confess to them that I
haven't seen the land where the Yellow Labour comes from?
LADY TORMINSTER. China has waited a long time--a month more or less will
make no difference. They are a patient race.
SIR GEOFFREY. There is gipsy blood in my veins--I must wander--I'm
restless.... Not like Jack--he's untroubled--he can sleep. Jack's a fine
sleeper, isn't he?
LADY TORMINSTER. Yes.
SIR GEOFFREY. Calm, serene, untroubled, with the conscience of a
babe--one, two, three, he sleeps. He and I have had some rare times
together. I've been roped to him on the Andes--he shot a tiger that was
about to scrunch me--I rubbed his nose when it was frost-bitten. He saved
my life--I saved his nose. I always maintain that the balance of gratitude
is on his side--for where would he have been without his nose?
LADY TORMINSTER. You _are_ absurd.
SIR GEOFFREY. Would you have married him without a nose?
LADY TORMINSTER. I might have.
SIR GEOFFREY. Now you know you wouldn't. You'd have been afraid of what
people would say. And what would he have done when he became
short-sighted, and had to wear glasses?
LADY TORMINSTER. My cigarette has gone out.
SIR GEOFFREY. [_Jumping up and handing her the box._] Take another. Never
re-light a cigarette--it's like dragging up the past. Here.
LADY TORMINSTER. I said only one.
SIR GEOFFREY. This is not the hour for inflexibility. The Medes and
Persians have all gone to bed.
[_She takes the cigarette; he lights it for her._
LADY TORMINSTER. Tell me why you mean to leave us. And remember--I shan't
let _this_ one go out.
SIR GEOFFREY. My explanation will be handed to you with your cup of tea in
the morning.
LADY TORMINSTER. And you will be gone?
SIR GEOFFREY. I shall be gone. There is a train at 7.45--which will be
packed with husbands. I shall breakfast in town.
LADY TORMINSTER. Why?
SIR GEOFFREY. Well, one must breakfast somewhere. It's a convention.
LADY TORMINSTER. Sir Geoffrey, I want you to tell me what this means.
SIR GEOFFREY. Give your decision, said the judge to the arbitrator, but
never your reasons. I go, because I go. Besides, has one reasons? Why do
people die, or get married, or buy umbrellas? Because of typhoid, love, or
the rain? Not at all. Isn't that so?
LADY TORMINSTER. I wish you'd be serious.
SIR GEOFFREY. I'm fearfully serious. When Jack shot that tiger he had to
go so near the brute that he held his life in his hands. Do you know what
was my chief impression as I lay there, with the ugly cat's paw upon my
chest, beginning to rip me?
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Shuddering._] Horrible! What?
SIR GEOFFREY. I resented his having eaten something that smelt like
onions.
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Smiling._] A tiger!
SIR GEOFFREY. Onions may have been his undoing. That's the beggar's skin
on the floor. But you should have seen me rub Jack's nose!
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Warningly._] Sir Geoffrey, there's very little
cigarette left--
SIR GEOFFREY. There are lots more in the box--and dawn is a long way off.
Hang it, Lady Torminster, don't be in a hurry! Do you hear the sea out
there? It's breathing as regularly as old Jack. And don't you think this
is fine? Here we are, we two, meeting just as we shall meet on the other
side of the Never-Never Land. It's a chance for a man to speak to a woman,
and tell her things.
LADY TORMINSTER. What things!
SIR GEOFFREY. That's just it--what things? What have I to say, after all?
I am going to-morrow because I am a fantastic, capricious ass. Also
because I'm lonely.
LADY TORMINSTER. How will China help you?
SIR GEOFFREY. They colour it green on the map--and there _is_ such a lot
of it!
LADY TORMINSTER. You should get married.
SIR GEOFFREY. [_With a sudden burst of passion._] _You_ say that--you!
[_He starts back, ashamed, and hangs his head._ LADY TORMINSTER
_throws a quick glance at him, then looks ahead of her, puffing
quietly at her cigarette._
LADY TORMINSTER. [_Quietly._] So that is why you are going?
SIR GEOFFREY. [_With a great sigh of relief._] Now, that really is fine of
you! Every other woman in the world would have seized that chance for a
melodramatic exit. "Good-night, Sir Geoffrey; I must go to my husband."
"Good-night, Lady Torminster." A clasp of the hand--a hot tear--mine--on
your wrist. But you sit there. Splendid!
LADY TORMINSTER. I ask you again--is that truly why you are going?
SIR GEOFFREY. Well, yes, that's the fact. I apologise humbly--it's so
conventional. Isn't it?
LADY TORMINSTER. I suppose it's difficult for human beings to invent new
situations.
SIR GEOFFREY. You've known it, of course, all the time; you've known it
ever since Jack brought me to you, the day after you were engaged. And
that's nine years ago. It's the usual kind of fatality.
LADY TORMINSTER. These things happen.
SIR GEOFFREY. Yes. Well, I thought I was cured. I've been here five days,
and I find I am not. So I go. That's best, isn't it?
LADY TORMINSTER. Yes.
SIR GEOFFREY. It's so infernally stupid. You're a beautiful woman, of
course; but there are heaps of beautiful women. You've qualities--well, so
have other women, too. I'm only forty-one--and, as you say, why don't I
marry? Simply because of you. Because you've an uncomfortable knack of
intruding between me and the other lady.
LADY TORMINSTER. That is a great misfortune.
SIR GEOFFREY. It's most annoying. So I shall try China. I shall come back
in two years--I shall be forty-three then--I shall come back, sound as a
bell; and I shall marry some healthy, pink-cheeked young woman, take a
house next to yours, and in the fulness of time your eldest son shall fall
in love with my daughter.
LADY TORMINSTER. Why not?
SIR GEOFFREY. I shouldn't have told you, of course; but I'm glad that I
have. It clears the air. Now what excuse shall I make?
LADY TORMINSTER. A wire from town?
SIR GEOFFREY. Jack knows all about my affairs; in fact, that's why I take
the early train, to avoid his questions.
LADY TORMINSTER. You find it impossible to stay out your time here?
SIR GEOFFREY. Quite. There are moments when I am unpleasantly volcanic.
LADY TORMINSTER. Then I tell you the best thing to do. Don't take your
trunks; just go up with a bag. Leave a note that you'll come back on
Tuesday. Then write from town and say you're prevented.
SIR GEOFFREY. That's a good idea--yes, that's much better.