THE LADY. I am not. I couldn't bear to look at it. One of my dearest
friends was blown to pieces by an aircraft gun; and since then I have
never been able to think of one without horror.
AUGUSTUS. You mean it was a real gun, and actually went off. How sad!
how sad! [He pushes the sham list back into the envelope, and pockets
it.]
THE LADY. Ah! [Great sigh of relief]. And now, Lord Augustus, I have
taken up too much of your valuable time. Goodbye.
AUGUSTUS. What! Must you go?
THE LADY. You are so busy.
AUGUSTUS. Yes; but not before lunch, you know. I never can do much
before lunch. And I'm no good at all in the afternoon. From five to six
is my real working time. Must you really go?
THE LADY. I must, really. I have done my business very satisfactorily.
Thank you ever so much [she proffers her hand].
AUGUSTUS [shaking it affectionately as he leads her to the door, but
fast pressing the bell button with his left hand]. Goodbye. Goodbye. So
sorry to lose you. Kind of you to come; but there was no real danger.
You see, my dear little lady, all this talk about war saving, and
secrecy, and keeping the blinds down at night, and so forth, is all very
well; but unless it's carried out with intelligence, believe me, you may
waste a pound to save a penny; you may let out all sorts of secrets to
the enemy; you may guide the Zeppelins right on to your own chimneys.
That's where the ability of the governing class comes in. Shall the
fellow call a taxi for you?
THE LADY. No, thanks: I prefer walking. Goodbye. Again, many, many
thanks.
She goes out. Augustus returns to the writing-table smiling, and takes
another look at himself in the mirror. The clerk returns, with his head
bandaged, carrying a poker.
THE CLERK. What did you ring for? [Augustus hastily drops the mirror].
Don't you come nigh me or I'll split your head with this poker, thick as
it is.
AUGUSTUS. It does not seem to me an exceptionally thick poker. I rang
for you to show the lady out.
THE CLERK. She's gone. She run out like a rabbit. I ask myself why was
she in such a hurry?
THE LADY'S VOICE [from the street]. Lord Augustus. Lord Augustus.
THE CLERK. She's calling you.
AUGUSTUS [running to the window and throwing it up]. What is it? Won't
you come up?
THE LADY. Is the clerk there?
AUGUSTUS. Yes. Do you want him?
THE LADY. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. The lady wants you at the window.
THE CLERK [rushing to the window and putting down the poker]. Yes,
ma'am? Here I am, ma'am. What is it, ma'am?
THE LADY. I want you to witness that I got clean away into the street. I
am coming up now.
The two men stare at one another.
THE CLERK. Wants me to witness that she got clean away into the street!
AUGUSTUS. What on earth does she mean?
The lady returns.
THE LADY. May I use your telephone?
AUGUSTUS. Certainly. Certainly. [Taking the receiver down.] What number
shall I get you?
THE LADY. The War Office, please.
AUGUSTUS. The War Office!?
THE LADY. If you will be so good.
AUGUSTUS. But--Oh, very well. [Into the receiver.] Hallo. This is the
Town Hall Recruiting Office. Give me Colonel Bogey, sharp.
A pause.
THE CLERK [breaking the painful silence]. I don't think I'm awake. This
is a dream of a movie picture, this is.
AUGUSTUS [his ear at the receiver]. Shut up, will you? [Into the
telephone.] What?... [To the lady.] Whom do you want to get on to?
THE LADY. Blueloo.
AUGUSTUS [into the telephone]. Put me through to Lord Hungerford
Highcastle... I'm his brother, idiot... That you, Blueloo? Lady here at
Little Pifflington wants to speak to you. Hold the line. [To the lady.]
Now, madam [he hands her the receiver].
THE LADY [sitting down in Augustus's chair to speak into the telephone].
Is that Blueloo?... Do you recognize my voice?... I've won our bet....
AUGUSTUS. Your bet!
THE LADY [into the telephone]. Yes: I have the list in my wallet....
AUGUSTUS. Nothing of the kind, madam. I have it here in my pocket. [He
takes the envelope from his pocket: draws out the paper: and unfolds
it.]
THE LADY [continuing]. Yes: I got clean into the street with it. I
have a witness. I could have got to London with it. Augustus won't deny
it....
AUGUSTUS [contemplating the blank paper]. There's nothing written on
this. Where is the list of guns?
THE LADY [continuing]. Oh, it was quite easy. I said I was my
sister-in-law and that I was a Hun. He lapped it up like a kitten....