SCENE: _The same._
TIME: _Afternoon of January 1st, 1908._
_Enter_ LUCAS, _followed by_ CRIDDLE. LUCAS _has his left
collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his
coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging
down._
_Lucas._ They've gone to meet me?
_Criddle._ Yes, sir.
_Lucas._ By the road?
_Criddle._ Yes, sir.
_Lucas._ That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side
of the clump, and so I walked over the fields.
_Criddle._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious.
_Lucas._ No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months'
leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England.
_Criddle._ You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir?
_Lucas._ Blazing!
_Criddle._ We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir.
_Lucas._ Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle?
_Criddle._ Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess.
_Lucas._ Same old visitors--same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher
still Vicar here, I suppose?
_Criddle._ Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's
service last night.
_Lucas._ Same old sermon!
_Criddle._ No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar
points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last
year?
_Lucas._ Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was!
_Criddle._ Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched
me up a bit.
_Lucas._ In what way, Criddle?
_Criddle._ I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I
never put a farthing on anything--not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks.
_Lucas._ You didn't?
_Criddle._ No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't,
for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never
touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me----
_Lucas._ What, Criddle?
_Criddle._ Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a
collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight
he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket
fund----
_Lucas._ Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for
each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming
off, Criddle?
_Criddle._ I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this
afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he
gets here.
_Lucas._ Find the box?
_Criddle._ Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me,
sir, I must look for it.
[_Exit_ CRIDDLE.
LUCAS _takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through
it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter
in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to
conservatory, looks in._ RENIE _enters at door behind him. She
starts, as he turns round._
_Renie._ [_In a whisper._] You're here already?
_Lucas._ Yes----
_Renie._ Your wound?
_Lucas._ Much better. Nearly well.
_Renie._ I'm so glad----
_Lucas._ I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why
didn't you answer my last letter?
_Renie._ I did--and tore it up.
_Lucas._ Tore it up?
_Renie._ What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything
to each other!
_Lucas._ But you didn't mean it?
[_He seizes her hand and kisses it several times._
_Renie._ [_Feebly attempting to withdraw it._] Yes--yes, I did. Hush!
_Lucas._ I want you to read this. [_Shows her the letter._
_Matt._ [_Heard through the door which is open a few inches._] Have you
found the box, Criddle?
_Criddle._ No, sir. I've hunted everywhere.
_Matt._ Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher.
MATT _enters. Meantime_ RENIE _has crept to upper conservatory door
and gone off signing to_ LUCAS _to keep silence. He has taken the
letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it
back before_ MATT _enters._
_Matt._ Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!
_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Uncle Matt.
[_Cordially shaking hands._
_Matt._ Glad to see you back in England.
_Lucas._ Glad to be back!
_Matt._ How's the arm?
_Lucas._ Splendid--nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?
_Matt._ First rate. They'll be here directly.
_Lucas._ The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.
_Matt._ Ye-es.
_Lucas._ Gray matter still going strong?
_Matt._ Booming.
_Lucas._ How's Mrs. Sturgess?
_Matt._ As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act----
_Lucas._ Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?
_Matt._ Very. Lucas----
_Lucas._ Well?
_Matt._ You're quite cured, eh?
_Lucas._ Cured?
_Matt._ Of your infatuation for her.
_Lucas._ Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I
was ordered out to India----
_Matt._ I managed that for you, my boy.
_Lucas._ You did!?
_Matt._ Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot,
urged your claims, and got you the appointment.
_Lucas._ So that was why I was packed off. It was you who----
_Matt._ Aren't you thankful I did?
_Lucas._ Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!
_Matt._ So you ought to be. And so's the lady.
_Lucas._ Is she?
_Matt._ Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down
to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked
Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.
_Lucas._ Did she?
_Matt._ Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would
have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.
_Lucas._ Oh, so that's all settled!
_Matt._ That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.
_Lucas._ What do you mean?
_Matt._ Well, you won't come----
_Lucas._ What?
_Matt._ The same old game.
_Lucas._ What same old game?
_Matt._ Why, _the_ same old game!
_Lucas._ You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.
_Matt._ My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not
going to be any repetition----
_Lucas._ No--no.
_Matt._ Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?
_Lucas._ No.
_Matt._ Very well then, don't do it!
_Lucas._ I won't! [_Listening._] Ah! [DOLLY _and_ HARRY'S _voices heard
in hall_] Dolly and Harry!
DOLLY _and_ HARRY _enter very lovingly._
_Lucas._ Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!
