the chamber because I desired to avoid speech with this stranger, who
knew Colossæ and my master Philemon; and now of my own motion I had
so wrought that I must needs have speech with him. So I sat down, and
asked the prisoner his name. “My name was once Saul,” he answered,
“but I am now called Paulus and I was born in Tarsus.” Hereat I stood
up to go at once, but my limbs refused to obey me and I went not, but
stood where I was, gaping and staring like one mad; for I seemed to see
before me, next to Christus, the bitterest foe of my life; because this
Paulus had caused Philemon to be my enemy and by his superstitions had
slain my beloved Eucharis. Yet on the other hand it was borne in upon
me that here was one that had seen Christus risen from the dead, and I
remembered as if it were but fresh in mine ears, his invocation over
me in the days of my childhood, “The Lord be unto thee as a Father;”
and I felt that however I might endeavor, it was not possible for me
to hate this man, nor easy to resist the spirit that was in him, for
I was in his presence as one under a spell. So, though my fears bade
me depart, the hand of the Lord constrained me to remain. While I thus
stood stammering, uttering something perchance but meaning nothing,
Paulus interrupted me, taking me by the hand and saying, “I perceive
that there is to be more discourse between us; wherefore I will only
say this, that this night my prayers shall ascend to the Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ in thy behalf. For the Lord hath need of thee, and
verily thou shalt be saved and redeemed from all thy sins. To-morrow,
as thou hast heard, I stand before the Emperor; but if (as I doubt not)
I receive deliverance from the mouth of the lion, I am to discourse
at sun-down concerning the mercies of the Lord Jesus in the house
of Tryphæna and Tryphosa, hard by the Capenian gate. Prithee, my
benefactor, bestow on me yet another benefit, and promise that thou
wilt be there.” “No” was in my heart, but “yes” came from my lips
before I knew that I had framed an answer, and I left the chamber as
one in a trance.
§ 6. HOW I WAS LED INTO THE NET OF THE GOSPEL.
As soon as I was come forth from the presence of Paulus I resolved
one thing for certain, that, go whither I might to-morrow, I would
by no means go to the house of Tryphæna; for, in spite of all my
former disbelief in witchcraft, I began to believe that verily some
kind of fascination was being used against me to make me a Christian
against my will. For a long time I dared not lie down to rest, but sat
reasoning with myself and endeavoring to call to mind the arguments
of Artemidorus against the Christians; yet ever and anon the face of
Paulus would appear before mine eyes, and I seemed to hear him saying
that the gods are immortal men, and it came into my mind that, if
indeed there were but such a god as my beloved Eucharis or Chrestus,
only immortal instead of mortal, how willingly would I trust in him,
how gladly face all peril and endure all hardship for his sake! And
then I bethought myself of the saying of Paulus about his leader
Christus whom he mentioned as still living and bearing witness to him,
and how he seemed to see Christus behind me; and with that I leaped up
crying for help and screaming like one distraught; and so timorous was
I that I lit a second lamp and sat down again resolving not to sleep
that night at all. But presently sleep, whether I would or not, fell
upon my eyelids, and a confused mixture of many visions passed before
me, Paulus and Pythagoras and Heraclitus, all beckoning to me, and
speaking about an “immortal man” and a “mortal god;” and then such a
chaos of words and sights that I grew dizzy, till at last I saw a small
white cloud which grew larger and opened itself and inclosed all the
former chaos, and on it was written “Chrestus;” but as I approached,
it was not “Chrestus” but “Christus,” and then “Chrestus” again, till
the cloud burst with a loud sound as of thunder and disclosed my
brother, bright and smiling as in old days, and on his breast he bore
the token I LOVE THEE and he stretched out his arms to me. But when I
ran to embrace him, behold, on his hands and feet the marks of grievous
wounds, and the expression of his countenance was the same and yet
not the same; so that I stood and drew back, and, though he beckoned
to me, I fled. But he pursued after me and I still fled from him, and
all around there were voices and faces of good and evil, the good
helping my pursuer, the bad helping me; but, as he gained fast upon me,
the priest of Cybele smote the ground, and, behold, a great yawning
chasm, wherein was a multitude of skeletons with open arms waiting for
me, and I leaped into the chasm, and the arms of the skeletons were
clasping me round; when suddenly I awoke and found myself upon the
ground, shrieking and struggling and my limbs all shivering and bathed
in sweat; and by this time the night was well nigh past, and the first
light of dawn was to be seen in the east.
