We are asked by a correspondent as to when a gentleman should wear
his hat and when take it off. A gentleman wears his hat in the
street, on a steamboat deck, raising it to a lady acquaintance; also
in a promenade concert-room and picture-gallery. He never wears it
in a theatre or opera-house, and seldom in the parlors of a hotel.
The etiquette of raising the hat on the staircases and in the halls
of a hotel as gentlemen pass ladies is much commended. In Europe
each man raises his hat as he passes a bier, or if a hearse carrying
a dead body passes him. In this country men simply raise their hats
as a funeral _cortge_ passes into a church, or at the grave. If a
gentleman, particularly an elderly one, takes off his hat and stands
uncovered in a draughty place, as the _foyer_ of an opera-house,
while talking to ladies, it is proper for one of them to say, "Pray
resume your hat "--a delicate attention deeply prized by a
respectful man, who, perhaps, would not otherwise cover his head.
Again, our young lady friends ask us many questions on the subject
of _propriety_, showing how anxious they are to do right, but also
proving how far they are from apprehending what in Old-World customs
has been always considered propriety. In our new country the
relations of men and women are necessarily simple. The whole
business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one's sense of
propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances
demand. As, for instance, a lady writes to know if she should thank
a gentleman for paying for her on an excursion. Now this involves a
long answer. In Europe no young lady could accept an invitation to
go as the guest of a young gentleman on "an excursion," and allow
him to pay for her, without losing much reputation. She would not in
either England or France be received in society again. She should be
invited by the gentleman through her father or mother, and one or
both should accompany an her. Even then it is not customary for
gentlemen to invite ladies to go on an excursion. He could invite
the lady's mother to chaperon a theatre party which he had paid for.
Another young lady asks if she could with propriety buy the tickets
and take a young gentleman to the theatre. Of course she could, if
her mother or chaperon would go with her; but even then the mother
or chaperon should write the note of invitation.
But in our free country it is, we hear, particularly in the West,
allowable for a young lady and gentleman to go off on, "an
excursion" together, the gentleman paying all the expenses. If that
is allowed, then, of course--to answer our correspondent's question
she should thank him. But if we were to answer the young lady's
later question, "Would this be considered etiquette?" we should say,
decidedly, No.
Another question which we are perpetually asked is this: How to
allow a gentleman a proper degree of friendly intimacy without
allowing him to think himself too much of a favorite. Here we cannot
bring in either etiquette or custom to decide. One very general law
would be not to accept too many attentions, to show a certain
reserve in dancing with him or driving with him. It is always proper
for a gentleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog-cart
with his servant behind, if her parents approve; but if it is done
very often, of course it looks conspicuous, and the lady runs the
risk of being considered engaged. And she knows, of course, whether
her looks and words give him reason to think that he is a favorite.
She must decide all that herself.
Another writes to ask us if she should take a gentleman's hat and
coat when he calls. Never. Let him take care of those. Christianity
and chivalry, modern and ancient custom, make a man the servant of
women. The old form of salutation used by Sir Walter Raleigh and
other courtiers was always, "Your servant, madam," and it is the
prettiest and most admirable way for a man to address a woman in any
language.
Another asks if she should introduce a gentleman who calls to her
mother. This, we should say, would answer itself did not the
question re-appear. Of course she should; and her mother should
always sit with her when she is receiving a call from a gentleman.
But if in our lesser fashionable circles the restrictions of
etiquette are relaxed, let a young lady always remember these
general principles, that men will like and respect her far better if
she is extremely particular about allowing them to pay for her, if
she refuses two invitations out of three, if she is dignified and
reserved rather than if she is the reverse.
At Newport it is now the fashion for young ladies to drive young men
out in their pony-phaetons with a groom behind, or even without a
groom; but a gentleman never takes out a lady in his own carriage
without a servant.
Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime unattended, but if
they ride on horseback a groom is always in attendance on the lady.
In rural neighborhoods where there are no grooms, and where a young
lady and gentleman go off for a drive unattended, they have thrown
Old-World etiquette out of the window, and must make a new etiquette
of their own. Propriety, mutual respect, and American chivalry have
done for women what all the surveillance of Spanish duennas and of
French etiquette has done for the young girl of Europe. If a woman
is a worker, an artist, a student, or an author, she can walk the
Quartier Latin of Paris unharmed.
But she has in work an armor of proof. This is not etiquette when
she comes into the world of fashion. She must observe etiquette, as
she would do the laws of Prussia or of England, if she stands on
foreign shores.
Perhaps we can illustrate this. Given a pretty young girl who shall
arrive on the steamer _Germania_ after being several years at school
in Paris, another who comes in by rail from Kansas, another from
some quiet, remote part of Georgia, and leave them all at the New
York Hotel for a winter. Let us imagine them all introduced at a New
York ball to three gentlemen, who shall call on them the next day.
If the girl educated in Paris, sitting by her mamma, hears the
others talk to the young men she will be shocked. The girls who have
been brought up far from the centres of etiquette seem to her to
have no modesty, no propriety. They accept invitations from the
young men to go to the theatre alone, to take drives, and perhaps,
as we have said, to "go on an excursion."
To the French girl this seems to be a violation of propriety; but
later on she accepts an invitation to go out on a coach, with
perhaps ten or twelve others, and with a very young chaperon. The
party does not return until twelve at night, and as they walk
through the corridors to a late supper the young Western girl meets
them, and sees that the young men are already the worse for wine:
she is apt to say, "What a rowdy crowd!" and to think that, after
all, etiquette permits its own sins, in which she is right.
In a general statement it may be as well to say that a severe
etiquette would prevent a young lady from receiving gifts from a
young man, except _bonbonnieres_ and bouquets. It is not considered
proper for him to offer her clothing of any sort--as gowns, bonnets,
shawls, or shoes--even if he is engaged to her. She may use her
discretion about accepting a camel's-hair shawl from a man old
enough to be her father, but she should never receive jewellery from
any one but a relative or her _fianc_ just before marriage. The
reason for this is obvious. It has been abused--the privilege which
all men desire, that of decking women with finery.
A young lady should not write letters to young men, or send them
presents, or take the initiative in any way. A friendly
correspondence is very proper if the mother approves, but even this
has its dangers. Let a young lady always remember that she is to the
young man an angel to reverence until she lessens the distance
between them and extinguishes respect.
Young women often write to us as to whether it is proper for them to
write letters of condolence or congratulation to ladies older than
themselves. We should say, Yes. The respect of young girls is always
felt gratefully by older ladies. The manners of the present are
vastly to be objected to on account of a lack of respect. The rather
bitter Mr. Carlyle wrote satirically of the manners of young ladies.
He even had his fling at their laugh: "Few are able to laugh what
can be called laughing, but only sniff and titter from the throat
outward, or at best produce some whiffling husky cachinnations as if
they were laughing through wool. Of none such comes good." A young
lady must not speak too loud or be too boisterous; she must even
tone down her wit, lest she be misunderstood. But she need not be
dull, or grumpy, or ill-tempered, or careless of her manners,
particularly to her mother's old friends. She must not talk slang,
or be in any way masculine; if she is, she loses the battle. A young
lady is sometimes called upon to be a hostess if her mother is dead.
Here her liberty becomes greater, but she should always have an aunt
or some elderly friend by her side to play chaperon.
A young lady may do any manual labor without losing caste. She may
be a good cook, a fine laundress, a carver of wood, a painter, a
sculptor, an embroideress, a writer, a physician, and she will be
eligible, if her manners are good, to the best society anywhere. But
if she outrage the laws of good-breeding in the place where she is,
she cannot expect to take her place in society. Should she be seen
at Newport driving two gentlemen in her pony-phaeton, or should she
and another young woman take a gentleman between them and drive down
Bellevue Avenue, she would be tabooed. It would not be a wicked act,
but it would not look well; it would not be _convenable_. If she
dresses "loudly," with peculiar hats and a suspicious complexion,
she must take the consequences. She must be careful (if she is
unknown) not to attempt to copy the follies of well-known
fashionable women. What will be forgiven to Mrs. Well Known Uptown
will never be forgiven to Miss Kansas. Society in this respect is
very unjust--the world is always unjust--but that is a part of the
truth of etiquette which is to be remembered; it is founded on the
accidental conditions of society, having for its background,
however, the eternal principles of kindness, politeness, and the
greatest good of society.
A young lady who is very prominent in society should not make
herself too common; she should not appear in too many charades,
private theatricals, tableaux, etc. She should think of the "violet
by the mossy stone." She must, also, at a watering-place remember
that every act of hers is being criticised by a set of lookers-on
who are not all friendly, and she must, ere she allow herself to be
too much of a belle, remember to silence envious tongues.