_Dolly._ Happy New Year, Lu!
_Lucas._ Harry, old brick, how goes it?
_Harry._ Splendid!
_Lucas._ Happy New Year!
_Harry._ Happy New Year! [_Looking lovingly at_ DOLLY.] By Jove, Doll,
you can foot it. [_To_ LUCAS.] Doll and I have just raced up from the
farm. She licked me! bless her!
_Dolly._ Yes, because you encouraged me!
_Harry._ [_Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her
heartily._] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.
_Dolly._ When you encourage me!
_Harry._ Oh, I'll encourage you!
[_He again kisses her heartily._
_Harry._ Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?
_Lucas._ No, nearly well, unfortunately.
_Dolly._ Down for the day?
_Lucas._ Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put
me up----
_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.
_Harry._ There's the spare room, Doll.
_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.
_Harry._ [_Half aside to her._] I say, not for you, old girl!
_Lucas._ Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.
_Enter_ RENIE _at back, still in outdoor clothes._
_Renie._ [_Feigning a little surprise._] Captain Wentworth! A happy New
Year!
_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.
[_Shaking hands._
_Renie._ So sorry to hear of your wound!
_Lucas._ Oh, it's healed, thank you.
_Renie._ I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?
_Lucas._ I fear only a few days longer.
_Renie._ I'm sorry your visit will be so short.
CRIDDLE _enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is
very mouldy and dusty--he has also duster in his hand._
_Criddle._ I've found him, sir--
_Matt._ Rather mouldy, eh?
_Criddle._ Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.
[_Begins to dust the box carefully._
_Matt._ Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.
_Harry._ How?
_Matt._ You've had no occasion to use him lately.
_Criddle._ [_Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it._] There he
is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.
_Matt._ Where did you find him?
_Criddle._ In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle
of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my
hand behind, there he was!
_Harry._ [_Has a sudden gesture of remembrance._] Yes, I remember!
_Matt._ What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [_Holds out
his hand to_ CRIDDLE _for the box._ CRIDDLE, _who has been holding it
carefully, gives it to_ MATT. _Exit_ CRIDDLE. MATT _gives the box a
shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more
violently; it rattles again._] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he
get into the wine-cellar, Harry?
_Harry._ Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one
morning--nothing serious----
_Matt._ No. When was that?
_Harry._ March, wasn't it?
_Dolly._ May, I think----
_Harry._ No, it wasn't that one--Well, never mind, I got so riled at
Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to--so I
thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.
_Matt._ [_Gives it another rattle._] Well, here he is, turned up just at
the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs.
Sturgess--all clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a
sovereign for each of you.
CRIDDLE _appears at door announcing_ MR. PILCHER. PILCHER _enters
with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit_
CRIDDLE.
_Pilcher._ Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [_Depositing his
parcels._] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!
_Dolly._ New Year's gifts!
_Pilcher._ To those who need them. [_Shaking hands with her._] Happy New
Year, Mr. Barron!
[_Shaking hands._
_Matt._ Happy New Year!
_Pilcher._ How do this morning, Telfer! [HARRY _nods._] My dear Mrs.
Sturgess! [_Shaking hands._
_Renie._ Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last
night!
_Pilcher._ Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.
_Harry._ A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel--well----
[_Gives himself a shake._
_Pilcher._ Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!
_Lucas._ [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year!
_Pilcher._ I heard you were wounded----
_Lucas._ Oh, that's done with.
_Matt._ We were just talking about our New Year's inquest----
_Pilcher._ Inquest?!
_Matt._ Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and----
[_Glancing at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.
_Dolly._ Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is
dead here.
_Matt._ I hope not! We shall see----
_Lucas._ Uncle, you don't really mean----
_Matt._ It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid
any awkward little exposures, or if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his
claims to my contributions----
_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose
of bearing away my trophy--Ah! [_Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it
a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile._] It seems to have proved
a very wholesome household regulator.
_Harry._ Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours
before I put in a sovereign.
_Pilcher._ A sovereign?
_Harry._ The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little
tiff--nothing serious--and so the next morning I made it up and--didn't
I, Dolly?----
_Dolly._ You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!
_Pilcher._ And put in a sovereign? [_Rattles the box again._] I won't
say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to
liquidate them." [_Gives the box another rattle._] The box must have
been in pretty constant use since----
_Harry._ Ye-es.
PROFESSOR STURGESS _enters at back, with the proofs of his book
in his hand._
_Prof._ How do you do?
