At a late hour in the evening Lord Spoonbill, accompanied by his worthy
friend Colonel Crop, arrived at Smatterton castle. The domestics were
instructed not to make the arrival public, for his lordship was not
desirous of being interrupted by any invasions of callers. His object
professed to be the making some arrangements, and laying down some
plans for alterations and improvements.
Colonel Crop was an excellent counsellor. He was one of those admirable
advisers, whose suggestions are always taken, and whose advice is
always welcome, for he never gave any advice except that which was
dictated to him by the person whose counsellor he was. He would have
made an excellent prime minister for any sovereign who might not like
to be contradicted. His reverence for lords was very great, and far
greater of course would have been his reverence for kings. He would no
more think of reasoning with or contradicting a lord, than a common
soldier would think of refusing to march or halt at the word of his
commander.
Now when this worthy couple had finished a late dinner, and Colonel
Crop had assented to and echoed all that Lord Spoonbill had been
pleased to affirm as touching the excellence or the reverse of the
various meats and drinks composing their dinner, the hereditary
legislator began the work of consultation.
"Well, Crop, it is a good thing that I have sent that rascally
letter-carrier away."
"Very," replied the colonel.
"It would have been quite shocking if he had been terrified or bribed
out of his secret."
"Quite," replied the colonel.
"Now I have been thinking," continued his lordship, "that you may
be of great service to me in this affair."
"You may command me," replied the colonel.
That was true enough, and so might any one who would feed him. Young
men of weak minds and vicious habits are very much to be pitied when
they have such friends and companions as Colonel Crop.
"You know Miss Primrose by sight, colonel?" said his lordship.
"Can't say I do," replied the colonel; "I have seen her once, but I
took very little notice."
"I must introduce you then. Now you remember the trouble I had with the
old ones about this affair, and you know that I was fool enough, as I
told you, to go so far as actually to make Miss Primrose an offer of
marriage."
The colonel gave his assent to this proposition also; for he seemed
to think it an act of rudeness to contradict a lord, even when he
called himself a fool. And so perhaps it really is; for a lord ought
to know whether he is a fool or not, and he would not say it if he did
not believe it; and there is also a degree of wisdom in the discovery
that one has been a fool, for thereby it is intimated that the season
of folly is over. Whosoever therefore actually says that he was a fool
formerly, virtually says that he is not a fool now. So no doubt did
the colonel interpret the assertion of Lord Spoonbill, and with this
interpretation he said, "Exactly so."
"But I think now," proceeded his lordship, "I may have the young lady
on my own terms. But the difficulty is how to manage the business
without alarming her, and perhaps bringing down some deadly vengeance
from that father of her's, for he is as fierce as a tiger."
That which is a difficulty to an hereditary legislator and heir to
a title and large estate, must of course be a difficulty also to a
half-pay colonel, who loves to depend upon occasional dinners, and,
like a hospital, to be supported by voluntary contributions. Therefore
the colonel said:
"Ay, that is the difficulty."
"If by any means we could contrive to get the father out of the way,
we might perhaps get rid of some obstacle. Crop, can you hit upon any
scheme to separate them?"
"Can't, 'pon honor," replied the colonel, who probably thought that
it was not becoming in him to be more ingenious than his feeder. The
colonel indeed was willing to do whatever he might be bid, to say
whatever might be put into his mouth, to write whatever might be
dictated to him, and to go wherever he might be sent. But he was by no
means a self-acting machine. He would do anything for any body, but he
required to be told explicitly what to do.
After a pause of some minutes, Lord Spoonbill observed; "Perhaps some
use might be made of the stoppage of Mr Primrose's banker. I forget
the name; have you any recollection of it?"
"Can't say I have, 'pon honor;" replied the colonel.
To proceed much farther in narrating this lively dialogue which took
place between the Right Honorable Lord Spoonbill and Colonel Crop, as
to the most likely means of forwarding the designs which his lordship
meditated against Miss Primrose, would contribute more to the reader's
weariness than to his amusement or edification. It will be enough
in the present state of affairs to say, that this notable colloquy
terminated in the determination on the part of his lordship to take no
immediate steps in the affair till he had ascertained what effect the
anonymous letter had produced upon Robert Darnley. For this purpose,
Colonel Crop might render himself useful. Instructions were therefore
given him accordingly, and he was ordered to ride over to Neverden
Hall, where he might be most likely to gain some information.
Early therefore, on the following morning, the gallant colonel found
his way to the mansion of the worthy baronet and able magistrate, Sir
George Aimwell. The unpaid one was mightily well pleased at the visit,
and he shook the hand of the half-paid one till his fingers ached.
"Well, Colonel, I am glad to see you. So you are tired of the gaieties
of London already, and you are coming to relieve our dullness in the
country. How are our noble neighbours?"
"Quite well, I thank you," replied the colonel, who felt himself one
of great importance in being able to speak so readily and assuredly
concerning nobility.