So great was my terror that my first resolve was to depart at once from
Rome. But then I bethought myself that, whithersoever I might travel,
I could not avoid bad dreams; and, if I desired to avoid Paulus, no
place was so convenient for me as the most populous of all cities. So
I concluded to remain where I was, but to spend that day in Tusculum;
whither I accordingly set out a little before noon. But I had not gone
a few paces from the door of my lodging, before the slaves of a certain
rich Octavius, one of my patrons, came suddenly behind me and, catching
fast both my arms, bade me return with them, saying their master
entertained company that day unexpectedly, and much desired my presence
to make them merry. When I would have excused myself, they replied
that they were under constraint to take no refusal; for Octavius had
threatened them with a whipping if by fair means or foul they brought
me not. Moreover, as they were to dine very early, I must come with
them at once, though it was but the seventh hour, and thus they would
be sure of me.
So I went with them under a kind of friendly violence and entertained
the company after my power. But what I said and did I know not, save
only that at the beginning of the entertainment I overheard one of the
guests say to his neighbor that Tychicus (by which name I was known in
those days) was that day in admirable fooling; and his neighbor replied
that truly Tychicus would be the most wittily obscene buffoon in the
whole of the city, but for a certain unevenness in his jesting, as if
he were possessed with two spirits, a lewd spirit and a surly spirit,
“for,” said he, “after keeping all the table in a roar of mirth for
two or three hours, if you watch the fellow for a minute or so when he
thinks none are looking at him, he falls into a moroseness, or else
a kind of vacancy, as if he were a soothsayer and saw visions.” When
I heard this, I drank even more recklessly than my wont, saying to
myself that I would drive out that spirit of vision-seeing and give
myself wholly to the evil spirit. And noting that it was now near
sun-down, so that I was free from the snares of the enchanter Paulus,
I grew more and more furious in my revelry, exceeding all bounds in
grossness and blasphemy so that the guests applauded amain and covered
my head with crowns of roses.
When I was at last dismissed, the guests now retiring to prepare for a
second banquet, it was full two hours after sunset. Now the House of
Octavius was on the Cœlian hill (where now stands the Colisseum) so
that I was in no way constrained to go near the Capenian gate in order
to return to my lodging. But the Lord constrained me and it was as if
my feet took me thither against my will. Again and again did I repeat
to myself, “Fool, why goest thou into the snare with thine eyes open?”
But I replied, “What harm in merely going through the street, since
it is certain that I shall not enter the house?” Yet, as I drew near
to the street, I perceived the folly of going whither I desired not
to go, and I drew back and turned aside going towards the Prætorium,
when of a sudden a fear fell upon me, and I felt a hand laid on my
shoulder from behind, and I trembled from head to foot hearing the
voice of Paulus: “My son, thou art not in the right way.” Fain would
I have made some excuse, or have fled at once without excuse; but
neither could my tongue avail for words, nor my feet for flight. So I
went on with Paulus even as a captive, and he took me by the hand and
led me unresisting into a house where was a large congregation of the
Christians already assembled and expecting his presence; through the
midst of whom I walked, crowned as I was with roses, and dripping with
unguents and staggering in my gait, so that all gazed at me with wonder
and some perchance in anger. However they all made way reverently for
Paulus, and for me with Paulus, he still holding me by the hand. Then
Paulus ascended a bema or platform and began to speak to the people.
At first I sat still, as one hearing and yet not hearing, content to
listen but not knowing why I listened; like a brute beast not capable
of understanding. By degrees my senses returned, and his words seemed
to come nearer and nearer to me till they penetrated my very soul; but
I cannot recollect them so as to set them down, except a few of the
last sentences, and these not exactly.
When I came to myself, he was speaking of the mercies of the Lord,
describing how he himself had persecuted the faith yet had obtained
mercy. Who therefore, said he, could not be pardoned, since he had been
counted worthy of pardon? Who was so vile and sinful that must needs
say ‘I am not worthy to draw nigh unto the Lord’ since he, Paulus, the
sinner and persecutor, had been embraced by the arms of his mercy?
“Therefore, say not within yourselves ‘What new sacrifice shall I
bring?’ For the Lord Jesus Himself is your sacrifice; neither say in
your hearts ‘With what new purification shall I draw nigh unto him?’
for the blood of the Lord Jesus is your purification; neither say ‘What
new deeds must I do?’ or ‘What new life must I lead?’ for the Lord
himself hath prepared thy deeds that thou shalt do; and as for thy
life, it is no longer thine own; for behold thou art dead; and the
life that thou shalt hereafter live, is the life that Christ shall live
in thee. Come therefore unto thy Lord and trust in him.