_Pilcher._ [_Has put down box._] How do you do? [_Shaking hands._] Happy
New Year!
_Prof._ Happy New Year to you! [_To_ LUCAS.] How d'ye do?
_Lucas._ First rate. Happy New Year!
[_Shaking hands._
_Prof._ Thank you. An accident?
_Lucas._ Bit of one. Getting over it.
_Prof._ If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.
_Lucas._ Oh, thanks, it's quite well----
_Prof._ Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding----
[_Looking round._
_Pilcher._ Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr.
Barron raised last New Year's day----
_Prof._ Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning
received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."
[_Showing the proofs to_ PILCHER.
_Pilcher._ Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with
you, but [_taking out watch_] I have so many New Year's calls to make.
[_Looking at_ MATT.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the--a----
_Matt._ Inquest.
_Pilcher._ Vindication.
_Matt._ [_Accepting the correction._] Vindication.
_Prof._ I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel
and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to
touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends
upon---- [_Again offering the proof._
_Pilcher._ I should like to look through those sheets, but----
[_Glancing at_ MATT.
_Prof._ You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case
of Sarah Mumford----
_Pilcher._ Sarah Mumford?
_Prof._ The baby farmer----
_Matt._ Sarah's gray matter gone watery?
_Prof._ Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion----
_Matt._ I suppose that's just as bad?
_Prof._ Quite.
_Matt._ What did they do with her?
_Prof._ They hanged her. They then discovered extensive lesions and this
yellow effusion----
_Matt._ Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.
_Prof._ My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose
gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.
_Dolly._ But she had suffocated five dear little babies?
_Matt._ How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow
effusion in her brain?
_Prof._ Precisely my argument----
[_Puts his proofs into_ MATT'S _hands. Points out a passage_. MATT, _a
little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them._]
_Prof._ The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that
extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a
man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out
blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts,
and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or
bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain
inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial
plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the
working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?
_Matt._ Quite so! Quite so! [DOLLY _is about to speak, but_ MATT _hushes
her down with a warning look and sign._] The Professor wants to say with
Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could
possibly help it.
_Prof._ Well, if you like to put it that way----
_Pilcher._ And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact
terms, Mr. Barron?
_Matt._ I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so
far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to
have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit----
_Lucas._ We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken
off?
_Matt._ I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the
particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that
you've conquered it. [_Putting down proofs on table, taking up the
money-box, giving it a shake._] Now, who will be first to step into the
confessional? [_Looking round._
_Dolly._ I will. As I've nothing to confess.
_Matt._ Nothing?
_Dolly._ No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but----
_Harry._ No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?
_Dolly._ No.
_Harry._ You're sure now, my darling?
_Dolly._ None of any importance.
_Harry._ What do you mean of any importance?
_Dolly._ Well, you must have some bills--they grow up before you
know--such as Doctors' bills--you can't settle them all on the spur of
the moment, but I've nothing--nothing of importance. So please put in
your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.
_Matt._ You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off
your bad habit of running up bills?
_Dolly._ Yes.
_Matt._ Entirely?
_Dolly._ Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.
_Matt._ Yes, but----
_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one
victory for free will, [_nodding victoriously at the_ PROFESSOR _who
shakes his head_], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.
_Matt._ Hum! [_Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly
drops it into the box, shakes his head at_ DOLLY _who looks a little
uncomfortable._] Who volunteers next?
_Renie._ I do. No--I'll wait a little--I want to make sure that I am
perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.
_Matt._ That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?
_Lucas._ Oh, let Harry have his doing first!
_Matt._ Now, Harry!
_Harry._ Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact
is I've made a thundering mess of it.
_Matt._ Ah!
_Harry._ I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly--and
then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then--well I don't know--I
seemed to go all to pieces and--[MATT _rattles the money-box._] However,
better luck this year.
_Pilcher._ Shall we say a little more resolution?
_Harry._ Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.
_Matt._ Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry--too many irons in
the fire, eh?
_Harry._ Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack
till you woke us up last night--I say, that was a rouser again.
_Pilcher._ It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the
next year shall we make one especial effort in one especial
direction--Say----
_Dolly._ Temper, eh, Harry?
_Harry._ Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.
_Matt._ No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game
and game, eh? Now which of you two----
[_Looking at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.
_Renie._ I'll be your first victim. [_Coming into the middle of the
room, and posing._] It's so strange that what you started as a jest----
_Matt._ Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.
_Renie._ In this life who knows what is jest and what is earnest? The
least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment----
_Matt._ Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?
