Augustus produces a mirror, a comb, and a pot of moustache pomade from
the drawer of the writing-table, and sits down before the mirror to put
some touches to his toilet.
The clerk returns, devotedly ushering a very attractive lady,
brilliantly dressed. She has a dainty wallet hanging from her wrist.
Augustus hastily covers up his toilet apparatus with The Morning Post,
and rises in an attitude of pompous condescension.
THE CLERK [to Augustus]. Here she is. [To the lady.] May I offer you a
chair, lady? [He places a chair at the writing-table opposite Augustus,
and steals out on tiptoe.]
AUGUSTUS. Be seated, madam.
THE LADY [sitting down]. Are you Lord Augustus Highcastle?
AUGUSTUS [sitting also]. Madam, I am.
TAE LADY [with awe]. The great Lord Augustus?
AUGUSTUS. I should not dream of describing myself so, Madam; but no
doubt I have impressed my countrymen--and [bowing gallantly] may I
say my countrywomen--as having some exceptional claims to their
consideration.
THE LADY [emotionally]. What a beautiful voice you have!
AUGUSTUS. What you hear, madam, is the voice of my country, which
now takes a sweet and noble tone even in the harsh mouth of high
officialism.
THE LADY. Please go on. You express yourself so wonderfully!
AUGUSTUS. It would be strange indeed if, after sitting on thirty-seven
Royal Commissions, mostly as chairman, I had not mastered the art
of public expression. Even the Radical papers have paid me the high
compliment of declaring that I am never more impressive than when I have
nothing to say.
THE LADY. I never read the Radical papers. All I can tell you is that
what we women admire in you is not the politician, but the man of
action, the heroic warrior, the beau sabreur.
AUGUSTUS [gloomily]. Madam, I beg! Please! My military exploits are not
a pleasant subject, unhappily.
THE LADY. Oh, I know I know. How shamefully you have been treated! what
ingratitude! But the country is with you. The women are with you. Oh, do
you think all our hearts did not throb and all our nerves thrill when
we heard how, when you were ordered to occupy that terrible quarry in
Hulluch, and you swept into it at the head of your men like a sea-god
riding on a tidal wave, you suddenly sprang over the top shouting "To
Berlin! Forward!"; dashed at the German army single-handed; and were cut
off and made prisoner by the Huns.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, madam; and what was my reward? They said I had disobeyed
orders, and sent me home. Have they forgotten Nelson in the Baltic?
Has any British battle ever been won except by a bold initiative? I say
nothing of professional jealousy, it exists in the army as elsewhere;
but it is a bitter thought to me that the recognition denied me by my
country--or rather by the Radical cabal in the Cabinet which pursues my
family with rancorous class hatred--that this recognition, I say, came
to me at the hands of an enemy--of a rank Prussian.
THE LADY. You don't say so!
AUGUSTUS. How else should I be here instead of starving to death in
Ruhleben? Yes, madam: the Colonel of the Pomeranian regiment which
captured me, after learning what I had done, and conversing for an
hour with me on European politics and military strategy, declared that
nothing would induce him to deprive my country of my services, and set
me free. I offered, of course, to procure the release in exchange of
a German officer of equal quality; but he would not hear of it. He was
kind enough to say he could not believe that a German officer answering
to that description existed. [With emotion.] I had my first taste of the
ingratitude of my own country as I made my way back to our lines. A shot
from our front trench struck me in the head. I still carry the flattened
projectile as a trophy [he throws it on the table; the noise it makes
testifies to its weight]. Had it penetrated to the brain I might never
have sat on another Royal Commission. Fortunately we have strong heads,
we Highcastles. Nothing has ever penetrated to our brains.
THE LADY. How thrilling! How simple! And how tragic! But you will
forgive England? Remember: England! Forgive her.
AUGUSTUS [with gloomy magnanimity]. It will make no difference whatever
to my services to my country. Though she slay me, yet will I, if not
exactly trust in her, at least take my part in her government. I am ever
at my country's call. Whether it be the embassy in a leading European
capital, a governor-generalship in the tropics, or my humble mission
here to make Little Pifflington do its bit, I am always ready for the
sacrifice. Whilst England remains England, wherever there is a public
job to be done you will find a Highcastle sticking to it. And now,
madam, enough of my tragic personal history. You have called on
business. What can I do for you?
THE LADY. You have relatives at the Foreign Office, have you not?
AUGUSTUS [haughtily]. Madam, the Foreign Office is staffed by my
relatives exclusively.
THE LADY. Has the Foreign Office warned you that you are being pursued
by a female spy who is determined to obtain possession of a certain list
of gun emplacements?
AUGUSTUS [interrupting her somewhat loftily]. All that is perfectly well
known to this department, madam.
THE LADY [surprised and rather indignant]. Is it? Who told you? Was it
one of your German brothers-in-law?
AUGUSTUS [injured, remonstrating]. I have only three German
brothers-in-law, madam. Really, from your tone, one would suppose that
I had several. Pardon my sensitiveness on that subject; but reports are
continually being circulated that I have been shot as a traitor in
the courtyard of the Ritz Hotel simply because I have German
brothers-in-law. [With feeling.] If you had a German brother-in-law,
madam, you would know that nothing else in the world produces so strong
an anti-German feeling. Life affords no keener pleasure than finding a
brother-in-law's name in the German casualty list.
THE LADY. Nobody knows that better than I. Wait until you hear what
I have come to tell you: you will understand me as no one else could.
Listen. This spy, this woman--
AUGUSTUS [all attention]. Yes?
THE LADY. She is a German. A Hun.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, yes. She would be. Continue.
THE LADY. She is my sister-in-law.
AUGUSTUS [deferentially]. I see you are well connected, madam. Proceed.
THE LADY. Need I add that she is my bitterest enemy?
AUGUSTUS. May I--[he proffers his hand. They shake, fervently. From this
moment onward Augustus becomes more and more confidential, gallant, and
charming.]
THE LADY. Quite so. Well, she is an intimate friend of your brother at
the War Office, Hungerford Highcastle, Blueloo as you call him, I don't
know why.
AUGUSTUS [explaining]. He was originally called The Singing Oyster,
because he sang drawing-room ballads with such an extraordinary absence
of expression. He was then called the Blue Point for a season or two.
Finally he became Blueloo.
THE LADY. Oh, indeed: I didn't know. Well, Blueloo is simply infatuated
with my sister-in-law; and he has rashly let out to her that this list
is in your possession. He forgot himself because he was in a towering
rage at its being entrusted to you: his language was terrible. He
ordered all the guns to be shifted at once.
AUGUSTUS. What on earth did he do that for?
THE LADY. I can't imagine. But this I know. She made a bet with him
that she would come down here and obtain possession of that list and get
clean away into the street with it. He took the bet on condition that
she brought it straight back to him at the War Office.
AUGUSTUS. Good heavens! And you mean to tell me that Blueloo was such a
dolt as to believe that she could succeed? Does he take me for a fool?
THE LADY. Oh, impossible! He is jealous of your intellect. The bet is
an insult to you: don't you feel that? After what you have done for our
country--
AUGUSTUS. Oh, never mind that. It is the idiocy of the thing I look at.
He'll lose his bet; and serve him right!
THE LADY. You feel sure you will be able to resist the siren? I warn
you, she is very fascinating.
AUGUSTUS. You need have no fear, madam. I hope she will come and try
it on. Fascination is a game that two can play at. For centuries the
younger sons of the Highcastles have had nothing to do but fascinate
attractive females when they were not sitting on Royal Commissions or on
duty at Knightsbridge barracks. By Gad, madam, if the siren comes here
she will meet her match.