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THE PLAYS OF
HENRY ARTHUR JONES
DOLLY
REFORMING
HERSELF
A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
BY
HENRY ARTHUR JONES
AUTHOR OF
"THE LIARS," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," "THE TEMPTER,"
"THE CRUSADERS," "JUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS
SUSAN," "THE DANCING GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN,"
"THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE TRIUMPH OF THE
PHILISTINES," "THE MASQUERADERS," "THE
MANOEUVRES OF JANE," "CARNACSAHIB,"
"THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE,"
"THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," "THE
PRINCESS'S NOSE," ETC.
"Memnon concut un jour le projet insense d'etre parfaitement sage. Il
n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la
tete." VOLTAIRE.
COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES
PRICE 50 CENTS
NEW YORK | LONDON.
SAMUEL FRENCH | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
PUBLISHER | 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST,
28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND
DOLLY REFORMING
HERSELF
A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
BY
HENRY ARTHUR JONES
"Memnon concut un jour le projet insense d'etre parfaitement sage. Il
n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la
tete." VOLTAIRE.
COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES
CAUTION--This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the
United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play
without the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable to
penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be
made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City.
_ALL RIGHTS RESERVED_
NEW YORK | LONDON
SAMUEL FRENCH | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
PUBLISHER | 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET
28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND
"The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;--a
scene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintaining
comparison with Sheridan." Mr. A. B. Walkley--The London Times.
"This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surely
as good a comedy as he has ever written.
I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is his
humor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift which
prevents him from dancing on us--that gift of humor whereby he is
content to take us just as we are.
No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and none
observes more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Other
playwrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none of
them creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones.
Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of
it while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are aware
merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom
and naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the art
of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more
admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in
the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even
the butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant to
this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal
pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point
is "Can we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is worked
not through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people in
a country-house.
The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly and
her husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finest
sense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jones
may well be proud."
Mr. Max Beerbohm--The Saturday Review.
TO MISS ETHEL IRVING
My Dear Miss Irving,
Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success at
the Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance of
Dolly?
Faithfully yours
Henry Arthur Jones.
The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly Reforming
Herself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd.,
1908.
CAST.
_Harry Telfer_ (Dolly's Husband) MR. ROBERT LORAINE
_Matthew Barron_ (Dolly's Father) MR. C. M. LOWNE
_Captain Lucas Wentworth_ (Dolly's Cousin) MR. CHARLES R. MAUDE
_Professor Sturgess_ MR. E. LYALL SWETE
_The Rev. James Pilcher_ (Vicar of Crookbury) MR. HERBERT BUNSTON
_Criddle_ MR. GILBERT PORTEOUS
_Mrs. Harry Telfer_ (Dolly) MISS ETHEL IRVING
_Mrs. Sturgess_ (Renie) MISS MARGARET HALSTAN
_Peters_ (Dolly's Maid) MISS ADA WEBSTER
PERSONS REPRESENTED.
HARRY TELFER (Dolly's husband).
MATTHEW BARRON (Dolly's father).
CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH (Dolly's cousin).
PROFESSOR STURGESS.
THE REVEREND JAMES PILCHER (Vicar of Crookbury.)
CRIDDLE.
MRS. HARRY TELFER (Dolly).
MRS. STURGESS (Renie).
PETERS (Dolly's maid).
ACT I.
SCENE.--THE DRAWING-ROOM AT HARRY TELFER'S, THE GABLES, CROOKBURY GREEN,
SURREY.
_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1907.
ACT II.
SCENE.--THE SAME.
_Time_--AFTER DINNER ON THE SAME DAY.
ACT III.
SCENE.--THE SAME.
_Time_--LATER ON THE SAME NIGHT.
ACT IV.
SCENE.--THE SAME.
_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1908.
Dolly Reforming Herself
ACT I.