_Renie._ No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a
tragedy--honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little
careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what
might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two
dear friends!
_Prof._ My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?
_Matt._ We said we wouldn't be inquisitive----
_Prof._ No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the
last twelve months that even approached a tragedy----
_Renie._ I said the affair was quite unimportant----
_Prof._ Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I
wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French
novels--and above all, take a little more regular exercise!
_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the
coming year. Meantime, [_To_ RENIE] may we be confident your little
tragedy is ended----
_Renie._ Oh yes, quite.
_Matt._ We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?
[_Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously._]
_Renie._ Yes, my word of honor.
_Matt._ Thank you.
_Pilcher._ Another victory.
_Matt._ [_Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box._]
Lucas?
_Lucas._ [_Coming cheerfully forward._] My turn for the thumbscrew!
_Matt._ You seem very cheerful about it.
_Lucas._ Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.
_Matt._ What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past
year?
_Lucas._ I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but
I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself
on the back.
_Matt._ But I want to know one particular habit conquered--for instance,
you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of
them at the same time----
_Lucas._ I say, Uncle Matt, drop this----
_Matt._ And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the
straight----
_Lucas._ Oh no I didn't.
_Matt._ I want to know----
_Lucas._ Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes
any further.
_Matt._ It isn't going any further. [_Putting his hand on_ LUCAS'S
_shoulder._] Give me your word of honor----
_Lucas._ That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't
think you should have brought it up. But as you have--well, I did meet a
lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my
resolution, and there the matter ended.
_Pilcher._ I think I may claim a victory here.
_Lucas._ So please put in your sovereign.
_Matt._ [_Very seriously._] If you will give me your word of honor that
you have absolutely broken off----
_Lucas._ Yes, yes, of course I have.
[MATT _puts in a sovereign, hands the box to_ PILCHER.
_Pilcher._ Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory.
[_Taking out watch._] I must hurry off to the White House and see what
they're doing there. [_Rattling the box._] Excellent results! So
excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's
gift.
[_Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels._
_Dolly._ A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?
_Pilcher._ [_Opening his parcel._] To you and your husband. To your
husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little
short of perfection during the last year--like some of the rest of
us--yet I feel sure that during this coming year--[_They have all been
watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very
bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on
it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box._] My
household regulator! [_Giving it to_ DOLLY.
_Dolly._ [_Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of
the parcel._] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's
sake. Harry! For you, dear.
[_She gives the box to_ HARRY, _who places it on the same table._]
_Dolly._ You call it the household regulator?
_Pilcher._ Yes--I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its
use will become very general throughout the diocese.
_Dolly._ You think it will work well?
_Pilcher._ It cannot fail. A box of this character--larger or smaller,
according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each
house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and
asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the
family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting
its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in
leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [_Shaking hands._]
Good-bye, Professor.
_Prof._ I should like to make that point clear with regard to free
will----
_Pilcher._ When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we
might argue it out----
_Prof._ You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you----
_Pilcher._ Delighted!
[_Shakes hands in dumb show with_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY.
_Prof._ Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come
with us----
_Renie._ But I've already been walking----
_Prof._ My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep
out in it all the day long----
_Renie._ Oh, very well--the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I
suppose?
_Prof._ As usual. Come along.
[_Exit._ RENIE _slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly
glances at_ LUCAS _and exit after_ PROFESSOR.
_Lucas._ The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!
_Matt._ Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll
there!
[_Linking his arm with_ LUCAS.
_Lucas._ [_Suspicious, holding back._] I don't know that I care--we went
there last year----
_Matt._ We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.
[_Drags_ LUCAS _off_.
_Pilcher._ [_Has been gathering up his parcels._] Well, good-bye!
Good-bye! [_Rattles the hospital box vigorously._] Three splendid
victories for free will and moral resolution!
[_Exit, rattling the box._
_Harry._ Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?
_Dolly._ No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.
_Harry._ You might let me see the little oddments----
_Dolly._ I will. [_Suddenly._] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!
_Harry._ What?
_Dolly._ I never wrote the geyser bath people!
_Harry._ Never mind the geyser bath.
_Dolly._ And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it
ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?
_Harry._ I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.
_Dolly._ [_Gently pushing him off._] I can just catch to-night's post!
Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the
bath fixed up for you next week.
_Harry._ Ye--es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up
to-night.
[_Taps the writing-case significantly and exit._ DOLLY _looks
frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills,
looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down
the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act,
shows great resolution, marches up and touches it._
_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! I have got free will.
