From my own Apartment, December 5.
There is nothing gives a man greater satisfaction than the sense of
having despatched a great deal of business, especially when it turns to
the public emolument. I have much pleasure of this kind upon my spirits
at present, occasioned by the fatigue of affairs which I went through
last Saturday. It is some time since I set apart that day for examining
the pretensions of several who had applied to me for canes, perspective
glasses, snuff-boxes, orange-flower-waters, and the like ornaments of
life. In order to adjust this matter, I had before directed Charles
Lillie of Beaufort Buildings to prepare a great bundle of blank licenses
in the following words:
"You are hereby required to permit the bearer of this cane to pass and
repass through the streets and suburbs of London, or any place within
ten miles of it, without let or molestation, provided that he does not
walk with it under his arm, brandish it in the air, or hang it on a
button: in which case it shall be forfeited; and I hereby declare it
forfeited, to any one who shall think it safe to take it from him.
"ISAAC BICKERSTAFF."
The same form, differing only in the provisos, will serve for a
perspective, snuff-box, or perfumed handkerchief. I had placed myself
in my elbow-chair at the upper end of my great parlour, having ordered
Charles Lillie to take his place upon a joint stool, with a writing-desk
before him. John Morphew also took his station at the door; I having,
for his good and faithful services, appointed him my chamber-keeper
upon court days. He let me know that there were a great number attending
without. Upon which I ordered him to give notice, that I did not intend
to sit upon snuff-boxes that day; but that those who appeared for canes
might enter. The first presented me with the following petition, which I
ordered Mr. Lillie to read.
"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN.
"The humble petition of SIMON TRIPPIT,
"Showeth,
"That your petitioner having been bred up to a cane from his youth, it
is now become as necessary to him as any other of his limbs.
"That, a great part of his behaviour depending upon it, he should be
reduced to the utmost necessities if he should lose the use of it.
"That the knocking of it upon his shoe, leaning one leg upon it,
or whistling with it on his mouth, are such great reliefs to him in
conversation, that he does not know how to be good company without it.
"That he is at present engaged in an amour, and must despair of success
if it be taken from him.
"Your petitioner, therefore, hopes, that the premises tenderly
considered, your Worship will not deprive him of so useful and so
necessary a support.
"And your petitioner shall ever, etc."
Upon the hearing of his case, I was touched with some compassion, and
the more so, when, upon observing him nearer, I found he was a prig. I
bade him produce his cane in court, which he had left at the door. He
did so, and I finding it to be very curiously clouded with a transparent
amber head, and a blue riband to hang upon his wrist, I immediately
ordered my clerk Lillie to lay it up, and deliver out to him a plain
joint headed with walnut; and then, in order to wean him from it by
degrees, permitted him to wear it three days in a week, and to abate
proportionably till he found himself able to go alone.
The second who appeared came limping into the court; and setting forth
in his petition many pretences for the use of a cane, I caused them
to be examined one by one, but finding him in different stories, and
confronting him with several witnesses who had seen him walk upright,
I ordered Mr. Lillie to take in his cane, and rejected his petition as
frivolous.
A third made his entry with great difficulty, leaning upon a slight
stick, and in danger of falling every step he took. I saw the weakness
of his hams; and I bade him leave his cane, and gave him a new pair
of crutches, with which he went off in great vigour and alacrity. This
gentleman was succeeded by another, who seemed very much pleased while
his petition was reading, in which he had represented, That he was
extremely afflicted with the gout, and set his foot upon the ground with
the caution and dignity which accompany that distemper. I suspected him
for an impostor, and, having ordered him to be searched, I committed
him into the hands of Doctor Thomas Smith in King Street, my own
corn-cutter, who attended in an outward room: and wrought so speedy
a cure upon him, that I thought fit to send him also away without his
cane.
While I was thus dispensing justice, I heard a noise in my outward room;
and inquiring what was the occasion of it, my door-keeper told me, that
they had taken one up in the very fact as he was passing by my door.
They immediately brought in a lively fresh-coloured young man, who made
great resistance with hand and foot, but did not offer to make use of
his cane, which hung upon his fifth button. Upon examination, I found
him to be an Oxford scholar who was just entered at the Temple. He at
first disputed the jurisdiction of the court; but, being driven out of
his little law and logic, he told me very pertly, "that he looked upon
such a perpendicular creature as man to make a very imperfect figure
without a cane in his hand. It is well known," says he, "we ought,
according to the natural situation of our bodies, to walk upon our hands
and feet: and that the wisdom of the ancients had described man to be an
animal of four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night; by
which they intimated that a cane might very properly become part of us
in some period of life." Upon which I asked him, whether he wore it at
his breast to have it in readiness when that period should arrive. My
young lawyer immediately told me, he had a property in it, and a right
to hang it where he pleased, and to make use of it as he thought fit,
provided that he did not break the peace with it; and farther said,
that he never took it off his button, unless it were to lift it up at a
coachman, hold it over the head of a drawer, point out the circumstances
of a story, or for other services of the like nature, that are all
within the laws of the land. I did not care for discouraging a young
man, who, I saw, would come to good; and, because his heart was set upon
his new purchase, I only ordered him to wear it about his neck, instead
of hanging it upon his button, and so dismissed him.
There were several appeared in court, whose pretensions I found to be
very good, and, therefore, gave them their licenses upon paying their
fees; as many others had their licenses renewed, who required more time
for recovery of their lameness than I had before allowed them.
Having despatched this set of my petitioners, there came in a
well-dressed man with a glass tube in one hand, and his petition in the
other. Upon his entering the room, he threw back the right side of his
wig, put forward his right leg, and advancing the glass to his right
eye, aimed it directly at me. In the meanwhile, to make my observations
also, I put on my spectacles, in which posture we surveyed each other
for some time. Upon the removal of our glasses I desired him to read his
petition, which he did very promptly and easily; though at the same time
it set forth that he could see nothing distinctly, and was within very
few degrees of being utterly blind, concluding with a prayer that he
might be permitted to strengthen and extend his sight by a glass.
In answer to this I told him he might sometimes extend it to his own
destruction. "As you are now," said I, "you are out of the reach of
beauty, the shafts of the finest eyes lose their force before they can
come at you; you cannot distinguish a Toast from an orange-wench;
you can see a whole circle of beauty without any interruption from
an impertinent face to discompose you. In short, what are snares for
others--" My petitioner would hear no more, but told me very seriously,
"Mr. Bickerstaff, you quite mistake your man; it is the joy, the
pleasure, the employment, of my life to frequent public assemblies,
and gaze upon the fair." In a word, I found his use of a glass was
occasioned by no other infirmity than his vanity, and was not so much
designed to make him see, as to make him be seen and distinguished by
others. I therefore refused him a license for a perspective, but allowed
him a pair of spectacles, with full permission to use them in any public
assembly as he should think fit. He was followed by so very few of this
order of men that I have reason to hope this sort of cheats are almost
at an end.
The orange-flower-men appeared next with petitions perfumed so strongly
with musk, that I was almost overcome with the scent; and for my own
sake was obliged forthwith to license their handkerchiefs, especially
when I found they had sweetened them at Charles Lillie's, and that some
of their persons would not be altogether inoffensive without them. John
Morphew, whom I have made the general of my dead men, acquainted me that
the petitioners were all of that order, and could produce certificates
to prove it if I required it. I was so well pleased with this way of
embalming themselves that I commanded the above-said Morphew to give it
in his orders to his whole army, that every one, who did not surrender
himself to be disposed of by the upholders, should use the same method
to keep himself sweet during his present state of putrefaction.
I finished my session with great content of mind, reflecting upon
the good I had done; for, however slightly men may regard these
particularities, "and little follies in dress and behaviour, they lead
to greater evils. The bearing to be laughed at for such singularities,
teaches us insensibly an impertinent fortitude, and enables us to bear
public censure for things which more substantially deserve it." By
this means they open a gate to folly, and oftentimes render a man so
ridiculous, as discredit his virtues and capacities, and unqualify them
from doing any good in the world. Besides, the giving into uncommon
habits of this nature is a want of that humble deference which is due
to mankind, and, what is worst of all, the certain indication of some
secret flaw in the mind of the person that commits them. When I was a
young man, I remember a gentleman of great integrity and worth, was
very remarkable for wearing a broad belt, and a hanger instead of a
fashionable sword, though in all other points a very well-bred man. I
suspected him at first sight to have something wrong in him, but was not
able for a long time to discover any collateral proofs of it. I watched
him narrowly for six-and-thirty years, when at last, to the surprise of
everybody but myself, who had long expected to see the folly break out,
he married his own cook-maid.
