The Light Enjoyed.
"Doubt is slow to clear and sorrow is hard to bear,
And each sufferer has his say, his scheme of the weal and the
woe;
But God has a few of us whom he whispers in the ear;
The rest may reason and welcome, 'tis we musicians _know_."--R.
Browning
Bewildering were the trains of thought which the conversation just
narrated awakened in the mind of Carlos. On the one hand, a gleam of
light was shed upon his father's career, suggesting a possible
interpretation of the inscription on the window, that thrilled his heart
with joy. On the other, the termination of that career was involved in
even deeper obscurity than before; and he was made to feel, more keenly
than ever, how childish and unreal were the dreams which he and his
brother had been wont to cherish upon the subject.
Moreover, Dolores, just before she left him, had drawn a bow at a
venture, and most unintentionally sent a sharp arrow through a joint in
his harness. Why could he find no answer to a question so simple and
natural as the one she had asked him? Why did the Book, which had
solved so many mysteries for him, shed not a ray of light upon this one?
Whence this ominous silence of the apostles and evangelists upon so many
things that the Church most loudly proclaimed? Where, in his Book, was
purgatory to be found at all? Where was the adoration of the Virgin and
the saints? Where were works of supererogation? But here he started in
horror, as one who suddenly saw himself on the brink of a precipice. Or
rather, as one dwelling secure and contented within a little circle of
light and warmth, to whom such questions came as intimations of a chaos
surrounding it on every side, into which a chance step might at any
moment plunge him.
Most earnestly he entreated that the Lord of his life, the Guide of his
spirit, would not let him go forth to wander there. He prayed, expressly
and repeatedly, that the doubts which began to trouble him might be laid
and silenced. His prayer was answered, as all true prayer is sure to
be, but it was not granted. He whose love is strong and deep enough to
work out its good purpose in us even against the pleadings of our own
hearts, saw that his child must needs pass through "a land of darkness"
to reach the clearer light beyond. Conflicts fierce and terrible must be
his portion, if indeed he were to take his place amongst those "called
and chosen and faithful" ones who, having stood beside the Lamb in his
contest with Antichrist, shall stand beside him on the sea of glass
mingled with fire.
Already Carlos was in training for that contest--though as yet he knew
not that there was any contest before him, save the general "striving
against sin" in which all Christians have to take part. For the joy of
the Lord is the Christian's strength in the day of battle. And he
usually prepares those faithful soldiers whom he means to set in the
forefront of the hottest battle, by previously bestowing that joy upon
them in very full measure. He who is willing to "sell all that he
hath," must first have found a treasure, and what "the joy thereof" is
none else may declare.
In this joy Carlos lived now; and it was as yet too fresh and new to be
greatly disturbed by haunting doubts or perplexing questions. These,
for the present, came and passed like a breath upon a surface of molten
gold, scarcely dimming its lustre for a moment.
It had become his great wish to receive Orders as soon as possible, that
he might consecrate himself more entirely to the service of his Lord,
and spread abroad the knowledge of his love more widely. With this
view, he determined on returning to Seville early in October.
He left Nuera with regret, especially on account of Dolores, who had
taken a new place in his consideration, and even in his affections,
since he had begun to read to her from his Book. And, though usually
very calm and impassive in manner, she could scarcely refrain from tears
at the parting. She entreated him, with almost passionate earnestness,
to be very prudent and careful of himself in the great city.
Carlos, who saw no special danger likely to menace him, save such as
might arise from his own heart, felt tempted to smile at her foreboding
tone, and asked her what she feared for him.
"Oh, Senor Don Carlos," she pleaded, with clasped hands, "for the love
of God, take care; and do not be reading and telling your good words to
every one you meet. For the world is an ill place, your worship, where
good is ofttimes evil-spoken of."
"Never fear for me," returned Carlos, with his frank, pleasant smile.
"I have found nothing in my Book but the most Catholic verities, which
will be useful to all and hurtful to none. But of course I shall be
prudent, and take due care of my words, lest by any extraordinary chance
they might be misinterpreted. So that you may keep your mind at peace,
dear Mother Dolores."
b.. The Light Divided from the Darkness: