necessary, has been submitted to your consideration, for the promotion
of your prosperous and profitable career through the medical journey
of life; it is not so; for although we have gone through the usual
forms of sickness, to either recovery or death, there is still
one remark necessary, to the completion of consistency, in your
professional character. It is a few observations, in derision of that
truly contemptible burlesque upon propriety, in following the corps
of your patient to the grave; a folly originating in _ignorance_,
and established by _custom_; a circumstance so truly ridiculous and
farcical, that it did not escape the penetration and sarcastic wit of
our Aristophanes of the present century, who attacked it with the full
force of his satire, in the description given by a taylor, in one of
his celebrated comedies, who says, “as he was going home to a customer
with a pair of breeches under his arm, he perceived his neighbour
_Gargle_, the apothecary, following a _corps_ to the grave,—so says
he, Master Gargle, I see you are going home with your _work too_.” The
justice of this remark renders the circumstance so truly ridiculous,
that it is a matter of admiration, how any man of the most common
understanding can ever submit to an indignity so truly laughable. It
certainly bears the appearance of your not being content with preying
upon the property of the deceased, during their last hours of sublunary
affliction, but you meanly pursue their very remains to the grave,
and obtain a paltry hatband and gloves, at the expence of decency and
discretion. Exclusive of this very striking obstacle, there is one of
equal weight in the scale of your professional reputation—it certainly
can add none to the eminence of your character, that the contents
of the coffin was publickly known to be a subject of your skill and
experimental practice.
You will certainly experience some difficulty in evading a compliance
with many requests, made to you for this purpose; but I would recommend
it to you to encounter displeasure, rather than become the dupe of
so great an absurdity. To inculcate by example, what I have strongly
recommended in precept, you may be assured, that I have, during my
long practice, retained so great an aversion to this inconsistency of
character, that I rendered myself totally incapable of compliance, by
never having in possession _a suit of mourning_; this resource has
always proved my never failing friend, when no other apology would be
accepted; and by never seeming to recollect _the want_ till a few hours
before the _funeral_, a written apology has always proved a respectable
substitute, to which there was no alternative.
Having descended to the very minutiæ of a long, extensive, and
successful practice, to form your mind, and regulate your manners
in every professional transaction of your life, I cannot doubt, but
rules so directly consonant to your personal interest and reputation,
will receive every assistance from your unerring consistency and
perseverance, conveying a perfect corroboration of the _gratitude_
you feel, for the intrinsic worth of so liberal and friendly a
communication.
TO
THE CHYMISTS AND DRUGGISTS.
It will create no surprise that you bring up the rear of this medical
exhibition, when it is remembered that the most opulent, eminent, or
respectable, generally close every public procession.—You are to
the faculty, what the _hammerman_ is to the _forge_; you are in fact
the _arterial reservoir_, from whose source flow the rich streams,
that feed the _venal divisions_ in every branch of the profession,
whether in town or country. To the fertility of your genius, to the
extent of your commerce, to the enterprising spirit of your pecuniary
embarkations, the faculty are indebted for the great variety and
striking novelties, that render them so much the subjects of admiration.
You happily derive your affluence from dealing innocently around you
the various _instruments_ of _death_, with an indifference that
sufficiently exculpates you from the suspicion of _murder_, even as
accessaries before the fact.—Your constant, and extensive inventions
(for the promotion of private emolument and public good) rank you
high in general estimation, and you prudently recommend yourselves
to the attention of the most learned, by your very _frequent_ and
_extraordinary_ discoveries.—Your advertisements (with which almost
every literary vehicle teems) are alike calculated to excite wonder and
approbation; they seem to indicate proofs, that _you alone_ exceed the
limits of human penetration, and display a hope of perpetual existence,
by setting mortality at defiance; like a groupe of _desperate hazard
players_, you are “at all in the ring,” and with a degree of emulative
opposition to each other, produce from your _alembics_—_bolt heads_,
and _balneum arenæs_, antidotes to every ill: the only ray of
consolation to the less learned is, that _death_ (often an unexpected
visitor) opens the eyes of the world to the arts of your deception,
and you slide into the grave with the calm and unobserved obscurity
of your neighbours. The wonderful extent of your fertile abilities are
constantly conveyed to public attention, through the pompous medium of
“Letters Patent” and “Royal Authority,” that are at length become (from
the higher arts) the fashionable introduction to a _breeches ball_; a
_tincture for the tooth ach_; a _blacking cake_, or a _gamboge horse
ball_.
While I lament this degradation, this prostitution of patronage, to
such _trifling_, such _contemptible_ efforts of _sterility_, I cannot
but consider how gratefully, how extensively, you are bound to a
credulous and indulgent public, who implicitly sanction with their
patronage, every production of _genius or dullness_, whether in a
_philosophic taper_, a concentrated _acid of vinegar_, or a _salt of
lemons_; they are undoubtedly discoveries of _immense magnitude_ to the
public at large; and experience has sufficiently proved, that so much
_patriotic virtue_ should meet its _own reward_.
Notwithstanding the superiority and extent of your knowledge, so
visibly displayed in the _sublimity_ of your frequent experiments,
that have raised you to such a great degree of professional eminence,
there may yet be some profitable principles of practice, inculcated
by a long and studious observer, that will evidently add to your
emoluments, if not to the encrease of your reputations.
Your _peculiar modesty_ may have prevented your attaining the utmost
perfection of your art, and left you strangers to the very great and
undiscovered advantages, that the privileges of your profession so
singularly entitle you to; for though you may hitherto have reconciled
yourselves to a paltry _mechanical_ profit of thirty-five or forty
per cent. what law forbids you making the “most of your market,” and
enhancing those profits to such state, as may best accord with your
idea and gratification of _city eminence_—_rural ease_—_external
appearance_, and _domestic hospitality_? To insure these comforts to
a certainty, accept such instructions, (as closely adhered to) will
inevitably produce the purposes for which they are introduced.
Hitherto, a stranger to the happy effects of necessary _adulteration_,
it may not be inapplicable to say a few words upon its numerous
advantages; first, at your embarkation, you should adopt it as
the _ultimatum_ of all your professional views, and render it as
subservient to your wishes, as the lover’s invariable observance
of “_persevere_ and _conquer_,” is to his. _Adulteration_ has many
pleasing advantages annexed to its practice; by the applicable
introduction of an _harmless_ ingredient, you may reduce the dangerous
property of a _drastic_ purgative, and render a powerful _poison_ less
destructive; by such acts you will enjoy the inexpressible consolation
of hourly contributing to the safety of your fellow-creatures, in
exertions of _humanity_, that will do you the greatest honour.
The prelude to the _Pharmacopœia_, sufficiently informs you, the
_College of Wigs_ are empowered by royal sanction to invent, or
constitute forms, and the _cabinet_ to enforce them; but your superior
knowledge sets such arbitrary dictation at defiance, and your
_practical arts_ will ever supersede their _theoretical_ penetration.
Let them happily enjoy the power to alter names, and improve forms
of all the compositions in that _laughable farrago_, their _new
dispensatory_; they have the province to direct, and you have the
pleasure to evade; obeying their injunctions no farther than is
strictly consistent with your own interest and convenience. To assist
the aptitude of your fertility, let me introduce to your attention (as
specimens of what may be done) some few of the advantageous alterations
that may be made in medicinal composition, to promote your certain
emolument, without arraigning your _integrity_.
In that expensive preparation _confectio cardiaca_ (newly named by
college sagacity _confectio aromatica_) opportunity offers to display
a part of your privilege in substituting the use of _saffron paper_,
which will impart to the composition the rich colour of the original
_crocus_; for those other high priced articles _cardamoms_, _cinnamon_,
_nutmegs_, and _cloves_, applicable and proportional quantities of
those cheaper (and equally efficacious) _cordials_ and _carminatives_,
_ginger_, _grains of paradise_, or any of the inferior spices may
be added. In large preparations of the _electarium lenitivum_, an
introduction of the _pulp of prunes_ for the _pulp of cassia_, will
save much additional expence and trouble.—In the _syrupus e spina
cervina_, treacle is certainly preferable to the finest lump sugar,
with this advantage, that the predominant nausea will prevent the
discovery.
Experience will convince you that _spiritus c. c._ (_per se_) obtained
by distillation from the accumulated stale urine of a parish workhouse,
or the bones of animals, will be by far preferable to that drawn from
the purest _cornu cervi_; as are the rasura c. c. from the shank bones
of horses, or cows, preferable to all other.—_Sp. terebinthinæ_
(carefully and proportionally incorporated) becomes an admirable
associate with the _ol. juniperi_.—_Ol. amygdalinum_ (and many other
articles blended _secundum artem_) form an excellent combination
with, and increase the stock of _ol. anisi verum_.—_Genuine gum
guaiacum_—_galbanum_—_storax_, and _bals. tolutanum_, may undergo
the process of _purification_ much better, if impregnated with the
occasional assistance of either the _resina nigra_, or _flava_.—The
various unguents will derive advantage from the salutary introduction
of _auxungiæ porcincæ_, as a substitute for those more _expensive and
unnecessary_ articles _cera flava_ and _ol. olivarum_.