*****
Sheer Lane, December 21.
As soon as I had placed myself in my chair of judicature, I ordered my
clerk, Mr. Lillie, to read to the assembly, who were gathered together
according to notice, a certain declaration, by way of charge, to open
the purpose of my session, which tended only to this explanation, that
as other courts were often called to demand the execution of persons
dead in law; so this was held to give the last orders relating to those
who are dead in reason. The solicitor of the new Company of Upholders,
near the Haymarket, appeared in behalf of that useful society, and
brought in an accusation of a young woman, who herself stood at the
bar before me. Mr. Lillie read her indictment, which was in
substance, "That, whereas Mrs. Rebecca Pindust, of the parish of
Saint Martin-in-the-Fields, had, by the use of one instrument called a
looking-glass, and by the further use of certain attire, made either of
cambric, muslin, or other linen wares, upon her head, attained to such
an evil art and magical force in the motion of her eyes and turn of her
countenance, that she the said Rebecca had put to death several young
men of the said parish; and that the said young men had acknowledged
in certain papers, commonly called love-letters, which were produced
in court, gilded on the edges, and sealed WITH A PARTICULAR WAX, with
certain amorous and enchanting words wrought upon the said seals, that
they died for the said Rebecca: and, whereas the said Rebecca persisted
in the said evil practice; this way of life the said society construed
to be, according to former edicts, a state of death, and demanded an
order for the interment of the said Rebecca."
I looked upon the maid with great humanity, and desired her to make
answer to what was said against her. She said, "It was indeed true,
that she had practised all the arts and means she could, to dispose
of herself happily in marriage, but thought she did not come under the
censure expressed in my writings for the same; and humbly hoped I would
not condemn her for the ignorance of her accusers, who, according to
their own words, had rather represented her killing than dead." She
further alleged, "That the expressions mentioned in the papers written
to her were become mere words, and that she had been always ready to
marry any of those who said they died for her; but that they made their
escape, as soon as they found themselves pitied or believed." She ended
her discourse by desiring I would for the future settle the meaning of
the words "I die," in letters of love.
Mrs. Pindust behaved herself with such an air of innocence, that she
easily gained credit, and was acquitted. Upon which occasion I gave
it as a standing rule, "That any person, who in any letter, billet, or
discourse, should tell a woman he died for her, should, if she pleased,
be obliged to live with her, or be immediately interred upon such their
own confessions without bail or mainprize."
It happened that the very next who was brought before me was one of
her admirers, who was indicted upon that very head. A letter, which he
acknowledged to be his own hand, was read, in which were the following
words, "Cruel creature, I die for you." It was observable that he took
snuff all the time his accusation was reading. I asked him, "how he came
to use these words, if he were not a dead man?" He told me, "he was in
love with the lady, and did not know any other way of telling her so;
and that all his acquaintance took the same method." Though I was moved
with compassion towards him, by reason of the weakness of his parts,
yet for example sake I was forced to answer, "Your sentence shall be a
warning to all the rest of your companions, not to tell lies for want of
wit." Upon this, he began to beat his snuff-box with a very saucy
air; and opening it again, "Faith, Isaac," said he, "thou art a very
unaccountable old fellow--Pr'ythee, who gave thee the power of life
and death? What hast thou to do with ladies and lovers? I suppose thou
wouldst have a man be in company with his mistress, and say nothing
to her. Dost thou call breaking a jest telling a lie? Ha! is that
thy wisdom, old stiffback, ha?" He was going on with this insipid
commonplace mirth, sometimes opening his box, sometimes shutting it,
then viewing the picture on the lid, and then the workmanship of the
hinge, when, in the midst of his eloquence, I ordered his box to be
taken from him; upon which he was immediately struck speechless, and
carried off stone dead.