SCENE: _Drawing-room at_ HARRY TELFER'S, _The Gables, Crookbury Green,
Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At
the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All
along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which
is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left
side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome
writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the
audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left
centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right
centre down stage is a larger table._
TIME: _The afternoon of_ 1ST _January_, 1907.
_Discover at writing-table, back to audience_, DOLLY TELFER, _a bright
little woman about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over
her, back to audience, is her father_, MATT BARRON, _a pleasant-looking,
easy-going cynic of sixty._ HARRY TELFER, DOLLY'S _husband, an ordinary
good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is
standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a
scientific book, is_ PROFESSOR STURGESS, _a hard, dry, narrow, fattish
scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French
novel, is_ RENIE STURGESS, _the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome
woman about thirty_.
_Harry_. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a
rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it,
rouser at the Watch-night Service last night.
_Matt_. [_Turning round_.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing
sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it.
_Harry_. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At
least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a
very bad sort of fellow, do you?
_Matt_. N-o--No----
_Harry_. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly?
[DOLLY _takes no notice_.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got
a heap of--well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so
on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off.
_Matt_. That will be a score for Pilcher--that is, if you do knock them
off.
_Harry_. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night,
didn't I, Dolly? [DOLLY _takes no notice_.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully
impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly?
_Matt_. [_Looking round at_ DOLLY'S _back_.] Dolly was awfully
impressed?
_Harry_. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd
give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her
allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly?
_Matt_. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher--that is, if Dolly
does live within her allowance.
_Harry._ Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly?
_Dolly._ [_Turns round on her stool, bills in hand._] I think it's
disgraceful!
_Matt._ What?
_Dolly._ These tradespeople! [_Comes down to_ MATT.] I'm almost sure
I've paid this bill once--if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty
shillings in the addition--you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up
for me. My head is so muddled.
[_Giving the bill to_ MATT.
_Harry._ Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to
have any more bills?
_Dolly._ It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed
thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful!
[_Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to
writing-table._
_Harry._ Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming
amount, do you?
_Dolly._ Oh no! Oh _no_! And if you'll only help me as you promised----
_Harry._ We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to
give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your
debts.
_Dolly._ Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it?
_Harry._ I've done it so often! You remember the last time?
_Dolly._ [_Making a wry face._] Yes, I remember the last time.
_Harry._ And here we are again!
_Dolly._ Oh, don't talk like a clown!
_Harry._ But, my dear Dolly, here we are again.
_Dolly._ Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I
was born without it!
_Matt._ [_Hands her the bill._] The addition is quite correct.
_Dolly._ [_Taking the bill._] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid
it! [_Looking at bill._] Yes! Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor
Sturgess----
_Prof._ [_Looks up from his book_] Yes?
_Dolly._ You understand all about psychology and the way our brains
work.
_Prof._ I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim
that I understand them.
_Dolly._ But wouldn't you say----
_Prof._ What?
_Dolly._ I'm morally certain I've paid this bill.
_Matt._ Have you got the receipt?
_Dolly._ No! I must have mislaid it.
_Matt._ When, and where did you pay it?
_Dolly._ I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now----
_Matt._ And now----?
_Dolly._ Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note
requesting immediate payment.
_Prof._ What is the particular brain process that you wish me to
explain?
_Dolly._ How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that
I've paid it--so vivid that I cannot shake it off?
_Prof._ Well--a----
_Matt._ Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine
mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact?
_Dolly._ My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount: thirty-four,
seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and
Garnet's shop again!
* * * * *
_Enter_ CRIDDLE. [_Announces_.] Captain Wentworth!
_Enter_ CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH, _a good-looking smart young army
man about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _At_
CAPTAIN WENTWORTH'S _entrance_ RENIE _shows keen interest, throws
him a secret glance as he goes to shake hands with_ DOLLY.
_Dolly._ Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more!
_Lucas._ Same to you. [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year, everybody! Good
afternoon, Harry!
[_Nodding to_ HARRY.
