"Khartoum, September 3rd, 1884.
"It is a long time since I made my last entry. I could put no date to
it then, and till yesterday could hardly even have named the month. I
am back again among friends, but I can hardly say that I am safer here
than I was at El Obeid. I have not written, because there was nothing
to write. One day was like another, and as my paper was finished, and
there were no incidents in my life, I let the matter slide.
"Again and again I contemplated attempting to make my way to this town,
but the difficulties would be enormous. There were the dangers of the
desert, the absence of wells, the enormous probability of losing my
way, and, most of all, the chance that, before I reached Khartoum, it
would have been captured. The Emir had been expecting news of its fall,
for months.
"There had been several fights, in some of which they had been
victorious. In others, even according to their own accounts, they had
been worsted. Traitors in the town kept them well informed of the state
of supplies. They declared that these were almost exhausted, and that
the garrison must surrender. Indeed, several of the commanders of
bodies of troops had offered to surrender posts held by them.
"So I had put aside all hope of escape, and decided not to make any
attempt until after Khartoum fell, when the Dervishes boasted they
would march down and conquer Egypt, to the sea.
"They had already taken Berber. Dongola was at their mercy. I thought
the best chance would be to go down with them, as far as they went, and
then to slip away. In this way I should shorten the journey I should
have to traverse alone; and, being on the river bank, could at least
always obtain water. Besides, I might possibly secure some small native
boat, and with the help of the current get down to Assouan before the
Dervishes could arrive there. This I should have attempted; but, three
weeks ago, an order came from the Mahdi to El Khatim, ordering him to
send to Omdurman five hundred well-armed men, who were to be commanded
by his son Abu. Khatim was to remain at El Obeid, with the main body of
his force, until further orders.
"Abu came to me at once, with the news.
"'You will take me with you, Abu,' I exclaimed. 'This is the chance I
have been hoping for. Once within a day's journey of Khartoum, I could
slip away at night, and it would be very hard if I could not manage to
cross the Nile into Khartoum.'
"'I will take you, if you wish it,' he said. 'The danger will be very
great, not in going with me, but in making your way into Khartoum.'
"'It does not seem to me that it would be so,' I said. 'I should strike
the river four or five miles above the town, cut a bundle of rushes,
swim out to the middle of the river, drift down till I was close to the
town, and then swim across.'
"'So be it,' he said. 'It is your will, not mine.'
"Khatim came to me afterwards, and advised me to stay, but I said that
it might be years before I had another chance to escape; and that,
whatever risk there was, I would prefer running it.
"'Then we shall see you no more,' he said, 'for Khartoum will assuredly
fall, and you will be killed.'
"'If you were a prisoner in the hands of the white soldiers, Emir,' I
said, 'I am sure that you would run any risk, if there was a chance of
getting home again. So it is with me. I have a wife and child, in
Cairo. Her heart must be sick with pain, at the thought of my death. I
will risk anything to get back as soon as possible. If I reach
Khartoum, and it is afterwards captured, I can disguise myself and
appear as I now am, hide for a while, and then find out where Abu is
and join him again. But perhaps, when he sees that no further
resistance can be made, General Gordon will embark on one of his
steamers and go down the river, knowing that it would be better for the
people of the town that the Mahdi should enter without opposition; in
which case you would scarcely do harm to the peaceful portion of the
population, or to the troops who had laid down their arms.'
"'Very well,' the Emir said. 'Abu has told me that he has tried to
dissuade you, but that you will go. We owe you a great debt of
gratitude, for all that you have done for us, and therefore I will not
try to dissuade you. I trust Allah will protect you.'
"And so we started the next morning. I rode by the side of Abu, and as
all knew that I was the hakim who had taken off his arm, none wondered.
The journey was made without any incident worth recording. Abu did not
hurry. We made a long march between each of the wells, and then halted
for a day. So we journeyed, until we made our last halt before arriving
at Omdurman.
"'You are still determined to go?' Abu said to me.
"'I shall leave tonight, my friend.'
"'I shall not forget all that you have told me about your people,
hakim. Should any white man fall into my hands, I will spare him for
your sake. These are evil times, and I regret all that has passed. I
believe that the Mahdi is a prophet; but I fear that, in many things,
he has misunderstood the visions and orders he received. I see that
evil rather than good has fallen upon the land, and that though we
loved not the rule of the Egyptians, we were all better off under it
than we are now. We pass through ruined villages, and see the skeletons
of many people. We know that where the waterwheels formerly spread the
water from the rivers over the fields, is now a desert; and that,
except the fighting men, the people perish from hunger.
"'All this is bad. I see that, if we enter Egypt, we shall be like a
flight of locusts. We shall eat up the country and leave a desert
behind us. Surely this cannot be according to the wishes of Allah, who
is all merciful. You have taught me much in your talks with me, and I
do not see things as I used to. So much do I feel it, that in my heart
I could almost wish that your countrymen should come here, and
establish peace and order.
"'The Mohamedans of India, you tell me, are well content with their
rulers. Men may exercise their religion and their customs, without
hindrance. They know that the strong cannot prey upon the weak, and
each man reaps what he has sown, in peace. You tell me that India was
like the Soudan before you went there--that there were great
conquerors, constant wars, and the peasants starved while the robbers
grew rich; and that, under your rule, peace and contentment were
restored. I would that it could be so here. But it seems, to me,
impossible that we should be conquered by people so far away.'