The next who appeared was a hale old fellow of sixty. He was brought
in by his relations, who desired leave to bury him. Upon requiring a
distinct account of the prisoner, a credible witness deposed, "that he
always rose at ten of the clock, played with his cat till twelve, smoked
tobacco till one, was at dinner till two, then took another pipe, played
at backgammon till six, talked of one Madame Frances, an old mistress of
his, till eight, repeated the same account at the tavern till ten, then
returned home, took the other pipe, and then to bed." I asked him,
"what he had to say for himself?"--"As to what," said he, "they mention
concerning Madame Frances--"
I did not care for hearing a Canterbury tale, and, therefore, thought
myself seasonably interrupted by a young gentleman, who appeared in the
behalf of the old man, and prayed an arrest of judgment; "for that he,
the said young man, held certain lands by his the said old man's life."
Upon this, the solicitor of the Upholders took an occasion to demand
him also, and thereupon produced several evidences that witnessed to his
life and conversation. It appeared that each of them divided their
hours in matters of equal moment and importance to themselves and to the
public. They rose at the same hour: while the old man was playing with
his cat, the young one was looking out of his window; while the old man
was smoking his pipe, the young man was rubbing his teeth; while one
was at dinner, the other was dressing; while one was at backgammon, the
other was at dinner; while the old fellow was talking of Madame Frances,
the young one was either at play, or toasting women whom he never
conversed with. The only difference was, that the young man had never
been good for anything; the old man a man of worth before he know Madame
Frances. Upon the whole, I ordered them to be both interred together,
with inscriptions proper to their characters, signifying, that the old
man died in the year 1689, and was buried in the year 1709; and over the
young one it was said, that he departed this world in the twenty-fifth
year of his death.
The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse. Those of
them who had produced any stillborn work were immediately dismissed
to their burial, and were followed by others, who notwithstanding some
sprightly issue in their lifetime, had given proofs of their death,
by some posthumous children, that bore no resemblance to their elder
brethren. As for those who were the fathers of a mixed progeny, provided
always they could prove the last to be a live child, they escaped with
life, but not without loss of limbs; for, in this case, I was satisfied
with amputation of the parts which were mortified.
These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of the
Inns of Court, senior fellows of colleges, and defunct statesmen:
all whom I ordered to be decimated indifferently, allowing the rest
a reprieve for one year, with a promise of a free pardon in case of
resuscitation.
There were still great multitudes to be examined; but, finding it very
late, I adjourned the court, not without the secret pleasure that I had
done my duty, and furnished out a handsome execution.
*****
Haymarket, December 23.
Whereas the gentleman that behaved himself in a very disobedient and
obstinate manner at his late trial in Sheer Lane on the twentieth
instant, and was carried off dead upon taking away of his snuff-box,
remains still unburied; the company of Upholders, not knowing otherwise
how they should be paid, have taken his goods in execution to defray
the charge of his funeral. His said effects are to be exposed to sale
by auction, at their office in the Haymarket, on the fourth of January
next, and are as follow:--
A very rich tweezer-case, containing twelve instruments for the use
of each hour in the day.
Four pounds of scented snuff, with three gilt snuff-boxes; one of
them with an invisible hinge, and a looking-glass in the lid.
Two more of ivory, with the portraitures on their lids of two ladies
of the town; the originals to be seen every night in the side-boxes
of the playhouse.
A sword with a steel diamond hilt, never drawn but once at May-fair.
Six clean packs of cards, a quart of orange-flower-water, a pair of
French scissors, a toothpick-case, and an eyebrow brush.
A large glass-case, containing the linen and clothes of the
deceased; among which are, two embroidered suits, a pocket
perspective, a dozen pair of RED-HEELED SHOES, three pair of RED
SILK STOCKINGS, and an amber-headed cane.
The strong box of the deceased, wherein were found five billet-doux,
a Bath shilling, a crooked sixpence, a silk garter, a lock of hair,
and three broken fans.