_Pulv. anisi verum_ will be much more easily reduced from the cakes,
after the seed has been expressed, the oil obtained, and their medical
virtue entirely extracted; it is an article only in use for horses
and cows; whether they are _killed or cured_, is an object not worthy
your consideration. _Liquorice_, _fenugreek_, _diapente_, _turmeric_,
and _elecampane_, are to receive their basis from _horse beans_
ground (at the medical mills) exceedingly fine, and to be impregnated
properly with the different articles from which they derive their
names, so as to retain each their predominant effluvia; and as these
are articles in use for cattle only, you will give proof of your
humanity, by drenching them with _food_ instead of _physic_. The
species _hiera_ will be much more certain in its effects, if prepared
with the _Barbadoes_, instead of the _Succotrine_ aloes; and the true
Dutch biscuit powder, will form no unprofitable union with the powder
of _Salop_. In fact, innumerable instances of professional skill and
œconomy might be introduced, extending instructions to a much greater
length than originally intended; protracting the explanatory parts
beyond the limits of utility, an accusation it has been my principal
care to avoid.
It may perhaps be almost unnecessary to remind you, how absolutely
needful it will be, to reduce to impalpable pulverization and
complicated forms, all inferior and damaged _drugs_ of every
denomination; in _powders_, _tinctures_, _electuaries_, and other
preparations, their defects will not be perceptible, and it will prove
matter of no small gratification to you, that many practitioners are
very _inferior judges_ of the compositions they constantly prescribe;
to these may be added the still greater number, that never condescend
to undergo the task of inspection, forming together a major part of the
very numerous and respectable body I have undertaken to instruct.—If
you are a dispenser of _chemicals_ and _galenicals_ by retail, one
additional observation will prove worthy your attention—never let
your shop, or dispensary, get into disrepute by too much modesty, in
saying you are without the most obsolete or ridiculous article that
can be enquired for; if _oil of swallows_, _oil of bricks_, _lobsters’
blood_, or _milk of lilies_, should be the objects in request, let
the fertility of your invention _instantly_ furnish a substitute for
either; of these, such a great variety are always to be found, the
least enumeration becomes unnecessary.
The series of instructions advanced for the promotion of professional
interest, have been promulgated without a fear of offence, or hope of
reward; amidst the very great number of different practitioners, into
whose hands these admonitions must inevitably fall, happy he who can
exultingly exclaim,
“Let the gall’d jade wince, our withers are unwrung.”
From the physician, who lingers out a life of _studious suspense_,
and derives a scanty subsistence from the alternate labour of
morning visits and evening lectures—from that _dignified_ “member
of the corporation,” whole _mercurial_ abilities are thrust into
the hand of every dirty passenger, in the more dirty avenues of
the metropolis—from that industrious _accoucher_, whose incessant
nocturnal labour renders him, in common life, little superior to the
_nightman_, and that equal drudge the metropolitan _pharmacopolist_, I
can have little to expect but universal denunciation of vengeance, and
threats of malevolence: to the effect of these, I oppose the stability
of _truth_, that will render me _invulnerable_ to all their attacks.
A steady observance of the iniquity of medical practice has long since
powerfully convinced me of the absolute necessity of professional
reformation, and should I (by arming the public with a weapon of
self-defence) succeed in producing a change in the systematic
imposition of one, and preventing perpetual depredation upon the
other, every idea of personal ambition will be fully gratified, for
“So little slave to what the world calls fame;
As dies my body—so I wish my name.”
But this obscurity in the present instance is much more anxiously
to be _hoped_ than _expected_, for there cannot be the least doubt
entertained but _some one_ of his Majesty’s ministers (who are ever
anxious for the public good and increase of revenue) will, through
the medium of the publisher, discover the joint secret of _name_ and
_residence_, that by placing the author in the TREASURY, CUSTOMS,
or some office equally lucrative, they may avail themselves of his
INTEGRITY, not hesitating a moment to believe, that so just an
investigator of professional impositions upon individuals, must
unavoidably render the STATE adequate service, in the discovery of
official depredations upon the PUBLIC.
FINIS.
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