From my own Apartment, November 17.
It has cost me very much care and thought to marshal and fix the people
under their proper denominations, and to range them according to their
respective characters. These my endeavours have been received with
unexpected success in one kind, but neglected in another; for though I
have many readers, I have but few converts. This must certainly proceed
from a false opinion, that what I write is designed rather to amuse and
entertain than convince and instruct. I entered upon my Essays with a
declaration that I should consider mankind in quite another manner than
they had hitherto been represented to the ordinary world, and asserted
that none but a useful life should be, with me, any life at all. But,
lest this doctrine should have made this small progress towards the
conviction of mankind, because it may appear to the unlearned light and
whimsical, I must take leave to unfold the wisdom and antiquity of my
first proposition in these my essays, to wit, that "every worthless man
is a dead man." This notion is as old as Pythagoras, in whose school
it was a point of discipline, that if among the Akoustikoi, * or
probationers, there were any who grew weary of studying to be useful,
and returned to an idle life, the rest were to regard them as dead, and
upon their departing, to perform their obsequies and raise them tombs,
with inscriptions, to warn others of the like mortality, and quicken
them to resolutions of refining their souls above that wretched state.
It is upon a like supposition that young ladies, at this very time, in
Roman Catholic countries, are received into some nunneries with
their coffins, and with the pomp of a formal funeral, to signify that
henceforth they are to be of no further use, and consequently dead. Nor
was Pythagoras himself the first author of this symbol, with whom, and
with the Hebrews, it was generally received. Much more might be
offered in illustration of this doctrine from sacred authority, which I
recommend to my reader's own reflection; who will easily recollect, from
places which I do not think fit to quote here, the forcible manner of
applying the words dead and living to men, as they are good or bad.
* Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text.
I have, therefore, composed the following scheme of existence for the
benefit both of the living and the dead; though chiefly for the latter,
whom I must desire to read it with all possible attention. In the number
of the dead I comprehend all persons, of what title or dignity soever,
who bestow most of their time in eating and drinking, to support that
imaginary existence of theirs which they call life; or in dressing and
adorning those shadows and apparitions, which are looked upon by the
vulgar as real men and women. In short, whoever resides in the world
without having any business in it, and passes away an age without ever
thinking on the errand for which he was sent hither, is to me a dead man
to all intents and purposes, and I desire that he may be so reputed. The
living are only those that are some way or other laudably employed in
the improvement of their own minds, or for the advantage of others;
and even among these, I shall only reckon into their lives that part of
their time which has been spent in the manner above mentioned. By these
means, I am afraid we shall find the longest lives not to consist of
many months, and the greatest part of the earth to be quite unpeopled.
According to this system we may observe that some men are born at twenty
years of age, some at thirty, some at threescore, and some not above an
hour before they die; nay, we may observe multitudes that die without
ever being born, as well as many dead persons that fill up the bulk
of mankind, and make a better figure in the eyes of the ignorant, than
those who are alive, and in their proper and full state of health.
However, since there may be many good subjects, that pay their taxes,
and live peaceably in their habitations, who are not yet born, or have
departed this life several years since, my design is to encourage both
to join themselves as soon as possible to the number of the living. For
as I invite the former to break forth into being and become good for
something, so I allow the latter a state of resuscitation, which I
chiefly mention for the sake of a person who has lately published an
advertisement, with several scurrilous terms in it, that do by no means
become a dead man to give. It is my departed friend, John Partridge,
who concludes the advertisement of his next year's almanack with the
following note:
"Whereas it has been industriously given out by Bickerstaff, Esquire,
and others, to prevent the sale of this year's almanack, that John
Partridge is dead: this may inform all his loving countrymen, that he is
still living in health, and they are knaves that reported it otherwise.
"J. P."
*****
From my own Apartment, November 25.
I have already taken great pains to inspire notions of honour and virtue
into the people of this kingdom, and used all gentle methods imaginable,
to bring those who are dead in idleness, folly, and pleasure, into life,
by applying themselves to learning, wisdom, and industry. But, since
fair means are ineffectual, I must proceed to extremities, and shall
give my good friends, the Company of Upholders, full power to bury all
such dead as they meet with, who are within my former descriptions of
deceased persons. In the meantime the following remonstrance of that
corporation I take to be very just.
"WORTHY SIR,
"Upon reading your Tatler of Saturday last, by which we received
the agreeable news of so many deaths, we immediately ordered in a
considerable quantity of blacks, and our servants have wrought night and
day ever since to furnish out the necessaries for these deceased. But so
it is, Sir, that of this vast number of dead bodies that go putrifying
up and down the streets, not one of them has come to us to be buried.
Though we should be loth to be any hindrance to our good friends the
physicians, yet we cannot but take notice what infection Her Majesty's
subjects are liable to from the horrible stench of so many corpses. Sir,
we will not detain you; our case in short is this: Here are we embarked
in this undertaking for the public good. Now, if people should be
suffered to go on unburied at this rate, there is an end of the
usefullest manufactures and handicrafts of the kingdom; for where will
be your sextons, coffin-makers, and plumbers? What will become of your
embalmers, epitaph-mongers, and chief-mourners? We are loth to drive
this matter any farther, though we tremble at the consequences of it;
for if it shall be left to every dead man's discretion not to be buried
till he sees his time, no man can say where that will end; but thus
much we will take upon us to affirm, that such a toleration will be
intolerable.
"What would make us easy in this matter is no more but that your Worship
would be pleased to issue out your orders to ditto Dead to repair
forthwith to our office, in order to their interment, where constant
attendance shall be given to treat with all persons according to their
quality, and the poor to be buried for nothing. And, for the convenience
of such persons as are willing enough to be dead, but that they are
afraid their friends and relations should know it, we have a back door
into Warwick Street, from whence they may be interred with all secrecy
imaginable, and without loss of time or hindrance of business. But in
case of obstinacy, for we would gladly make a thorough riddance, we
desire a farther power from your Worship, to take up such deceased as
shall not have complied with your first orders wherever we meet
them; and if, after that, there shall be complaints of any person so
offending, let them lie at our doors.
"We are your Worship's till death,
"The MASTER and COMPANY of UPHOLDERS.
"P.S. We are ready to give in our printed proposals at large, and
if your Worship approves of our undertaking, we desire the following
advertisement may be inserted in your next paper:
"Whereas a commission of interment has been awarded against Doctor John
Partridge, philomath, professor of physic and astrology, and whereas
the said Partridge hath not surrendered himself, nor shown cause to
the contrary: These are to certify that the Company of Upholders will
proceed to bury him from Cordwainer's Hall, on Tuesday the twenty-ninth
instant, where any six of his surviving friends, who still believe him
to be alive, are desired to come prepared to hold up the pall.
"Note. We shall light away at six in the evening, there being to be a
sermon.
"From our Office near the Haymarket, Nov. 23."