“Stumble not, O ye Jews, at the cross, neither say within yourselves,
‘The Crucified cannot be the Christ; he that died the death of a slave
cannot be our King.’ Nay, but I say unto you, because of the cross, and
not in spite of the cross, the Lord Jesus is the Christ; and because he
made himself to be the servant of all, therefore is he now exalted to
be King over all. Also, ye Gentiles, stumble not at the sepulchre of
Christ, saying, ‘It is not possible that one that is dead should rise
again;’ for verily these eyes have seen him, and your own consciences
bear witness for me that I speak not as one deceiving you, but that
I verily saw the Lord Jesus. And as many of you as believe, have, as
a testimony, the presence of his Spirit in your hearts; and as many
as shall believe shall have that same Spirit dwelling among you, as
earnest of the glory that is to come, bringing with it love towards God
and good-will towards all men. Come therefore unto the Lord Jesus, and
behold, the grave hath no power to make a gulf between you and him.
Say not ‘He is in the heaven far above us,’ nor ‘He is in Hades far
beneath us;’ for I declare unto you that neither heaven, nor earth, nor
that which is beneath the earth, can part you from him; fear not the
gods nor the Gentiles, nor the reproach of men; fear not the thrones
nor powers of this world; if Christ be for us who shall be against us?
Fear ye not therefore the fears of this world; for behold, for them
that are called of Christ, all things work together for good; for I am
persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities,
nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any
other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God which
is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Now at first as I came to myself, and heard the voice of the Apostle
discoursing of Jesus and of the life in Him, and of the joy and
peace of it, being made conscious of my inward darkness and of the
unattainable Light, I felt the burden of my miseries too great for
me to bear. A shape of evil seemed to sit pressing down my soul,
stifling her groanings and exulting over her unavailing struggles;
bidding me stop my ears against the voice lest it should disquiet my
heart in vain, because having taken side with evil and having wilfully
blasphemed, I was now his lawful slave, and regrets were unavailing;
and because I would not obey him, methought he was encompassing me all
around with thick walls of an impenetrable dungeon, wherein I lay as
in a sepulchre beneath the earth, fast bound, not able either to see
or to hear. But suddenly, as if a great way off, I seemed to perceive
a sound, though very faint, that “if Christ were for us none would
be against us,” and with that, a shaking of the walls of my dungeon;
and after that, came the other words of the Apostle each after each,
battering at my prison, so that wall after wall fell with a great
crashing noise; and last of all there came that thunderous proclamation
roaring around mine ears, that neither things present nor things to
come, nor height nor depth nor any other creature should separate us
from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord; and hereat my
whole dungeon straightway parted, like a curtain rent asunder, and
brightness burst in upon me as a flood, and the Lord Jesus revealed
Himself unto me as the Light and Life of men.
THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK.
THE SIXTH BOOK.
§ 1. OF THE TEACHING OF PAULUS.
Who shall describe the marvels of the change when from the sea of
sin a human soul is caught up into the life above, and lifted into
the blessed brotherhood of the saints of God? No fears, no doubts,
no remorse; but only a certain purifying fire of repentance within
me, stimulating me to a life of virtue and to the helping of others,
even as I had myself been helped. In addition to the delight of
continual communion with my beloved teacher Paulus, my spirit was also
refreshed by all the brethren of the church. For in them I found such
a joy of fellowship as I had never before known, not like a common
collegium where men meet merely to eat and drink and to be merry
and to pay for the funeral of some deceased companion, and to give
help to those of the collegium who may chance to be in need; but the
Christian collegium, if I may so call it, was far above all these,
being bound together with a tie not to be loosened by death and so
strong and passionate as I had never experienced nor even conceived, a
veritable enthusiasm and insatiate desire for well-doing. Marvellously
great therefore was the change for one who had been but yesterday
friendless, an outcast, despised of all men, now to find himself
encompassed round with friends or rather brothers and bathed as it
were in a flood of friendship. But the greatest help of all was the
Lord Jesus himself, present in my heart by day and night, a constant
fountain of inexpressible peace. Now also I heard once more and learned
these words of the Lord which had first drawn my soul towards him at
Antioch; and other words I learned beside these, full of grace and
healing. Many a time in Colossæ, and sometimes even in Pergamus and
Corinth during the days of my darkness, I had caught myself unwittingly
repeating to myself that most precious exhortation of the Lord Jesus to
the weary and heavy laden, that they should come unto him and he would
give them rest; but then I had repeated these words as an unbeliever
or as a doubter, striving to harden myself in unbelief; now I repeated
them with understanding, knowing them by experience to be true, and
acknowledging that in him alone was rest. Notwithstanding the Spirit of
the Lord, and the manifestations of the Spirit, came not unto me from
the learning of the sayings of Jesus, but from the preaching of Paulus,
who first revealed to me the power of the Lord unto salvation.
