and being now somewhat stronger, he sat upright, and laying his right
hand lovingly on my head, he said with a smile, “Hast thou a grudge,
my child, against the headsman, that thou wilt give him the trouble of
taking off my head? for he and the jailer methinks had planned together
that the prison should have spared them their pains; but now thou hast
marred their counsel.” “Surely,” said I, “thou art not yet condemned by
the Emperor.” “Not by the Emperor himself,” replied Paulus, “for he, as
they told me, is on a journey to Greece; but by his freedman Helius,
from whose lips ‘Guilty’ is a word of no less weight than from the
Emperor’s. In fine, it is now the ninth day since sentence was given
that I should be beheaded; but the custom is, that the prisoner shall
not suffer death till the tenth day, which, as the jailer but now said
in thy hearing, is nigh at hand, or perchance already begun.”
Hereat my eyes filled with tears, for pity of myself rather than of the
Apostle, because I had come this long journey from Colossæ and would
gladly have come ten times that distance to have speech with him, and
to seek comfort and help and guidance from his lips, as from an oracle,
yea, rather as from the Lord himself; and now, behold, all my labor was
for naught, and he, my guide and deliverer, and father in Christ, was
to pass away from me at the season when my need of him was sorest. But
Paulus comforted me, saying that he was glad, since the Lord so willed
it, that he should die in the sight of men and not in yonder pit, and
that he accepted me as an angel from the Lord bringing a message that
he should bear public witness with his blood to the name of the Lord
Jesus. Then he bade me tell him such tidings as I had to tell of the
brethren at Colossæ and at Ephesus; and when I told him that both
there, and in all Asia, the Lord was day by day adding to the number
of the elect, he broke out into thanksgiving and praising of God,
declaring that now he was well pleased to be offered up, for the work
of his life was accomplished.
§ 3. HOW PAULUS RELATED TO ME THE STORY OF HIS LIFE.
After this he sat silent, but as it seemed to me praising God in his
heart, and there was a wondrous light upon his countenance; and so
he continued for some space musing and saying nothing. But I was in
a great strait between two wishes, being on the one hand fearful to
trouble or disturb him, and this too on the eve of his departure; and
yet having a fervent desire to receive from him some last precepts for
the guidance of the church. Presently however the Apostle broke silence
thus: “Onesimus, my child, the hour approacheth when I shall bid thee
farewell. If therefore thou wouldst ask aught of me, ask now; for the
time is short.” Then I betwixt the suddenness of the granting of my
desire, and the multitude of the questions in my mind, could not find
what to ask; but I exclaimed for sorrow, “Alas, my father, Petrus
being now slain and thou also on the point to leave us, we shall be
as sheep——” At this he interrupted my words, putting his hand upon my
mouth; “Nay, say not so, my child, that ye will be as sheep without a
shepherd; for there is one Shepherd that hath promised that he will
never leave thee nor forsake thee.” I was silent, being abashed because
of my want of faith; and he also sat for a while, musing and saying
nothing. But at last he said, “The story of my life, and how the Lord
guided me, yea, and constrained me against my will to follow him, this,
having never yet related unto thee, I will now relate, or as much of it
as the time may permit, that thou also mayst take courage, believing
that even so will the Lord be a shepherd unto thee, guiding thee safe
unto the end. Perchance also what thou shalt hear may enable thee the
better to understand the mystery of mysteries, namely, how the kingdom
of heaven is to be opened to all men, and how the Jews are for a time
cast away that the Gentiles may be brought in, and so all mankind may
be saved, even as the Lord ordained before the foundation of the world.”