_Harry._ Ditto, Lu.
_Lucas._ Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year!
[_Shaking hands._
_Matt._ Happy New Year, Lucas!
_Lucas._ Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess.
[_Shaking hands with_ RENIE.
_Renie._ Good afternoon.
_Lucas._ None the worse for your outing last night, I hope?
_Renie._ Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very
much better.
_Dolly._ May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess--my cousin Captain
Wentworth.
_Lucas._ How d'ye do?
_Prof._ How d'ye do?
_Matt._ So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear?
_Lucas._ Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up
this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him.
_Matt._ A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold
church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I
hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up!
_Lucas._ It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be.
_Matt._ Here's another score for Pilcher!
_Dolly._ Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering
at Mr. Pilcher!
_Matt._ I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful
sermon, and trace its results on all of you.
_Dolly._ Well, you can see its results. [LUCAS _has got near to_ RENIE,
_stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail
pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her
novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her._] Take only our own
family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said
Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply----
_Renie._ Yes, dear, very deeply.
_Dolly._ Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good.
_Lucas._ Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight
off, because--well--I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I
tried----
_Matt._ That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I
shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not
going to let his sermon be wasted.
_Lucas._ Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about,
and do a bit of New Year's tidying up.
[_He is standing over_ RENIE, _who has opened his letter in her
novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her,
and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory._
_Enter_ CRIDDLE.
_Criddle._ [_Announcing._] Mr. Pilcher!
_Enter the_ REVEREND JAMES PILCHER, _a big, strong, bright, genial,
manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit_ CRIDDLE.
_Dolly._ How d'ye do? [_Shaking hands._
_Pilcher._ How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr.
Barron!
_Matt._ [_Shaking hands._] A happy New Year.
_Pilcher._ How do again, Telfer?
_Harry._ How are you?
_Pilcher._ Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess.
_Renie._ Good morning.
[_At_ PILCHER'S _entrance she has hidden her French novel behind
her in the chair. In shaking hands with_ PILCHER _it drops on to
the floor and_ LUCAS'S _letter drops out._ LUCAS _goes to pick it
up,_ MR. PILCHER _is before him, picks up the novel and letter and
hands them to_ RENIE. _In taking them she shows some confusion._
_Pilcher._ [_Genially._] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough
knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see.
_Renie._ [_Confused._] No!--I had begun the book a week ago and so I
thought--a--I'd better finish it.
_Lucas._ Good morning, Mr. Pilcher.
_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands._] Good morning.
_Lucas._ Rattling good sermon you gave us last night.
_Pilcher._ I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear.
_Lucas._ Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess?
[_With a sly little look and shake of the head at_ RENIE.
_Renie._ I thoroughly enjoyed it!
_Pilcher._ [_A little surprised._] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you
all very uncomfortable!
_Dolly._ Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't
think you've met Professor Sturgess?
_Pilcher._ [_Advancing to_ PROFESSOR.] No, but I've read his book, "Man,
the Automaton."
_Prof._ [_Bowing._] Not with disapproval, I trust?
_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands very cordially._] With the most profound
disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism!
_Prof._ I'm sorry!
_Pilcher._ Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will.
_Prof._ Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free
will is a purely subjective illusion.
_Dolly._ Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do
it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair!
[_She goes and touches it._] There! [_Triumphantly._] I've done it! That
shows I've got free will. [_The_ PROFESSOR _shakes his head._] Well,
then how did I do it?
_Prof._ I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch
it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or
non-possession of a criminal impulse----
_Dolly._ I haven't any criminal impulses----
_Prof._ [_Shakes his head and goes on._] Your yielding to that criminal
impulse or your not yielding to it--all these states of consciousness
are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of
certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you
act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that
condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not
responsible for thinking or acting in this way or that, seeing that
your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses
which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by
the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter!
_Dolly._ [_Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown
bewildered as the_ PROFESSOR _goes on._] I don't care anything about my
gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!
