THE LANDLORD--RATHER TOO OLD--WITHOUT A SHILLING--REPUTATION--A FORTNIGHT
AGO--LIQUIDS--IRRATIONAL BEINGS--PARLIAMENT COVE--MY BREWER
Amongst other excursions, I went several times to the public-house to
which I introduced the reader in a former chapter. I had experienced
such beneficial effects from the ale I had drunk on that occasion, that I
wished to put its virtue to a frequent test; nor did the ale on
subsequent trials belie the good opinion which I had at first formed of
it. After each visit which I made to the public-house, I found my frame
stronger and my mind more cheerful than they had previously been. The
landlord appeared at all times glad to see me, and insisted that I should
sit within the bar, where, leaving his other guests to be attended to by
a niece of his, who officiated as his housekeeper, he would sit beside me
and talk of matters concerning 'the ring,' indulging himself with a cigar
and a glass of sherry, which he told me was his favourite wine, whilst I
drank my ale. 'I loves the conversation of all you coves of the ring,'
said he once, 'which is natural, seeing as how I have fought in a ring
myself. Ah, there is nothing like the ring; I wish I was not rather too
old to go again into it. I often think I should like to have another
rally--one more rally, and then--but there's a time for all things--youth
will be served, every dog has his day, and mine has been a fine one--let
me be content. After beating Tom of Hopton, there was not much more to
be done in the way of reputation; I have long sat in my bar the wonder
and glory of this here neighbourhood. I'm content, as far as reputation
goes; I only wish money would come in a little faster; however, the next
main of cocks will bring me in something handsome--comes off next
Wednesday, at ---; have ventured ten five-pound notes--shouldn't say
ventured either--run no risk at all, because why? I knows my birds.'
About ten days after this harangue I called again, at about three o'clock
one afternoon. The landlord was seated on a bench by a table in the
common room, which was entirely empty; he was neither smoking nor
drinking, but sat with his arms folded, and his head hanging down over
his breast. At the sound of my step he looked up; 'Ah,' said he, 'I am
glad you are come, I was just thinking about you.' 'Thank you,' said I;
'it was very kind of you, especially at a time like this, when your mind
must be full of your good fortune. Allow me to congratulate you on the
sums of money you won by the main of cocks at ---. I hope you brought it
all safe home.' 'Safe home!' said the landlord; 'I brought myself safe
home, and that was all; came home without a shilling, regularly done,
cleaned out.' 'I am sorry for that,' said I; 'but after you had won the
money, you ought to have been satisfied, and not risked it again--how did
you lose it? I hope not by the pea and thimble.' 'Pea and thimble,'
said the landlord--'not I; those confounded cocks left me nothing to lose
by the pea and thimble.' 'Dear me,' said I; 'I thought that you knew
your birds.' 'Well, so I did,' said the landlord; 'I knew the birds to
be good birds, and so they proved, and would have won if better birds had
not been brought against them, of which I knew nothing, and so do you see
I am done, regularly done.' 'Well,' said I, 'don't be cast down; there
is one thing of which the cocks by their misfortune cannot deprive
you--your reputation; make the most of that, give up cock-fighting, and
be content with the custom of your house, of which you will always have
plenty, as long as you are the wonder and glory of the neighbourhood.'
The landlord struck the table before him violently with his fist.
'Confound my reputation!' said he. 'No reputation that I have will be
satisfaction to my brewer for the seventy pounds I owe him. Reputation
won't pass for the current coin of this here realm; and let me tell you,
that if it ain't backed by some of it, it ain't a bit better than rotten
cabbage, as I have found. Only three weeks since I was, as I told you,
the wonder and glory of the neighbourhood; and people used to come to
look at me, and worship me; but as soon as it began to be whispered about
that I owed money to the brewer, they presently left off all that kind of
thing; and now, during the last three days, since the tale of my
misfortune with the cocks has got wind, almost everybody has left off
coming to the house, and the few who does, merely comes to insult and
flout me. It was only last night that fellow, Hunter, called me an old
fool in my own kitchen here. He wouldn't have called me a fool a
fortnight ago; 'twas I called him fool then, and last night he called me
old fool; what do you think of that?--the man that beat Tom of Hopton, to
be called, not only a fool, but an old fool; and I hadn't heart, with one
blow of this here fist into his face, to send his head ringing against
the wall; for when a man's pocket is low, do you see, his heart ain't
much higher; but it is of no use talking, something must be done. I was
thinking of you just as you came in, for you are just the person that can
help me.'