[_Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it,
touches it._
_Dolly._ Then why do I keep on having bills?
RENIE _enters in great agitation and distress._
_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
_Dolly._ What's the matter?
_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
_Dolly._ What is it?
_Renie._ [_Throws her arms round_ DOLLY _affectionately._] You've always
been such a true friend to me----
_Dolly._ Yes, dear.
_Renie._ More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.
_Dolly._ [_A little suspicious._] Yes. Has anything happened?
_Renie._ Yes. Oh, Dolly----
_Dolly._ Tell me!
_Renie._ As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held
out a letter behind his back for me to take----
_Dolly._ What?!
_Renie._ But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and
he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and
insisted on reading it----
_Dolly._ What was in the letter?
_Renie._ It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a
wrong conclusion, and--oh, Dolly, you can help me!
_Dolly._ [_Coldly, relaxing her embrace._] How?
_Renie._ If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it
for you----
_Dolly._ What?!
_Renie._ There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it
showed that you weren't really guilty.
_Dolly._ Oh! I wasn't really guilty?
_Renie._ In fact, it proves your complete innocence.
_Dolly._ I'm glad of that.
_Renie._ Then you'll let me say it was you?
_Dolly._ No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to
me in my own house?!
_Renie._ You won't help me?
_Dolly._ Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?
_Renie._ I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite
made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be
an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to
do. Oh, what shall I do?
_Dolly._ As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband
to forgive you.
_Renie._ Ye--es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I
shall take that ground--at any rate at first, and see what he says.
You'll help me all you can?
_Dolly._ Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in
future!
_Renie._ No, indeed! if I once get out of this.
_Dolly._ Very well! I'll see what I can do.--Hush!
_The_ PROFESSOR _enters with a letter in his hand_, MATT _soothing
him._
_Prof._ [_Very angry._] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you
have doubtless heard----
_Dolly._ Yes----?
_Prof._ I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess
will, I trust, return to her friends until----
_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain----
_Prof._ What explanation can be offered of language like this. [_Reading
from letter._] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were
entirely different from any woman I have ever met----" A monstrously
inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of
practising such deceit----
[RENIE _bursts into tears_.
_Matt._ I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say----
_Renie._ [_Through her tears._] What would be the use? With such a
nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted
devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have
been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end!
Dolly, come and help me pack!
[_Exit_. MATT _goes up to table and takes up proofs of_ PROFESSOR'S
_book and looks through them._
_Dolly._ You're really too severe with poor Renie----
_Prof._ I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of
the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!
_Dolly._ Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless
flirtation----
_Prof._ In my wife a flirtation of this character [_pointing to letter
in his hand_] constitutes grave misconduct.
_Dolly._ But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any
woman! Dad, explain to him----
_Matt._ Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now
this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [_pointing to
proofs_]--Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman
too!--[_reading_] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor
lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this
book you'll have to modify your theory.
_Prof._ I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting
facts which prove it.
_Matt._ Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's
little indiscretion.
_Prof._ That is equally impossible----
_Matt._ But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was
entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her
brain.
_Prof._ Undoubtedly that is so.
_Dolly._ Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong,
what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as
free will----
_Prof._ Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low
moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a
plausible working hypothesis.
_Dolly._ But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my
own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I
could help myself? [_Catching_ MATT'S _eye, who looks at her gravely and
holds up his finger._] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong
and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free
will!
_Matt._ Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid
down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!
_Prof._ But it has been announced! I must publish it.
_Matt._ You cannot. Read that. [_Giving the_ PROFESSOR _the book and
pointing out passage._] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs.
Sturgess.
_Prof._ [_Taking book, glancing at the passage._] Really, it's most
annoying when one's own wife upsets----
_Matt._ Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the
other.
_Prof._ Of course, if one presses the matter home to first
principles----
_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own first principles! You
ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.
_Prof._ Suffered?
_Dolly._ Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has
gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for
you.
_Prof._ Her admiration for me!
_Dolly._ Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of
science.
_Prof._ [_Mollified._] Does she? Does she?
_Dolly._ Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to
her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything
except reproaches----
_Prof._ [_Looking at his proofs._] I must publish my book. And after
all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to
the----
_Matt._ The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't
help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you
ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray
matter into a healthy condition.
_Prof._ I will hear what she has to say.
_Dolly._ No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her
gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for
you!
_Prof._ It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must
publish my book. [_Exit._
_Dolly._ Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.