_Pilcher._ [_Turning to_ RENIE.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the
Professor's doctrine?
_Renie._ No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines--it's horrid.
_Prof._ The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.
_Pilcher._ What do you think, Mr. Barron?
_Matt._ It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly
and Harry solve it!
_Dolly._ See us solve it! How?
_Matt._ You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last
night.
_Pilcher._ You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?
_Matt._ Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an
age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished
bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming
myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform
themselves.
_Dolly._ Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most
cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a
day.
[RENIE _strolls casually into conservatory by lower door._ LUCAS
_casually follows her._
_Matt._ And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of
free will and moral responsibility, I'll bet you, Harry, a simple
fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen
pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and
that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the
better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night.
_Harry._ A fiver! Done!
_Dolly._ I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian
hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves!
_Matt._ Done, my dear!
_Pilcher._ I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to
recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my
congregation against, last night!
_Harry._ By Jove, yes--I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you
wish us to cry off----
_Pilcher._ Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative
plan which was tried with great success in my late parish----
_Dolly._ What was that?
_Pilcher._ A very capital good fellow--an auctioneer and land surveyor,
my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling--found that in spite of
constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping
upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an
occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he
actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling----
_Dolly._ [_Looking at_ HARRY.] Oh! Ah!
_Matt._ Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order.
_Pilcher._ We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control.
_Dolly._ How?
_Pilcher._ My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to
bankruptcy. By the way, our Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I
gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to
admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into
one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my
Blanket Club----
_Harry._ Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us
from the Hospital for Incurables?
_Dolly._ In the cupboard in the next room.
_Harry._ Right-o! No time like the present! [_Exit._]
_Matt._ And how did you get out of this dilemma?
_Pilcher._ Dilemma?
_Matt._ Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have
been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue
to use bad language to his wife?
_Pilcher._ We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was
considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved
under the stress of the fines.
_Re-enter_ HARRY _with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is
printed in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."_
_Harry._ [_Placing the box on the table._] There! My name's Jobling for
the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours.
_Pilcher._ Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff----
_Harry._ Tariff?
_Pilcher._ Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove,"
was a mere sixpence.
_Harry._ Oh! [_Feels in his pocket._
_Pilcher._ Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.
_Harry._ Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [_Takes six pence out of his pocket
and puts it in his box._] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these
bad little tricks----
_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY, _pointing to the money-box._] Are you going to
contribute?
_Dolly._ [_Snappishly._] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.
_Matt._ [_To_ PILCHER.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest
tariff for ladies?
_Dolly._ Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own
contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father
escape.
_Pilcher._ I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound
note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions
into practice?
_Matt._ With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from
Harry and a new hat from Dolly.
_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can
offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your
daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an
excellent charity!
_Matt._ H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me
see!
[_Looking round, his eye falls on_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _who, at the
beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at
lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a
hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in
their conversation. The_ PROFESSOR _talking to_ HARRY _and not
noticing._
_Renie._ [_Becoming aware that_ MATT _is watching them._] Yes, that
arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener
calls a "sport"----
_Lucas._ [_Examining the flower._] Jolly good sport, too!
_Matt._ I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here----
_Renie._ [_Coming to him._] Sport? What sport? can we join?
_Matt._ That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you
here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you
are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?
_Dolly._ Yes!
_Harry._ I know I am.
_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess?
_Renie._ Yes, indeed!
_Matt._ Lucas, you?
_Lucas._ Yes, Uncle.
_Matt._ On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign
in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he
has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.
_Lucas._ I say, not all our bad habits?
_Matt._ H'm. I don't wish to be exacting--I've no doubt each of you has
his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your
honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness--and in
goes my sovereign.
_Lucas._ You don't really mean it?
_Matt._ Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and--spoil sport, eh?
_Lucas._ Oh, I don't mind coming in--just for the lark of the thing.
_Matt._ Then you all agree?
