OPTIONAL CIVILITIES.
There are many optional civilities in life which add very much to
its charm if observed, but which cannot be called indispensable.
To those which are harmless and graceful we shall give a cursory
glance, and to those which are doubtful and perhaps harmful we
shall also briefly allude, leaving it to the common-sense of the
reader as to whether he will hereafter observe in his own manners
these so-called optional civilities.
In France, when a gentleman takes off his hat in a windy street or
in an exposed passage-way, and holds it in his hand while talking
to a lady, she always says, "_Couvrez vous_" (I beg of you not to
stand uncovered). A kind-hearted woman says this to a boatman, a
coachman, a man of low degree, who always takes off his hat when a
lady speaks to him. Now in our country, unfortunately, the cabmen
have such bad manners that a lady seldom has the opportunity of
this optional civility, for, unlike a similar class in Europe,
those who serve you for your money in America often throw in a
good deal of incivility with the service, and no book of etiquette
is more needed than one which should teach shop-girls and shop-men
the beauty and advantages of a respectful manner. If men who drive
carriages and street cabs would learn the most advantageous way of
making money, they would learn to touch their hats to a lady when
she speaks to them or gives an order. It is always done in the Old
World, and this respectful air adds infinitely to the pleasures of
foreign travel.
In all foreign hotels the landlords enforce such respect on the
part of the waiters to the guests of the hotel that if two
complaints are made of incivility, the man or woman complained of
is immediately dismissed. In a livery-stable, if the hired
coachman is complained of for an uncivil answer, or even a silence
which is construed as incivility, he is immediately discharged. On
the lake of Como, if a lady steps down to a wharf to hire a boat,
every boatman takes off his cap until she has finished speaking,
and remains uncovered until she asks him to put on his hat.
Now optional civilities, such as saying to one's inferior, "Do not
stand without your hat," to one's equal, "Do not rise, I beg of
you," "Do not come out in the rain to put me in my carriage,"
naturally occur to the kind-hearted, but they may be cultivated.
It used to be enumerated among the uses of foreign travel that a
man went away a bear and came home a gentleman. It is not natural
to the Anglo-Saxon race to be overpolite. They have no _petits
soins_. A husband in France moves out an easy-chair for his wife,
and sets a footstool for every lady. He hands her the morning
paper, he brings a shawl if there is danger of a draught, he
kisses her hand when he comes in, and he tries to make himself
agreeable to her in the matter of these little optional
civilities. It has the most charming effect upon all domestic
life, and we find a curious allusion to the politeness observed by
French sons towards their mothers and fathers in one of Moliere's
comedies, where a prodigal son observes to his father, who comes
to denounce him, "Pray, sir, take a chair," says Prodigal; "you
could scold me so much more at your ease if you were seated."
If this was a piece of optional civility which had in it a bit of
sarcasm, we can readily see that civility lends great strength to
satire, and take a hint from it in our treatment of rude people. A
lady once entering a crowded shop, where the women behind the
counter were singularly inattentive and rude even for America,
remarked to one young woman who was lounging on the counter, and
who did not show any particular desire to serve her,
"My dear, you make me a convert to the Saturday-afternoon
early-closing rule, and to the plan for providing seats for
saleswomen, for I see that fatigue has impaired your usefulness to
your employer."
The lounger started to her feet with flashing eyes. "I am as
strong as you are," said she, very indignantly.
"Then save yourself a report at the desk by showing me some lace,"
said the lady, in a soft voice, with a smile.
She was served after this with alacrity. In America we are all
workers; we have no privileged class; we are earning money in
various servitudes, called variously law, medicine, divinity,
literature, art, mercantile business, or as clerks, servants,
seamstresses, and nurses, and we owe it to our work to do it not
only honestly but pleasantly. It is absolutely necessary to
success in the last-mentioned profession that a woman have a
pleasant manner, and it is a part of the instruction of the
training-school of nurses, that of civility. It is not every one
who has a fascinating manner. What a great gift of fortune it is!
But it is in every one's power to try and cultivate a civil
manner.
In the matter of "keeping a hotel"--a slang expression which has
become a proverb--how well the women in Europe understand their
business, and how poorly the women in America understand theirs!
In England and all over the Continent the newly arrived stranger
is received by a woman neatly dressed, with pleasant, respectful
manners, who is overflowing with optional civilities. She conducts
the lady to her room, asks if she will have the blinds drawn or
open, if she will have hot water or cold, if she would like a cup
of tea, etc.; sends a neat chambermaid to her to take her orders,
gets her pen and paper for her notes--in fact, treats her as a
lady should treat a guest. Even in very rural districts the
landlady comes out to her own door to meet the stranger, holds her
neat hand to assist her to alight, and performs for her all the
service she can while she is under her roof.
