"Miss Jewett."
"Well, dear."
Tessa was sitting on the carpet in Miss Jewett's little parlor with her
head in Miss Jewett's lap; Miss Jewett had been smoothing the girl's
hair for several minutes, neither speaking.
"I have lost something; I don't dare try to find it for fear that God
has taken it away from me."
"How did you lose it?"
Tessa raised her head, paused, then spoke impressively: "I lost it
through _carefulness_."
"Ah! I have heard of such a thing before."
"Oh, have you? Is any one in the world like me? I thought that no one
ever made such mistakes as I do, or needed the discipline that I need!"
"My dear, all hearts are fashioned alike."
"But all lives are not alike."
"Not so different as you imagine; in my girls I live over my old
struggles, longings, mistakes; in the history of lives lived ages ago I
find the same struggles, longings, mistakes, the same need of the same
discipline."
"Oh, if you can help me; if you can only help me! You study the Bible,
isn't every thing in the Bible? Didn't Paul mean that every thing was in
it when he said that through the comfort of the Scriptures we have hope?
I can not find any thing to suit me; _you_ find something."
The gaslight was more than she could bear, she dropped her head again,
covering her face with both hands.
"Suppose you tell me all about it."
"_All about it_," repeated Tessa in a muffled tone. "I could not if I
wanted to; but I can tell you where the despair comes in."
"That is all I want to know."
"Well," raising her head again and speaking clearly and slowly. "It was
an opportunity to get something that I wanted. I thought I had it, I
thought it was laid in my hand and I had but to clasp my fingers tightly
over it to keep it forever and forever; I cared so much that I hardly
cared for any thing else. I do not think that I would lose it again
through caring too much. Do you think that it is just as hard for God to
see us too careful as too careless?"
"How were you too careful?"
"Oh, in being wise and doing things in my own way. What I want to know
is this: did He ever give any body another opportunity? If He ever did,
I will hope that He will be just as tender towards me."
"Christ came down to earth to seek the lost; a lost opportunity is one
of the things that He came to find. I think if you seek it for His sake,
and not for your own, that He will find it for you."
"For His sake, not for mine," repeated Tessa, wonderingly. "How can I
ever attain to that? I am very selfish."
"Do you remember about David, whose heart was fashioned like yours, how
careful he was once and what happened?"
Miss Jewett was speaking in her brisk, working voice; the troubled face
had become alight.
"Now we will read about one who made a sorry mistake by being so careful
that he forgot to find out God's way of doing a certain thing. He did
the thing that he wanted to do after a style of his own."
Tessa arose and went into Miss Jewett's bedroom; she knew that the Bible
she loved best, the one pencilled and interlined, was always kept on a
stand near the head of her bed. While Miss Jewett was opening it, Tessa
said hurriedly and earnestly "I knew that if it were anywhere in the
Bible--that if any one in the world had suffered like me--that you would
know where to find them. You said last Sunday that God had written
something to help us in every perplexity; but I studied and studied and
could not find any thing about second opportunities. Perhaps mine is
only a foolish little trouble; not a grand one like David's."
"Do you think that God likes to hear you say that?"
"No," confessed Tessa. "I will not even think it again."
"Have you forgotten how David attempted to bring the Ark into the city
of David, and how he failed? What a mortifying and distressing failure
it was, too. Now I'll read it to you."
One of Tessa's pleasures was to listen to her reading the Bible; she
read as if David lived across the Park, and as if the city of David were
not a mile away.
Tessa kept her head in its old position and listened with intent and
longing eyes.
"'And David consulted with the captains of thousands and hundreds and
every leader. And David said unto all the congregation of Israel, If it
seem good unto you, and that it be of the Lord our God, let us send
abroad unto our brethren everywhere, that are left in all the land of
Israel, and with them also to the priests and Levites which are in their
cities and suburbs, that they may gather themselves together unto us:
and let us bring again the Ark of our God to us: for we inquired not at
it in the days of Saul. And all the congregation said that they would do
so: for the thing was right in the eyes of all the people. So David
gathered all Israel together from Shihor of Egypt even unto the entering
of Hemath, to bring the Ark of God from Kirjath-jearim. And David went
up and all Israel to Baalah, that is to Kirjath-jearim, which belonged
to Judah, to bring up thence the Ark of God the Lord, that dwelleth
between the cherubim whose name is called on it. And they carried the
Ark of God in a new cart--' In a _new_ cart, Tessa; see how careful he
was!"
"Yes."
"'--Out of the house of Abinadab; and Uzza and Ahir drave the cart.' That
was all right and proper, wasn't it?"