_Dolly._ Oh yes.
_Harry._ Certainly.
_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess?
_Renie._ We don't know where we may be next Christmas.
_Dolly._ You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept?
_Renie._ Yes, delighted, if my husband----
_Prof._ Very pleased.
_Matt._ Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very
handsome offer.
_Pilcher._ Very handsome. [_Taking out watch._] I hope our friends will
cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club.
_Dolly._ You'll stay for a cup of tea?
_Pilcher._ I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be
going; good afternoon, Professor!
_Prof._ Good afternoon.
_Pilcher._ Good afternoon, Telfer.
_Harry._ Good afternoon.
_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.
_Renie._ Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon.
[_Shaking hands._
_Pitcher._ Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced
such an invigorating New Year atmosphere.
[RENIE _moves her French novel._
_Matt._ And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow!
_Lucas._ Rather! I shall come again next year.
[_Shaking hands._
_Pilcher._ Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my
eloquence.
_Matt._ [_Tapping the money-box._] We shall!
_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer.
_Dolly._ Good-bye. [_Rings bell._
_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mr. Barron.
_Matt._ Good-bye.
_Pilcher._ You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the
Blanket Club?
_Matt._ I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter--I should make a
dreadful fiasco.
[CRIDDLE _appears at door._
_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands.
[_Exit_ PILCHER. CRIDDLE _closes the door after him._
_Matt._ Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you.
_Dolly._ Done! I don't mind how much I punish you.
_Prof._ [_Taking out his watch._] Half past three, my dear.
_Renie._ I don't think I'll go out this afternoon.
_Prof._ Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it
yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular
exercise.
_Renie._ Which way are you going? [_Yawning._
_Prof._ My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond.
_Renie._ Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond.
_Prof._ [_To_ MATT.] Nothing like living by rule and measure.
_Matt._ I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it.
_Prof._ I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my
unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise. [_Exit._
_Matt._ Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from?
_Lucas._ Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the
night?
_Dolly._ Delighted! You'll make up our rubber.
_Lucas._ Right!
_Matt._ Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night?
_Lucas._ Not to-night, thank you.
_Matt._ Just a shade too bracing, eh?
_Lucas._ Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is
anybody going to meet the Professor?
[_Glancing at_ RENIE.
_Matt._ I am. [_Linking his arm in_ LUCAS'S.] We'll get into an
unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along!
[_Takes_ LUCAS _off as he is exchanging a look with_ RENIE. RENIE
_makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops,
takes out_ LUCAS'S _letter from her French novel, goes to fire and
reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between_ DOLLY
_and_ HARRY.
_Harry._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills.
[_Going to her writing-desk._
_Dolly._ Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first?
_Harry._ [_Taking up bills._] Oh, I'll help you sort them out----
_Dolly._ Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [_Taking bills out of
his hands, and closing down the writing-desk._] I want to have a little
talk with Renie--you'd better join them at the fish-pond.
_Harry._ Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What
about after tea?
_Dolly._ All right. After tea.
_Harry._ After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves,
and sweep them all out of our minds.
[_With a gesture._
_Dolly._ [_Nods cheerfully._] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them
all out of our minds. [_With his gesture. Exit_ HARRY _briskly. She
repeats his gesture._] Sweep them all out of our minds. [_Opening desk
and regarding bills with dismay._] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie!
[RENIE _is busy with her letter at the fire._
_Renie._ [_Puts letter into pocket._] What is it?
_Dolly._ [_Has taken up one or two bills._] These bills! These awful
bills! These vampires!
_Renie._ Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet
to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off.
_Dolly._ Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't
show him all.
_Renie._ Well, dear, after all, it's only bills----
_Dolly._ Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this
time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to
Mr. Pilcher.
_Renie._ Why?
_Dolly._ Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go
through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I
had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the
nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this
misery just for want of a little resolution."
_Renie._ Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too.
_Dolly._ Did it?
_Renie._ I had an awful afternoon yesterday!