"'I hope that it will be so, Abu; and I think that if the great and
good white general, Governor Gordon, is murdered at Khartoum, the
people of my country will never rest until his death has been avenged.'
"'You had better take your horse,' he said. 'If you were to go on foot,
it would be seen that there was a horse without a rider, and there
would be a search for you; but if you and your horse are missing, it
will be supposed that you have ridden on to Omdurman to give notice of
our coming, and none will think more of the matter.'
"As soon as the camp was asleep, I said goodbye to Abu; and took my
horse by the reins and led him into the desert, half a mile away. Then
I mounted, and rode fast. The stars were guide enough, and in three
hours I reached the Nile. I took off the horse's saddle and bridle, and
left him to himself. Then I crept out and cut a bundle of rushes, and
swam into the stream with them.
"After floating down the river for an hour, I saw the light of a few
fires on the right bank, and guessed that this was a Dervish force,
beleaguering Khartoum from that side. I drifted on for another hour,
drawing closer and closer to the shore, until I could see walls and
forts; then I stripped off my Dervish frock, and swam ashore.
"I had, during the time we had been on the journey, abstained from
staining my skin under my garments, in order that I might be recognized
as a white man, as soon as I bared my arms.
"I lay down till it was broad daylight, and then walked up to the foot
of a redoubt. There were shouts of surprise from the black soldiers
there, as I approached. I shouted to them, in Arabic, that I was an
Englishman; and two or three of them at once ran down the slope, and
aided me to climb it. I was taken, at my request, to General Gordon,
who was surprised, indeed, when I told him that I was a survivor of
Hicks's force, and had been living nine months at El Obeid.
"'You are heartily welcome, sir,' he said; 'but I fear that you have
come into an even greater danger than you have left, for our position
here is well-nigh desperate. For months I have been praying for aid
from England, and my last news was that it was just setting out, so I
fear there is no hope that it will reach me in time. The government of
England will have to answer, before God, for their desertion of me, and
of the poor people here, whom they sent me to protect from the Mahdi.
"'For myself, I am content. I have done my duty as far as lay in my
power, but I had a right to rely upon receiving support from those who
sent me. I am in the hands of God. But for the many thousands who
trusted in me, and remained here, I feel very deeply.
"'Now the first thing is to provide you with clothes. I am expecting
Colonel Stewart here, every minute, and he will see that you are made
comfortable.'
"'I shall be glad to place myself at your disposal, sir,' I said. 'I
speak Arabic fluently, and shall be ready to perform any service of
which I may be capable.'
"'I thank you,' he said, 'and will avail myself of your offer, if I see
any occasion; but at present, we have rather to suffer than to do. We
have occasional fights, but of late the attacks have been feeble, and I
think that the Mahdi depends upon hunger rather than force to obtain
possession of this town.
"This evening, I will ask you to tell me your story. Colonel Stewart
will show you a room. There is only one other white man--Mr.
Power--here. We live together as one family, of which you will now be a
member.'
"I felt strange when I came to put on my European clothes. Mr. Power,
who tells me he has been here for some years, as correspondent of the
Times, has this afternoon taken me round the defences, and into the
workshops. I think the place can resist any attacks, if the troops
remain faithful; but of this there is a doubt. A good many of the
Soudanese have already been sent away. As Gordon said at dinner this
evening, if he had but a score of English officers, he would be
perfectly confident that he could resist any enemy save starvation.
"September 12th:
"It has been settled that Colonel Stewart and Mr. Power are to go down
the river in the Abbas, and I am to go with them. The General proposed
it to me. I said that I could not think of leaving him here by himself,
so he said kindly:
"'I thank you, Mr. Hilliard, but you could do no good here, and would
only be throwing away your life. We can hold on to the end of the year,
though the pinch will be very severe; but I think we can make the
stores last, till then. But by the end of December our last crust will
have been eaten, and the end will have come. It will be a satisfaction
to me to know that I have done my best, and fail only because of the
miserable delays and hesitation of government.'
"So it is settled that I am going. The gunboats are to escort us for
some distance. Were it not for Gordon, I should feel delighted at the
prospect. It is horrible to leave him--one of the noblest
Englishmen!--alone to his fate. My only consolation is that if I
remained I could not avert it, but should only be a sharer in it.
"September 18th:
"We left Khartoum on the 14th, and came down without any serious
trouble until this morning, when the boat struck on a rock in the
cataract, opposite a village called Hebbeh. A hole has been knocked in
her bottom, and there is not a shadow of hope of getting her off.
Numbers of the natives have gathered on the shore. I have advised that
we should disregard their invitations to land, but that, as there would
be no animosity against the black crew, they would be safe; and that we
three whites should take the ship's boat, and four of the crew, put
provisions for a week on board, and make our way down the river.
Colonel Stewart, however, feels convinced that the people can be
trusted, and that we had better land and place ourselves under the
protection of the sheik. He does not know the Arabs as well as I do.
"However, as he has determined to go ashore, I can do nothing. I
consider it unlikely, in the extreme, that there will be any additions
to this journal. If, at any time in the future, this should fall into
the hands of any of my countrymen, I pray that they will send it down
to my dear wife, Mrs. Hilliard, whom, I pray, God may bless and
comfort, care of the Manager of the Bank, Cairo."