After a pause he began as follows: “Thou hast often heard those
who wish not well to me, jest at my carriage and presence as being
contemptible; and they say right, for so it is, and so it hath been
with me from my childhood even to this day. For it pleased the Lord to
chasten me in tender years, making me weak of vision, and well nigh
blind. But it was turned to good for me. For because of the infirmity
of my eyes, not being able to see such things as others saw, nor to
take pleasure in the pride of the eye, and in the glory of this world,
and because also, whenever I went abroad, I was despised and mocked at,
for this cause I began very early to bend my mind to take pleasure in
knowledge and learning, and to think on the beauties of things unseen,
and on the strength of things that are esteemed weak; and I said often
to myself ‘Truth is stronger than all things visible and shall prevail
over all.’ When I grew older, this mind remained in me. The love of
women moved me not, nor gold, nor any desire of pleasure; but I had a
fervent zeal for the truth and for the Lord whose name is Truth, that
his name should be hallowed on earth, and that the people of the Lord
(for so I then deemed my nation, even Israel after the flesh) should
reign over the inhabited world.
“The troubles and humiliations of Israel discouraged me not; yea,
rather they confirmed me; for methought the Scriptures shewed clearly
that ever, in times past, greatness sprang out of small beginnings, and
triumph out of humbleness. I perceived also that the Lord wrought all
his deliverances by means and ways unexpected and strange to men; not
by force of arms, nor by wisdom or cunning, nor by wealth, but for the
most part by faith contending against all these things, even as David
was caused to prevail by faith against Goliath, and by faith Abraham
was made to be the father of the Lord’s people. Therefore it disquieted
me not that Rome should be great and should rule for a season over the
Lord’s inheritance; for even thus Egypt and Assyria and Babylon and
Persia and Syria had ruled over us, each in turn; yet all these great
empires had passed away, but the people of the Lord and the Law of
the Lord still remained, and, said I, if we still have faith, we shall
still remain and shall in the end be saved. Likewise I perceived that
in every great deliverance there cometh first a transitory shadow of
the deliverer, which is not the truth itself, but is of this present
world; and afterwards there cometh the true deliverer, which is of God;
and the will of this world is ever set against the will of God. For
after this manner the world would have had Ishmael to be heir, but the
Lord appointed Isaac; and again, the world would have had Esau, but the
Lord, Jacob; and the world chose Eliab, but the Lord, David; and even
so, said I to myself, the world would have had in times past Egypt,
Nineveh or Babylon, and, in these present times, Rome; but the will of
the Lord standeth fast, that he will have none other but Jerusalem to
be his chosen City. With these thoughts did I comfort myself during my
youth, saying, ‘Though we be now under the yoke, we shall not always be
thus.’ Howbeit I perceived not that I should have gone yet further in
my reasonings and I should have said, ‘Israel after the flesh cometh
first, but there is an Israel according to the spirit that shall come
after; and the world chooseth Jerusalem as it now is, but the Lord
chooseth a new Jerusalem, even a city in heaven.’ But this was not yet
revealed unto me.
“As I grew up, when I looked around me to discern what it should be
that should deliver Israel, I could perceive nothing except the Law.
Men, as it seemed to me, might pass away, yea, prophets could not be
always with us; but the Law remained, and would remain, a safe guide
for ever. Therefore I gave all my mind and my labor and leisure both
by night and by day to the study of the Law and the Traditions; wherein
if aught seemed to me unfit for the times, or imperfect, I would stifle
all such whisperings and murmurings of my soul with such words as
these, ‘Doubtless the Law is perfect; for if it be imperfect and in
error, we must needs be without a guide; and without a guide the people
goeth astray, and Israel is lost, and the promises of the Lord are made
of none effect; but this cannot be.’ Therefore it seemed to be the mark
of a wise man and one that loved Israel to see no blemish in the Law,
yea, to see perfection, though my understanding discerned imperfection.
So by degrees the Law took such a hold upon me that it seemed all one
with truth itself, and instead of saying, ‘Truth is great and shall
prevail,’ I began to say, ‘The Law is great and shall prevail.’ Then my
parents, perceiving that I was wholly given to the study of the Law,
determined to send me from Tarsus to Jerusalem, there to be brought
up at the feet of Gamaliel, one of the most learned of the Scribes.
And there in Jerusalem I remained many years, perfecting myself in the
knowledge of the Law, and endeavoring thereby to gain righteousness.
“As I grew more learned in the Law, so did I grow in contempt for them
that were unlearned. I perceived that there were many, both men and
women, that had not leisure nor opportunity for the observance of the
more minute Traditions of the Law; and some of these were troubled in
their souls, full of doubts and questionings, desiring forgiveness
and deliverance from sin, but not attaining to it; others were even
cast out of the synagogue for light offences; and this unlearned and
ignorant multitude was despised by the teachers of the people, as if
they were brute beasts to be restrained by bit and bridle; and I also
despised them likewise. Yet sometimes when I saw a rich man that had
leisure, highly honored in the synagogue, and a poor man shut out for
neglect of some lighter matter of the Traditions, which perchance he
had no leisure to observe, my heart would say, ‘Surely these ways are
not God’s ways. Surely to trust thus in the Law is not faith.’ But
then I would still quench all these questionings, as before in Tarsus,
saying, ‘If these ways be uneven, which is the even way? And if we are
not to obey and trust the Law, what shall we obey, and in what shall we
put our trust?’ By such answers as these I hardened my heart; and as an
ox struggles against the goad of his master, even so did I resist the
Lord, who would have goaded me into the path of truth.
“When I came to have to do with the followers of the Lord Jesus, or
Nazarenes as I then termed them, I hardened my heart still more, and
esteemed them accursed because of the cross. For I said ‘Whosoever is
crucified is under a curse. Wherefore this Jesus, whom the Nazarenes
call Messiah, is accursed, and his followers also. Moreover if this
sect prevail, the Teachers of the people will be despised, and the
unlearned will have the upper hand, and the Law (which is the Truth)
will be trampled under foot; wherefore the Truth itself as it were
proclaimeth that these Nazarenes are liars and deceivers.’ So I
hardened myself like a flint against them. Yet by degrees as I learned
more and more of the life and manners of the saints, their zeal in well
doing, their long-suffering and patience, their purity and justice,
and above all, the steadfastness of their faith in God through the
Lord Jesus Christ, then, even in the midst of my course of persecuting
them, I could not forbear sometimes from reproaching myself in such
words as these: ‘This man whom thou art dragging away to prison hath
attained to a righteousness beyond thy compass; this woman, whom thou
threatenest with death, hath a faith in God surpassing thine.’ With
such self-chidings did the Lord still goad me toward the right road;
but I still kicked against the goads and hardened my heart against him.”
§ 4. HOW PAULUS CONSENTED TO THE DEATH OF THE BLESSED MARTYR STEPHANUS.
Here the Apostle ceased for a space, as if he were unwilling to make
mention of somewhat that came next to speak of; but anon, as though
all thought of bitterness was swallowed up in the remembrance of
the marvellous mercies of the Lord, he continued with a kindling
countenance and speaking more quickly than before. Now, although I
treasured up each word that fell from his lips, yet because of his
manner of speech being as much Hebrew as Greek, and very brief, abrupt,
and vehement at all times, and now more than ever, I was not able to
set down his words exactly, though indeed I wrote them on my tablets a
few hours afterwards. Wherefore it must be understood that the exact
words, both before and in that which follows, are not his. But the
substance I will set down with all faithfulness, and it was to this
effect:
“The more closely I joined myself to the Pharisees against the
Nazarenes, and the more I saw of the cunning, and baseness, and
hardness of heart of those inferior instruments by whose aid our
chief priests and elders were wont to execute their designs, the more
was I troubled with doubts. Sometimes when I lay down to rest at
night, after a day spent in persecutions in the company of these base
companions, the words of the Prophet Isaiah would rise up against me
in the darkness, ‘Wash you, make you clean; cease to do evil, learn to
do good; your hands are full of blood;’ and once, when I was sitting
down to meat, methought I saw blood upon my hands. All the more did
I frequent the temple and offer up many sacrifices and purify myself
with daily purifications that I might wash away all sinfulness if
perchance there were any stain of guilt upon me. But still I was not at
ease, neither had my soul rest. By degrees, the Temple itself, and the
sacrifices in the Temple, instead of taking away my burden, began to
add thereto. For of the multitude who came together thither, very few
appeared to come worthily; some being strangers come from afar to see
strange sights; others desiring to expiate evil deeds or to pay vows,
but not with any sincere love of righteousness; and many more because
it was the custom, and not because they loved the worship of the Lord;
not a few also with purpose to make gain, trafficking in beasts for
victims or serving as money-changers. All this I noted daily, and it
troubled me more and more, because I perceived that many were hardened
in ill-doing by their worship and by their sacrifices, and their feet
stood in the Temple of the Most High, but their hearts drew nigh
unto Satan; and again the words of the Prophet rose up to my mind,
‘Sacrifice is an abomination to me; bring no more vain oblations.’
“But when I said to one of the elders that it were well if the
money-changers and sellers of victims could be put away from the holy
place, and if the stir and tumult of the Courts of the Temple could be
diminished, he said that I was of too tender a conscience, and that
it would not be possible to obtain such a temple as I desired, clean,
and pure, and spotless in all points, unless I wished to join myself
to the Nazarenes who dreamed of some magic temple not made with hands,
wherein some invisible sacrifice of the imagination was to be offered
up, and not the blood of bulls and goats. These words (although I knew
it not at that time) sank deep into my heart. For though I abhorred
all thought of imitating the Nazarenes in any matter, yet could I not
refrain from pondering in mind the thought of some new Temple, not
made with hands, nor liable to be polluted nor destroyed by the hand
of an enemy, but imperishable, incorruptible, undefiled. Being in this
perplexity, I thirsted for some new revelation from the Lord, and
besought him that he would send some prophet or deliverer who should
make all things clear. But then the word of the Lord brought back to me
that which had been revealed to me even in my childhood, namely, how
each deliverer of Israel was wont at first to be despised and rejected;
and fear fell upon me lest, even if the Messiah himself should come
before our generation had passed away, the Pharisees should not
acknowledge nor receive him. But, all this while, it never so much as
entered into my heart that the Messiah was already sent, and already
despised, and already rejected by the rulers of the people; but I had
my eyes fixed on some deliverance yet to come.
“None the less, yea, rather the more, did I persecute the Church of
Christ, giving my voice ever in favor of violent courses and advising
that the common sort among them should be less regarded, but the
leaders sought out with all diligence and slain. So it came to pass
that by my advice the servants of the chief priests laid hands on the
blessed Stephanus (concerning whom I have often spoken unto thee in
times past) and set him before the Council, and accusation of blasphemy
was brought against him; and I sat with the Council when he made his
defence. The words of his speech were as a two-edged sword cleaving my
heart asunder and strengthening all my former doubts against me. For he
declared unto us how, even as Israel had rejected other deliverers, so
had they rejected Jesus the Messiah, and that this was fore-ordained
by God; as also that the Temple of the Lord was not to stand for ever,
but that there was to be a new Temple not made with hands. So he showed
how Joseph and Moses had saved the people, albeit they had been at
first rejected; and how Israel had made a calf and turned to idolatry;
and how Moses, being permitted to make the earthly tabernacle for the
hardness of their hearts, had, none the less, made it after the pattern
of a better tabernacle not made with hands; and how the Temple itself
had not been made by David, but only by Solomon (who in his old age
went after other gods); and with that he cried aloud that no earthly
Temple was fit for the Most High, using the words of the prophet,
‘Heaven is my throne, and earth is my footstool; what house will ye
build me, saith the Lord?’
“Hereat the men of my faction, and especially those from Cilicia
and Asia, cried out that Stephanus blasphemed, and they rent their
garments and would have stopped his mouth with their uproar; but he
rebuked us, saying that as we had persecuted the prophets, so had we
murdered the Holy One. Hereat the uproar waxed still louder; but I
sitting speechless all this time, and not able to take my eyes off his
countenance, perceived that, of a sudden, as if one had plucked him by
the sleeve, he turned round and ceased from rebuking the multitude,
and stood still, looking upward very intently as if he saw somewhat.
Then a great splendor shone upon his face, and he stretched out his
hand towards heaven saying, ‘Behold I see the heavens opened and the
Son of Man standing on the right hand of God!’ At this I could not
forbear turning round also, and gazing upward to the heaven above me,
if perchance I also should see somewhat there. But I saw naught (for
my eyes were not yet opened) and anon arose another general shout that
the prisoner was worthy of death, and all cast dust in the air and rent
their garments again. So the whole multitude arose, and I with them,
not knowing whither I went, nor do I remember what further happened,
till I saw Stephanus on the ground, covered with blood, in a loud voice
beseeching the Lord that this sin might not be laid to the charge of us
his murderers; and, behold, the clothes of them that stoned him were
lying at my feet, in token that I was the chief doer of this deed.”
§ 5. HOW THE LORD APPEARED TO PAULUS.
“On the night after the blessed Stephanus died, I had no rest, nor
for many nights after. Dreams and visions visited me in my sleep.
Sacrifices and ablutions I made without ceasing, but they brought me no
peace; neither did my prayers find answer from the Lord. They that were
rich praised me, and I was held in honor by the rulers of the people,
but I said in my own heart, ‘Doth not the Lord, the God of Israel, cast
down the wisdom and power and riches of this world and raise up the
lowly and meek?’ By night methought I saw the face of Stephanus covered
with blood and praying for me; and the hand of the Lord was heavy on my
soul filling me with fears and thoughts of evil. Yet still, like the
stubborn ox, kicking against the goads of the Lord, I resolved that I
would not think on idle dreams, as I called them, but that I would give
myself with a single heart to the persecution of the Nazarenes. So I
gladly obeyed the High Priest who besought me at this time to go to
Damascus, bearing letters to the chief men of that place, that I might
have power to imprison such of the Nazarenes as I could find there.
“We journeyed slowly; for the burden of the Lord was grievous upon me,
and my eyes (which were infirm by nature) were now, more than ever,
dimmed and dazzled, so that I could scarcely endure the light of day.
Likewise by night evil dreams departed not from me. Now also, methought
(which had not been so before), I began to hear a strange voice (yet as
it were in my heart and not in my ears) as if some one reasoned with
me, accusing me that I had slain Stephanus without cause; insomuch
that sometimes I could endure no longer to listen in silence, but
made answer to the voice aloud; but presently, it was as if no voice
had spoken, and one of my companions overhearing me, reproached me in
jest, because, said he, I discoursed aloud with myself, preferring my
own speech to theirs. Therefore that I might not hear these voices, I
ceased not speaking with my companions, reasoning with them (though
none reasoned against me) and proving to them from the Scriptures again
and again (though none denied it) that the Law must not be set aside
and that the Temple must abide for ever, and that this Jesus was a
deceiver of the people. But ever and anon there would come into my ears
(yea, even in the midst of my speaking) such words as these: ‘What if
the Law were indeed fore-ordained to prepare the way for Faith? What
if there should be indeed a new Temple, prepared of God, not made with
hands?’ Then would I weary my companions with the superfluity of my
reasonings and disputings, waxing fiercer and louder than before in
defence of the Law and against the Nazarenes. They that went with me,
falling in with my humor, ceased not to revile the deceivers of the
people as they termed them; and one among them speaking of Stephanus
(of whom all this time I had made no mention) said that he had been a
hypocrite and a deceiver even in his death, gazing up to heaven as if
to persuade us that he saw a vision, and framing his face to assume a
divine appearance of gentleness and peace, and all to delude the people.
“Hereat my heart was stirred within me and I was moved to say that
I did not feel assured that Stephanus (however deceived) was acting
deceitfully at that moment when he was on the point of death; but as I
feared lest this might cause my companions to suspect that I favored
the Nazarenes, I restrained myself and assented (against my conscience)
to the man that had spoken thus. So I answered, ‘Thou sayest well;
this Stephanus was a deceiver.’ Then, because I felt that I had lied,
straightway there swelled up within me a violent desire to cry aloud
‘Stephanus was no deceiver;’ but still I rejected it as a voice from
Satan, and strove to turn the discourse to other matters. But in vain;
for now, even as if they were desirous of set purpose to thwart me, my
companions would speak of naught else but Stephanus, and how he bore
himself, and what he said, and of the manner of his death, and his
vision.