And here we will take the opportunity, and a very fit one it is, of
observing on a very curious fact, namely, that the reverence for
nobility and high rank is not felt so acutely and powerfully by simple
and unmixed plebeians, as it is by those who have some remote affinity
to nobility, or who fancy themselves to be a shadow or two of a caste
above the mere plebeian. Colonel Crop was not of noble family, but he
was the last of a mighty puissant race of insignificant attenuated
gentry in a country town; and as nobility was a scarce article in the
neighbourhood where he was born and brought up, he was mightily proud
of his intimacy with the noble family of the Spoonbills. But to proceed.
"Now, colonel, as you are here," said the worthy baronet, "I hope you
will stay and spend the day with me."
We are always popping in our remarks upon everything that is done and
said; and here again we cannot help remarking that Sir George Aimwell
might have had the grace to say "with us," as well as "with me;"
but he thought so much of his own magisterial self, that he had no
consideration of any one else.
To the invitation thus given the gallant colonel scarcely knew what
to say, for his commission, though very definite as to purpose, was
not definite as to time. Now the colonel, though a man of family, was
somewhat obtuse, and by some people would have been called stupid; and
he scarcely knew whether or not he should communicate to the amiable
magistrate at Neverden Hall, the fact of Lord Spoonbill's incognito
presence at Smatterton castle. And as it was not possible for him to
send back to the castle for further orders, he thought that the most
prudent step that he could take would be to leave the matter of dining
undecided, and go back in person to Smatterton for full directions.
He gave therefore an undecided answer to the baronet's invitation,
saying that he had some "little matters" to attend to at Smatterton,
and that, if he possibly could return to Neverden in the evening, he
should be most happy to take his dinner with the worthy baronet.
Back therefore to Smatterton trotted the convenient colonel, in order
to report progress and ask leave to sit at the baronet's table. Now we
"guess" that some of our readers are sneering most contemptuously at
this convenient colonel, and admiring the placid facility with which
he is moved about from place to place at the nod of an hereditary
legislator, and obeying all the commands of a tadpole senator. Yet why
should any one think that he is unworthily or degradingly employed.
Only let us imagine for a moment that the Right Honorable Lord
Spoonbill is a most gracious, or a most Christian majesty, and that
his negociations are for precisely the same purpose as they are at
present; or that from negociations of this nature there may have arisen
between two mighty and puissant nations a just and necessary war--such
things have been--then would the said Colonel Crop, in his capacity of
negociator, be regarded with profound admiration by all his majesty's
most faithful and loyal subjects; and morning and evening papers
would be proud of putting forth second editions to immortalize his
diplomatic movements. But, as it is, ours is the only record of these
matters.
When Colonel Crop therefore returned to Smatterton castle, and informed
his right honorable employer of what had passed at Neverden, Lord
Spoonbill thought, though he did not say, that Colonel Crop was a great
booby.
"Why, colonel," said his lordship, "by all means go back and take
your dinner with Sir George; you may find out something about Darnley; I
am in no hurry for your return, only let me know all that you can
collect concerning this young lady; and above all endeavour to find
out whether Mr Robert Darnley is spoken of as her future husband, or
whether the acquaintance between them is broken off. That is all I wish
to ascertain at present. I shall then know how to act. For don't you
see that, if Darnley keeps at a distance in consequence of the present
reports, I am more likely to have her on my own terms. There is no
heart so easy to win as that of a disappointed lover."
With his instructions back went the colonel to Neverden. And as we have
not the opportunity of giving verbal or senatorial advice to mighty
and puissant princes, we will here do all we can for the good of our
country, and of all countries into the language of which this history
may be translated, by advising and most earnestly recommending that
blockheads, however valorous or gallant, like our friend Colonel Crop,
be not employed in diplomatic offices. There is a very great difference
between the vigorous arm that can break a man's head, and the ingenious
dexterity which can bend a man's heart. And, generally speaking, those
people can have but little regard for brains, whose business it is to
knock them out.
For want of a dexterous diplomatist, Lord Spoonbill, as we shall see
hereafter, was exposed to great inconvenience, and suffered mighty and
serious disappointment.
Colonel Crop was not sorry that leave was granted him to dine at Sir
George Aimwell's. For the baronet had an excellent cook, and the cook
had an excellent place, and few are the instances in which there exists
so good an understanding between master and servant, as in the present
case there did between the worthy magistrate and his as worthy cook.
Whether Colonel Crop did or did not possess the organ of hope strongly
developed in his skull, we cannot tell, for the gallant colonel has not
yet been hanged; if he had, we might have found any organs we pleased;
but we may suppose that he had the organ of anticipativeness, for his
thoughts dwelt so seriously and intently upon the good dinner that he
was likely to enjoy at Sir George Aimwell's table, that he did actually
and truly forget a great part of his errand. Oh, how selfish is mortal
man!
The colonel, however, with all his propensity to oblivion, had
sufficient memory to recollect that his business was to ascertain
whether Mr Darnley, son of the rector of Neverden, still continued his
acquaintance with a young lady or not. At the table of Sir George
Aimwell there was introduced a young lady, Miss Glossop. The name of
Glossop bears no very marked affinity to that of Primrose, but by some
strange fatality or fatuity, the gallant colonel confounded them. The
young lady, by a certain dashing style of behaviour, passed off with
the colonel as a remarkably fine young woman; and when Sir George
Aimwell spoke banteringly to her concerning Robert Darnley, then the
gallant negociator was sure that this was the lady in question.
