AUGUSTUS. Sir!
THE CLERK [explaining]. Hell, they says, is paved with good intentions.
AUGUSTUS [springing to his feet]. Do you mean to insinuate that hell is
paved with MY good intentions--with the good intentions of His Majesty's
Government?
THE CLERK. I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence of the
Realm Act is repealed. It ain't safe.
AUGUSTUS. They told me that this town had set an example to all England
in the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the Mayor a
knighthood for his exertions.
THE CLERK. The Mayor! Where do I come in?
AUGUSTUS. You don't come in. You go out. This is a fool of a place. I'm
greatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed. [Flinging himself back into
his chair.] Disgusted.
THE CLERK. What more can we do? We've shut up everything. The picture
gallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and picture shows is
shut: I haven't seen a movie picture for six months.
AUGUSTUS. Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the Hun is at
the gate?
THE CLERK [mournfully]. I don't now, though it drove me melancholy mad
at first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat poison--
AUGUSTUS. Why didn't you?
THE CLERK. Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead. That
saved my life, though it makes me very poor company in the mornings, as
[hiccuping] perhaps you've noticed.
AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there and
confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.
THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's changed.
Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking at the bar. I'm a
respectable man and must buy my drink and take it home with me. And they
won't serve me with less than a quart. If you'd told me before the war
that I could get through a quart of whisky in a day, I shouldn't have
believed you. That's the good of war: it brings out powers in a man
that he never suspected himself capable of. You said so yourself in your
speech last night.
AUGUSTUS. I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile. You ought to
be ashamed of yourself. There must be an end of this drunken slacking.
I'm going to establish a new order of things here. I shall come down
every morning before breakfast until things are properly in train. Have
a cup of coffee and two rolls for me here every morning at half-past
ten.
THE CLERK. You can't have no rolls. The only baker that baked rolls was
a Hun; and he's been interned.
AUGUSTUS. Quite right, too. And was there no Englishman to take his
place?
THE CLERK. There was. But he was caught spying; and they took him up to
London and shot him.
AUGUSTUS. Shot an Englishman!
THE CLERK. Well, it stands to reason if the Germans wanted to spy they
wouldn't employ a German that everybody would suspect, don't it?
AUGUSTUS [rising again]. Do you mean to say, you scoundrel, that an
Englishman is capable of selling his country to the enemy for gold?
THE CLERK. Not as a general thing I wouldn't say it; but there's men
here would sell their own mothers for two coppers if they got the
chance.
AUGUSTUS. Beamish, it's an ill bird that fouls its own nest.
THE CLERK. It wasn't me that let Little Pifflington get foul. I don't
belong to the governing classes. I only tell you why you can't have no
rolls.
AUGUSTUS [intensely irritated]. Can you tell me where I can find an
intelligent being to take my orders?
THE CLERK. One of the street sweepers used to teach in the school until
it was shut up for the sake of economy. Will he do?
AUGUSTUS. What! You mean to tell me that when the lives of the gallant
fellows in our trenches, and the fate of the British Empire, depend on
our keeping up the supply of shells, you are wasting money on sweeping
the streets?
THE CLERK. We have to. We dropped it for a while; but the infant death
rate went up something frightful.
AUGUSTUS. What matters the death rate of Little Pifflington in a moment
like this? Think of our gallant soldiers, not of your squalling infants.
THE CLERK. If you want soldiers you must have children. You can't buy em
in boxes, like toy soldiers.
AUGUSTUS. Beamish, the long and the short of it is, you are no patriot.
Go downstairs to your office; and have that gas stove taken away and
replaced by an ordinary grate. The Board of Trade has urged on me the
necessity for economizing gas.
THE CLERK. Our orders from the Minister of Munitions is to use gas
instead of coal, because it saves material. Which is it to be?
AUGUSTUS [bawling furiously at him]. Both! Don't criticize your orders:
obey them. Yours not to reason why: yours but to do and die. That's war.
[Cooling down.] Have you anything else to say?
THE CLERK. Yes: I want a rise.
AUGUSTUS [reeling against the table in his horror]. A rise! Horatio
Floyd Beamish, do you know that we are at war?
THE CLERK [feebly ironical]. I have noticed something about it in the
papers. Heard you mention it once or twice, now I come to think of it.
AUGUSTUS. Our gallant fellows are dying in the trenches; and you want a
rise!
THE CLERK. What are they dying for? To keep me alive, ain't it? Well,
what's the good of that if I'm dead of hunger by the time they come
back?
AUGUSTUS. Everybody else is making sacrifices without a thought of self;
and you--
THE CLERK. Not half, they ain't. Where's the baker's sacrifice? Where's
the coal merchant's? Where's the butcher's? Charging me double: that's
how they sacrifice themselves. Well, I want to sacrifice myself that
way too. Just double next Saturday: double and not a penny less; or no
secretary for you [he stiffens himself shakily, and makes resolutely for
the door.]
AUGUSTUS [looking after him contemptuously]. Go, miserable pro-German.
THE CLERK [rushing back and facing him]. Who are you calling a
pro-German?
AUGUSTUS. Another word, and I charge you under the Act with discouraging
me. Go.
The clerk blenches and goes out, cowed.
The telephone rings.
AUGUSTUS [taking up the telephone receiver.] Hallo. Yes: who are
you?... oh, Blueloo, is it?... Yes: there's nobody in the room: fire away.
What?... A spy!... A woman!... Yes: brought it down with me. Do you suppose
I'm such a fool as to let it out of my hands? Why, it gives a list
of all our anti-aircraft emplacements from Ramsgate to Skegness. The
Germans would give a million for it--what?... But how could she possibly
know about it? I haven't mentioned it to a soul, except, of course, dear
Lucy... Oh, Toto and Lady Popham and that lot: they don't count: they're
all right. I mean that I haven't mentioned it to any Germans.... Pooh!
Don't you be nervous, old chap. I know you think me a fool; but I'm not
such a fool as all that. If she tries to get it out of me I'll have
her in the Tower before you ring up again. [The clerk returns.] Sh-sh!
Somebody's just come in: ring off. Goodbye. [He hangs up the receiver.]