"It seems so to me."
"'And David and all Israel played before God with all their might, and
with singing, and with harps, and with timbrels, and with cymbals, and
with trumpets.' They were joyful with all their might. Were you as
joyful as that?"
"Yes: fully as joyful as that."
"Now see the confusion, the shame, and the fear that followed those
harps and timbrels and trumpets. 'And when they came unto the
threshing-floor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the Ark; for
the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza,
and He smote him, because he put his hand to the Ark: and he died before
God. And David was displeased, because the Lord had made a breach upon
Uzza: wherefore that place is called Perez-uzza, to this day. And David
was afraid of God that day, saying, How shall I bring the Ark of God
home to me?'"
"I should think that he _would_ have been afraid," said Tessa; "and
after he had been so sure and joyful, too."
Miss Jewett read on: "'So David brought not the Ark home to himself to
the city of David, but carried it aside to the house of Obed-edom the
Gittite.'"
Tessa raised her head to speak. "I can not understand where his mistake
was; how could he have been too careful of such a treasure. Oh, how
terrible and humiliating his disappointment must have been! How ashamed
he was before all the people! I can bear any thing better than to be
humiliated."
"My poor, proud Tessa."
Tessa's tears started at the tone; these first words of sympathy
overcame her utterly; she dropped her head again and cried like a child,
like the little child Tessa who had had so many fits of crying.
The eyes above her were as wet as her own; once or twice warm lips
touched her forehead and cheek.
"Did _he_ have another opportunity?" asked Tessa, at last. "I can
understand how afraid he was. I was troubled because I gave thanks for
the thing that was taken away from me. Did he find an answer to his
'How'?"
"He was thankful, sincere, and careful."
"I should think that was enough," exclaimed Tessa, almost indignantly;
"but I know that there was sin somewhere, else the anger of the Lord
would not have been kindled. They went home without the Ark. That is
saddest of all."
"It was kept three months in the house of Obed-edom, and during those
three months humbled David studied the law and found that his cart, new
as it was, was not according to the will of God.
"'Then David said, None ought to carry the Ark of God but the Levites;
for them hath the Lord chosen to carry the Ark of God, and to minister
unto Him forever.'"
"And he _could_ have known that before," cried Tessa.
"'And David gathered all Israel together to Jerusalem, to bring up the
Ark of the Lord unto his place, which he had prepared for it, and David
assembled the children of Aaron and the Levites and said unto them, Ye
are the chief of the fathers of the Levites: sanctify yourselves, both
ye and your brethren, that ye may bring up the Ark of the Lord God of
Israel unto the place that I have prepared for it. For because ye did it
not at the first, the Lord our God made a breach upon us, for that we
sought Him not after the due order."
"Oh, how can we know every thing to do at the first?"
"How could David have known? Now he had found the right way to do the
right thing. 'So the priests and the Levites sanctified themselves to
bring up the Ark of the Lord God of Israel. And the children of the
Levites bare the Ark of God upon their shoulders with the staves thereon
as Moses commanded, according to the word of the Lord. And David spake
to the chief of the Levites to appoint their brethren to be the singers
with instruments of music, psalteries and harps and cymbals, sounding,
by lifting up the voice with joy. So David, and the elders of Israel,
and the captains over thousands, went to bring up the Ark of the
covenant of the Lord out of the house of Obed-edom with joy.'"
"He was not afraid now," said Tessa. "I think that he was all the more
joyful because he had been so humiliated and afraid. I will think about
that new cart."
"And those three months in which he was finding out the will of God.
'And it came to pass, when God helped the Levites that bare the Ark of
the covenant of the Lord that they offered seven bullocks and seven
rams.' He could not help them the first time because their way was not
according to His law; their joy, their thankfulness, their sincerity,
their carefulness availed them nothing because they kept not His law.
Uzza was a priest and should have known the law; David was king and he
should have known the law."
"But he had his second opportunity, despite his mistake."
"And so, if your desire be according to His will may you have yours; it
may be months or years, half your lifetime, but if you study His word
and ask for your second opportunity through the intercession of Christ,
I am sure that you will have it."
"Sometimes I am angry, sometimes bewildered, sometimes there is hatred
in my heart because I have been deceived and humiliated--sometimes I do
not want it back--"
"My dear," said Miss Jewett, gravely, "discipline is better than our
heart's desire."
"Is it? I don't like to think so."
When the clock in the church-tower struck midnight Tessa lay awake
wondering if she could ever choose discipline before any heart's desire.
Then she crept closer to Miss Jewett and kissed her.