The rules laid down in books of etiquette may seem preposterously
elaborate and absurd to the denizens of cities, and to those who have
had the manual of society at their fingers' ends from childhood, but
they may be like the grammar of an unknown tongue to the youth or
maiden whose life has been spent in seclusion or a rustic
neighbourhood. As it is the aim of this unpretending volume to assist
such young people, a few hints to young men coming fresh from life on
the plains, or from an Eastern or Western college, from any life which
has separated them from the society of ladies, may not be considered
impertinent.
A young man on coming into a great city, or into a new place where he
is not known, should try to bring a few letters of introduction. If he
can bring such a letter to any lady of good social position, he has
nothing further to do but deliver it, and if she takes him up and
introduces him, his social position is made. But this good fortune
cannot always be commanded. Young men often pass through a lonely life
in a great city, never finding that desired opportunity.
To some it comes through a friendship on the tennis ground, at the
clubs, or through business. If a friend says to some ladies that
Tilden is a good fellow, Tilden will be sought out and invited. It is
hardly creditable to any young man to live in a great city without
knowing the best ladies' society. He should seek to do so, and
perhaps the simplest way would be for him to ask some friend to take
him about and to introduce him. Once introduced, Tilden should be
particular not to transcend the delicate outlines of social suffrance.
He must not immediately rush into an intimacy.
A call should never be too long. A woman of the world says that one
hour is all that should be granted to a caller. This rule is a good
one for an evening visit. It is much better to have one's hostess
wishing for a longer visit than to have her sigh that you should go.
In a first visit, a gentleman should always send in his card. After
that he may dispense with that ceremony.
A gentleman, for an evening visit, should always be in evening dress,
black cloth dress-coat, waistcoat, and trousers, faultless linen and
white cravat, silk stockings, and polished low shoes. A black cravat
is permissible, but it is not full dress. He should carry a crush hat
in his hand, and a cane if he likes. For a dinner-party a white cravat
is indispensable; a man must wear it then. No jewelry of any kind is
fashionable, excepting rings. Men hide their watch chains, in evening
dress.
The hands should be especially cared for, the nails carefully cut and
trimmed. No matter how big or how red the hand is, the more masculine
the better. Women like men to look manly, as if they could drive, row,
play ball, cricket, perhaps even handle the gloves.
A gentleman's dress should be so quiet and so perfect that it will not
excite remark or attention. Thackeray used to advise that a
watering-pot should be applied to a new hat to take off the gloss. The
suspicion of being dressed up defeats an otherwise good toilet.
We will suppose that Tilden becomes sufficiently well acquainted to
be asked to join a theatre party. He must be punctual at the
rendezvous, and take as a partner whomever the hostess may assign him,
but in the East he must not offer to send a carriage; that must come
from the giver of the party. In this, Eastern and Western etiquette
are at variance, for in certain cities in the West and South a
gentleman is expected to call in a carriage, and take a young lady to
a party. To do this would be social ruin in Europe, nor is it allowed
in Boston or New York. If, however, Tilden wishes to give a theatre
party, he must furnish everything. He first asks a lady to _chaperon_
his party. He must arrange that all meet at his room, or a friend's
house. He must charter an omnibus or send carriages for the whole
party; he must buy the tickets. He is then expected to invite his
party to sup with him after the theatre, making the feast as handsome
as his means allow. This is a favourite and proper manner for a young
man to return the civilities offered him. It is indispensable that he
should have the mother of one of the young ladies present. The custom
of having such a party with only a very young _chaperon_ has fallen,
properly, into disrepute. And it seems almost unnecessary to say so,
except that the offence has been committed.
A man should never force himself into any society, or go anywhere
unasked. Of course, if he be taken by a lady, she assumes the
responsibility, and it is an understood thing that a leader of society
can take a young man anywhere. She is his sponsor.
In the early morning a young man should wear the heavy, loosely
fitting English clothes now so fashionable, but for an afternoon
promenade with a lady, or for a reception, a frock coat tightly
buttoned, gray trousers, a neat tie, and plain gold pin is very good
form. This dress is allowed at a small dinner in the country, or for a
Sunday tea.
If men are in the Adirondacks, if flannel is the only wear, there is
no dressing for dinner; but in a country house, where there are
guests, it is better to make a full evening toilet, unless the hostess
gives absolution. There should always be some change, and clean linen,
a fresh coat, fresh shoes, etc., donned even in the quiet retirement
of one's own home. Neatness, a cold bath every morning, and much
exercise in the open air are among the admirable customs of young
gentlemen of the present day. If every one of them, no matter how
busy, how hard-worked, could come home and dress for dinner, it would
be a good habit. Indeed, if all American men, like all English men,
would show this attention to their wives, society would be far more
elegant. A man always expects his wife to dress for him; why should he
not dress for her? He is then ready for evening visits, operas,
parties, theatres, wherever he may wish to go. No man should sit down
to a seven o'clock dinner unless freshly dressed.