At this time I told Paulus the whole story of my life, and although I
supposed that matters of love were scarcely fit for his hearing (as
Epictetus had spoken of them slightingly, as beneath the attention of
a philosopher) yet I concealed not either my former love for Eucharis
or the bitterness of my sorrow for her death. He was moved by it more
than I had thought possible, nor did he rebuke me as I had expected.
Hereon I described to him the doctrine of Epictetus, who forbade me to
sorrow for her or for anything, or any person, because it was necessary
to preserve serenity of mind. But Paulus shook his head, and said
that it was not right that we should in this way seek to escape from
the troubles of life by separating ourselves from others; but that
we ought to rejoice with them that rejoice and sorrow with them that
sorrow, and that we should fulfil the law of Christ by bearing one
another’s burdens. Yet he bade me think of Eucharis as of one not dead
but sleeping, and not in the hand of Death but in the hand of the Lord,
“for” said he, “whether we live, or die, we are the Lord’s.”
Again, when I spoke to him of my former doubts concerning the ruling of
the world, whether it were for good or for ill, he said that men had
been placed in the world as if in twilight, to seek and grope after
God; but that now the day had dawned in the manifestation of the Lord
Jesus and in his rising again from the dead; “for,” said he, “this, and
nothing else, is the salvation of the world, resolving all doubts and
showing forth the triumph of good over evil and of life over death.”
And in all his doctrine he made mention of the Resurrection of the Lord
Jesus as being the foundation of the whole Gospel and the seal of its
truth.
As to the objections of Artemidorus (for I hid none of them nor aught
else, because of the perfect trust I had in Paulus) namely, that
the Lord Jesus had not been sent into the world till after so many
centuries, and then to a most despised nation—the Apostle lightened
these doubts by teaching me more fully concerning Israel; how the
seed of Abraham, though lightly esteemed of men, had been chosen of
God to proclaim his will; and how all things from the beginning, both
the questionings of the Gentiles, and the Law, and the Prophets of
Israel, had prepared the way for the coming of the Lord. But whereas
Artemidorus had said that there was no sin, and Epictetus also had
taught me that sin and crime were no more than “erroneous opinion,”
Paulus now taught me quite otherwise, that an Evil Nature was in
the world from the first, contending against the Good, and that the
Evil is the cause of all our sins and miseries; howbeit, he bade me
believe that out of our very sins the Love of God worketh a higher
righteousness, making evil itself to be a kind of step of ascent to
a greater good; which belief I do still, and ever shall, hold fast.
Touching any signs and wonders wrought by the Lord (whereon certain of
the brethren were wont to set great store) he said but little, although
he himself wrought no small signs in the healing of diseases; for that
which drew him to the Lord was not signs nor wonders but a love of him,
and a trust in him, as being the spiritual power of God manifested to
the saving of the souls of men. In the same way I also believed, and
do still believe, in the Lord Jesus, worshipping him not as the worker
of wonder and portents, but as the Eternal Love of God, governing the
world from the first, and in these last days made flesh for us, that in
him we might know God, and love God, and be at one with God.
§ 2. HOW I RETURNED TO PHILEMON AT COLOSSÆ.