_Matt._ No, my dear, I wouldn't.
_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas!
_Matt._ What is to be done with him?
_Dolly._ Pack him off! Pack him off at once!
[LUCAS _cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door._
_Lucas._ I say, how's the old bird seem to take it?
_Dolly._ Old bird!
_Lucas._ He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this?
_Dolly._ Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you!
_Lucas._ You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry!
_Dolly._ Sorry!
_Lucas._ I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make----
_Dolly._ Reparation?!
_Lucas._ Such as an apology----
[DOLLY _utters a contemptuous exclamation._
_Matt._ Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess
again?
_Lucas._ Yes.
_Matt._ Or write to her?
_Lucas._ Yes.
_Matt._ The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean
something, Lu.
_Lucas._ It does now, Uncle Matt!
_Matt._ [_Shakes hands with him heartily._] Then I'll take it. Now be
off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and
her.
_Lucas._ Thanks. Good-bye!
_Matt._ Good-bye!
[LUCAS _crosses to_ DOLLY, _offers his hand._
_Dolly._ No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave
yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.
_Lucas._ You're taking this too seriously--you're taking it far too
seriously! [_Exit._
_Matt._ We're making a splendid start again for the New Year!
_Dolly._ I hope this will be a lesson for Renie!
_Matt._ I hope so. How about yourself?
_Dolly._ What do you mean?
_Matt._ I put the sovereign in, but--you've got a few more bills, eh?
_Dolly._ Just a few oddments.
_Matt._ How much?
_Dolly._ I don't know. Dad----
_Matt._ Well?
_Dolly._ Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that
splendid coup on them last week----
_Matt._ Well?
_Dolly._ You couldn't lend me--a few hundreds--till my allowance comes
due? Just a few hundreds----
_Matt._ [_In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head._] What? What?
What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!
_Dolly._ [_Listens._] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad--you will?
_Matt._ I'll see what I can do.
HARRY _enters cheerfully._
_Harry._ That's all right, Doll! There's the address.
[_Giving a slip of paper._
_Dolly._ Thanks, dear.
_Harry._ And now about these mere oddments?
_Dolly._ Not now, dear.
_Harry._ Yes, dear, now. [_Very sternly._] This instant!
_Dolly._ Harry, you're going to lose your temper----
_Harry._ No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [_very sternly_]
let me see those bills.
_Dolly._ [_Creeps frightened up to the desk._] I'm sure you're going to
lose your temper.
[_Opens the desk._
_Harry._ [_Firmly._] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [_She hands
him one timorously._] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists!
[_looks at total_]--one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm----
_Dolly._ Ah, Jobling!
_Harry._ I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter
their shop again!
_Dolly._ I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary----
_Harry._ Necessary?
_Dolly._ Yes--you see the chief item----
_Harry._ [_Reads._] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa--eighty
guineas--eighty guineas----
_Dolly._ I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week.
_Harry._ Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all----
_Matt._ Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please
you!
_Dolly._ You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside--I've a great mind
to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!
_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled----
_Matt._ Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see
whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [_Exit_ DOLLY.
_Harry._ [_Calls after her._] I tell you I'm not going to be
sweedled!----
_Matt._ What is sweedled?
_Harry._ Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling!
It's what every d--ee--d good-natured husband like me has to go through,
when he's fool enough to put up with it!
_Matt._ Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to
that in the end.
_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled----
_Matt._ And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out
with it to-morrow morning!
_Harry._ No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night.
_Matt._ No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the
cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy
it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!
DOLLY _enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat._ HARRY
_looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and
displays it._
_Dolly._ Well? [_He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows
him._] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?
[_Displaying the furs._]
[_He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms._
_Harry._ Oh, hang it all! [_Takes her in his arms and kisses her._]
There!
_Dolly._ [_Kissing him heartily._] And there! [_Another kiss._] And
there! [_Another kiss._] And there! [_Catches sight of the collecting
box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor._]
AND THERE!
CURTAIN.
* * * * *
Transcriber's note
The following changes have been made to the text:
Page 7: "The Afternoon" changed to "The afternoon".
Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to "thirty-four, seven".
Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of you
has his own".
Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a pleasant walk".
Page 33: "to the time---- w" changed to "to the time----".
Page 50: "Doll." changed to "Dolly.".
Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to "Gibraltar".
Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for themselves".
Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least self-respect".
Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now organized".
Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a minute".
Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive lesions".
End of Project Gutenberg's Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones