SCENE--_A Riding-school, on a raw chilly afternoon. The gas is
lighted, but does not lend much cheerfulness to the interior,
which is bare and bleak, and pervaded by a bluish haze.
Members of the Class discovered standing about on the tan,
waiting for their horses to be brought in. At the further end
is an alcove, with a small balcony, in which Mrs. BILBOW-KAY,
the Mother of one of the Equestrians, is seated with a young
female Friend._
_Mrs. Bilbow-Kay._ Oh, ROBERT used to ride very nicely indeed when
he was a boy; but he has been out of practice lately, and so, as the
Doctor ordered him horse-exercise, I thought it would be wiser for
him to take a few lessons. Such an excellent change for any one with
sedentary pursuits!
[Illustration]
_The Friend._ But isn't riding a sedentary pursuit, too?
_Mrs. B.-K._ ROBERT says _he_ doesn't find it so.
[_Enter the Riding Master._
_Riding Master_ (_saluting with cane_). Evenin', Gentlemen--your
'orses will be in directly; 'ope we shall see some _ridin'_ this time.
(_Clatter without; enter Stablemen with horses._) Let me see--Mr.
BILBOW-KAY, Sir, you'd better ride the _Shar_; he ain't been out all
day, so he'll want some 'andling. (_Mr. B.-K., with a sickly smile,
accepts a tall and lively horse._) No, Mr. TONGS, that ain't _your_
'orse to-day--you've got beyond _'im_, Sir. We'll put you up on _Lady
Loo_; she's a bit rough till you get on terms with her, but you'll
be all right on her after a bit. Yes, Mr. JOGGLES, Sir, you take
_Kangaroo_, please. Mr. BUMPAS, I've 'ad the _Artful Dodger_ out for
you; and mind he don't get rid of you so easy as he did Mr. GRIPPER
last time. Got a nice 'orse for _you_, Mr. 'ARRY SNIGGERS, Sir--_Frar
Diavolo_. You mustn't take no notice of his bucking a bit at
starting--he'll soon leave it off.
_Mr. Sniggers_ (_who conceals his qualms under a forced
facetiousness_). Soon leave _me_ off, you mean!
_R.M._ (_after distributing the remaining horses_). Now then--bring
your 'orses up into line, and stand by, ready to mount at the word of
command, reins taken up in the left 'and with the second and little
fingers, and a lock of the 'orse's mane twisted round the first.
Mount! That 'orse ain't a _bicycle_, Mr. SNIGGERS. [_Mr. S._ (_in an
undertone._) No--worse luck!] Number off! Walk! I shall give the word
to trot directly, so now's the time to improve your seats--that back
a bit straighter, Mr. 'OOPER. No. 4, just fall out, and we'll let them
stirrup-leathers down another 'ole or two for yer. (_No. 4, who has
just been congratulating himself that his stirrups were conveniently
high, has to see them let down to a distance where he can just touch
them by stretching._) Now you're all comfortable. ["Oh, _are_ we?"
_from Mr. S._] Trot! Mr. TONGS, Sir, 'old that 'orse in--he's gettin'
away with you already. Very bad, Mr. JOGGLES, Sir--keep those 'eels
down! Lost your stirrup, Mr. JELLY? Never mind that--_feel_ for it,
Sir. I want you to be independent of the irons. I'm going to make
you ride without 'em presently. (_Mr. JELLY shivers in his saddle._)
Captin' CROPPER, Sir; if that Volunteer ridgment as you're goin' to be
the Major of sees you like you are now, on a field-day--they'll 'ave
to fall out to _larf_, Sir! (_Mr. CROPPER devoutly wishes he had been
less ingenuous as to his motive for practising his riding._) Now, Mr.
SNIGGERS, make that 'orse learn 'oo's the master! [Mr. S. "He _knows_,
the brute!"]
_Mrs. B.-K._ He's very rude to all the Class, except dear ROBERT--but
then ROBERT has such a nice easy seat.
_The R.M._ Mr. BILBOW-KAY, Sir, try and set a bit closer. Why, you
ain't no more 'old on that saddle than a stamp with the gum licked
off! Can-ter! _You_'re all right, Mr. JOGGLES--it's on'y his play; set
down on your saddle, Sir!... I didn't say on the ground!
_Mrs. B.-K._ (_anxiously to her Son, as he passes_). BOB, are you
quite sure you're safe? (_To Friend._) His horse is snorting so
dreadfully!
_R.M._ 'Alt! Every Gentleman take his feet out of the stirrups,
and cross them on the saddle in front of him. Not your _feet_, Mr.
SNIGGERS, we ain't Turks 'ere!
_Mr. S._ (_sotto voce_). "There's _one_ bloomin' Turk 'ere, anyway!"
_R.M._ Now then,--Walk!... Trot! Set back, Gentlemen, set back
all--'old on by your knees, not the pommels. _I_ see you, Mr. JELLY,
kitchin' 'old o' the mane--I shall 'ave to give you a 'ogged 'orse
next time you come. Quicken up a bit--this is a ride, not a funeral.
Why, I could _roll_ faster than you're trotting! Lor, you're like a
row o' Guy Foxes on 'orseback, you are! Ah, I thought I'd see one
o' you orf! Goa-ron, all o' you, you don't come 'ere to _play_ at
ridin'--I'll make you ride afore I've done with you! 'Ullo, Mr.
JOGGLES, nearly gone that time, Sir! There, that'll do--or we'll 'ave
all your saddles to let unfurnished. Wa-alk! Mr. BILBOW-KAY, when your
'orse changes his pace sudden, it don't look well for you to be found
settin' 'arf way up his neck, and it gives him a bad opinion of yer,
Sir. Uncross sterrups! Trot on! It ain't no mortal use your clucking
to that mare, Mr. TONGS, Sir, because she don't understand the
langwidge--touch her with your 'eel in the ribs. Mr. SNIGGERS, that
'orse is doin' jest what he likes with you. 'It 'im, Sir; he's no
friends and few relations!
_Mr. S._ (_with spirit_). _I_ ain't going to 'it 'im. If you want him
'it, get up and do it yourself!
_R.M._ When I say "Circle Right"--odd numbers'll wheel round and fall
in be'ind even ones. Circle _Right_!... Well, if ever I--I didn't
tell yer to fall _off_ be'ind. Ketch your 'orses and stick to 'em next
time. Right In-_cline_! O' course, Mr. JOGGLES, if you prefer takin'
that animal for a little ride all by himself, we'll let you out in
the streets--otherwise p'raps you'll kindly follow yer leader. Captin
CROPPER, Sir, if you let that curb out a bit more, _Reindeer_ wouldn't
be 'arf so narsty with yer ... Ah, now you _'ave_ done it. You want
_your_ reins painted different colours and labelled, Sir, you do.
'Alt, the rest of you.... Now, seein' you're shook down in your
saddles a bit--["_Shook_ up's _more like it!" from Mr. S._]--we'll
'ave the 'urdles in and show you a bit o' Donnybrook! (_The Class
endeavours to assume an air of delighted anticipation at this pleasing
prospect._) (_To Assistant R.M., who has entered and said something
in an undertone._) Eh, Captin 'EDSTALL here, and wants to try the grey
cob over 'urdles? Ask him if he'll come in now--we're just going to do
some jumping.
_Assist. R.M._ This lot don't look much like going over 'urdles--'cept
in front o' the 'orse, but I'll tell the Captin.
[_The hurdles are brought in and propped up. Enter a
well-turned-out Stranger, on a grey cob._
_Mr. Sniggers_ (_to him._) You ain't lost nothing by coming late, I
can tell yer. We've bin having a gay old time in 'ere--made us ride
without sterrups, he did!
_Capt. Headstall._ Haw, really? Didn't pet grassed, did you?
_Mr. S._ Well, me and my 'orse separated by mutual consent. I ain't
what you call a fancy 'orseman. We've got to go at that 'urdle in a
minute. How do _you_ like the ideer, eh? It's no good funking it--it's
got to be _done_!
_R.M._ Now, Captin--not _you_, Captin CROPPER--Captin 'EDSTALL, _I_
mean, will you show them the way over, please?
[_Captain H. rides at it; the cob jumps too short, and knocks
the hurdle down--to his rider's intense disgust._
_Mr. S._ I say, Guv'nor, that was a near thing. I wonder you weren't
off.
_Capt. H._ I--ah--don't often come off.
_Mr. S._ You won't say that when you've been 'ere a few times. You
see, they've put you on a quiet animal this journey. _I_ shall try to
get him myself next time. He be'aves like a gentleman, _he_ does!
_Capt. H._ You won't mount him, if you take my advice--he has rather a
delicate mouth.
_Mr. S._ Oh, I don't mind that--I should ride him on the curb, o'
course. [_The Class ride at the hurdle, one by one._
_R.M._ Now, Mr. SNIGGERS, give 'im more of 'is 'ed than that, Sir--or
he'll take it.... Oh, Lor, well, it's soft falling luckily! Mr.
JOGGLES, Sir, keep him back till you're in a line with it.... Better,
Sir; you come down true on your saddle afterwards, anyway!... Mr.
PARABOLE!... Ah, _would_ you? _Told_ you he was tricky, Sir! Try him
at it again.... Now--over!... Yes, and it _is_ over, and no mistake!
_Mrs. B.-K._ Now it's ROBERT's turn. I'm afraid he's been overtiring
himself, he looks so pale. BOB, you won't let him jump too high,
_will_ you?-- Oh, I daren't look. Tell me, my love,--is he _safe_?
_Her Friend._ Perfectly--they're just brushing him down.