_Dolly._ You?! You haven't any bills?
_Renie._ No! [_Sighs._] I almost wish I had.
_Dolly._ Wish you had?!
_Renie._ I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to
confess----
_Dolly._ Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not!
_Renie._ And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in
the arms of the man you love!
_Dolly._ Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before----
[_With a little shudder._
_Renie._ After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!
_Dolly._ Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a
temper!
_Renie._ My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky!
_Dolly._ Hum!
_Renie._ Oh, Dolly---- [_Sighs and goes away._
_Dolly._ Is anything the matter?
_Renie._ No dear. Nothing, except--oh, life is so hard! so hard!
_Dolly._ Renie, if you're in trouble----
_Renie._ Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me.
_Dolly._ Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you,
only I can't.
_Renie._ It isn't money.
_Dolly._ Then what is it?
_Renie._ [_Looking at_ DOLLY _curiously._] I wonder if you would
understand.
_Dolly._ I'll do my best.
_Renie._ It's such a strange story. [_Moving away,_ DOLLY _makes a
little dubious grimace behind her back._ RENIE _suddenly comes up to_
DOLLY _very effusively._] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly
admire and honour my husband.
_Dolly._ [_A little startled._] Ye-es.
_Renie._ You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a
moment?
_Dolly._ No----
_Renie._ Nothing could be further from my thoughts.
_Dolly._ No--but is there anybody--Renie, who is it?
_Renie._ Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any
living soul?
_Dolly._ Not a word--who is it?
_Renie._ Not even to your husband?
_Dolly._ Not even to my husband.
_Renie._ Nor to him?
_Dolly._ Him? No, of course not. Who is it?
_Renie._ Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met
with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered----
_Dolly._ No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him?
_Renie._ Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me.
_Dolly._ Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen
miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him!
_Renie._ No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame.
_Dolly._ [_Contemptuously._] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have
you?
_Renie._ I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last
Thursday afternoon.
_Dolly._ It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you.
_Renie._ That would have made no difference. It had to be!
_Dolly._ What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been
meeting him alone----
_Renie._ Once or twice.
_Dolly._ You've slipped away every afternoon this week.
_Renie._ However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but
the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me----
_Dolly._ Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped.
_Renie._ Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude.
_Dolly._ You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my
own house, do you?
_Renie._ What sort of thing?
_Dolly._ Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your
boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me
to take in for you?
_Renie._ But you received Banbury cakes of your own!
_Dolly._ Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage
your outrageous flirting didn't much matter----
_Renie._ Outrageous flirting?--If I seemed to flirt----
_Dolly._ Seemed?!
_Renie._ It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could
offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be
mine.
_Dolly._ Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very
plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner.
_Renie._ There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner.
He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his
life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you
with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and
myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You
surely don't mean to break your word?
_Dolly._ I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.
_Renie._ I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to
help me!
_Dolly._ Help you! How did you expect me to help you?
_Renie._ My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of
lectures there.
_Dolly._ Well?
_Renie._ He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly
sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here.
_Dolly._ [_Makes a little movement of indignant surprise._] I see!
_Renie._ There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our
attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every
moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this.
_Dolly._ [_After a pause._] I'll think it over----
_Renie._ Thank you so much.
_Dolly._ Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of
time----
_Renie._ So it did.
_Dolly._ You don't call this the "nick of time"?!
_Renie._ Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know
what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite
clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure
unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and
aspirations!
_Dolly._ But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about----
_Renie._ Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations.
_Dolly._ Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I
suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across?
_Renie._ He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy
attachments.
_Dolly._ Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two!
_Renie._ That was before he met me.
_Dolly._ Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady.
_Renie._ [_Looks at_ DOLLY _severely._] My dear Dolly, with your light
frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and
exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [_Taking out a letter._] This will
show you his fine nature, his fine feelings--"From the first moment I
saw you----"
MATT _enters._
_Renie._ [_Putting letter in pocket._] Well, have you had a pleasant
walk?