If Tilden can afford to keep a tilbury, or a dog-cart, and fine
horses, so much the better for him. He can take a young girl to drive,
if her mamma consents; but a servant should sit behind; that is
indispensable. The livery and the whole turnout should be elegant, but
not flashy, if Tilden would succeed. As true refinement comes from
within, let him read the noble description of Thackeray:--
"What is it to be a gentleman? Is it to be honest, to be gentle, to be
generous, to be true, to be brave, to be wise, and possessing all
these qualities to exercise them in the most gentle manner? Ought a
gentleman to be a loyal son, a true husband, and honest father? Ought
his life to be decent, his bills to be paid, his tastes to be high and
elegant? Yes, a thousand times yes!"
Young men who come to a great city to live are sometimes led astray by
the success of gaudy adventurers who do not fall within the lines of
the above description, men who get on by means of enormous impudence,
self-assurance, audacity, and plausible ways. But if they have
patience and hold to the right, the gentleman will succeed, and the
adventurer will fail. No such man lasts long. Give him rope enough,
and he will soon hang himself.
It is not necessary here to refer to the etiquette of clubs. They are
self-protecting. A man soon learns their rules and limitations. A man
of honesty and character seldom gets into difficulty at his club. If
his club rejects or pronounces against him, however, it is a social
stigma which it is hard to wipe out.
A young man should lose no opportunity of improving himself. Works of
art are a fine means of instruction. He should read and study in his
leisure hours, and frequent picture galleries and museums. A young man
becomes the most agreeable of companions if he brings a keen fresh
intelligence, refined tastes, and a desire to be agreeable into
society. Success in society is like electricity,--it makes itself
felt, and yet is unseen and indescribable.
It is a nice thing if a man has some accomplishment, such as music or
elocution, and to be a good dancer is almost indispensable. Yet many a
man gets on without any of these.
It is a work-a-day world that we live in, and the whole formation of
our society betrays it. Then dress plainly, simply, and without
display. A gentleman's servants often dress better than their master,
and yet nothing is so distinctive as the dress of a gentleman. It is
as much a costume of nobility as if it were the velvet coat which Sir
Walter Raleigh threw down before Queen Elizabeth.
It may not be inappropriate here to say a word or two on minor points.
In addressing a note to a lady, whom he does not know well, Tilden
should use the third person, as follows:--
Mr. Tilden presents his compliments to Mrs. Montgomery and
begs to know if she and Miss Montgomery will honor him with
their company at a theatre party in the evening of April 3d,
at the Chestnut Street Theatre.
R. S. V. P. 117 South Market Place.
This note should be sealed with wax, impressed with the writer's coat
of arms or some favourite device, and delivered by a private messenger
who should wait for an answer. In addressing a letter to a gentleman,
the full title should be used,--"Walter Tilden, Esq.," or, first name
not known, "---- Tilden, Esq.," never, "Mr. Walter Tilden." If it be
an invitation, it is not etiquette to say "Mister."
In writing in the first person, Tilden must not be too familiar. He
must make no elisions or contractions, but fill out every word and
line, as if it were a pleasure.
It is urged against us by foreigners, that the manners of men toward
women partake of the freedom of the age; that they are not
sufficiently respectful. But, if careless in manner, American men are
the most chivalrous at heart.
At a ball a young man can ask a friend to present him to a lady who is
chaperoning a young girl, and through her he can be presented to the
young girl. No man should, however, introduce another man without
permission. If he is presented and asks the girl to dance, a short
walk is permitted before he returns his partner to the side of the
_chaperon_. But it is bad manners for the young couple to disappear
for a long time. No man should go into a supper-room alone, or help
himself while ladies remain unhelped.
To get on in society involves so much that can never be written down
that any manual is of course imperfect; for no one can predict who
will succeed and who will fail. Bold and arrogant people--"cheeky"
people--succeed at first, modest ones in the long run. It is a
melancholy fact that the most objectionable persons do get into
fashionable society. It is to be feared that the possession of wealth
is more desired than the possession of any other attribute; that much
is forgiven in the rich man which would be rank heresy in the poor
one.
We would not, however, advise Tilden to choose his friends from the
worldly point simply, either of fashion or wealth. He should try to
find those who are well bred, good, true, honourable, and generous.
Wherever they are, such people are always good society.
In the ranks of society we find sometimes the ideal gentleman. Society
may not have produced so good a crop as it should have done; yet its
false aims have not yet dazzled all men out of the true, the ideal
breeding. There are many clubs; but there are some admirable
Crichtons,--men who can think, read, study, work, and still be
fashionable.
A man should go through the fierce fires of social competition, and
yet not be scorched. All men have not had that fine, repressive
training, which makes our navy and army men such gentlemen. The
breeding of the young men of fashion is not what their grandfathers
would have called good. They sometimes have a severe and bored
expression when called on to give up a selfish pleasure. One asks,
"Where are their manners?"
Breeding, cultivation, manners, must start from the heart. The old
saying that it takes three generations to make a gentleman makes us
ask, How many does it take to unmake one? Some young and well-born men
seem to be undoing the work of the three generations, and to have
inherited nothing of a great ancestor but his bad manners. An American
should have the best manners. He has had nothing to crush him; he is
unacquainted with patronage, which in its way makes snobs, and no one
loves a snob, least of all the man whom the snob cultivates.
The word "gentleman" although one of the best in the language, should
not be used too much. Be a gentleman, but talk about a man. A man
avoids display and cultivates simplicity, neatness, and fitness of
things, if he is both a man and a gentleman.