There was a still farther corroboration in the circumstance that this
lady was gifted with remarkable vocal powers. The colonel was no great
judge of music, but he could see that she played very rapidly, and he
could hear that she sung very loud; and therefore he entertained the
same notion of her musical talents which she herself did.
The musical exhibition took place after tea. Lady Aimwell cared little
about music or anything else, and in the presence of her husband's
visitors she generally shewed her dignity by looking sulky. But Colonel
Crop was so vastly polite, that her ladyship was generally more civil
and courteous to him than to any other guests who were attracted to
Neverden Hall by the fame of the baronet's cook.
And while Miss Glossop was amusing herself with melodious
vociferations, and singing and playing so loud that the poor magistrate
could hardly keep his eyes shut, Colonel Crop and Lady Aimwell were
engaged in a whispering or muttering conversation, all about nothing
at all. They both agreed that it was remarkable weather, neither of
them had remembered it so mild for many years. Lady Aimwell was very
well pleased to hear Colonel Crop's common-place nothings which he had
brought from London, and her ladyship related all that had taken place
at Neverden since the colonel was there last.
Her ladyship was not especially partial to Miss Glossop. There was some
little jealousy in the heart of Lady Aimwell that this stranger, as it
were, should occupy so much of the baronet's attention. Disagreeable
people are generally the most jealous. Her ladyship noticed the music.
"I wonder," muttered the fretful one to Colonel Crop, "that Sir
George can bear to hear such a constant noise. I am sure he knows
nothing of music. There is a great deal of talk about her fine voice and
her rapid execution; her voice sounds to my ear very much like the voice
of a peacock."
Saying this her ladyship smiled, because it was almost witty, and the
colonel also smiled, for he too thought it was witty.
"But I beg your pardon, colonel," said her ladyship; "perhaps you may
be partial to music?"
"By no means," replied the colonel, "and I was not aware that Sir
George was partial to it. Our friends at the castle are very musical."
It was pleasant for the colonel to be able to talk about our friends
at the castle; but Lady Aimwell, though not very ambitious of publicity
in the gay world, was rather jealous of the Smatterton great ones, and
thought herself treated with too much haughtiness and distance by the
Earl and Countess.
"I wish that all that noise and affectation were at the castle, instead
of tormenting me."
Thus spoke Lady Aimwell. Now, thought Colonel Crop, there was a fine
opportunity for introducing his diplomacy; and for that purpose the
gallant negociator said, in a very knowing accent:
"But I think I have heard that this young lady is likely to give her
hand to a Mr ---- Mr ---- bless me, I forget names."
"Do you mean Mr Darnley," said her ladyship, "the son of our
rector?"
"Yes, yes," replied the colonel, "I believe that is the name;
Darnley, Darnley, ay, ay, that is the name. This lady is going to be
married to Mr Darnley, I have heard."
"Oh no!" replied her ladyship, "I don't believe it. I can hardly
think it probable. Indeed--but I hope it will go no further"--
Here her ladyship spoke in a still lower key and more subdued tone, and
the gallant colonel listened with profound attention, and with great
delight did he hear her ladyship thus speak:
"There has, I believe, been some talk about such an affair, and Robert
Darnley has met her here once or twice. But the truth is, he seems to
know her character and disposition too well. And if there were any such
thoughts on his part, I am sure he has given up all such idea by this
time. Indeed, I do not think that there ever was much regard on either
side."
This was grand intelligence for the colonel. He felt himself mightily
important. He soon ceased the conversation, and took his leave of the
family at Neverden Hall, and he reported all that he had heard and seen
according to the best of his ability.
"Well, my lord, I have seen your Arabella."
"Penelope, you mean;" interrupted his lordship.
"Ay, ay, Penelope; bless me, how soon I forget names. So I have seen
her and heard her."
"She plays and sings delightfully," said Lord Spoonbill.
"Wonderfully," replied the colonel, who was more than usually eloquent
in consequence of the good success of his diplomacy: "to be sure I do
not understand music, but I never saw so rapid an execution in my life."
"But," interrupted his impatient lordship, "did you hear anything
about that Darnley?"
"Yes," replied the colonel, with mighty pomp and energy of manner.
"Lady Aimwell told me, in confidence, that Darnley knew her character
too well to think of marrying her. These were her ladyship's own
words."
"Now, Crop, you have done me a service indeed. Now I think the day is
our own."
When the good friends parted for the night, his delighted lordship was
so occupied with his own sweet thoughts that he was quite intoxicated
with joy. He would, had he been able, have sung a _Te Deum_; and it
would be very well if _Te Deum_ had never been sung on occasions quite
as unworthy as, if not infinitely more so than the present.
END OF THE SECOND VOLUME.
LONDON:
PRINTED BY C. H. REYNELL, BROAD STREET, GOLDEN SQUARE.
* * * * *
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES:
Inconsistent spelling has been retained, unless it's clearly a
printer's error.
This is a list of the corrections made:
Smattertno => Smatterton
too verturn => to overturn
gird => girl
enoug => enough