'If you mean,' said I, 'to ask me to lend you the money which you want,
it will be to no purpose, as I have very little of my own, just enough
for my own occasions; it is true, if you desired it, I would be your
intercessor with the person to whom you owe the money, though I should
hardly imagine that anything I could say--' 'You are right there,' said
the landlord; 'much the brewer would care for anything you could say on
my behalf--your going would be the very way to do me up entirely. A
pretty opinion he would have of the state of my affairs if I were to send
him such a 'cessor as you; and as for your lending me money, don't think
I was ever fool enough to suppose either that you had any, or if you had
that you would be fool enough to lend me any. No, no, the coves of the
ring knows better; I have been in the ring myself, and knows what a
fighting cove is, and though I was fool enough to back those birds, I was
never quite fool enough to lend anybody money. What I am about to
propose is something very different from going to my landlord, or lending
any capital; something which, though it will put money into my pocket,
will likewise put something handsome into your own. I want to get up a
fight in this here neighbourhood, which would be sure to bring plenty of
people to my house, for a week before and after it takes place; and as
people can't come without drinking, I think I could, during one
fortnight, get off for the brewer all the sour and unsaleable liquids he
now has, which people wouldn't drink at any other time, and by that
means, do you see, liquidate my debt; then, by means of betting, making
first all right, do you see, I have no doubt that I could put something
handsome into my pocket and yours, for I should wish you to be the
fighting man, as I think I can depend upon you.' 'You really must excuse
me,' said I; 'I have no wish to figure as a pugilist; besides, there is
such a difference in our ages; you may be the stronger man of the two,
and perhaps the hardest hitter, but I am in much better condition, am
more active on my legs, so that I am almost sure I should have the
advantage, for, as you very properly observed, "Youth will be served."'
'Oh, I didn't mean to fight,' said the landlord; 'I think I could beat
you if I were to train a little; but in the fight I propose I looks more
to the main chance than anything else. I question whether half so many
people could be brought together if you were to fight with me as the
person I have in view, or whether there would be half such opportunities
for betting, for I am a man, do you see; the person I wants you to fight
with is not a man, but the young woman you keeps company with.'
'The young woman I keep company with,' said I; 'pray what do you mean?'
'We will go into the bar, and have something,' said the landlord, getting
up. 'My niece is out, and there is no one in the house, so we can talk
the matter over quietly.' Thereupon I followed him into the bar, where,
having drawn me a jug of ale, helped himself as usual to a glass of
sherry, and lighted a cigar, he proceeded to explain himself further.
'What I wants is to get up a fight between a man and a woman; there never
has yet been such a thing in the ring, and the mere noise of the matter
would bring thousands of people together, quite enough to drink out, for
the thing should be close to my house, all the brewer's stock of liquids,
both good and bad.' 'But,' said I, 'you were the other day boasting of
the respectability of your house; do you think that a fight between a man
and a woman close to your establishment would add to its respectability?'
'Confound the respectability of my house,' said the landlord; 'will the
respectability of my house pay the brewer, or keep the roof over my head?
No, no! when respectability won't keep a man, do you see, the best thing
is to let it go and wander. Only let me have my own way, and both the
brewer, myself, and everyone of us, will be satisfied. And then the
betting--what a deal we may make by the betting--and that we shall have
all to ourselves, you, I, and the young woman; the brewer will have no
hand in that. I can manage to raise ten pounds, and if by flashing that
about I don't manage to make a hundred, call me horse.' 'But suppose,'
said I, 'the party should lose, on whom you sport your money, even as the
birds did?' 'We must first make all right,' said the landlord, 'as I
told you before; the birds were irrational beings, and therefore couldn't
come to an understanding with the others, as you and the young woman can.
The birds fought fair; but I intend that you and the young woman should
fight cross.' 'What do you mean by cross?' said I. 'Come, come,' said
the landlord, 'don't attempt to gammon me; you in the ring, and pretend
not to know what fighting cross is! That won't do, my fine fellow; but
as no one is near us, I will speak out. I intend that you and the young
woman should understand one another, and agree beforehand which should be
beat; and if you take my advice, you will determine between you that the
young woman shall be beat, as I am sure that the odds will run high upon
her, her character as a fist-woman being spread far and wide, so that all
the flats who think it will be all right will back her, as I myself
would, if I thought it would be a fair thing.' 'Then,' said I, 'you
would not have us fight fair?' 'By no means,' said the landlord,
'because why?--I conceives that a cross is a certainty to those who are
in it, whereas by the fair thing one may lose all he has.' 'But,' said
I, 'you said the other day that you liked the fair thing.' 'That was by
way of gammon,' said the landlord; 'just, do you see, as a Parliament
cove might say, speechifying from a barrel to a set of flats, whom he
means to sell. Come, what do you think of the plan?'
'It is a very ingenious one,' said I.
'Ain't it?' said the landlord. 'The folks in this neighbourhood are
beginning to call me old fool; but if they don't call me something else,
when they sees me friends with the brewer, and money in my pocket, my
name is not Catchpole. Come, drink your ale, and go home to the young
gentlewoman.'
'I am going,' said I, rising from my seat, after finishing the remainder
of the ale.
'Do you think she'll have any objection?' said the landlord.
'To do what?' said I.
'Why, to fight cross.'
'Yes, I do,' said I.
'But you will do your best to persuade her?'
'No, I will not,' said I.
'Are you fool enough to wish to fight fair?'
'No,' said I, 'I am wise enough to wish not to fight at all.'
'And how's my brewer to be paid?' said the landlord.
'I really don't know,' said I.
'I'll change my religion,' said the landlord.