In America a lady may alight in what is called a tavern, weary,
travel-stained, and with a headache. She is shown into a
waiting-room where sits, perhaps, an overdressed female in a
rocking-chair violently fanning herself. She learns that this is
the landlady. She asks if she can have a room, some hot water,
etc. The answer may be, "I don't know; I don't have to work;
perhaps Jim will tell you." And it is to the man of the house that
the traveller must apply. It is a favorable sign that American men
are never ashamed to labor, although they may not overflow with
civility. It is a very unfavorable sign for the women of America
when they are afraid or ashamed of work, and when they hesitate to
do that which is nearest them with civility and interest.
Another test of self-respect, and one which is sometimes lacking
in those whom the world calls fashionable, those who have the
possessions which the majority of us desire, fine houses, fine
clothes, wealth, good position, etc., is the lack or the presence
of "fine courtesy," which shall treat every one so that he or she
is entirely at ease.
"Society is the intercourse of persons on a footing of apparent
equality," and if so, any one in it who treats other people so as
to make them uncomfortable is manifestly unfit for society. Now an
optional courtesy should be the unfailing custom of such a woman,
we will say, one who has the power of giving pain by a slight, who
can wound _amour propre_ in the shy, can make a _dbutante_
stammer and blush, can annoy a shy youth by a sneer. How many a
girl has had her society life ruined by the cruelty of a society
leader! how many a young man has had his blood frozen by a
contemptuous smile at his awkwardness! How much of the native
good-will of an impulsive person has been frozen into a caustic
and sardonic temper by the lack of a little optional civility? The
servant who comes for a place, and seats herself while the lady
who speaks to her is standing, is wanting in optional civility.
She sins from ignorance, and should be kindly told of her offence,
and taught better manners. The rich woman who treats a guest
impolitely, the landlady who sits in her rocking-chair while the
traveller waits for those comforts which her house of call
invites, all are guilty of the same offence. It hurts the landlady
and the servant more nearly than it does the rich woman, because
it renders their self-imposed task of getting a living the more
difficult, but it is equally reprehensible in all three.
Good manners are said to be the result of a kind heart and careful
home training; bad manners, the result of a coarse nature and
unwise training. We are prone to believe that bad manners in
Americans are almost purely from want of thought. There is no more
generous, kindly, or better people in the world than the standard
American, but he is often an untrained creature. The thousands of
emigrants who land on our shores, with privileges which they never
thought to have thrust upon them, how can they immediately learn
good manners? In the Old World tradition of power is still so
fresh that they have to learn respect for their employers there.
Here there are no such traditions.
The first duty, then, it would seem, both for those to whom
fortune has been kind and for those who are still courting her
favors, would be to study optional civility; not only the
decencies of life, but a little more. Not only be virtuous, but
have the shadows of virtue. Be polite, be engaging; give a cordial
bow, a gracious smile; make sunshine in a shady place. Begin at
home with your optional civility. Not only avoid those serious
breaches of manners which should cause a man to kick another man
down-stairs, but go further than good manners--have _better_
manners. Let men raise their hats to women, give up seats in cars,
kiss the hand of an elderly lady if she confers the honor of her
acquaintance upon them, protect the weak, assist the fallen, and
cultivate civility; in every class of life this would oil the
wheels; and especially let American women seek to mend their
manners.
Optional civility does not in any way include familiarity. We
doubt whether it is not the best of all armor against it.
Familiarity is "bad style." It is not civility which causes one
lady to say to another, "Your bonnet is very unbecoming; let me
beg of you to go to another milliner." That is familiarity, which
however much it may be supposed to be excess of friendship, is
generally either caused by spite or by a deficiency of respect The
latter is never pardonable. It is in doubtful taste to warn people
of their faults, to comment upon their lack of taste, to carry
them disagreeable tidings, under the name of friendship. On the
Continent, where diffidence is unknown, where a man, whoever he
may be, has a right to speak to his fellow-man (if he does it
civilly), where a woman finds other women much more polite to her
than women are to each other in this country, there is no
familiarity. It is almost an insult to touch the person; for
instance, no one places his hand on the arm or shoulder of another
person unless there is the closest intimacy; but everywhere there
is an optional civility freely given between poor and poor, rich
and poor, rich and rich, superiors and inferiors, between equals.
It would be pleasant to follow this out in detail, the results are
so agreeable and so honorable.