Kieff has been retaken by the Bolshevists. It looks as if the Poles
will have to win the place three times in succession before it becomes
their own property.
* * *
Annoyed by a small boy who was sucking sweets and laughing a parson
recently stopped in the middle of his sermon and refused to go on
with it. We are informed that the boy in question has since received
several tempting offers from other parishes.
* * *
A motorist, summoned the other week, admitted to having knocked three
people down one day and two people the next. If only this progress can
be steadily maintained!
* * *
Traffic in Finsbury Park was considerably delayed the other day by
a crowd which collected in the main street in order to watch two
bricklayers who had deliberately removed their coats.
* * *
A weekly paper states that the winding up of the Ministry of Munitions
will not be completed until next year. After all it is just as well
not to rush things.
* * *
"Only the small boy knows the joys of ice cream," says an evening
paper. Inside information, we presume.
* * *
A New York writer thinks that a man with a large family of girls is
fortunate. On the contrary, in these days, just as he gets the last
one married off, the first gets a divorce and comes back home.
* * *
"The secret of health," said Professor DARSONVAL of the French Academy
of Science, "is to walk on the toes." This is better than the plan
adopted by Tube travellers of walking on other people's.
* * *
At the Business Exhibition there was shown a waistcoat-pocket
calculator guaranteed to juggle with figures up to five thousand
pounds. This should be just the thing for persons ordering dinner at a
London restaurant.
* * *
"In 1924," says a contemporary, "Mars will be only thirty-five million
miles from the earth." It has not yet been decided what can be done
about it, but we understand that Lord NORTHCLIFFE has the matter in
hand.
* * *
Scotland Yard is warning people against a man who perpetrates fraud by
means of the telephone. It is to be hoped he will soon be captured so
that the secret of how he gets through can be wrested from him.
* * *
"An expedition in search for gold," says a contemporary, "will leave
Glasgow next week." In view of their object no surprise is felt that
they have decided to leave Scotland.
* * *
Mr. ROBERT HYDE, a chemist of Pittsburg, claims to have obtained sugar
from sawdust. This is not so very remarkable. Several people in this
country have succeeded in obtaining sugar from a grocer.
* * *
"On July 1st," says an official notice, "all banks in the United
Kingdom will be closed." To avoid disappointment, holders-up are
requested to enter the date in their engagement books.
* * *
Whilst assisting with the repairs to his church a clergyman in the
Midlands has had the misfortune to injure his thumb with a hammer. It
still remains a mystery what the clergy say on such occasions.
* * *
Although this year the majority of lady-shoppers are practising in
private for the summer sales there are still a few who have again
adopted the Underground Railway as their training quarters.
* * *
The principle of the League of Nations has now been accepted by all
the Great Powers with the exception of America and Mr. BOTTOMLEY.
* * *
A bargee summoned in Warwickshire for saying what he thought of the
Government was acquitted, but was told that if he repeated the offence
the fine would be five pounds. We understand that he is saving up for
it.
* * *
"We must thank Germany for the present high cost of living," says an
evening paper. Personally, at the risk of appearing ungrateful, we
shall do nothing of the sort.
* * *
During a recent debate on crime a well-known doctor stated that,
although his house was often left empty, no attempt had ever been
made upon it. We hear, however, that he has since been visited by the
secretary of the Burglars' Union and has agreed to await his turn.
* * *
In reply to several correspondents we have now much pleasure in
announcing that it is not necessary to wear kilts whilst taking the
oath in the Scottish fashion.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TIME: _Monday Morning._
_Golfer._ "NO, I NEVAH GO TO THE CLUB ON SATURDAYS OR SUNDAYS. I FIND
A MUCH BETTER LOT THERE ON MONDAYS."
_The Other_ (_bound Citywards_). "REALLY. WELL, YOU MIGHT KEEP A
SPECIAL LOOK-OUT FOR A COUPLE OF NEW 'PURPLE DIMPLES' I LOST AT THE
FOURTEENTH YESTERDAY."]
* * * * *
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