_Matt._ Very pleasant--and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind
you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond.
_Renie._ I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I
don't. [_Going off, to_ DOLLY.] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind
invitation to stay on!
_Dolly._ Don't mention it!
_Renie._ I shall try to manage it. [_Exit._
_Dolly._ Yes, I'm sure you will.
_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on?
_Dolly._ She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it.
[_Goes to him suddenly._] Dad!
_Matt._ Well?
_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas!
_Matt._ What about him?
_Dolly._ No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess.
[_Pause._] Have you guessed?
_Matt._ [_After a pause._] Yes. Well, I--[_Begins to chuckle._] So Lucas
is up to his old games!
_Dolly._ My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him.
_Matt._ [_Chuckling._] It is! It's too bad! The rascal.
_Dolly._ Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her!
[MATT _suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar._
_Dolly._ What are you laughing at?
_Matt._ I've just left---- [_Chuckling._] I've just left the Professor
down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter,
and---- [_Roars._
_Dolly._ I don't see anything to laugh at.
_Matt._ Twelve miles in the snow----I say, Doll, we're making a
splendid start for the New Year!
[_Laughing._
_Dolly._ Dad! Will you please leave off? [_Shaking his shoulder._] Will
you be serious?
_Matt._ Yes, my dear!! [_Pulling himself together and straightening his
features._] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.
_Dolly._ It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!
_Matt._ It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious
for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career--the
young ass!
_Dolly._ Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to
work and help me?
_Matt._ How far have matters gone?
_Dolly._ Oh, there's no real harm done at present.
_Matt._ How do you know?
_Dolly._ Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about
his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her
ideals and aspirations.
_Matt._ [_Shakes his head._] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous
for her.
_Dolly._ Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's
dangerous for me!
_Matt._ How, dangerous for you?!
_Dolly._ If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me
into it! I know her so well.
_Matt._ [_Walking about, cogitating._] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas
make a mess of it.
_Dolly._ What can we do?
_Matt._ When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something
about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and
ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two!
_Dolly._ That's a good idea. But it may take some time?
_Matt._ A week or so, perhaps more.
_Dolly._ But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just
this next week when there will be all the danger.
_Matt._ That's true.
_Dolly._ They ought to be parted to-night.
_Matt._ They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of
doubt! They ought to be parted to-night!
_Dolly._ Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it.
_Matt._ Frighten her?
_Dolly._ I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand----
_Matt._ H'm! Isn't Harry the right person----?
_Dolly._ No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper
and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off.
_Matt._ Take himself off!
_Dolly._ I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with
him.
_Matt._ [_Dubious._] H'm!
_Dolly._ Take a very high tone.
_Matt._ I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line.
_Dolly._ Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this
is, don't you?
_Matt._ Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a
high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!!
Sad!!!
_Dolly._ Hush!
LUCAS _and_ HARRY _enter._ LUCAS _looks round for_ RENIE. DOLLY
_and_ MATT _talk in whispers as if settling a plan._ HARRY _goes up
to the collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off
the label._
_Dolly._ [_In a very severe tone to_ LUCAS, _who is peeping into
conservatory._] Are you looking for anything?
_Lucas._ I was wondering whether there was any tea going.
_Dolly._ [_Same severe tone._] The tea is not in the conservatory.
_Lucas._ No, but I thought it might be getting on to the time----
_Dolly._ [_Same tone._] The tea will be served in due course.
_Lucas._ [_Surprised at her tone._] Is anything the matter?
[DOLLY _looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to_ MATT. LUCAS
_looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into
conservatory for_ RENIE.
_Harry._ [_Scraping away at the collecting-box._] Don't forget,
Doll--our cosy half hour after tea----
[_Nodding at the writing-desk._
_Dolly._ I won't forget.
_Matt._ [_Has come up behind_ HARRY, _touches the arm he is scraping
with._] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present.
CURTAIN.
(_Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II._)