Even before I had been baptized (which took place on the seventh day
after I had first heard the preaching of Paulus) I had resolved that I
must at once return to Philemon. However, by the advice of Paulus, I
went not straightway to Colossæ, but abode some days with him at his
lodging, that I might be strengthened in the faith of Christ; and each
day drew me closer to my new teacher. Those who knew him not might
perchance have accused him of inconstancy; for his manner of speech
and the features of his countenance changed every moment; and he was
skilful as an actor to suit himself (in all honorable fashion) to them
with whom from time to time he had to do, whether Jews or Greeks, bond
or free, soldiers or courtiers, or whatever else. But the cause of
his thus conforming himself to others in things indifferent was not
inconstancy nor dissimulation, but a sincere love for all men and a
power of feeling as others felt, so that his own nature disposed him
without constraint to carry out that precept which was always on his
lips, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and sorrow with them that
sorrow.” And beneath all this appearance of inconstancy there was a
firm and solid resolution, the depth of which could not be known but by
those who knew the depths of the love of the Lord Jesus. From Paulus
(who knew Philemon well) I heard that my former enemy Pistus had fled
from Colossæ some months ago, being convicted of theft, and after his
departure his devices against me had been discovered and my innocence
proved; hearing which I was the more willing to return. Nor did the
Apostle longer delay me, saying that he doubted not but that Philemon
would do what was right; but to make assurance surer he would write a
letter to him whereof I should be the bearer.
I had not been an hour in Colossæ before Philemon signified his desire
to emancipate me without conditions, at the same time lamenting that he
had been led by the practice of Pistus to suspect me without cause; and
for the brief remnant of his life, he (no less than Apphia) bestowed
on me a truly parental affection; which I for my part endeavored to
requite with something of the care and attention due from a son. Soon
afterwards I was appointed to the ministry, and I labored in the
church at Colossæ to supply the old man’s place, inasmuch as he became
daily more infirm and less able to preside over the congregation. Many
difficulties in the work began at this time to perplex me, because
there appeared in our little congregations divisions of opinion. Some
of the brethren were plain simple folk (slaves most of them) delighting
in wonders; and these, besides believing other portents, supposed that,
after their death, they would reign on earth with Christ for many years
wearing the same flesh and blood which now they wore. Others (but of
these only a few) coming to the knowledge of Christ from the study of
philosophy, denied that there was any further resurrection, after the
human soul had once been raised up from the death of sin to life in
Christ. Again, others maintained Christ to be not very God, but only
the greatest of a great train of angels created by God; and some of
these affirmed that Christ was not a man at all (save in appearance
only) but that he merely went through the form of appearing to be born
and to suffer and to die. Many also attacked the Law of Moses and
the ancient Scriptures of the Jews; and these (not understanding the
doctrine of the Apostle concerning the progress of all things, and how
the Law was but as a slave to bring us to Christ) taking it for granted
that I must needs maintain the Law to be perfect, and the doings of the
Patriarchs to be perfect, yea, and the letter of the Law to be perfect,
endeavored to bring the Scriptures into derision, by asking whether the
true God had nails and hair and teeth and the like, as well as hand and
voice and nostrils; because, said they, the Scriptures declared that he
had the latter; and if the latter, why not the former?
Against all these opinions it seemed needful to contend, not so much
inveighing against that which was false, as rather pleading for that
which was true. Many times did I now desire that my teacher, the
blessed Apostle, had been present to direct and guide me. But then
there came into my mind the saying of Epictetus that “it is only a
bad performer who is afraid to sing alone,” and how One greater than
Epictetus had promised that he “would be ever with us.” Yet I began to
lament (as did others also) that we had no writings of the words and
deeds of the Lord which might have served as a lamp and guide to our
feet. However, in spite of these contrarieties, it was still a great
refreshment to note the work of the Spirit among all such as believed
in the Lord Jesus, yea, even among some that erred in opinions. For
not only did all alike abstain from magic arts, and festivals, and
sacrifices to demons, and the like, but a wonderful change came also
upon their whole lives: the thief no longer stole; the lewd became
chaste; the cruel merciful; the timorous and servile no longer feared
aught save sin. To crucify slaves had become a thing hateful and
abominable; to expose children was to sin against God; wealth and
pleasure were despised; and, in a word, such temperance, constancy and
benevolence as are recommended by philosophers in their lectures to a
small circle of pupils, these very virtues were practised by the whole
multitude of the saints; and this, not out of ostentation, nor “to
preserve one’s own serenity of mind” (as Epictetus would have had me
think) but simply out of an insatiate desire to serve the Lord Jesus by
loving and serving men. Nor could I fail to perceive how fruitful and
blessed was the service of the Lord; for that very peace and freedom
of mind which Epictetus had held up to me as the chief object of life,
and which I had found impossible to obtain by aiming at it, behold, now
that I no longer aimed at it, but only desired to serve the Lord, this
same peace of mind came as it were unasked into my bosom, peace deep,
and calm, and past all power of tongue to utter or mind to understand.
§ 3. OF MY DISCOURSE WITH ARTEMIDORUS CONCERNING THE FAITH.